Struggling and not enjoying maternity leave

[Englishrose35]

Hi,
I just need to vent and also get some advice on how I am feeling.

Some background- I’m a first time mum to an 8 month old who I absolutely adore. I’m late 30s and before maternity was working in a professional job within the NHS which although stressful I really enjoy. I was really looking forward to maternity leave and took the maximum 12 months available plus annual leave. I had a difficult pregnancy with gestational diabetes on insulin and a few other health issues. Had a planned c-section which was great but then soon after I had a massive PPH of more than 4 litres and went back to theatre and needed transfusions. It was very scary. My recovery was quite slow but better now, we had a debrief which was helpful. I struggled to breastfeed and so initially exclusively pumped and now combination feeding expressed breast milk and formula alongside solids.

I am really struggling on maternity leave. I thought it would get better but there are just new challenges (teething, very active baby). I love my little boy but the days are long and I am so tired. He is a good sleeper and naps in his cot so I am very lucky. DH works long days as he does compressed hours. We do not have any practical support from family. I tried baby classes but LO hated them and screamed/ very fussy and I had to leave lots of times. I also didn’t enjoy them and found them stressful and difficult to plan around naps. We have a couple of local mum friends from NCT who we see which is nice but baby always fussy and wants to move around so it is difficult.

I don’t feel lonely as such, but I feel like I don’t have time to myself. I constantly feel “on” and cannot relax. I do not shower regularly any more (maybe once every few days), I have the time towards the end of the day but I don’t have the energy. I don’t wash my hair and it looks awful. I feel all I do is carefully watch baby and look after him, go on walks, pump milk and attempt to tidy. I find everything very stressful - getting him to sleep/ nap, watching him so he doesn’t hurt himself, weaning ..I still can never figure out why he cries - is it teething/ wind/ hunger/ boredom? I thought things would get easier but I feel they are harder and I’m just more stressed.

I wonder about work and I am going to do some KIT days, I wonder if I will be a better parent when I have more of a balance. I was so excited to be on maternity leave and I wasn’t expecting to feel this way at all. Perhaps I needed to lower my expectations a lot. I feel I can’t keep on top of things and I worry that this will be even worse when I go back to work - or maybe it will be better as I will have time to myself more and some thinking space. I am beginning to resent DH as I’m not sure he really gets it. He would love to be at home all day with baby and isn’t very happy in his job which makes it hard. He is supportive but the long hours mean he isn’t always home. My sleep is poor even though baby sleeps through…I often randomly wake up in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep which is frustrating.

Did anyone else feel like this or hate maternity leave? I worry when I go back to work I will regret saying all this as ofcourse I will hugely miss my baby. I am enjoying seeing him grow and all the milestones but sometimes I wish I hadn’t taken all of the time off as I am feeling frustrated and like I never get a break or time for myself.

DH wants another baby in the future but I’m not sure I can do all of this again. I know I don’t need to think about that just yet but will do soon because of my age.

Sorry this is such a long post but hoping for some words of support or solidarity or advice. Thanks

YANBU! The worst part of maternity leave, and many years thereafter, is the mind-numbing boredom and feeling that the entire world is passing you by. It reminds me a lot of long haul flights. You have nothing much to do but that's the precise problem. Long flights are mentally and physically exhausting because you have no autonomy and are forced to endure time ticking by slowly in a confined place.

This has nothing to do with how much you love your child, because obviously we all do. It has to do with the fact mothers get so infantilised that you are meant to enjoy spending 2hrs in a playground doing absolutely nothing. No sane person who had a busy career and life would find it entertaining to put sticks in a sandpit and talk in a baby voice all day. Maybe for 10mins but certainly not for the hours and hours that you are expected to entertain a small child and neither of you are supposed to be on screens.

I used to get "autonomy jealousy" of random people passing by, dressed up nicely, pulling suitcases and clearly walking briskly to catch a train or for a meeting. It feels like you're stuck in space and time while everyone else's lives are going on as normal. The upside is that it gets better once your kids are in school, you go back to work (even if part time) and you can start living your life by the clock again. You get to participate in society and feel accomplished at the end of the day.

I used set myself ridiculous tasks during the day just so I could feel like I accomplished something. Such as "buy washing up sponges" and I would walk to a store that was incredibly far away while pushing the stroller, buy that one item, and walk back home. If I needed more things I would deliberately postpone until the next day so I could have some sort of task to do. Nowadays I sometimes see other mums on my old stroller route with a blank look in their face and it brings back every soul-crushing moment of boredom that I had to endure during maternity leave.

OMG I used to do this to "If I needed more things I would deliberately postpone until the next day so I could have some sort of task to do."...

Haha I thought it was just me!! I was trying to explain this to DH and he thought I was crazy but I knew I had to create some sort of artificial structure to my life otherwise I would have gone insane. In video games you get side quests which don't have anything to do with the main story but are usually mundane and optional things like delivering items, helping someone with a task etc. So I decided to give myself useless side quests each day just to feel like I'm still accomplishing something. Again, I feel this is an example how infantilised mothers are during maternity leave, because you take women who were intelligent and capable humans before having a baby, and force them into living a life that is literally like lockdown and expect them to love it.

I had no physical issues and an easy baby and I hated mat leave too. I love my child, we have quality time together and I like my job. If I wanted to spend day-in day-out with children I would have become a teacher or nursery worker.

I've had quite a few very open discussions with some friends who found the first 12/18 months really quite unpleasant. I think part of it is the immediate loss of freedom. You know before you have the baby you can't do as you please anymore, but you can't actually know how that feels until you're in it. It's draining.

I was always envious of those mums who seemed to relish in the newborn/baby stage and it actually made me feel like a failure as a parent. Then I hit the toddler/pre-school years and they obviously come with their own stressors - my god a 3 year old can push you right to your limit - but I realised that was just the age I connected with the most. They can communicate, they can do things for themselves, they're funny and you can enjoy the person they are, rather than the helpless baby you can't take your eyes off.

I will admit I put my baby into nursery at 7 months old for 2, 3 hour sessions a week. My set up was similar to yours and I just felt I needed a break as it were. That certainly helped my feelings of resentment. I felt more bonded with him, because I looked forward to getting him back after having a few hours to do things without being on alert the whole time. In our case, that did wonders for him too. He's a very social, happy kid who loves adults and kids now and communicates so well. Of course it's different for everyone and might not be the solution for you, but maybe something to consider?

Edit because reading some of the other comments reminded me how utterly bloody boring I found the first year. Oh my god, sooooo repetitive and mind numbing. It's almost funny now I look back at it. I do not miss those days one bit. The snuggly baby cuddles a little bit, but not the day to day mundane parenting. I love my unhinged toddler a little bit more now.

Look at shared parental leave - then DH could be off for a while with baby.

Change priorities. Your baby sleeps well and naps in the cot. Your DH works compressed hours so should be home more days. Why are you only showering every few days and not washing your hair? I'm going to guess you have yourself at the bottom of the list and that needs to stop because you hold everything together so you need to look after yourself.

New list - baby is asleep. Have you done everything you need to do for yourself today yet? Have you showered? Eaten? If not they get done first. If thats all done set a timer. 30 minutes. You do as much as you can in 30 mins. Wash on, washing up, quick tidy. After the 30 mins you get to sit down and relax.

When DH is home he should be doing 50/50 with you. If you are on baby duty he needs to be doing the other stuff for house. He should be caring for baby while you shower etc.

Also there's different types of groups. There are the mum and baby play type ones but there are also for example walking ones where mums put babies in carriers or in prams and go for a walk and chat. Doesn't matter if baby is napping. Its for mums!

Oh you poor thing. Maternity leave can be really hard, it’s not just you. And even harder if hubs isn’t home properly to support.
A couple of thoughts - feel free to disregard if not helpful

• can he take a week or two of parental leave to help you out so you get a break?
• -can he temporarily decompress his hours s he’s home earlier?
• -can you get up and shower each morning before hubs leaves for work? I vividly remember not having time to shower, and you really do feel so much better when you do.Or as soon as baby goes down for first nap you go in shower.
• -(controversial this) can you dial back your active parenting to keep your own sanity? So just put baby down and leave him to cry and learn to self soothe at nap and bed time. This was what generations of mothers did and babies such as myself and my own children are absolutely fine. It’s only recently that this idea of staying in the room till baby is asleep and always holding them has taken hold and it makes life loads harder. Of course you need to ensure not hungry, not soiled, burped etc but then they can settle themselves down.
• -can your mum (if you have one) come and stay for a few days to help?
• -can you go back to work a bit earlier? Or start an early ease into childcare eg 1 day a week to get you a break?

It will change and you’ll be fine. Don’t worry about having another baby yet, that’s for the future.

Big hugs, it will be fine I promise.

On my husband's first day back in the office after his paternity leave (we were lucky and he had 8 weeks off when our daughter was born) I was googling how many days until my planned return to work day by 9am! Personally I found the drudgery of maternity leave and baby care really difficult - the feeds, the pumping, the sterilising, the desperate attempts to get baby to nap, the attempting to find 15 minutes for a shower or to have something to eat where it felt okay to put her down and look after myself for a bit. And I was fortunate that I didn't have a super-fussy baby, but it was still bloody hard work.

I went back to work when she was 9 months old and she started full-time in nursery a couple of weeks after that - I think we have both thrived on that. I have more time for myself, she loves nursery and gets far more out of that than I think she could have got from spending all day every day with me - so maybe think about whether you definitely want to take the full 12 months off? A whole year out of work doesn't work for everyone.

It's okay to feel the way that you do. This thread tells you that more people struggle on mat leave than you probably ever suspected - it's not a holiday, you're doing a really tough job and there's nobody to train you up or take over if you're having a bad day. It's really hard.

I'd also really encourage you to persevere with the baby groups/activities - even if little one is being fussy or wriggly, they are used to that so don't feel bad or like you have to leave. I liked having a few things as anchor points in the week - it guaranteed that I would get out of the house and do something even if the rest of the week was a write-off.