Table manners at 5

[2BarbieOrNot2Barbie]

Following a discussion with other parents recently, I would be interested to get other opinions on what the table manners expectations should be of a 5 year old at the family table (rather than at a restaurant for example).

I’d rather keep my thoughts to myself for now so as to not influence the debate but would be very interested in what people thought the expectations should be and whether school had an effect at all.

My 5 year old will seat and eat for a bit at the table but will then get up and play and come back for a bit more later at home. (He is ok at restaurants and we don’t use a screen to entertain at the table).

Mine were expected to stay until the whole family had finished but we generally have one course and eat quickly. If they were fidgety we'd distract with conversation, if they wanted to go back to something we'd restate expectations. They all could use cutlery but if they sometimes didn't it wasn't an issue (8 year old still picks apart fishfinger which typing this makes me think I might clamp down on because it's disgusting). At that age they didn't fetch their own water but did have to take their plate to yhe dishwasher. We all chatted during meal times but that was desired rather than expectations. We are always round the table , never any screens out, all together except breakfast or if the evening arrangements are complicated.

My five year old is expected to sit nicely at the table for the duration of the meal and use his cutlery (this is always a battle as he’s potentially dyspraxic so struggles :(). He is only allowed to get up when everyone is finished (unless he needs the toilet then he’ll ask nicely to be excused which his childminder taught him). When he’s finished he puts his cutlery in the proper place on the plate (always needs reminding on this one) and at the end of the meal takes his plate to the kitchen. He also sets the table with cutlery that I lay out for him in the kitchen.

Maybe it sounds strict but we think good table manners are important plus he likes routine. He’s under investigation for ADHD/ASD so responds well to structure and established rules and will misbehave during something like a picnic where the eating rules aren’t clear.

Sorry, didn't add the school bit. I think preschool was helpful and positive as it reinforced the manners needed and their behaviour at meal times was reported back on. No idea about school. I thinks its too big for them to do any family type dining. No serving themselves or teacher eating alongside etc.

I think it’s very dependent on the child. My 5yo is often tired and emotional by then, so often when we say it’s dinner time he bursts into tears, declares he doesn’t want dinner and it smells disgusting…So when he does come to the table and starts eating it, I try to pick my battles.

He uses a fork or spoon (not knife and fork together). He does pick up some food with his fingers.

He’s often restless and stands up next to his chair and is asked to sit down on his chair with his legs under the table.

We do not allow playing with food/ talking with a mouth full of food)

I let him get up when he’s finished. Often he doesn’t start until everyone else is finished anyway.

Sit with us through dinner, no talking with their mouth full or chewing with mouth open, use cutlery.

Thats it I think, beyond obviously general manners that would apply anywhere (general politeness etc).

My 3 yr old manages it, with some reminders on talking with mouth full.

Sitting up eating a child’s portion of food. Using knife and fork. No technology and knowing basic manners about cutlery and where to place drinks etc. Talking about our days etc. 10 years later and she’s still having dinner at the table, no technology and a good conversation

We more or less aimed to do at home as we would eating out. Otherwise how do they learn for eating out?
Stay at table, try to use cutlery, chat.

Sir through dinner until we're all done. Use knife and fork, sometimes need help cutting. Join in conversation. Get down when they ask.

At five my children and grandchildren were expected to sit at the table, use cutlery, and not get down from the table mid meal

Obviously they didn't have to sit there for ages making polite conversation just behave and not talk with their mouth full - it's not too much to expect!

I don't think school had any bearing

They sit, eat, use cutlery, join in conversation and stay sat until everyone has finished unless it’s an extended family thing where people are lingering and then they would ask to get down. There isn’t any real difference between the behaviour of my 5YO and 8YO except that the youngest may need help with chopping.

Use cutlery where they can or at least try.

Sit at the table until everyone has finished (unless someone is taking an absolute age)

No screens, just chatting or games/colouring if we’re out and are waiting for food.

No spitting out, opening mouth to show people food, no silly eating, dangling food around etc etc

If you can chew with your mouth closed that’s a bonus

if you get down and leave it to do something else you’re finished, unless you need the toilet (which we do before we sit down so it’s not a game getting up and down at the table)

positive food experience, no forcing, no encouraging, we eat what we like and can try new foods if we want to, when you’re full you’re full and that’s fine

With my 4 year old they are expected to sit nicely for the duration of the meal, not to play with food, not to talk when eating (have to be reminded on that one), not to chew with their mouth open. They are expected to use their cutlery but help with cutting and can still use a spoon for beans or peas.

If it’s multiple courses or we have gone into the dining room a little bit before the meal is served they are allowed a toy or a colouring but that is put down before they eat and is left alone whilst they eat. If they had brought a teddy or figure in, we might use that to encourage more eating by pretending the toy is going to eat their food.

They are expected to try everything on their plate but if they don’t like it, they can ask for a no thank you plate and we will move it from their plate to the no thank you plate. They are also expected to say thank you to whoever has cooked and ask before they get down.

Very much not enforcing the ‘sit at table until everyone is done’.

We also have a 2 year old who is in the depths of the terrible 2s and feeding her is a task in itself. So dinner isn’t calm regardless of what ‘manners’ my 5 year old has.

4yo (adopted so socially a little behind his peers) sits at the table and uses cutlery but has help with cutting. Uses a spoon for some things if he wants to and sometimes resorts to fingers.
Stays sitting for majority of a meal but gets bored - by 5 we’re hoping to have fixed this but I still won’t necessarily be expecting him to
sit until everyone’s finished by then. As long as we’re at home/at grandparents etc I don’t mind if he gets down and goes to do something while adults are still eating.

We expect a good effort to be made to eat the dinner and we’re expanding what he’ll eat by sharing what we have (prev issues around food means if we put it on his plate he won’t eat). May steal the no thank you plate idea though as think that will work well here.

We don’t use screens at all. Will take reading book/colouring/game if we’re going out but it’s put away while eating.

We haven’t really tackled chewing with mouth open yet. We’re picking battles and using praise more than anything and he’s made so much progress that I think that’s an argument for further down the line.

i had exactly the same expectations from my daughter from about the same age. She was also expected to join in with conversation and not to leave the table until everyone had finished eating. she was definitely not allowed toys at the table and would not have been allowed to have a phone if they had been commonplace in those days. I expected her to at least try the food she was given and to eat her food quietly.

At home: sit with us to eat, chat, use knife and fork, eat your veg, ask politely for more, for help with cutting or a drink etc. When he’s finished, go play and leave us in peace to chat.

I’ve never understood the rule of staying at the table until everyone’s finished. My husband and I like to linger and chat without a 5 year old talking absolute nonsense.

My 5 year old can sit at the table and eat fairly neatly. Uses a for but has help cutting meat. Needs to be reminded to use a fork for things like chips. We discuss our days and he can have a back and forth chat and ask questions about our day. He takes forever to eat so usually ends up finishing alone.
His brother is 10 and has asd/ADHD. He cannot sit still, constantly needs reminders to use a fork, struggles to have a conversation.

When DS was that age he was expected to sit at the table whilst everyone ate. He could use cutlery properly - but then he ate using a spoon from an early age as 'baby led weaning' wasn't a thing in his baby years so using utensils was the norm. At school all children were required to collect their own dinners, take it to the table and eat with others, using cutlery. This was difficult for DS as he was suspected as having ASD (later diagnosed) so the whole crowd/noise thing wasn't the best. But he managed it. He was also able to sit at tables in restaurants/pubs for meals - although we would allow him a book once he'd ordered his food from the waiter/ess. Yes he could do that politely at 5 too - fluent reader and appropriate manners.

My 5 year DD will sit and eat her food at the table with my DS (4) but, and I'll probably get roasted for this, they do have their ipads on whilst eating. They don't have them when we eat out or at other peoples houses but it is the norm at home. They eat together at the table.

i think it is quite pressured to sit and have a conversation and eat at five, and while it’s great if your child can manage that a lot would struggle.

Thank you for your perspectives. Broadly there seems to be a bit more of a consensus than I expected. Here my DD is expected to sit until she is finished (but can get down if the grown ups are still talking). She uses cutlery(I would say 95% of the time) but will from time to time use her fingers to pick up a piece of food that won’t get on her fork or to push something into her fork instead of using her knife. We do regularly remind her not to use her fingers but it’s a bit of a battle. Talking with other parents some had the expectation that no food would ever be picked up, including things like chips (which frankly we are a bit more relaxed about). DD also has a spoon which she often uses for things like couscous or peas or whatever, we just put it on the table like her her knife and fork and again some parents think that’s not acceptable. But it globally sounds that DD is not a million miles away. School actually did a really great job of teaching her to eat with her mouth closed but we also got some silly behaviour imported back from her peers or playing with her food which she never did before school.

She sounds absolutely fine OP! Chips with a knife and fork? Who are these people?!

Eating chips with a knife and fork is crazy behaviour.

We’ve always been quite laid back. They are asked to not get up and down from table unless they are getting a drink or something, they are asked to use cutlery but if something is really tricky or it’s a food that is made to be eaten with your hands that’s fine. They’re fine to leave when finished, DD2 is a slow eater so she’s usually last one standing anyway.

They’ve always been brilliant in restaurants but we’ve taken them both frequently since babies, so I think it’s more to do with that than their home habits!

I know! To be honest we don’t always eat chips with cutlery so it felt crazy to ask her too but then other parents made us feel like we were too lax.