Do things really change when the other parent has another child with someone else

[NeedingASafeSpace]

My ex is having a child and I am worried how it may affect my DC. I don’t want my son to feel left out or left aside.

No this is an approach that we would see as progress and are hopefully is the suggestion she will take on board when DH speaks to her.

It’s really hard being a parent. Some people don’t agree with others and being overwhelmed is something else. I have had a child with someone else but Dc2 dad isn’t in the picture due to domestic abuse so I have DC2 full time. I tried to make sure my DC was not feeling left out when he came along I’m sure they did feel that, though and that utterly breaks my heart. Even now I may say to DC1 stop being so rough with DC2 and they don’t like it. But it is that or have my DC2 with bruises. I explain why it’s wrong and always say how brilliant they are at being an elder sibling, how helpful they are and how loved they are by both me and DC2. It’s SO hard to find balance with two when you’re a single parent. I long for them when they’re at their father’s house. I tell them I miss them hugely but to have a fantastic time because that time is special. I always tell them that their dad is amazing because they love him so much.
I try to find time alone with DC2 where I can.
Like in the school holidays I took time off to spend with them. No matter what I do there are two DC and it will never be the same as it was when I only had my DC1. I would never ever regret DC2 and never have but it does break my heart how it may have made my DC1 feel pushed out. I try my best with my two DC but this post I was more getting at, I hope DC1 dad doesn’t stop putting as much effort into DC1 just because he has another child full time. I hope my child’s bedroom isn’t tuned into soly a babies room, I hope they are not pushed out because I feel somewhat they may have felt that way when I had DC2 and it breaks my heart. It’s his GF first baby and that changes you. I am hoping it isn’t turned into all about their baby together and because my DC1 is only there EOW I hope she isn’t considered a guest. I am overthinking extremely early but this is where my mind goes.

nope that’s entirely different.

There’s a vast difference between being a natural family and a broken/blended family with multiple step/half family members in the mix.

It’s time we stopped saying that moving on and having multiple children with multiple partners is ok. It isn’t and shouldn’t be.

Let’s be honest here. The only winners when a family. Separates is the adults. And I say that as someone who is divorced. Where there’s abuse it’s of course understandable, but we’ve got to a stage in society where family is considered to be disposable.

And the reality is once a family moves on and starts pro creating the original children get lost.

Many men move on and have future families.

Most women don’t want to be step parents, and as soon as they have other children they see it as an excuse to push out the former children, and MN’ers are generally on board with this attitude.

And most mothers don’t believe that the children should be spending equal time with their former partner. And when they do it’s the former partner or the step parents who put a spanner in the works.

Either way most children from first families are the ones who suffer for blending families.

You sound like a great mum who truly only wants the best for her children and your children will completely pick up on that sentiment as they grow to adulthood. All you can do is your best, support them to grow and develop as their own people and it sounds like that’s what you are doing.

Sadly you can’t control the other household, only your own, and you can’t control the other adults within it. The best thing you can do is accept that all you can do is mitigate things as much as you can whilst they are in your care, which you are. Ultimately, in time, your children will grow up and draw their own conclusions and if you continue with your current approach, they will know their mum was always there for them.

I am one of three whose parents stayed together throughout their lives and I can promise you we still used to fight (even though overall we were super close) and feel that things were unfair and that one another were sometimes favoured, so don’t feel that your situation is why that occurs, I think that’s quite normal in any family setup.

I think a lot depends on the new partner . Some resent first families and want all the attention on them and theirs, as if the first doesn’t exist. Father caves to new gf because, well, she is there and it is the line of least resistance.
But if the new partner isn’t jealous but accepts that there’s a child already and is welcoming to that child, things won’t get as traumatic,

Theres not much you can do except wait and see, unless you already know how she is so far. Talk to the father as well and find out , though he won’t really know till the baby arrives and is likely to deny any changes in advance.

^^ "It’s time we stopped saying that moving on and having multiple children with multiple partners is ok. It isn’t and shouldn’t be."

This. In spades.

And you sound an amazing mum.

If he is a decent dad he will not push your son out, I have half siblings from my Dad and SM and never felt that way - Dad, stepmum and stepmums family have always made a huge effort with me and now my children, I am close with my siblings and we have always had the same opportunities and treatment by dad and SM.

Even if you’re married your relationship with your first child would change if you had a second. It would have to. The first no longer gets your full, dedicated attention (and budget).
Most parents manage this change well by preparing the first child for the arrival of the second and making time for the first after the second is born.
My own DD went back into nappies for a while after DC2 was born because she started wetting herself, mostly when I was feeding the baby. They are v close in age and it didn’t last long, but it’s an example of how family dynamics charm even in “model” families as new babies come along.

That’s amazing. Can I ask you a question please? You say you’re quite close to your SM… while I’m super pleased my DC dad’s GF treat my DC well, it’s in the back of my mind feeling I’d get replaced (I don’t let on about this but it’s an insecurity of mine). Did you ever feel your SM was on par/a replacement at times of your mother? It’s my first time dealing with this my feelings are silly and immature and I know that. That is why I’d never voice this but I do worry.

Strangely, I've never met a mum who couldn't have there kids more due to work, but have seen many dad's in that situation. Coincidently I've also known many mums change their hours, jobs or career choices to fit round being a patent, but very few dads willing to do the same.

I wonder if the two could be correlated?

You can choose to expect it to be difficult and approach it combatatively or you can choose to expect it to be the lovely growth of your DC's family that you can be part of helping him to adjust to. Obviously a lot of that depends on what his dad and SM are like but if you go in expecting it to be a war, it will be won't it.

Worrying about something that you cannot change, control and hasn't even happened yet is fairly pointless. If his Dad takes less interest....or has less time, if your son feels sad and rejected then yes, this will be hard for you to see but all you can do is create a stable loving home for him to come back to and that will be the thing he needs and will keep him stable.

My SM met my dad when I was very young so for me I cannot remember life before her, we are very close and I do go to her for advice, if I’m upset etc, however my mum is my mum and there’s no one like her for me. When I had my children, when I have had bereavements I’ve always wanted my mum. I’m just lucky enough to have 2 women who love me very much.

It’s the same with my SD and love him to absolute bits but he isn’t the same as my Dad.

My SM has always respected my mum and they get on really well, although I do think it was rocky the first few years (but mainly between my mum and dad). My mum has expressed how grateful she is that my SM has always treated me so well and they have a nice relationship now, often think my mum prefers SM to my dad 😂

Thank you for that. I am really pleased this has worked out so well for you and your family. I feel like I have very low self esteem and it I spilling into parenthood for me.
it’s reassuring to hear from you as a first hand experience. Thanks again.

No problem, I do think it’s natural for you to feel that way, and I’m sure my mum probably had the same feelings!

You sound like a great mum! Unfortunately you can’t control your ex and his new partner you just have to see how it goes over the years x

You can't understand what it's like being a child in a split home and feeling like a guest who could easily be kicked out by your own parent. It's nothing like arguing with your siblings in a home with your parents.

Men seem to prioritise the children of the woman they're currently sleeping with. It's very sad.

Children with the same mother but different fathers don't seem to have the same issue. Stepdads might try push them out but women are more likely to love their children the same regardless (most all the time unfortunately).

If a man ever tries to push my children out then thats him packing his bags. He’s gone

Sounds fine to me.

I was responding to the OP about her concern over how she parents both children when they are together in their primary home with her. Not when one of them visits their dad for the short periods he has him.

OK sorry

How is she a princess?

Absolutely, it blows mind the number of women who don’t see this. ‘He’d have liked more but it didn’t fit in with work’ is not something that the child’s mum would have had the option to say!
The dad’s career carries on as usual while he leaves the mum with all the grunt work and she has to find a job to fit in around it.
And women like this see him as ‘a good dad’ 🤦🏽‍♀️