Do things really change when the other parent has another child with someone else

[NeedingASafeSpace]

My ex is having a child and I am worried how it may affect my DC. I don’t want my son to feel left out or left aside.

Which could be due to what the mum wanted etc. don’t go straight to dads a twat.
you know nothing about the situation. Bloody stupif comment.

My cousin who was a doting dad hasn’t spoken to his first son for years. Instead he’s raising his wife’s son as his own and his two new babies. (Same age, different mums, what a catch.)

So awfully sad :(

This…. Although my DH now does get all the football training and matches and we’ve worked to get more holiday time over the years, so sees a lot more of him at last since she left her DH for her new boyfriend.

We’ve not had children, preferring to concentrate on the time we did have SS and giving him the best we can, but I have seen how difficult it can be for his friends and their blended families knowing that another child is with their dad full time and they are not, only the other weekend at football I told my husband that I am glad we didn’t have a child based on some of these feelings we see the kids experience. I am sorry OP, it’s unavoidable in these circumstances and all you can do is support him and work with your ex to support your child as much as possible together.

@NeedingASafeSpaceit was awful at my aunts funeral. His mum brought his son a long way and he completely blanked them. Most of my family don’t like him, they are completely justified.

I have two DSS and two DC with my DH. It's worked really well for us. DSS are really secure in their relationship with their Dad, they love their half siblings and are brilliant with them. There have been no signs of deteriorating behaviour/reluctance to spend time here/insecurity.

It's complicated and has taken sacrifice and wisdom. I came home after my first baby (after a traumatic birth) to a house full of DSS, in laws etc. and had no time with just DH and the baby for weeks. Much of the time, particularly at weekends, we split parenting down the middle so DSS are with dad, DC are with me. This isn't ideal as I get little help with two under two and my DC get less time with their Dad, but it's good for DSS. I do bed time with DC when DSS are around so that DH can play boardgames/FIFA etc. It depends how hard your ex DH and his partner are prepared to work and the sacrifices they are willing to make.

Changed a few times for my kids. Changed when new baby came along. The new GF got pregnant very quickly so it all happened faster than I would have liked. They moved into a new bigger place but baby got own room and my 2 had to share. My 2 felt like guests in their new home even though arrangements were around 60/40 at the time. But that relationship didn’t last and GF left him high and dry one weekend. Bedrooms got changed around a lot. His work meant he stopped seeing kids as often and I assumed that mean all of them but we found out that newer child had been sleeping over weekly like clockwork without mine even getting a look in for a while. Now they do see him one day a week for tea but half sibling sleeps over each week. If half sibling can’t see dad then my two get cancelled but if my two can’t make it the half sibling still goes. There is a big age gap. My youngest who is now his middle child often feels sidelined. Family outings for them are planned around the younger sibling but the age gap between the 3 means the older one is bored. There was a noticeable difference in Christmas this year with gifts. Possibly because older kids presents cost more they basically got 2 things each and the younger got a large pile - probably same value but I would have tried to pad things out more so they looked more even. Made worse by him asking what the they wanted and he bought something different as he couldn’t get hold of the wanted item but could have got something from the same range which would have gone down well but got something more random that she didn’t actually want and had no interest in. He would know if he spent more time with them.

Obviously This won’t happen for everyone so just our experience. Many second relationships with new kids last and siblings and half siblings get on fine. Actually my kids get on well with their half sibling.

Blended families are incredibly complicated. Your son’s step mum will obviously want to prioritise her own child, just as you want your son to be prioritised and that usually does involve some changes for step children. Maybe not having own room if previously, babies are exhausting etc. Men tend to focus on their ‘new’ family, they spend more time with them etc. Not always. But he will always have some feelings about dad’s new family, he will be jealous his younger sibling(s) get more time with dad, both parents there if they stay together. That’s normal and can’t be avoided. Just embrace all families are different.

BUT a new sibling is a change for all children, it’s just more complicated in a blended family. It won’t necessarily be disastrous - so much is up to his dad and to an extend his partner. How much work they want to put in. Just try to encourage a relationship with his dad and happy attitude about his new baby brother or sister.

I’ve also seen posts on here about dads giving their first kids preferential treatment over the ones they have together out of guilt. Could end up anywhere really. Try not to get an ideas about how it’ll pan out and just support your son along the ride, accepting sometimes it might be hard because it will be for everyone involved.

My son was adored by his (half) siblings as a baby/child and they are extremely close now as adults. FWIW, my step kids lived with us 50:50 and my husband was as a p/t earner cum SAH dad in both our relationship and his previous marriage. It can work but you have to have a man who takes fathering seriously. You probably already know the answer.

Of course it will change as the gf will prioritise her own DC, OP you will need to compensate, does your exh have your DC regularly or not ?

EOW and once per week?

My ex had a child with his new partner and it has been absolutely wonderful for my daughter. She adores her little sister. I spend a bit of time with her too, and she’s a dear little girl. And that’s in the context of my relationship with my ex being pretty unpleasant. This new child can be a blessing for yours.

Would have liked more but it wasn't possible? So couldn't he go part time, reduce his hours etc like women have to? Or maybe organise suitable childcare for his working hours, rather than assume that's his ex's responsibility?
So the mum had to cover that because she's the mum, a woman? And what about her life and her career in this scenario, it's just not as important as his?
As the child of a dad who 'wanted to see me more' , and was 'working' a lot, it's very clear as an adult that he obviously didn't try very hard.
This isn't aimed at you but I get so wound up when hear men spout shit like this.

My uncle split with his wife and for the first few months saw their DD all the time. As soon as he remarried and had two more children it all changed. Would take his new children on holidays every where and his eldest DD nowhere. When his DD stayed with him she had to sleep on the landing as the other too needed their own room. Was heartbreaking to see. In the end my aunt was literally begging him to see her DD.

I understand what you’ve been through and why you would feel that way, but the person you’ve replied to situation resonates with ours. It was wonderful you wanted to see your dad, but I suspect @Allaroundthehouses situation, from the description, is similar to ours, in that the child’s mother tries to tie her child to her.

Sadly my SS Mother was bought up tied to her Mother to the point her life is very narrow, doesn’t go far, doesn’t have many friends and her world revolves around her Mother (they even work together). She split with her DH for a new boyfriend two years ago, her exDH had the same story as my DH, that her Mother was the main reason for the relationship breakdown as she is the puppet master, the new boyfriend is also finding that out now as two years in there is no progression and she still lives with her Mother…. I don’t think she’s has meant to do the same to my SS, but it’s that thing where because you grew up that way it’s difficult to break a pattern.

My DH was frozen out as much as possible during SS formative years and his stepdad (despite assurances otherwise) was called ‘Daddy and his name’, as SS has grown we’ve been able to increase time, but it’s been a never ending battle. Even now she can be very manipulative, I don’t think she’s means to, I think it’s just what’s done to her and she is repeating her own mother’s parenting pattern. We’ve just had him 4 days over the holidays and he had a message saying how much she missed him, another asking when he was coming home and another saying his little sister (with her exDH) was asking when he would be coming home as she’s desperate to see him. It makes him feel bad and you can see it puts him on edge! My DH is going to speak to her about this soon in the hopes of making her realise before our summer holiday! Let’s hope she takes it on board. But we’ve been trying to take him abroad for years and at 14 he melts down each time we try and says ‘I’m so worried about missing my Mum’. It’s just so sad.

We used to have two nights over weekends (Friday and Saturday), but she got him to tell his dad he didn’t want to do the additional night now he sees him for football on a Tuesday night and every Saturday morning for matches and he got really upset by it all, bless him.

So whilst you wanted more time, sometimes Fathers do to, but circumstances are more difficult and, of course, we try and put SS first and not cause him too much stress and distress.

Those texts are emotional abuse. The effects are showing in the boy clearly.

Is there any kind of court ordered 50/50 you can go for? Has your DH been to court to get more time? Has the emotional abuse been documented and raised to be dealt with properly?

My ex remarried and had another family and became a better father to my children than he was before . I presume it’s the new wife’s influence but the cause doesn’t matter. My kids love their half siblings and they are a positive thing in their lives.

you will have to see how it’s pans out op. But your DC have you and at the end of the day as long as there is one invested parent they will thrive .

I question my own comments to my DC. I always say “I missed you loads when you was gone” so they know they are missed but quickly follow up by “but I know you had loads of fun with dad so that makes me happy!”

surely saying I miss them isn’t some form of emotional abuse?

SS is 14, after years of all of this coercion and the ties he has to his mum I am very afraid that if DH sought to take it legal again he would eventually lose all contact, especially as she now lives with her mother who did this to her originally which is why she sees it as normal, we fully suspect they would get him to say he never wants to come here again and a legal process at 14 is very stressful for him and, due to this, his development of his independence is quite delayed compared with his peers.

We live in hope that as he gets older and matures more he will see things for what they are given the comparisons he can draw across each household and make his own choices if we remain consistent and supportive of him, we are beginning to see signs of him questioning things.

DH is in touch with him daily too to ensure they have as strong of a bond as possible despite all this.

DH is also going to speak to her before the next holiday time we have. As I said before I am not sure whether she doesn’t realise because her mother has always done this to her, so she’s just repeating it believing it to be ‘normal’.

SS has been through a lot in his life due to all of this and we really do try and minimise the stress on him as much as is physically possible.

Parents who go on to create second families are demonstrating to their existing children that they weren't good enough. It's a shitty thing to do.

I think it’s inevitable sadly. Just look at the threads going on at the moment. Priority is always given to the second family, no thought to the first, and sons seem to be treated with particular disdain. I dont understand this sense of entitlement around having children, people thinking they should collect children in relationships like they’re medals.

What a ridiculous sweeping comment, children’s lives change when they have a sibling what ever the family set up.

I think just as many stepmothers feel the original kids are favoured as mothers who feel that the new kids are favoured.

I think sometimes the dad is swaying one way or the other and sometimes the women involved are imagining something that isnt true or they have unreasonable expectations themselves

No, this is different to what the poster I was replying to describes. Sounds balanced.

That is absolutely not true at all.