To feel let down by my own mum since having my children

[goldensun96]

Hello all.

I had my first boy 5 years ago. When he was born, my mum was so quick to come round and see him. But when I was struggling she would always say it was me who was being too tense, anxious etc. Which I knew it wasn't me, since having my second child I knew my first had a few issues during birth and after.

Anyway fast forward a year or so, she would never ever offer to help. Not once has she said 'would you like me to take him off you so you can do something for yourself' I always have to ask, and when I ask I feel like it's an inconvenience.

Since having my second I feel like it's been worse, It could go two weeks without hearing from her and I'd have to text to say hello.

I see all these grandmas that dote on their grandkids, to be fair my MiL helps a lot.

I know some people say it will be because I am not asking for help, but I have done in the past and it's always been a huff and a puff.

Also, I was really poorly with a stomach bug at the weekend, I told my dad about it but never got a text from my mum to ask how I was etc.

Am I being silly? or would you feel the same?

Apologies, I didn't realise this thread wasn't in AIBU

Anxiety disorder can be quite severe and can come in waves I've had months where I can't even leave the house and am having regular panic attacks I certainly wouldn't of been in a position to safely look after someone else's children.

I’m very confused as to why you are angry with your mum and not your dad, seems equally uninvolved.

I think continually being disappointed is on you though - it’s been 5 years of this and you keep expecting different. If you reframe it and leave the expectations aside it might be easier for everyone. She might be very aware that she’s disappointing you and feeling terribly guilty.

Why do you expect your Mum to help & not your Dad?

I only had help when mine were babies so I could go to work. I didn’t get offers so I could have a break. DH was around for that. It sounds like your parents might have struggled hence you being sent to grand parents & it’s common on here for people to expect that help to be given bearing in mind the grand parents had help themselves. Yet often that isn’t the case.

Do you work? How much help do you get from MIL?

I had a similar disappointment with my mother. She was all talk about grandchildren and quite insistent on me taking them to visit - we live in different country so it was a huge effort.
But she was then so unhelpful when we got there!

It changed how I saw her.

My dad was helpful though.

You cannot expect from your mother and absolve your father of the same thing, they're both your parents.

There seems to be current attitude in society that “I’ve done my bit”. The previous generation of grandparents were quite heavily involved in our upbringings (not all, but a lot were) and now those parents who offloaded their children to their parents are very much hands-off grandparents. I think there’s been this expectation that it would be paid forward or that our parents would be as involved. Yes, some very much are, of course, but there’s just as many who aren’t.

It’s not about an expectation of free childcare or expecting grandparents to give up their retirement to help out their adult children with regular childcare for their children. It’s the disinterest. It’s the complete lack of empathy in wanting to help support their struggling adult children in some cases.

I get from your post you’re not expecting your mum to be a free childminder, you just want her to want to help you, to make sure you’re ok when you’re having a rough time. You want her to want to spend time with her grandchildren and show an interest in them.

None of my children’s grandparents want to help. My mum is the only one who has an actual interest in them, but doesn’t want to do any childcare - as in for emergencies or appointments. Like her parents and in-laws did for her and my Dad and so much more! My MIL will have my kids as her social media profile pics and share pics I’ve taken, but won’t make any effort to see them. FIL is in cognitive and physical decline so I don’t have expectations of him. My Dad is low contact after remarrying when I was in my 20’s and has F all interest in me or my children. DH lived at his grandparents during school holidays and weekends before he was shipped off to boarding school. His mum won’t even watch the kids for 5mins whilst I use the loo on the rare occasion she visits.

As much as you’d love for your parents to have a relationship with them or support you, it’s not going to happen and they’re not going to change.

To add, a lot of our mums generation were the first generation of women who often had to go out to work full time as well as raise children. These women were stretched to their absolute limits. They should absolutely have their retirement to have their freedom and peace. Yes it’s shit that unlike a lot of these did, we still have to do the same without grandparent help, but a lot of their mothers hadn’t had to work full-time. They had retired earlier if they did or were able to be part-time. Their mothers had more time and flexibility. Often were younger when their children had children.

My mum never had a maternal bone in her body , nor do I , but then I never had kids

Some women dont

I never think of going to see the grandkids ( step parent ) ad hoc. If Im asked, Im straight there and we have them for holidays, see them on birthdays and Christmas Even when they are here DH does most of the child entertaining , it just doesnt come natural to me .

When my big sister had her children, I would go and clean her flat, do the washing , ironing etc but wouldn't think of taking the baby

At least you get a lot of help from your MIL. That counts for a lot.

I'm guessing they find it much harder than expected or struggle with your DC in some way.

I would say invite them to your home for lunch and a cuppa. Invite yourselves to theirs, don't stay too long though (2 hours max). Keep working on it.

Past posters have a point about it being not just on your mum to help, but I can understand why you feel hurt if you previously had a close relationship with mum and now she's more distant. I'm surprised she didn't get in touch when you were ill; my mum wasn't able to provide childcare, but she would always have been available for 'moral support' and showed she cared in other ways. I'm not sure what to suggest, but I expect you need to have a chat. Perhaps she thought she was getting it wrong with your first child and decided to back off a bit.

You're not being silly at all, not even slightly.
I think what hurts most about this kind of thing is that it's not one big falling out you can point to - it's just a thousand small moments where she didn't show up, and that's somehow harder to process isn't it.
The stomach bug thing would have stung me too. Your dad knew, she knew, and she couldn't send one text. That's not forgetfulness, that's just not prioritising you.
And the asking vs offering thing is so real. There's a world of difference between someone saying "let me take the kids Saturday so you can rest" and someone who grudgingly agrees when you finally work up the nerve to ask. One fills your cup and one just makes you feel like a burden.
It sounds like your MiL is giving you a glimpse of what it could look like, which is lovely but also probably makes the contrast with your own mum sharper.
I don't think you need to do anything dramatic with this - just maybe quietly stop expecting her to be something she isn't, which is easier said than done when it's your mum. Grieve it a bit, lean into the relationships that do fill you up (your MiL sounds like a good one), and be kind to yourself about it.
You're not asking for too much. You're just asking the wrong person.

I’ll never understand why people go for a second child when they feel overwhelmed by the first one.

Do you offer to help them?

Honestly I had to check whether we were in AIBU, they responses on here are really judgemental.
OP has been asked why she had more children and why she's sexist!
When in fact, to me she's got two young children and was looking for a bond with a person who knows EXACTLY what she's going through and arguably should be the closest person to her. Not to do with childcare, but support.
It hurtful when your mum doesn't text to ask if your OK, becoming a grandparent doesn't stop you from being a mum.

Agreed @Aworldofmyown ! Most of the responses are very cold so far.
OP, I would be hurt too. I’m glad you have your MIL for support.

this ... then we found out my mum is Neurodiverse. So it will never change.

Expectation leads to resentment @goldensun96 you need to step back and stop expecting. Leave her call you etc etc

Honestly like you I spent so much time at my grandmothers as a child, she spent all of her spare time outside of work devoted to helping my mum with me and my sister. She never remarried because of it and she even changed her work schedule to work around my mum and contributed massively financially for our clothes, taking us on holidays and anything she could. She wasn’t asked to do this, she simply wanted to as her parents died when her children were quite young so she knew exactly what it was like to not have help.

I always thought my mum would be exactly the same as her, my parents separated around 8 years before I had my son and my mum began living her life for herself (as she deserved too) but because of that, she is not the doting grandmother I imagined. Thankfully we live abroad so it doesn’t make a huge difference, but since I’m not home very often I expect her to be delighted and excited to do everything for her grandchildren when we do come to visit. Unfortunately, she always says everything she wants to do with them and never actually does it. It’s upsetting but I’ve learned to live with it, my son is nearly 3 now and I just hope she sees how much she’s missing of him before he grows up since you have to build the relationship from young in my opinion.

she is constantly talking about how obsessed she is with her grandkids and she will happily buy them gifts but my son has everything he needs thank god, we don’t need gifts, just your time, I don’t even want a baby sitter honestly, I will take him out with her, I just want her to dedicate some time to really getting to know mine and my sisters babies.

Yanbu

Seems to be par the course for grandparents nowadays

Maybe your mum has her own life now and is anxious around small children or finds them tiring. I'm in my early 60s and work full time but would struggle with one small child, never mind two so I don't blame her. She has done her child rearing and should not have to help. Disappointing for you perhaps, but it is her life not yours.

Why did you have a 2nd child if you were already struggling with one? It makes no sense.

My mum is that way. We have chatted it out as I needed to get it off my chest but how stay the best thing to do is lower your expectations. She won’t change.

Does it not go against your maternal instincts to stand by and watch your child struggle? Adult or not. I can’t imagine sitting on the sidelines with an “I’ve done by bit” as my children are in desperate need of some support. Sometimes even just visiting and being another set of eyes is enough! Bit of company and adult conversation from one of the people who know you best.

My motherhood doesn’t end when my children reach adulthood. I’ll always be their mother.

Just seems really cold to me.

My mum is the same. She was a good mother to me growing up and even as an adult used to be very involved in my life, sometimes more than I would have liked. I (maybe wrongly) just assumed she would want to be an involved grandparent as well. I knew that I couldn’t expect regular childcare as she still works, but I thought she might offer to take the baby for an hour or so to give me a break, or maybe even take him out for the day very occasionally when he was a bit older. She has never offered just to give me a break even once. He’s nearly 3 now and the only time she has ever looked after him was for one night when I was in hospital having my daughter, which I am grateful for, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t expected her to have more involvement than that in 3 years. You’ll be torn to shreds by some people on here for expecting anything at all from grandparents, but I do understand that it’s hurtful when you think you have a supportive parent and then suddenly they just don’t seem to care anymore when you have children.