Anxiety about hosting my seven-year-old son's playdates at home

[TheBrightBear]

I have 2 girls and a boy. My son is 7. I have massive anxiety around having boys over for playdates. I'm afraid of them hurting themselves, rough play, I don't like all the noise, toilet/bum talk, wrestling, how they talk about not liking girls etc. I don't like how my son changes his behaviour when other boys are here. He has been asked to a lot of playdates at this stage and so I owe a lot of mums but I keep procrastinating. A boy did twist his ankle at our house once but it's not the only source of my anxiety. I also put off having playdates for my girls especially if the friends are only children or don't have brothers because I am afraid of how they will react to my son. I know it's a bit of a psychological issue that I have but I don't know how to overcome it.

I don’t think any parent enjoys play dates. They’re for the kids and we suck it up
occasionally so they can have fun…as we do in many other ways. I don’t particularly like parenting other people’s children but I do it for my kids and because they enjoy it. If certain children are particularly rude, I don’t invite them again but I don’t fail to pull a child up if they’re misbehaving and let them know that I’ll be calling their parent to collect them early if they’re don’t behave.

I’ve had some kids come that would play with all my 3 but others who haven’t wanted to. I’ve tended to arrange something for my other kids to do together which doesn’t rely on them being a third/fourth wheel. If one child has a play date, the other two have each other to play with. Do you have a partner who can take your other children out on those occasions or family they can go to for a few hours?

I didn’t particularly enjoy chasing my kids round a stuffy, germ-ridden indoor play but I did it for them. Same with awkward parents evenings and many other things. It’s just stuff we suck up for them.

Just have one kid over. Start with the calmer boys first. Plan some activities for them. Be VERY clear with your own son about your rules so he manages his own behaviour. Most of the time that will temper down the other child as well. Keep it short to begin with, one hour or two after school, maybe with dinner thrown in so they’re sat for a while. The more you do it the more familiar it will be and your confidence will grow.

Do you suffer with anxiety in other areas too?

My 7 year old son has other boys to play over at ours regularly, has done since they started school. Often just 1, but sometimes I collect 3 of his friends with my 4 year old daughter too.

Things that work well:

• Stopping off at the park to climb there/play football on our walk back after school.
• Lego/cars/Hotwheels.
• Food altogether. I thoroughly enjoy talking to them about their day over snack/dinner.
• Bit of gaming (PS4/Switch).
• They love playing with walkie talkies with one upstairs, one downstairs…keeps them amused for ages!
• They love to play a card or board game, I’ve taught them all to play loads.
• Garden- archery set is popular!
• TV handy for whilst I am cooking dinner/calmer time nearer the end of the play date.

My son’s friends are great, I’ve enjoyed getting to know them and talking to them at our home.

I would say go for it! Good luck 😊

I think you need to get your priorities straight if you think that rough play enjoyed by the participants is worse than the girls who were very unkind to your son in his own home.

You don’t want to let your son have friends round because of potential minor bad behaviour (mutual rough play and maybe an accident). But you do allow his sisters friends around when there has been actual bad behaviour in the past (deliberately unkind and rude behaviour towards him). How do you think that feels for him?

This is great advice. I also have a 7 year old boy, I've also found make your own pizzas a great activity even if you don't make the dough they like rolling it and topping it they choose what toppings they have so they'll eat it and it keeps them busy. As for the toilet talk I just say we don't use language like that here. I've also heard DS say oh no don't say that my mum hates it when I talk about bums 😂. I also don't mind an after school playdate pick them up at 3:15 walk home (3:40), sometimes via the park (4:30 home), if the weather is decent they can play in the garden, pizza making at 4:45 pizza cooked and eaten by 5:30 half an hour to play and take them home at 6

This also sounds fantastic- I love your pizza making together for dinner, sounds so fun for them! I will try that next time 😊🍕

Thanks - yes I get it about having to do things we don't like for their sake. I can manage that if it's just awkward/boring etc. but I find it so anxiety provoking and stressful. And honestly to be contacting another parent about their child and asking them to collect early....I see many people on this thread saying this but I've never heard of it happening to anyone I know and I think for me anyway it would create bad feeling and upset and would not be worth it if the number of years that I will be standing at the school gate with those other parents.

Suits me! Happy to never have a playdate again! Lol!! I haven't had one in my house anyway for several months and it wasn't because of anyone's behaviour, I have just been procrastinating due to anxiety hence me starting the thread.

A bit anxious but not to the point of stopping me doing things. I hate that I'm owing everyone because they have been kind to have my son over - but I am really overwhelmed by this. Adding in the organisational load of planning pickups from other playdates or hosting them for my other kids at the same time with no help (no extended family nearby to help out). We moved house and the old school wasn't like this as most kids were in after schools so playdates were far less frequent

Thanks for all the tips!

Doesn't look like they enjoy it - at group meetups in the park/parties someone always ends crying due to being kicked or hit. And I had to pull one of them off my son recently as he had him pinned to the ground with his arm around my son's neck. I didn't have either of those girls back again. I'm sure he feels injustice but life's not fair is it. It was bad luck for him to have to move house and school from a quiet gentle class to a boy heavy boisterous one. Can't turn back time. Guess he's pretty unlucky too to have me as a mother

Don’t worry too much about paying it back, especially if some of those kids are also the more difficult kids. They chose to invite you. I’ve had plenty of kids at my house that DD never went to theirs. I still invited them back, as long as they were nice kids.

Start small, until you find your feet and become more confident.The more you do it, the easier it will get. At the moment it’s become this huge, stressful, scary thing that you haven’t done in months.Then you can expand and start paying it back if you still feel you should.

Or start with them so you can tick them off the list, and literally do “can jimmy come over for tea after school? Is pick up at 5 ok?”. That’s only an hour and a half really. Then you pick both boys up, stop by the local park if there is one, or have them out for a kick about in the garden , then in to make the tea (pizzas for example) , feed them , you could have some telly on for that and done.

You are being utterly bizarre, though. Grow up, deal with whatever your ‘psychological issue’ is, and just have your children’s friends over to play from time to time, like a normal parent.

1 2 1 playdates are a completely different dynamic to a park meet up. You need to forget about ALL the bad things that happened then as it won’t be the same dynamic or set up, or the kid that gets set of by the others and so on.

Is there a chance you are just over play dates entirely? If you have three dcs and your ds is your youngest, maybe you are just play dated out! That's fine too. I try to do as few play dates as humanly possible, and I only invite children who my kids can play with nicely. If they start acting like horrors, I don't invite them back

Honestly yes usually the girls and their mums blame the boys! Have you never heard a group of girl mums talking?!! I mean literally ever been in a playground with a group of judgy girl mums watching the boys being boisterous?! Ah yes of course sitting in a therapists office having a chat and lining their pockets is going to solve everything no thanks

I banned playdates for my son during the winter months - I hated the noise and mess! I don't have any of your issues around anxiety and being unable to set and enforce rules and boundaries, I just don't like mess and loudness.

I made up for it when the weather was good and I could take a bunch of them out for 3 hours. In many respects it's a lot easier than with girls: a couple of balls, endless drinks and snacks, letting the climb trees and poke about with sticks, keeping an eye out for outrageous rudeness and rough play (I allow some, but leapt up when it got dangerous or a child got angry or it looked like tears were imminent).

Maybe try this?

I have 2 boys and a girl and have had various situations over the years
I’d learnt by the 3rd we do more meet ups at places softplay/park and less at home so if there’s an issue their parents sort it out, I had all sorts of drama when my eldest boy was younger I don’t out myself thru it either.
my daughter and her friends - no issues whatsoever
I keep play dates at my house to an absolute minimum tho -
in work and they have clubs/
childminders in the week and weekends
i try to organise meeting friends out not to my house! We don’t have a huge house either and so it soon can feel overwhelming.

Yes this is me! I don't even see the point of them....playgroup playdates....then on to Montessori and you don't see the playgroup kids any more...start primary school and they don't even play with those Montessori kids anymore....now we've moved and are starting over...this primary school doesn't feel to a specific secondary so they'll all disperse to different schools anyway ...and friendships change around all the time too...it does feel a bit like what is the point when we probably won't even see these people in 5 years time and my kids are happy playing with each other

Thanks yes you sound like me! I find it much better when the other parents are there to deal with their own kid and I hate owing people...then there have been situations where someone always wants you to be in playdate debt to them so they can ring you at the last minute to mind their child which has happened to me too

Thanks yes....also a general fear of disasters in public places ....but maybe this is the solution

I could also maybe save money and use other parents to Help me out sometimes but I am the same - I don’t like to owe anyone anything in terms of favours!

Is this how you talk to people in person? Is it effective? Oh right I'll just grow up then