Anxiety about hosting my seven-year-old son's playdates at home

[TheBrightBear]

I have 2 girls and a boy. My son is 7. I have massive anxiety around having boys over for playdates. I'm afraid of them hurting themselves, rough play, I don't like all the noise, toilet/bum talk, wrestling, how they talk about not liking girls etc. I don't like how my son changes his behaviour when other boys are here. He has been asked to a lot of playdates at this stage and so I owe a lot of mums but I keep procrastinating. A boy did twist his ankle at our house once but it's not the only source of my anxiety. I also put off having playdates for my girls especially if the friends are only children or don't have brothers because I am afraid of how they will react to my son. I know it's a bit of a psychological issue that I have but I don't know how to overcome it.

I haven't really been given any advice? Like how to stop hitting/rough play/ talking rudely to my daughters about being girls etc? Especially when they are cheeky back to me? My son doesn't behave like this when he's at home with his sisters and he's one of the quieter ones in the class but he is picking up some of the behaviours when he's with the other. I've seen some of the mums in the class shouting at their boys to stop when we've been at playgrounds/parties and to be honest I don't want to do that to other people's children. It's just stressful We moved house and the old class was better behaved but there's not a lot I can do about a class dynamic. I am very anxious about injuries too having had one at my house.

I have 2 boys and had many play dates over the years. I'm fairly easy going but I have two rules: no rudeness and no hurting/violence.

Be very welcoming but clear that those are the rules in your house, if the visitors don't stick to them you'll call their parents. IME even rowdy boys back down if they think you're serious.

Yes I am. I am having the feeling that this is a particularly rough class of boys from the surprised answers I'm getting here.

At parties and playground meetups that I've been to the rudeness and kicking/hitting seems frequent.

Thanks. Yes I can see how that's the only way. I just hate having to police it in this way. It really stresses me out and is not enjoyable and it stops me wanting to have the kids over if I have to regularly threaten consequences.

But OP, you are forcing your ds to suppress his natural energy. That's not fair or normal. He clearly wants to demonstrate more energy, and he wants to join in with other boys, hence his different behaviour when he has the chance.

Why would you want to limit and restrict your poor son unnecessarily? That's mean, verging on cruel. He isn't a girl, no matter how much you want him to be.

Do you have a partner? Can he take your son and some of his male friends out for football or den building or whatever at the weekend?

Can you have just one child on the play date? Might be easier for you to keep an eye on, and less chance of them egging each other on?

Any rudeness/ hitting etc, you tell them firmly that you don't behave like that in this house, if you do that again I'm going to call your mum/ dad, then distract them with an activity.

He goes to loads of sports activities and plays outside all the time with his sisters and kicks a ball on the green. I don't think I'm being cruel and suppressing his natural energy.

I agree it's a bit of a nuisance having to supervise closely, maybe relax a bit with the screens, let them watch something with some popcorn and that should keep them quiet.

Also, they are still pretty young, it's just a stage, they will calm down in a year or two.

Yes. But I do hate having to discipline other people's children. It's just stressful and I don't like it.

Yes I guess. I hope they do calm down in the end. Thanks so much for the advice

I’m sure no one likes disciplining other peoples kids (or their own) but you either;

1. Don’t invite people round (seems mean tbh)
2. Police their behaviour / set boundaries / follow through on consequences
3. Leave them to it and hope for the best.

i have a 5yo boy who is part of the very ‘boisterous’ group of boys in his class but it’s a bit different because parents stay for play dates and the parents of the worst offenders are very watchful.

Are there any parents you get on well with who will stay and supervise their kid for the first visit?

I'm not doing it to be mean. I find it really stressful and it takes so much out of me, also I have a toddler and am trying to watch her too.

Unfortunately this group has gone beyond mums staying. We moved last year and they have been kind and had my son over to be welcoming hence the amount of playdates I owe but it's very much a quick turnaround on the doorstep for pickup situation. I've found the couple of park group meetups and parties I've stayed at have been fairly wild with a lot of kicking and hitting.

I appreciate you’re not trying to be mean but the outcome for your child is not great because he can’t have his mates round.

There really isn’t a solution here - if you want him to have his friends round then you just need to deal with it. If you can’t stand to do that then he can’t have friends round.

Yes you're right it's true

Some children are high energy, some children encourage the rest of the group to be high energy, and some unpleasant behaviours are indeed contagious. But that means good behaviour is too and you can encourage it.

My children are expected to leave each other alone on play dates. They have their own rooms to hang out, and they can do whatever when they have friends round - but the other one needs to leave them alone. Can you just keep your daughters away from him and his friends? My kids definitely wind each other up around each others friends.

My son is 9 and has friends round loads. We have a switch so they are allowed some time on it, but only after they do something else - either outside if the weather is appropriate, or Lego etc if not. So play dates are usually an hour - roughly an hour outside, a snack or ice lolly or whatever and then some switch or tv time. His friends all know this now! I think he has a lot more screen time at others’ houses but that’s not my problem.

I love having an open house - can be stressful of course if multiple kids or both my kids have people round, but as they get older it’s lovely that their friends feel comfortable here. I hope that continues into their teen years.

I do sympathise OP. My 9 year old is in a boy heavy, wild class. I do have playdates and have actually found the boys are better if mum and dad aren't there! I find an activity to start with helps: put lego out or even cake/biscuit decorating. 2 hours max with dinner. I do allow screens though. Firm boundaries and if they got to the point where there were dangerously boisterous or rude I would be calling their parents.

I have boys (grown up now) and had a lot of boys playing here, having sleepovers etc. None of them were ever rude to me, they would have been pulled up on it immediately if they tried it. You need to set boundaries and stick to them.
Now I have grandsons, who can be very boisterous. If it starts to get out of hand I stop it immediately and re-direct them to a quieter game.
I was a playworker before I retired, and actually found the boys easier than the girls.

Both of these girls were being rude and whiny. The second one was being really unkind. You say you never have issues when girls come over, but here is an example of girls causing issues that you’re ignoring.

Maybe you struggle more to handle the type of misbehaviour more common in boys. But you’re really looking at this in a blinkered way, if you’re claiming that play dates are only a behaviour issue for boys.

If you don’t want to behaviour manage other people’s children, don’t. But it’s nothing to do with boys vs girls.

Thanks. The class is boy heavy and one boy has a diagnosis and is regularly physically and verbally aggressive. He is quite big and strong already. Some of the other boys seem to enjoy goading him to set him off, and having seen these episodes a few times in group settings they then all tend to start pushing and shoving, shouting etc. I am very sorry for his parents and the other parents are all supportive but the last time they all got set off like this another boy (not the neurodiverse boy) had my son on the ground with his arm around his neck - probably wasn't aware of the danger and obviously I stopped it. I find it overwhelming and I am very anxious about accidents and rough play even if it is just one on one. I am constantly on high alert and am exhausted and stressed afterwards even if nothing goes wrong. A Friday afternoon with my own three kids in the house is peaceful and they tend to play happily together....but after playdates with kids from this class I am stressed out and exhausted even if nothing has gone wrong. We had one accident and I've also seen how rough they can be at these group situations and how quickly it gets out of hand and I am just on high alert all the time. I don't find it enjoyable at all.

Yes I struggle with the rough play and my fear of accidents or them not stopping when I ask them. I haven't experienced rough play much among girls but maybe that's just luck.

Thanks! Yes I guess I really just don't want to be in a situation of having to ring anyone's parents or something happening before I can stop it....I feel I always have to be hyper vigilant and it is stressful and exhausting and the last thing I want to do on a Friday after a busy week

Yes it's also very boy heavy

I really hope this is a piss take.

Boys don’t need to be violent just because they’re boys.

OP have you tried explaining to him that you are worried about having his friends over because they have behaved badly together? At 7 he is old enough to understand consequences.

You could offer him a trial run. He can have a friend over, but they need to behave nicely and stop any rough play as soon as asked. If they do behave badly together, then no more playdates.

At the start of the playdate you explain to both boys that rough play is not allowed in your house (before it happens).

If bad behaviour happens then no more playdates for several months.