I resent my baby so much

[willgetflamedforthis]

My ds is 5months and is miserable and demanding. He won't sit anywhere for more than 5 minutes and crying qucikly escalates into full blown screaming - he was difficult as a tiny baby but instead of getting better he is getting worse. I have to carry him around the house and can't get anythign done, the house is a mess. I dread days and am only getting through them for the sake of bedtime. I am foul to my dd who is 3.5, yesterday I did what I thought I never would and smacked her when she was having a tantrum. she is only having tantrums because I am being horrible to her and don't have time/energy to play with her. Sometimes int he morning when ds wakes up smiling at me I can't even look at him and pass him to dh. He is bf and doesn't feed well, hardly feeding in the day. I know all the stuff about not weaning early and how it's bad for their guts etc but I am seriously considering doing it in case it helps to settle him even a little bit. Sometimes I am a bit rough with him, picking him up or putting him down roughly. I leave him screaming longer than I should. I am doing everything wrong. Just feels like everything is falling to bits in our family since he arrived. i wish I just had dd.

It sounds as if you might have PND. Have you spoken to your doctor or health visitor?

(((((hugs)))))

you need to see your GP sweetie, it is super hard getting back into the swings of caring for a new baby. especially as they are so demanding. have you spoken to a HV about this or anyone else????
The situation will not get any better if you dont address it

so sorry t's hard for you.

could you look to get some help so that you have some time with dd?

please don't beat yourself up about early weaning.... my DS is mixed fed on the advice of his paed and my two DSDs were never breast fed. It'll be ok esp. if it helps you address your other issues.

hugs. ycbs x

oh dear, how horrible for you all.

You are certainly not alone in this. It is so, so hard. The memories are fading now, but I remember how the year after DS arrived everything seemed to go wrong, I shouted at DD, lost my temper all the time, fell apart generally. But things did get back on track, and it did get easier.

First off, please ask your HV for some help.

You say the house is a mess, don't have energy to play with DD, act roughly with DS. The last of these really has to stop, doesn't it. You can't be rough with a baby.

Do you have a sling, or even a back carrier? It might made DS feel better and leaves your hands free.

Does DD go to nursery? she should get funded sessions, and it will take some pressure off you.

About the house - in what way does it upset you that it is a mess? Is it because you are houseproud normally, or because you think it ought to look tidy and is a sign of failure? Either way, this is not normal times. This is a difficult period when your efforts need to go into looking after you, DS and DD.

How much does your DH help? Does he know how you feel? If you can, please confide in him - you need support and help from all sides, not the extra effort of concealing how you feel.

I agree you mneed to get someone to take DS away for a while so you can spend some time with DD. Do you have family nearby or a friend who could have him for a couple of hours?

no one will flame you for your honesty wgfft.
You do sound like you might have post natal depression. Do you have a nice health visiotr? Please talk to her, or your GP if you prefer. Print out this OP if you think you might not be able to say it out loud.
They will not think badly of you, or think you are being a bad mum.
Things will not always be like this and you will not always feel like this.

I went through a period like this after DS2 was born and he was an easy baby.
It's really not unusual to feel the way you do and the GP/HV will not think you're a bad mother for admitting you need some help.

I can relate totally and well done for being so honest, it is the best thing and quite brave.

I feel really sorry that you are going through this. I think having had friends who have felt this way, things do change when the baby gets a bit older. In the mean time, you need to find a way to connect better with him and/or yourself.

You also need more sleep.

Does your DH know how you are feeling?

Btw the being rough bit, I did put my first down roughly once, I was so sick of him, and it didn't make me feel better so I never did it again...it wasn't even very rough. Just not 'careful' iyswim. I am sure that is all you mean as well. Very easy to slip into that if you've just had enough, babies who cry a lot try the most patient of mothers so don't beat yourself up.
But yes it is not something you should do again.

I had PND, but it did pass. Can DH do more of the care of your son, while you spend time with DD?

How awful for you. MY ds was a nightmare at first, but I don't have anymore dc to worry about.
Can you think of any reason why he might be so distraught? Is he getting enough food? Id dd particularly(sp?) louda nd frightening him? Have you taken him to doctor for a check up?

Agree that you should get a sling and then your hands are fre and you can still do bits and pieces, although is he very heavy?
My ds likes to look at the trees, so maybe put him in pushchair in the garden for a bit.

What I used to do when it all got a bit much, was strap him into his chair, turn the hoover on, shut the door and spend 5 mins at bottom of garden so you can't hear him, then go back a bit refreshed.

Not necessarily pnd, just stressed out with a new baby and a toddler which can be so demanding. It is normal to feel this way.
Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting any help? Is your toddler going to nursery? Are you able to get out and about?
How is your baby when out in the pushchair? Park? It may be a lot easier outside, your toddler gets to play, and the baby will have a lot to look at. Are you going to any baby or toddler groups?

Try weaning. To hell with guidelines on this one. Just give it a go for a few days with something very simple. If it doesn't help - least you can cross it off your list of things that might be up.

Some babies just are like yours. If you are not getting breaks - you really have to find a way of getting them. A sympathetic friend maybe? Just an hour away can turn a whole day around.

Going from one to two is the biggest leap of all, I reckon. I remember it well but it does pan out eventually.

Agree with Doodle.
I weaned both my babies at 4 monhts, those were the guidelines then. I remember going to my gp with a screaming baby who just wouldnt stop, and you know what my gp said?
"Go get the baby rice, this baby needs FOOD"
So he advised, give a milk feed, give some baby rice, and some more milk. But I am sure you have more updated information available.

Thank for the replies. I don't think it's pnd, I think I am just really struggling to cope with ds's personality and demands. I have no family nearby, although have some very good friends who I see a lot of. I get out every day and yes, he is always much worse when we are in the house. I am not houseproud, far from it, but the house being a mess is just one more thing I am 'out of control of' iykwim. I feel terrible at being rough with ds and smacking my dd and will try to never do either again.

Part of the problem is he is a velcro baby, and I never seem to physically get away from him, let alone mentally get away from him. He needs fed to sleep at night and for all naps - his naps are short and at night he has been waking more recently. If I give him some solids, maybe he will go longer between feeds and than I can contemplate getting out with just dd. I don't expect him to suddenly start sleeping through on solids, I know that doesn't happen, but maybe it will just help me catch my breath with him, and leave him with dh sometimes.
I do have sling, but he still weighs a ton in it and, quite honestly, I don't want to have to carry him around all the time, although irealise that I just have to because he's not going to let me put him down. I feel disproportiately guilty at contemplating solids, I don;t know why because my dd was weaned at 4months - it's just something else to beat myself up about - i'm a bit of a martyr! This week has been the worse one yet and that's saying something. Thanks again fro the support

god my typing is appalling

Don't beat yourself up over weaning. I weaned early coz I honestly believed it was what my son needed/wanted and I won't hate myself for trying to make him happy. Just see what happens. Babyrice is disgusting so maybe mash a rusk up in his milk, if he doesn't eat it, he doesn't eat it, no big deal.
They do say miserable babies make good toddlers.

swing helped me with a similar stage

Agree with everything thats been said.

Do anything you can to make life easier.

I would see if dp could take a week off work so you can have some help and give you a rest to recharge your batteries, everything is so much worse when your tired.

My dd is a PITA as well for wanting to be carried everywhere, if my next one is the same I will definatly be buying a sling.

When she really won't be put down and I've had enough I put her in the buggy, grab the dog and walk..anywhere! I find that can my little bit of peace.

Can you get any help about the feeding issues? I would be tempted to mix feed to help with settling before I gave solids, but I appreciate that you may not want to use ff, I guess it depends on what option you prefer, bf and maybe solids, mix feeding first as a trial, or seeing if there is more help around with the bfeeding?

Is he teething? My ds2 is 5mths and recently went through a scream the place down, I couldn't figure out why and it used to frustrate me until dh reminded me about teething, sure enough his gums were causing havoc!

As for dd, others have mentioned some good ideas, forget the house cleaning, even I feel bad and my ds1 is at school, so have the time to clean/tidy, but it doesn't happen as much as I'd like to!

Sounds like you need some time for you too

OK first things first. Get a hugabub, pop him in there nice and tight and you can get on with life as normal.

Second make sure YOU get enough rest (I can't tell from your post whether you have a partner or not) but if you do when he gets home of an evening hand baby over and bunk off for 20 mins - yes this will make you unpopular for a bit but rested and unpopular is better than worn out!

Wean if you need to! I am bit on breastfeeding really I am, but I got to the stage when DS was about 6 months where I just wanted him to LEAVE. ME. ALONE. He could totally tell how I was feeling and we were both miserable. So a bit of baby rice mixed with breastmilk was fab for us.

Bugger the house! If you can bear it then just let it go and do the absolute minimum to live there. Sunshine will help a bit too, it helps to set their clocks.

Look after yourself - mum's spend so much time worrying about everyone else that they forget to look after themselves, which ironically ends up with everyone suffering!

Big hug!

Hi, all of this sounds very familiar to me. I have felt the same as you in the past. You sound exceptionally stressed and tired out, and you need a break! Are you bf throughout the night? I know when I was still night feeding ds and we weren't getting any sleep I felt extremely angry towards him at times; It's human instinct to feel almost agressive when your physical and emotional space is being invaded morning, noon and night.

Just wanted you to know you are normal for feeling this way and things can and will get better. As for weaning - if things are so tough somethings got to give; your dcs will benifit a lot from having you back to your usual fantastic self.

Oh I recognise a few bits here. Especially gettign stressed by the house being a mess - such a small thing really but it was always the final straw that I couldn't even get that bit done when it was something so easy. I used to dread coming home to a messy house and would somtimes just sit in the garden, not wanting ot go indoors because I would just want to cry. Nuts? No, just mild PND. Or exhaustion. Whatever you want to call it.

It WILL get better, but you will have times when it might get worse. Especially with teething on it's way

Think about the following:-

1. Weaning
2. Adding a bottle of formula at night to at least get a run on a decent bit of sleep
3. Take him to a children's osteo to see if he can relax him. Might not work. Might help, especially if he has undiagnosed reflux issues or something
4. Any chance of getting a couple of hours to yourself each week? Just go to a cafe by yourself for a coffee, or get a massage once a week. It will make a huge difference.

I also had a period when I thought I really had made a mistake in having number 2, especially as no 1 had become so interactive and delightful. And my DS resented his sister arrivign too. But the exhaustion/mild nutness/PND or whatever you want to call it did lift (I can remember it actually happening one day) and never came back. It will for you too.

[hugs]

I still have huge biceps, 6 years after ds stopped being a velcro baby . He constantly had food on his hair as i couldn't even put him down while I ate...

Some great advice here

I think you need to add planned quality time with you DS too to that list

Its seems to me you see him as work rather than a beautiful little person you've created. Entirely understandable but you need to start building a loving bond with him as mum and son rather than carer and baby. As other posters have said this is creating a vicious cycle of insecurity, increaasing demand and anxiety and resentment in both of you.

The fact that you've posted, are aware of things not being right and wanting to make them better makes you a great mum. You're doing one of the toughest jobs in the world, be kind to yourself

Also perhpas consider seeing your GP ro chatting to your HV about the possibility of pnd