DD visceral fat

[TheQuaintLemonDuck]

DD is 17, about 5’2, and has quite clearly put on a fair bit of weight over the last year, mostly around her middle. We really noticed it the other day when she was wearing a crop top - it’s quite prominent now and not just a slight change you could ignore.
Her dad brought it up afterwards and basically said “are we going to say something or just pretend we haven’t noticed?” which is exactly where I’m stuck. It does look like the kind of weight gain that isn’t just a growth phase and probably isn’t especially healthy.
Before anyone jumps on me, I’m not expecting her to look like a model, and I’m very aware she’s 17 and this is a sensitive age. But equally, she snacks a lot, isn’t very active, and it feels a bit like we’d be burying our heads in the sand if we said nothing at all.

I can already hear the “she’s 17, MYOB” replies, but we are still her parents and it feels odd to ignore something that’s quite obvious.
Genuinely interested in what others would do, not looking for a pile-on.

She's definitely not pregnant...?

You could say something, but what could you say that would actually be helpful, kind and be heard in a way that wouldn't upset and cause longer term damage? Do you think she is totally unaware that she has put weight on, and that telling her would be the first time she was aware of it?

No, she’s definitely not pregnant.
And yes, I do take your point - I’m not naïve enough to think she hasn’t noticed. Of course she has. That’s partly why I’m hesitating, because I don’t want to say something that just makes her feel worse about herself.
At the same time, I don’t think “say nothing ever” is necessarily the right answer either. She’s still living at home, we buy the food (apart from her incessant kebabs), set the tone etc, so it does feel like we have some responsibility rather than just hoping she sorts it out on her own.
I suppose what I’m struggling with is whether there is a way to approach it that’s actually constructive (health, habits, lifestyle) rather than making it about her body, or whether anything said directly is likely to land badly regardless.
That’s why I asked really - I can see both sides.

I have just seen your riding stables thread, so presumably there might be a conversation you could have when either she is weighed there or she refuses to be weighed, and either way may be told she cannot ride specific horses or at all.

Don’t comment on her body or weight.
Do comment on obviously unhealthy food choices in a way the encourages moderation. The kebabs is a good example. I’d be like hm you want to limit kebabs to once a month because it’s ultra processed.

Mother of a 17 yo with ED, don’t approach it like that. If you want to talk about food, talk about balance and ensuring she nourishes her body. That some foods are of less nutritional value and we need to be ensuring we eat plenty of the good stuff. As in rainbow of vegetables, protein, complex carbohydrates and good quality fats and oils.

Could you approach it as a conversation about you changing the shopping? If you say something along the lines of I want to really eat healthier this summer and am going to cut down on the snacks we are buying. What neals would you enjoy? Let's look at these recipes together.

I have weight issues and being told I am over weight makes it worse. Having practical support to manage healthier eating is much more constructive.

Don't comment on her body, ever. There's no way it will end well.

IF she comes to you, tackle it as a problem you can solve together, but do not bring this to her it's not your place.

I don't what the correct answer is but i do know I've read at least as many threads from people hurt that their parents let them eat themselves into obesity as teens without ever saying or offering any advice as I have from people hurt because parents spoke to them about their weight as a teen ..

There is definitely no single 'right' approach.

The word healthier can lead to issues such as orthorexia. My wording above is correct. We are using a mental health nurse turned ED coach privately.

Your wording may be correct for you but i'm not sure it makes you an expert on everyday single food situation ever.

Um I don’t think I said it did, did I? It’s very easy to make these things worse with sensitive teens. And unfortunately there are a whole bunch of trigger words that do that. I have learned you have to be amazingly bland to tackle the situation without increasing anxiety.

If she still lives at home and you buy the food
could you say you’ve decided to eat healthier and buy healthy foods/snacks and get rid of all the processed stuff. My daughter’s a lot younger than yours but I noticed a few months ago she was constantly snacking on crisps and chocolate. I stopped buying it and filled the fridge and cupboards with healthier options and she started eating much better without even realising or missing the old snacks but I imagine it probably wouldn’t be as easy as that with a teenager.

I'd frame it as you are interested in being more active and would she and the rest of the family join in then you can all be more active together. Make it fun and ask them what sports/ activities they would like to try and see what you can make work from that. Maybe invest in a family gym pass so she can use it when she wants to? Then I think it's just ensuring that the food you're preparing is healthy and I'd probably do things like make fruit salad or similar and have that on offer in the fridge for people to dip into and cut back on the amount of junk you buy. I wouldn't comment on her body, there's really no need to if you're promoting balance and exercise.

She’s 17, not 5. She knows she’s gained weight. You pointing it out to her isn’t going to achieve anything. She obviously still has the confidence to dress how she likes.

You can’t control her diet at 17 and you can’t force her to exercise so what do think nagging her is going to do beyond making her feel shit?

There really isn’t a kind way to tell a 17-year-old that you’ve noticed she looks fat.

Are there other health areas that are diet related that you could discuss but aren't weight? Skin/acne for instance? I understand your concern that avoiding talking about it fails to give her the guidance she needs, but as far as I have read, weight focused conversations with teens are more likely to do harm than good. If you can start a conversation about healthy eating that is focused on some other target, you might be able to provide her with a bit of a push about her food choices mattering without it being about her weight?

Visceral fat is a very odd turn of phrase here.
Do you just mean that she has put on weight around her tummy? Sounds like you are disgusted by her talking in this way.

I would caution against dad saying anything, at least initially.

Maybe you can drop some health goals you want to achieve as a family and lead by example. Try to get her engaged in more walking, throwing out ultra processed foods and processed foods. Spend time cooking quality meals together and realigning taste buds so they don't enjoy the snacks she's currently having (these often have addictive properties, by design) and just make the whole thing about a family revamp for health reasons.

You could schedule nature walks on the weekends or do something active as a family. If you're not currently active, she may be replicating that and not realising the impact of eating too much for that level of activity.

My DD went through a similar weight gain phase around that age so we did the above and it worked. She's rebounded some years later but it happens to us all, I believe! However, we laid a good foundation so she can work on things now without focussing solely on weight which will reduce as a by-product of healthy living.

DO NOT COMMENT.
She isn't an idiot. Shr knows she has put on weight.You risk making things 100x worse. Provide home cooked nourishing food amd model healthy lifestyle eating and habits!

@TheQuaintLemonDuck visceral fat is fat stored around the internal organs, so while that may have increased, I doubt you'd know.

If she's got a chubby tummy/increase in abdominal fat, what can you do to help get more active as a family. Modelling doing some strength work as the older female in the family is a great example. Maybe a discussion about what exercise she sees herself doing long-term now she's (presumably?) in college and not getting school PE lessons?

If it's the pony-riding daughter, perhaps some pilates for core strength /and swimming for cardio? Or bike riding for balance and all round fitness?

Discuss a balanced diet from the perspective of including enough nutrients. Is she likely to leave home next year? Eating enough fibre to feel full would help swerve kebabs - can you cook some meals at home with her to set her up for uni years? Hairy Bikers have a great healthier lamb 'donner' in their diet book...

its more the things she buys outside of the weekly shop tbh which I can't control...

did your DD ever clock what you were doing?

Well, downloading some sort of regular strength and flexibility program for you would be valuable for bone density approaching menopause. She might join in even if mostly to tease you. My daughter rather enjoys scoffing at my feeble biceps while brandishing ten times the weight over her head. Conversation about getting enough of the right food might follow?

(Mine was a somewhat overweight teen who developed disordered eating around 16 and started yoyoing. She is a bit too obsessed about nutrition and I don't ever comment on her weight, but I do admire her strength and say that I wish I'd started earlier in life like she has.)

I realise that you may already be able to lift whole horses like Pippilotta. I can't.

These sorts of replies are interesting. On the one hand, lots of mumsnet people are horrified at parents who stop financially supporting their kids at 18, and would presumably not expect a 17 year old to manage any other health condition on their own. Yet obesity is treated differently - why do we expect 17 years olds to manage this on their own when many adults struggle with it?

The word of one mental health nurse turned ed specialist is not the last nor only word. There are lots of right ways to approach this and lots of wrong ways. Good luck op it sounds like you’re sensitive and tuned in enough to find your answer. But it won’t be easy!