DD visceral fat

[TheQuaintLemonDuck]

DD is 17, about 5’2, and has quite clearly put on a fair bit of weight over the last year, mostly around her middle. We really noticed it the other day when she was wearing a crop top - it’s quite prominent now and not just a slight change you could ignore.
Her dad brought it up afterwards and basically said “are we going to say something or just pretend we haven’t noticed?” which is exactly where I’m stuck. It does look like the kind of weight gain that isn’t just a growth phase and probably isn’t especially healthy.
Before anyone jumps on me, I’m not expecting her to look like a model, and I’m very aware she’s 17 and this is a sensitive age. But equally, she snacks a lot, isn’t very active, and it feels a bit like we’d be burying our heads in the sand if we said nothing at all.

I can already hear the “she’s 17, MYOB” replies, but we are still her parents and it feels odd to ignore something that’s quite obvious.
Genuinely interested in what others would do, not looking for a pile-on.

I think she would take comments abour her weight very critically. You could.address the kebabs by talking about cost and then show her how to make kebabs at home, home made pittas, coleslaw and make kebab meat by pressing spiced mince (chicken would be healthier than lamb) between two sheets of baking paper then rolling and baking (you can find tutorials online). And maybe try to encourage some more physical activity, get her out for after dinner walks, I invite her to an exercise class.

I struggle with my weight and I remember my parents commenting when I was around the same age. I already knew I had problems and when they said something it just made me feel bad about it.

On the upside, my parents did start going to the gym so I joined in and it helped a little. Though now as an adult I have weight problems again. Sometimes people are just heavier and you might have to accept that she is going to be a bit heavier than you want for her.

Yes, visceral fat is an odd term of phrase, because visceral fat is hidden deep inside the body, not visible without a scan.. it actually makes the abdomen look firm not flabby.

Trust me, she knows. She lives in her body and she doesn't need anyone to tell her anything. There is just no scenario where anything you say will be helpful to her. It will only be hurtful, even though you have good intentions. Shes old enough now that she is in control of what she puts into her mouth, shes going to be an legal adult very soon.

Have you taught her about healthy eating, nutrition and what her body needs from a young age? Have you encouraged hobbies as exercise and do you and her father set a good example yourselves?

I'm surprised at the amount of people tiptoeing around this. Of course it's a sensitive subject, but I don't think being indirect is helpful. Tactful, yes.
Personally I would be curious and ask her how she feels in her own skin. She's likely aware she is overweight and already wants to do something about it. This would open up the conversation for you to then offer help, guidance and support with eating better and moving more.
If not, then if you are genuinely concerned I would just say so. That you're concerned for her health and would like to help her and as a PP has said, maybe ask her what kind of meals she enjoys and look at how you can balance them better, give her some healthier / more nutritionally balanced snack options. Some of the exercise stuff is quite trendy at the moment too - strong girls are trendy, weight lifting etc is cool and things like CrossFit and hyrox I think are white appealing to younger populations and have a really good social aspect to them.
Or just your usual things - see if she'd like some new tech such as a smart watch or a fit bit, and they have step count competitions and the likes to make it more enjoyable and connect her with friends too.
Also, I'd set an example if you don't already. Encourage her by asking her if she wants to come along on a walk / cycle / gym class etc.

Obviously lots of other suggestions to consider but I find a direct approach is better as you can come from a place of concern rather than her wondering if you think she's fat etc and forming her own narrative of what you're trying to do.

Have you seen that advert that's been on telly and on socials lately, where there's a man having a heart attack! Then it goes back in time to when he's a young man eating a takeaway, a teen eating a Macdonald's, a toddler being given chocolate etc (along those lines anyway) and it's quite shocking. I have high cholesterol which I found out recently and it's scared me into losing weight as I don't want to end up having a stroke or heart attack. I have two young girls and I would address it if it were one of mine as I want them to be the healthiest they can be - albeit they are not teens yet!

how would you address it?

Maybe you could try a revamp for your whole family's menu?

If you focus on meeting daily fibre target, that puts veg & pulses ahead of carbs - which goes a long way towards fullness & not feeling the need to buy extra food 'out of the house'.

I've heard people can get some quite useful suggestions for meal plans using chatGPT & tailoring the suggestions by tweaking the prompt to meet family flavour & ingredient preferences.

Generally speaking something like
breakfast - oats, berries, seeds & 0% yoghurt
lunch - pitta or lettuce wrap with tuna or chicken & lots of veggies (carrots, peppers, small amount of avocado, beansprouts, mushrooms, lentils etc lots you can mix & match) focus on vinegar/pepper/hot sauce for seasoning not buckets of mayonnaise or oil based dressing. Doesn't sound like much but with lots of veg, can actually get challenging to finish.
SNACK - important to not reach for chocolate bar/crisps! Hummus & veg or apple slices w peanut butter. Must have some protein & fat or won't last. Protein shake option in a hurry.
Dinner - quinoa, brown rice or wholemeal pasta or pulses as base carb, but ONLY 1/4 of plate. Fill half with veg eg green beans, sprouting broccoli, leafy greens then 1/4 plate of protein & sauce (swerving butter/oily/cream based sauces).

Weekend breakfast/any meal swap shakshuka eggs with beans/tomatoes/spinach or huevos rancheros wrap with eggs & refried beans & peppers or fried eggs on puy lentils with salsa verde.

Emergency cupboard meal. Tinned bean soup with some veg sticks. John West tuna salad bowl. Poke bowl (ideally brown rice or quinoa not white rice).

Emergency snack. Pint of milk & an apple.

If the whole family did a variation of a meal plan based around broadly this for a month, I guarantee you'd all be healthier, almost certainly be sleeping better, and if you combine it with a decent amount of walking & the odd few press-ups & pull ups (under the dining table, keeping most of your weight on your feet until stronger), I'd venture to suggest every single family member would notice some kind of change in body composition!

The NHS has a really easy strength program/podcast that is easy to build into a morning or evening walk if you want to do that together with your daughter. Search

NHS Strength and flexibility

on your podcast provider. Or more at https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/

It will be much easier to help her/bring her along if you all make the commitment as a family to do the same things. It's unlikely to be bad for anyone, even if they're already a healthy weight & body composition, and will be a huge boost to moral support & commitment for her if she's not the only one on a restrictive 'diet'.

I don't think it's fair to say the op would be 'nagging' her. In fact, she has explained her reluctance in bringing the topic up so i doubt nagging her would ever be an issue.

OP, I do think it's important and your duty as a parent to address the issue somehow. To say nothing and potentially watch your dd become very overweight would be negligent imo. But I agree with you that's it's very tricky. Maybe do what others have suggested. Something along the lines of suggesting that you (or you and dh) want to become healthier, eat better and cut down on junk foods. That maybe you could do it together as a family? Do more activities together at weekends; hikes, join a gym together etc and see what she says? She's not stupid and will know herself that she has put on weight but maybe this will be the little push she needs to address it without you having to make it about her and her weight.

I'm not sure what else to say, I thought my post explained how I would address it. It's only an opinion, I'm not experienced or anything but I do work in healthcare so I'm used to being frank but kind. Direct but tactful. Finding a way to explain that the reasoning behind your words comes from a place of genuine concern for their health, and isn't just an opinion or a disdain for her big tummy. I would base it on facts (for example the specific dangers of visceral fat). I wouldn't know how to tweak that into the language of a teenager, but for example if I'm discussing weight with a patient I might ask them how much they weigh, then ask them if they have lost or gained any weight recently. This sometimes sparks a response such as "I wish I had", in those that are overweight. So I would then go on to say, is your weight something you feel you'd like to address? The only reason I ask is because a high BMI / carrying extra weight can increase your risk of (enter various health conditions, or repeat events such as strokes) which I know you'll want to avoid. Is weight loss something you've thought about? I can refer you to xyz to get you some help and advice if you like?

In almost 100% of people who look overweight and I've asked about it in relation to their health condition, they all generally know it and want to do something about it. Though these are adults, so take what I say with a pinch of salt.

how do i balance negligence with kindness??

Assuming you're not being completely obtuse on purpose now here OP:

Negligence is starting a thread asking for lots of good ideas on gentle ways to help, then not acting on a single one of them.

Kindness is saying after dinner 'come on love, now you're getting the bus to college you're not using your body much, let's stretch it out & go for a walk together for half an hour'.

Just 200 calories a day stacks up to over a stone/8kg over the course of a year. That's easy to achieve by overeating just a little bit consistently (a 40g bag of crisps every day). And easy to undo with just a little bit of activity consistently (walking 3 miles over the course of a day).

Go for the walk and the conversation will follow! It's about helping her balance her lifestyle to her circumstances, and her circumstances have changed since finishing GCSEs. Help set her up for life rather than sticking your head in the sand OP!

Of course I understand that and I also appreciate how sensitive some teens can be, which is why I posted. This woman we use is into saving people’s lives. My dd included. So I will offer information that she has given me if I think it may help. What people choose to do is up to them.

why would you say that? I'm looking for ideas

I was answering your question from the immediately previous post OP.

But I sadi that because, between two posts you have running at the moment, you seem spectacularly reluctant to confront the reality in front of you!

With all the respect that is due to those parents on this thread who have been through the living hell of coping with a loved one with an eating disorder-and I do know first hand how hard that is and how careful you have to be in those circumstances...

It sounds like you're dealing with a basic case of consume more, do less, store fat.

It's hardly rocket science & happens to many late teens, particularly if they start consuming extra calories from alcohol (or kebabs) and/or doing less sport as they stop walkibg to school/having PE lessons/being in clubs & teams etc.

It's incredibly common, easily solved if confronted within the first 3 or 4 months, and part of learning about your own body, how it responds, growing up & getting ready to live an independent life.

It only requires some very basic parenting to go for a walk with your daughter & open the conversation.

Unless there's a back story here that you're significantly overweight & have spent the last 17 years yo-yo dieting, don't have a set of scales in the house, don't know how to cook meals from scratch with plenty of vegetables in, or have never actually exercised in your life? It's not actually hard & is easiest tackled sooner rather than later & leading by example - just get on with it!

From My own perspective I think it’s easier at least on the exercise front to do things with someone else. Eg during Covid I started bike rides with a friend. I had to go out even when the weather wasn’t great….id have not bothered if it was just me. Can you suggest something similar to DD? Eg you want to do 10k steps a day, and you need encouragement…. How’s about you both do it?

No idea how to address the additional kebab issue. Sorry.

I'm not fat at all so it's not a case of lead by example

How often is your DD getting kebabs/other takeaways OP? And how is she affording it, does she work?

I think it's totally fair for you to comment if she's getting multiple takeaways a week as that something obviously anyone would notice when living in the same house, and you could fairly comment on in terms of not being great for her so often, especially if you are making meals she could have with your family instead.

That said though, I think it's quite common for teens and young people to gain a bit of weight when they first start taking a bit more control of their own diet, spending on takeaway and treats etc. It sounds like she has a healthy foundation when it comes to diet and nutrition from your family life, so I would think she will probably rein it back in again at some point herself.

I think it's entirely reasonable to gently point out the weight gain you have noticed, talk through why it might be happening and explain you can help her to both eat more healthily & establish a pattern of regular exercise that she enjoys. She is still a child & you have a responsibility to help her set up with these fundamentals for her adult life.

You do not say a single word

Based on how incredibly assinine OP is managing to be with every single person who'd proposed a sensible suggestion on this thread, I think you're probably right!

....suggest leading by example (in going for a walk after dinner & taking DD along, or choosing some healthy meals to cook together as a family), get told OP's not fat therefore she's not leading by example.

🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

I think OP was just saying that her own habits and the family meals are already healthy and as such she has not lead DD down this less healthy route by example. She was not saying that she refuses to lead by example because she's not overweight herself.

I would probably just bemoan my own unfitness, then ask her to take up an activity with you 'because you don't want to do it on your own.'

but how are you starting that conversation?

I was a bit overweight as a teenager and honestly, I would have loved it if my mother had helped me do something about it. Be straightforward but kind, and offer to eat healthier and exercise more together. Using euphemisms and trying to be subtle when she’s 17 is just silly.

Lots of ideas on here OP, and you've had a fortnight to mull it over.

How are YOU going to start this conversation?