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Original poster

Ex refusing childcare cover during holiday and making co-parenting difficult

53 replies

ThreeboysCH · 02/04/2026 11:21

Myself and my ex were co-parenting fine months until he told me he was dating (to which I said I hope it's going well) and he asked if I was, once he found out I was he hit the roof, no longer co-parents amicably and will do anything to hurt me, even attempting to keep the kids from me.
I have this logged with various specialists, however, I am going on holiday with my current partner this month and he will not accept any form of idea I bring up for childcare.

I'm currently pregnant and this is causing me a lot of stress, we currently co-parent 50/50 one week with me and one week with him, I go away on his week but it runs over my week slightly. He will not agree to have the kids until the Wednesday and he won't swap over with anyone else besides me even though my mum has said she can have them from the Sunday (when we usually swap over) until I get back. The only option he is giving me is to cancel my holiday.

Has anyone dealt with similar controlling behaviour?

OP posts:
whatcanthematterbe81 · 02/04/2026 13:06

You should have checked before you booked. But also, what’s he gonna do? Dump them to an empty house?

Firstsuggestions · 02/04/2026 13:09

Its awful, if he was a grown up he would be reasonable about this but he's not. Agree with PP you should have got it confirmed in writing that he was willing to have them extra days. But nothing you can do there now.

Question is what will he do? As we can see from so many women courts are insanely slow and won't care about a one off. Father's do this all the time. You can just go away and say I have arranged childcare on my time as I am entitled to do. Hand them to my mother or look after them yourself.

Is he likely to A) refuse to take them for his week so you're scuppered or b) refuse to give them back and force you to go to court to resume access?

Original poster
ThreeboysCH · 02/04/2026 13:53

It was booked when we were on good terms so previous to this we've always been quite accommodating for each other considering they're our kids, if he was away at any point and I could have them, I would never turn them away.

He would just make my life hell if I was to not turn up on the Sunday, my mum has offered to go to his and the kids can just come out with their bags, he wouldn't even have to see her and he's still refusing. (His, being the house that is still 50% mine as he hasn't bought me out yet, refusing to sell and dragging the process on painfully slow)

I've got an open case with the police and domestic violence advisors for violent messages and threats he has sent to me when this all kicked off.

At this point I think he'll only be happy if I cancel the holiday which is probably what he wants to keep some form of control

OP posts:

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LarryStylinson · 02/04/2026 13:58

Don't cancel. Have your mum be at your house ready to receive them. Figure out the rest as it happens.

CombatBarbie · 02/04/2026 14:01

In this case id let him believe youve cancelled it and send your mum as planned, what a controlling knob!!! He doesnt get to dictate who you have looking after the kids on your time.

Original poster
ThreeboysCH · 02/04/2026 14:30

Firstsuggestions · 02/04/2026 13:09

Its awful, if he was a grown up he would be reasonable about this but he's not. Agree with PP you should have got it confirmed in writing that he was willing to have them extra days. But nothing you can do there now.

Question is what will he do? As we can see from so many women courts are insanely slow and won't care about a one off. Father's do this all the time. You can just go away and say I have arranged childcare on my time as I am entitled to do. Hand them to my mother or look after them yourself.

Is he likely to A) refuse to take them for his week so you're scuppered or b) refuse to give them back and force you to go to court to resume access?

He would likely refuse to give them back, he attempted to keep them away from me when he found out I had a new boyfriend (after he already said he was dating)

Bear in mind he is doing all this and supposedly in a happy, serious relationship himself at the minute but still wants to put me through stress

OP posts:
isthesolution · 02/04/2026 14:42

Honestly - you shouldn’t have told him about the holiday and maybe in the future that’s a lesson learnt.

But for now I’d just say ‘I realise I shouldn’t have asked you to have the kids extra for my holiday - I’ll make other arrangements and not alter our plans at all’. Then I’d get your mum to go and do the collection. If he refuses to let her have the kids just text him and say ‘mum says you’ve decided to have the kids for longer after all. Let me know when you want me to collect them’ and do not engage further.

Having never met him I can’t be 100% certain but I’d bet a lot of money on the fact that he doesn’t want full custody and will spout all sorts about how he’ll get lawyers and you’ll never see them again and so on. Don’t rise to any of it. Just stick to ‘I’m ready to have them when you want me to - just let me know’. He is dating again, he doesn’t want full custody of the kids for any reason other than to upset you - he’ll very quickly realise how difficult and expensive it all is and not want to carry on.

Pallisers · 02/04/2026 14:48

But for now I’d just say ‘I realise I shouldn’t have asked you to have the kids extra for my holiday - I’ll make other arrangements and not alter our plans at all’. Then I’d get your mum to go and do the collection. If he refuses to let her have the kids just text him and say ‘mum says you’ve decided to have the kids for longer after all. Let me know when you want me to collect them’ and do not engage further.

I'd do this. And if he says he is keeping the children forever turn up at school pick up and get them. If that doesn't work turn up at the house with your bags and tell him you are moving back into your house.

Greymatterwriter · 02/04/2026 14:52

isthesolution · 02/04/2026 14:42

Honestly - you shouldn’t have told him about the holiday and maybe in the future that’s a lesson learnt.

But for now I’d just say ‘I realise I shouldn’t have asked you to have the kids extra for my holiday - I’ll make other arrangements and not alter our plans at all’. Then I’d get your mum to go and do the collection. If he refuses to let her have the kids just text him and say ‘mum says you’ve decided to have the kids for longer after all. Let me know when you want me to collect them’ and do not engage further.

Having never met him I can’t be 100% certain but I’d bet a lot of money on the fact that he doesn’t want full custody and will spout all sorts about how he’ll get lawyers and you’ll never see them again and so on. Don’t rise to any of it. Just stick to ‘I’m ready to have them when you want me to - just let me know’. He is dating again, he doesn’t want full custody of the kids for any reason other than to upset you - he’ll very quickly realise how difficult and expensive it all is and not want to carry on.

Absolutely this.

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 14:53

No idea why you would book a holiday without your children, you thought you were being clever and got caught out.

Redruby2020 · 02/04/2026 14:56

whatcanthematterbe81 · 02/04/2026 13:06

You should have checked before you booked. But also, what’s he gonna do? Dump them to an empty house?

Yes and no to this. My exP doesn’t check or ask some things, just expects and assumes, that I will carry on and cover things. But that was his plan.

Original poster
ThreeboysCH · 02/04/2026 14:57

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 14:53

No idea why you would book a holiday without your children, you thought you were being clever and got caught out.

How was I being clever? He's been on plenty of holidays since we've split and I've booked one, why even respond to a post if you have nothing useful to say

OP posts:
titchy · 02/04/2026 15:00

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 14:53

No idea why you would book a holiday without your children, you thought you were being clever and got caught out.

Are parents not allowed to go away without their DCs then? Who knew… Not sure why you say OP was being clever either - the holiday is on his week and her mums doing the day overlap.

Stick to your plan. If he refuses to let your dm collect them then let him have them. He’s the unreasonable one.

G5000 · 02/04/2026 15:03

He would just make my life hell if I was to not turn up on the Sunday

he already is, so what's new.
As pp say, don't cancel. Your mum will go to pick up the kids, so either he will hand them over, or keep them until you're back. Unless you have an arrangement where only you in person can pick kids up, it's none of his business who is doing childcare during your time.

Original poster
ThreeboysCH · 02/04/2026 15:07

G5000 · 02/04/2026 15:03

He would just make my life hell if I was to not turn up on the Sunday

he already is, so what's new.
As pp say, don't cancel. Your mum will go to pick up the kids, so either he will hand them over, or keep them until you're back. Unless you have an arrangement where only you in person can pick kids up, it's none of his business who is doing childcare during your time.

There's only an email from him stating "childcare rules" which I haven't even signed - but nothing legal or court ordered to say it has to be me doing swap overs..

OP posts:
moonandbackside · 02/04/2026 15:12

OP, people who are telling you that you have a learned a lesson and shouldn’t have booked before you confirmed, haven’t lived through experiences with this type of controlling ex. If he wants to make your life difficult then he can, and will, continue to be disruptive regardless of whether you have it in writing or a court order. It’s just what they do, even when they are in new relationships. They just love to make your life stressful.

PP are right, whatever you do, he will make your life difficult, so just send your mum. Worst case, he refuses to hand them to her and keeps them til you get back (or until the Easter holidays are finished). You can then make up lost time when you get it back if you want.

But I get it. It’s exhausting and you’ll never really win with this character.

moonandbackside · 02/04/2026 15:16

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 14:53

No idea why you would book a holiday without your children, you thought you were being clever and got caught out.

She wasn’t trying to be clever. They had an arrangement when the children would be at his. So she booked a holiday whilst she didn’t have the children which overlapped by a day. And she arranged appropriate childcare for that one day so as not to cause inconvenience to her ex and to provide no disruption to the arrangement. When the children are with the ex, do you believe she is only allowed to stay at home? Any judge would deem her behaviour here entirely reasonable.

nixon1976 · 02/04/2026 15:16

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 14:53

No idea why you would book a holiday without your children, you thought you were being clever and got caught out.

OP, ignore this drivel

willitevergetwarm · 02/04/2026 15:47

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 14:53

No idea why you would book a holiday without your children, you thought you were being clever and got caught out.

WHAT????????

Is it only Fathers that are allowed to go away without their children?

Op is entitled to a holiday without her ex being so obstructive.

My DH's ex tried this and was told that as long he made suitable arrangements during his time, then there was nothing she could do about the 1 night our holiday overlapped his time. When she took them away on his time, of course it was a different matter entirely and he wasn't allowed to say a single word to her.

Op, I would go and get your Mum to collect the children.

Have a lovely stress free time

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2026 17:09

LarryStylinson · 02/04/2026 13:58

Don't cancel. Have your mum be at your house ready to receive them. Figure out the rest as it happens.

I agree with this. He either keeps them longer or hands them over to the childcare you have organised. Who cares for them in your time is up to you, but you’ve also given him the right of first refusal. Keep everything in writing so you can prove his high conflict adversarial nature if needed.
I wouldn’t have agreed to 5050 with someone like this (I realise you may not have seen this side to him before though!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2026 17:12

If he doesn’t give them back/give them to your mum then that’s fine. You just pick them up from school the next day as planned? Or if not at school, just go to collect them. It won’t look good if he refuses to hand them over for Longer as that would’ve him unilaterally changing the child arrangements without your consent and not supporting their relationship with you. You could do an emergency child arrangements order application the next day and then do a prohibited steps order to stop him keeping them

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2026 17:13

Ps from now on always tell him it’s for a work conference

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2026 17:14

Pallisers · 02/04/2026 14:48

But for now I’d just say ‘I realise I shouldn’t have asked you to have the kids extra for my holiday - I’ll make other arrangements and not alter our plans at all’. Then I’d get your mum to go and do the collection. If he refuses to let her have the kids just text him and say ‘mum says you’ve decided to have the kids for longer after all. Let me know when you want me to collect them’ and do not engage further.

I'd do this. And if he says he is keeping the children forever turn up at school pick up and get them. If that doesn't work turn up at the house with your bags and tell him you are moving back into your house.

Yes you still have a key, if he’s changed the locks (which he shouldn’t without your consent) then a locksmith will change them back for you

ThisChirpyFox · 02/04/2026 17:21

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 14:53

No idea why you would book a holiday without your children, you thought you were being clever and got caught out.

What a stupid comment! Troll

Dragracer · 02/04/2026 17:32

Pallisers · 02/04/2026 14:48

But for now I’d just say ‘I realise I shouldn’t have asked you to have the kids extra for my holiday - I’ll make other arrangements and not alter our plans at all’. Then I’d get your mum to go and do the collection. If he refuses to let her have the kids just text him and say ‘mum says you’ve decided to have the kids for longer after all. Let me know when you want me to collect them’ and do not engage further.

I'd do this. And if he says he is keeping the children forever turn up at school pick up and get them. If that doesn't work turn up at the house with your bags and tell him you are moving back into your house.

This 100%