Ex refusing childcare cover during holiday and making co-parenting difficult

[ThreeboysCH]

Myself and my ex were co-parenting fine months until he told me he was dating (to which I said I hope it's going well) and he asked if I was, once he found out I was he hit the roof, no longer co-parents amicably and will do anything to hurt me, even attempting to keep the kids from me.
I have this logged with various specialists, however, I am going on holiday with my current partner this month and he will not accept any form of idea I bring up for childcare.

I'm currently pregnant and this is causing me a lot of stress, we currently co-parent 50/50 one week with me and one week with him, I go away on his week but it runs over my week slightly. He will not agree to have the kids until the Wednesday and he won't swap over with anyone else besides me even though my mum has said she can have them from the Sunday (when we usually swap over) until I get back. The only option he is giving me is to cancel my holiday.

Has anyone dealt with similar controlling behaviour?

My understanding is that the parent the child is currently due to stay with gets to decide what the children do/ who theyre with etc. So you go on holiday, dont enter into any further conversation with your ex about anything to do with it. When your time with the children comes around your DM goes to collect them. If ex doesn't play ball, get DM to just leave. You then go to collect your children when you're back

People can go on holiday without their children when they are with their other parent.

What??? And having a child free holiday is wrong because????

No court will dictate "rules" as in only the parents can do handover.

Hes being ridiculous and will soon back down once he starts the legal route and its costs.

Hes allowed a life but you aren't??

Why is he having contact at all when there’s domestic violence?

Get to court and make sure any future contact is safe for you & the kids.

Yes perfectly fine if firm childcare plans are in place first regardless of which parent goes before the booking

I think you jsut say in writing: we have often supported each other to take holidays, but i am NOT asking this of you here. The children will be collected at the usual time on x by my mum, and I will be back the following day. You have returned to your abusive and hostile ways since you found out I was dating, despite being apparently happily in a relationship yourself (what does your partner think of your obsession with me?). I have logged your behaviour with the police and it is hurting the children. If you don’t permit my mum to collect them I will immediately apply for a court hearing where we will make a child arrangement order which specifies that my mum or any third party can collect the children. This is required as when you are sending me abusive violent messages I need the security of not having to physically meet you, and our children need the security that their mum isn’t being threatened and intimidated by their dad.

Good grief. A mumsnet special. Wtf.

If he refuses to give the kids back then just turn up with your stuff and new boyfriend and move back into the house that you still legally own half of and could legally move back into without prior notice and make damn sure the ex knows that .

Do not cancel the holiday ... you go on holiday relax tell him drop off is with your mum .
If he causes problems what is he going to do leave the kids at an empty house .. I very much doubt it it's hard co-parenting when one is unreasonable don't give in to him .
Those are your instructions for your children stick to your guns .

Yep just send your mum and if your ex refuses to hand the kids over go and get them when you get back. Unless there is a particular court mandate that you have to pick them up yourself, or that your mum is not allowed to be alone with the kids because she is a convicted abuser or something, court will laugh at your ex and order him to pay costs if he tries to claim that you made him go back to court by not picking them up yourself!

I would contact his own mother and family and let them know what an A he’s being

Its very typical of ex-hs to behave like this. They're obsessed with coercive control.

Sadly I've seen so many examples of this, it has completely changed my opinions on men.

I'd advise you to read up on it, because it can be incredibly damaging to your self esteem amd sanity. 😔

Hi op could you tell him if you have to cancel your holiday because he’s jealous then there will be no flexibility from you either going forward ever. compromise is important when co parenting but if he’s willing to throw that all way over your new relationship then let him. Tell him he’s being controlling even now when you’re separated and he’s dating so what does it matter if you are. Don’t let him control your life if he does this now he will think he’s won. He’s being a child.

He sounds very bitter about the fact you’ve moved on, is he actually in a new relationship or is he just saying it?
if he is in a relationship I wonder what his new partner is saying about him irrational behaviour?
How old are your children?

Apparently so, they have eachother as in a relationship on fb etc, shes a few years younger than me with no kids so probably consoling him and listening to everything he says to victimise himself as if I'm the bad one, our kids are 10 and 5 and have adapted well to us being separated and having two houses, its literally just him holding on to the last bit of control he has

Oh hello, Mrs Smug has arrived. What a ridiculous comment.

Not my thread but I’m finding it helpful. Could you please advise where to read up on this? Are you talking research, books, guidance, support materials, any specific authors or articles please? Many thanks.

this

This is v good advice too

Are you the ex husband?!

Does your husband know you’re pregnant OP?

Many others would have better advice, I’m sure. But I found jessrunsforsurvivors great. She’s on instagram and posts her endless struggles and how she deals brilliantly with it. She’s a strong woman. I’m mostly out the other side now but I follow her just because it’s so helpful to know I’m not alone! But great advice in there for women going through it.

You need to put him on a strict information diet.

Tell him to drop the kids off at yours at the usual time and have your mum there. If he refuses to leave them with her that’s fine isn’t it?

????