Nursery expecting too much of a 2 year old?

[Pinkstuffs]

My DS is 22 months, so isn’t even 2 for a few weeks yet. He’s started to spend time in the next room up in nursery. Whenever I pick him up, the room lead always tells me that he doesn’t listen and that they have to keep reminding him to listen to adults. She has now told me this about 6 times in the past couple of weeks.

Isn't this just normal behaviour for a toddler? He gets quite excitable when he’s in a group like when he’s with his friends at nursery, but overall he’s not out of control. He recognises his name and he can follow simple instructions but he doesn’t have a lot of impulse control which I thought was normal for his age.

Are they expecting too much or should I be worried about him? The oldest children in his room are 3 so I imagine there is quite a gap in their comprehension and behaviour vs his.

The difference between 2 and 3 is insane in terms of development. I’d speak to the room lead about staff expectations, it does seem a bit unfair on your little one to expect similar behaviour to a three year old.

YANBU. 2-3 is a massive change in ability

He sounds like he’s not really ready to move rooms yet, that’s completely fine. Two months is a long time in terms of toddler development

My DS is 2 and has mastered selective hearing. There is also some lack of understanding there - not about what we’re saying but more awareness of consequences and boundaries. They’re still so little!

Normal behaviour - DD is 2.5 and she has the selective listening ears.

Room move wise again very normal to start settling visits and building up time until the reach the age to transition in fully. Be ready for toddler room as it’s chaotic compared to younger rooms!!

It sounds like she’s asking you to help her reinforce that he needs to listen to adults, at home. I don’t think she’d bother saying it if it was too much for his age to start that learning, she literally spends all day with little kids. I wouldn’t go mad worrying about it, just think about how you’re teaching him to listen etc. it might be that you’re still thinking of him as a little baby with not much going on upstairs but my experience of seeing kids in that 18-30 month bit is they are absolute sponges and it’s worth trying.

Listen to adults when? I think it would be fairly unusual for a 22 month old to be listening to and following instructions in a group situation. On a 1:1 basis where you’ve attracted his attention first, maybe.

what sort of things are they doing where they have to keep reminding him to listen to adults?

I would be happy for him to stay in the younger room but nursery are desperate for him to move, he’s been spending time in this room for weeks now and he’s the oldest in this current room. I think the staff ratio is higher as the children are mostly older. Being around older children is helping his speech a lot. He seems to be enjoying himself in there and has settled fine! I will ask them to elaborate next time. Currently I’m sort of apologising for him and feeling awkward!

You are being a little unreasonable here.

He should be taught to listen. Whenever you tell him to do or not to do something at home, you need to praise him for listening, or remind him that he needs to listen. Listening is fundamental to all further learning. It is essential that you work with him on this at home.

You also have to work diligently and consistently with him at home to establish impulse control. If you don't put in the work, it's not going to happen, and your child will end up being taught these fundamentals by overworked, underpaid nursery workers, possibly in a way that is not very patient.

Children don't magically develop the habit of listening or stopping to think before acting once they reach a certain age. They learn these habits when parents work hard to instill them. Nursery can back you up as a parent, but it is grossly unfair to expect them to do the heavy lifting here.

The 2-3 year old room in a nursery is a chaotic environment and nursery workers' patience will quickly run very thin if a child is simply not paying attention to instructions - and they won't be complex instructions either, at this stage.

There is no way a child should get away with ignoring someone who is calling his name at home. Same goes for a child ignoring an instruction not to jump on furniture, pull the dog's ear, bang a table with a toy, etc. Do not let your child ignore your voice. 22 months is absolutely not too young to work on this. It may well be a little late, in fact.

The younger room are probably desperate because he isn't listening and is causing havoc.

I can imagine several scenarios where it is important to listen.

Carpet time/ circle time/ story time - does he get up and run off? Does he stand up in front of everyone who is seated and block the view of the book?

General - does he continuously take off his shoes?
Does he cruise around tipping out bins of toys? Does he watch for any opportunity to turn on a tap and play with water?

Meal/ snack time - does he remain seated while eating or get up and try to run around? Does he continuously scooch his chair back from the table? Does he tip his cup of milk or water onto the table/ floor?

The child is not yet 2, @mathanxiety. I think your expectations are wildly off here.

Those aren’t really unusual expectations for a child that age at nursery and who has been at nursery for a while. It’s pretty standard nursery behaviour.

Sounds like the Nursery room leader is having a bad day, got too much on her plate. He will be listening to adults, unless she can give a specific time or event where he hasn’t, she’s just frustrated with her job but don’t take too much notice.

Well that doesn’t bode well given the number of times this message has now been given to the OP. It’s not as if it was just once.

Unless they can give specifics, times, dates, events very difficult to believe it happened.
I remember one occasion when my daughter was accused of knocking Blue Paint over and apparently it went everywhere.
And it turned out she wasn’t even in Nursery on the day that she was apparently the villain.

This!
What about when he won't listen and evacuate when the fire alarm sounds, or when told to get down from climbing on a table, or to walk indoors, or wait for his turn. There is a difference between 'can't' and 'won't' listen.

Yes, listening to adults, being able to sit for a short time at that age for stories, songs etc is expected. Also sitting at the table waiting for friends to finish their food before leaving the table. Many children naturally dictate/rule the roost at home so these are little things I ask parents to reinforce at home as at the childcare setting they are part of a group. Just ask the practitioner what specific situations she is talking about so you’ve got something to work on. I’m imaging she’s maybe telling him to share/stop doing something and he’s testing boundaries. Current government policy (not that I agree with all of it, just stating fact) is to be “school ready” at quite a young age and that starts with listening to adults. As an early years practitioner I also make sure I’m properly listening to the children too!

Agree with @mathanxiety and @littlemisspickles

The nursery staff have seen so many children come and go, so thinking they don’t understand what a 22-month-old can listen to is a bit ignorant, OP.

I never understand the “they’re too small, let them get away with it” attitude. They’re not babies anymore—they’re toddlers, and you need to do the parenting. Yes, you’ll have to repeat everything a hundred times, and 70% of it might get ignored, but it still needs to be done.

If you start now, it will be easier for you later.

I agree that you need to find out specifics like if he’s sitting with the other DC for storytime and food or if he’s being disruptive.

You say that his speech has come in a lot since moving up. Does he have any kind of speech delay? How do they score on the 22 month Ages & Stages?

What does that have to do with anything? You said maybe the nursery room leader was having a bad day. This message has been given 6 times in a couple of weeks. That suggests the leader is having more bad days than good which doesn’t bode well for the kids in that nursery.

Given the op is getting the message on pick up, it’s fairly safe to assume her kid was in nursery that day.

The point is if they can’t come with exact times events or examples of this behaviour that they’re claiming the child has exhibited.

Fairly safe to say that the child isn’t doing what it’s accused of.
Not listening is such a vague general terminology for what exactly?
The person obviously has a problem with her child which may or may not be valid.
But if they want to fix it, they’re going to have to come with a little bit more detail.

If they are raising concerns surely they know his age? So they would have taken that into account.
It could be that they are just updating you on areas to work on, or it could be there are concerns.
Apologising or saying it's normal isn't the best idea, I would ask them first if there's anything you should be doing at home to support your child, and secondly if there's any extra support they can give from their side.
Then you can have a constructive conversation about your child rather than being awkward or embarrassed

In order for a small number of adults to manage a large group of toddlers safety, they do have to have expectation of them all following instructions.

The staff will have met lots of 2 year olds. What they are telling you is his behaviour is different than most children his age.

When is he next in Nursery @Pinkstuffs?