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Parenting

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My son hit another kid at nursery

50 replies

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 18:41

My son is three. Nursery always commenting how he is the kindest boy in class, and that is exactly how he is at home. He has a younger brother and is very caring and kind to him also.

Over the weekend he had a few tantrums that were extremely out of character. I thought he could have been feeling a bit unwell.

Today he went to nursery and on picking him I was informed he had out of nowhere pushed and kicked another little boy. From what they could tell it seemed completely unprovoked (not that it would be acceptable even if it had been). What makes it worse is that they said the boy he did it to is the quietest kid of the class and struggles a bit.

I am looking for advice on how to handle this. I feel so worried and disappointed. I put so much emphasis on kindness. It is such a core value in our house and I don't want my son to be a bully. But it's so far away from how he normally behaves. Even the nursery staff said they were shocked.

No big events at home. He gets so much love. Boundaries. It's a mystery. The other thing that happened today was apparently he had a wee wee accident and had to change his clothes. I have wondered if there could be an embarrassment factor around that - again not making excuses.

I have asked him about it but can't get further information. He is still developing his vocabulary. He does understand and does speak a lot though. Although I can't get an answer as to why he has said sorry and cried (I have not been angry just asking him about it and explaining the importance of being kind to each other and not hitting etc)

Please help!

OP posts:
Vegsoupatnight · 30/03/2026 18:43

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Gray67 · 30/03/2026 18:44

I also feel so sorry to the young boy. I had suggested to my husband that we contact his parents to apologise and make it clear we are taking it seriously, but he thinks I should not do this as we don't know what they know or could make it worse and to trust the nursery processes.

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Vegsoupatnight · 30/03/2026 18:44

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newornotnew · 30/03/2026 18:52

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 18:44

I also feel so sorry to the young boy. I had suggested to my husband that we contact his parents to apologise and make it clear we are taking it seriously, but he thinks I should not do this as we don't know what they know or could make it worse and to trust the nursery processes.

Your husband is correct. Let nursery handle it.

Hohofortherobbers · 30/03/2026 18:54

He is so young. Let it go.

Listlostlast · 30/03/2026 18:55

Kindly, because you clearly want the very best for your son and those around him, you’re massively overreacting. Like, in a huge way. He’s still a good, kind little boy, but he is also just a very young child. They do this things sometimes, it truly isn’t the end of the world. He knows it’s wrong, he’s been told, leave it at that, don’t go on at him anymore or it’ll just make it into a much bigger thing that it ever needed to be. Definitely don’t contact the other parents.

edited as I worded something poorly, and harshly!

CandidQuoter · 30/03/2026 18:55

I'd not go overboard this time but if it happens again then I would make sure your son realises that he caused another child pain and saying sorry to you and crying doesn't do anything to lessen the other child's pain and proable distrust of him. One of my nephews would turn on the waterworks when he was in trouble because he knew his mum would go soft on him. Thankfully his father saw through the action and made his son realise that he still had to own his behaviour.

Lomonald · 30/03/2026 18:57

Let the nursery handle the pushing it happened there, if you see the parents you can maybe apologise or mention it, kids push or hit sometimes even the quiet ones, is you son maybe not well and he is just not feeling right, you saying he had an accident that is out of character, keep an eye on it, but the hitting out might be a frustration thing, and just a phase.

johnd2 · 30/03/2026 18:57

Don't overthink it, words like "bully" are getting a bit ahead of yourself. At 3, just keep on as you are, and monitor things for now.
When your child bites another child, that's when to worry (yes it happened here, but luckily only once!)
Another tip when the nursery report things to you, reply with "oh dear, how can I help with things from my side" and then you either get useful tips or they say it's been dealt with.

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 18:59

I think it was the fact they said it was the quietest child who struggles to socialise. I don't know if that makes sense but if they had said he hit out at one of his friends or the louder kids I would think maybe it's just rough play and he didn't know. I'm worried he targeted a more vulnerable kid.

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Cathmawr · 30/03/2026 19:00

Sometimes toddlers hit OP, it's not nice but I think you are over worrying!

My DD is nearly 3, generally very kind and lovely and about a month ago she had a few instances of hitting/pushing other kids at nursery. It was really out of character, she was smacking me at home as well and it went on for a very frustrating week or two. It transpires that some littler kids had moved up into her toddler room and one of them is in a smacking phase, so I think it was a bit of copying for the negative attention. I didn't make a big deal out of it, just told her off each time and praised her for kind hands and luckily she's back to being lovely and kind (for now 🤣🤞)

My DD has been pushed/hit by other kids before this and it's not nice but she's never very arsed about it. I'm sure the little boy has moved on!

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 19:00

Thanks so much for all the advice. It has helped a lot and I feel a bit calmer

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Gray67 · 30/03/2026 19:02

Do you think I should tell him to make sure he apologised to the boy tomorrow

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Listlostlast · 30/03/2026 19:02

He didn’t target anyone, I’m 99.99% sure. He’s just little and made a ‘bad’ choice, they all do it. My 4.5yo son isn’t one for hitting or anything like that usually but he’s had his moments, sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Worse still, he bit two children when he was maybe 2.5/3. Now that truly is mortifying. I came down on him like a tonne of bricks the time he did it around me and he’s never done it since, but the time he did it at preschool, it was to a lovely little boy who’s one of his very best friends now. It doesn’t do lasting psychological damage, promise!

newornotnew · 30/03/2026 19:04

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 19:02

Do you think I should tell him to make sure he apologised to the boy tomorrow

No. Stop it. It is done and nursery have dealt with it.

The more you hassle him, the more you will unsettle him.

Tryagain26 · 30/03/2026 19:04

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 18:59

I think it was the fact they said it was the quietest child who struggles to socialise. I don't know if that makes sense but if they had said he hit out at one of his friends or the louder kids I would think maybe it's just rough play and he didn't know. I'm worried he targeted a more vulnerable kid.

I doubt he targeted him. It probably just happened.He might be coming down with something, his tolerance levels could be lower than normal and other child may have just done something or said something that annoyed him.
These things happen all the time with young children and I find three year olds the most difficult age. Just move on from it.

Workinggreen · 30/03/2026 19:05

Oh he’s just a little kid, he made one mistake I wouldn’t worry about his behaviour personally.

I would think about his health though, is there any chance he has a uti or something? He’s more upset, acting out, and having an accident

newornotnew · 30/03/2026 19:06

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 18:59

I think it was the fact they said it was the quietest child who struggles to socialise. I don't know if that makes sense but if they had said he hit out at one of his friends or the louder kids I would think maybe it's just rough play and he didn't know. I'm worried he targeted a more vulnerable kid.

I'm worried he targeted a more vulnerable kid. This is extremely irrational - he is only three.

You are projecting hugely negative scenarios onto your child.

It might be that you need to talk through your fears with your husband?

Upsadiddles · 30/03/2026 19:07

I wouldn’t contact the parents and I wouldn’t stress too much. I don’t think there’s many children who get through the whole of nursery without at least one report of them hurting another child and being hurt by another child. Obviously if it keeps happening you’d need to discuss strategies with nursery, but as an out of character incident on a day where he might not be feeling his best I wouldn’t be too concerned. Even the kindest gentlest children can lash out at that age. He probably can’t even remember why he did it. He’s been told it’s wrong. If it was mine I’d probably remind them in the morning to be gentle and to play nice with the boy but I wouldn’t keep bringing it up. I’m sure nursery dealt with it at the time and they’ll see it all the time too.

Lomonald · 30/03/2026 19:08

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 19:02

Do you think I should tell him to make sure he apologised to the boy tomorrow

No, it might make him more unsettled little children can struggle to apologise and regulate themselves it has been dealt with you have spoken to him, tomorrow just say have a nice day son when he goes in.

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 19:08

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate it.

I can see I was jumping ahead. I will explore his health though because he doesn't seem himself

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marcyhermit · 30/03/2026 19:09

Calm down, he was probably the 3rd kid to hit another at nursery that day. It's just a surprise because it's out of character.

The incident is over now, the nursery staff will have corrected him at the time, it's finished.

xOlive · 30/03/2026 19:12

Aww, he’s only 3 and if it’s out of character I’d just keep an eye on him and make sure something isn’t bothering him that he can’t vocalise yet.

My daughter was bitten badly at nursery, that same boy went to school with her when they started Reception, he’s a good boy, real quiet, it was a one off incident.

At this age, don’t make too big a deal out of the bad incidents but really make a fuss of “yayyyy you had a good day, how exciting!!” blah blah, positive reinforcement works better for most at this age.

Mt563 · 30/03/2026 19:13

Talk to him about ways to deal with big feelings, that aren't hitting. Explain these feelings are normal but that doesn't make hitting ok.

I tell mine to take a few deep breaths, or stamp their feet, or go find a cushion or something soft to squeeze or to just talk to an adult.

Gray67 · 30/03/2026 19:13

xOlive · 30/03/2026 19:12

Aww, he’s only 3 and if it’s out of character I’d just keep an eye on him and make sure something isn’t bothering him that he can’t vocalise yet.

My daughter was bitten badly at nursery, that same boy went to school with her when they started Reception, he’s a good boy, real quiet, it was a one off incident.

At this age, don’t make too big a deal out of the bad incidents but really make a fuss of “yayyyy you had a good day, how exciting!!” blah blah, positive reinforcement works better for most at this age.

This is great advice about the reinforcing good behaviour. I don't want to plant a seed that he is a "bad" boy. Thanks

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