My son hit another kid at nursery

[Gray67]

My son is three. Nursery always commenting how he is the kindest boy in class, and that is exactly how he is at home. He has a younger brother and is very caring and kind to him also.

Over the weekend he had a few tantrums that were extremely out of character. I thought he could have been feeling a bit unwell.

Today he went to nursery and on picking him I was informed he had out of nowhere pushed and kicked another little boy. From what they could tell it seemed completely unprovoked (not that it would be acceptable even if it had been). What makes it worse is that they said the boy he did it to is the quietest kid of the class and struggles a bit.

I am looking for advice on how to handle this. I feel so worried and disappointed. I put so much emphasis on kindness. It is such a core value in our house and I don't want my son to be a bully. But it's so far away from how he normally behaves. Even the nursery staff said they were shocked.

No big events at home. He gets so much love. Boundaries. It's a mystery. The other thing that happened today was apparently he had a wee wee accident and had to change his clothes. I have wondered if there could be an embarrassment factor around that - again not making excuses.

I have asked him about it but can't get further information. He is still developing his vocabulary. He does understand and does speak a lot though. Although I can't get an answer as to why he has said sorry and cried (I have not been angry just asking him about it and explaining the importance of being kind to each other and not hitting etc)

Please help!

Another child bit mine once at nursery and the nursery handled it well. Separately, the mum did come up to me and apologised which I did appreciate - however, she then told my DD her DS had only bitten her because he really liked her 😡So if you do apologise to the parents, I'd make it brief and just say you're really sorry your son hurt theirs. I also wouldn't worry too much unless it becomes a regular occurrence.

Your son is still going through emotions etc and maybe can't understand what he is doing is wrong. Be patient with him

Don't talk to the other parent.

All kids do this at one point or another. You are over reacting a bit, OP.

OP - unfortunately these things do happen, the nursery would have dealt with it at the time. All you can do is monitor his behaviour at home and ensure he is pulled up on any bad behaviour and of course praised for good behaviour.

We had a similar stage of this with our son at 3. For us he was a little behind his peers in language, and a summer baby, and I think it was frustration combined with struggling to express himself. I can't recall exactly how or when it stopped, it was only a few months. I think maybe it stopped when his language skills took a leap. We just kept reinforcing the right behaviour in the moment when we saw it. Anyway I wouldn't worry too much- a few years on and he is a kind and sweet kid with a very ingrained sense of morality for himself and the other kids.

Kids are kids, don't beat yourself up. The nursery will be telling you out of concern as he isn't like this normally. They will have seen 100% worse. Our youngest is so gentle, but will push his older sister now, and I don't think would ever do that in nursery, but you never know. Children have big feelings, and teaching them what their feelings are/how to recognise them, and how to mange them is a very helpful life skill. We loved the Colour Monster book - there is a pop up version available which is fantastic. Ours love pretending to be the angry monster. It's a great fun read and I think can be helpful for children.

The nursery will have handled it.
Leave it and focus on noticing kind behaviour and praising it. Better to notice specific kind/gentle things he does when he does them, than celebrating him having 'a good day'. That's too vague at that age.

DS was similar with a speech delay went through a hitting stage at nursery around 2 and a half to 3 and it was mortifying. I read "kind hands don't hurt" to him but what really helped was just him growing up/ getting more language. We didn't have any issues from 3 and a half ongoing (he's now in reception and never any issues).

@Gray67 If your DS has limited vocabulary (understandable) two things spring into my mind. First: he might well have been unable to express his frustration or annoyance to the other child. My DD was bitten at nursery by another child because she sang too loudly. The DC who bit did not feel able to move away, tell a member of staff or ask dd to quieten down. So immaturity led him to bite and I know perfectly well he was a nice child. It didn’t define him and he was perfectly ok in DDs class at school afterwards. Just wasn’t able to cope with DDs singing at age 3.

Vocabulary - yes he can be made to say sorry. Will he really put the words and yesterday’s behaviour together? Not sure. The nursery should work on this with him and no, don’t speak to the parent. No need.

I agree.

When you said this the first thing that occurred to me that maybe he was trying to communicate with the child and got impatient when he got no response. Not acceptable obviously but it might have seemed logical to him to give the other boy a little shove. (Retired Early Years teacher)

Thanks everyone.

Thanks also for this because I actually did consider the same. It would be totally normal for him to seek out and play with someone who was left out or seemed sad. That would be very within character, or even to hug someone. I wondered (wishful thinking probably) that he might have tried to go over to him and then got pushed away or got frustrated. Who knows. It is hard when you aren't there.

I do think to a certain extent I am projecting adult thoughts and emotions on to a 3 year old. Which I accept is not correct or rational.

We have done some breathing and counting exercises together tonight. I tried to make a game of it. And I have ordered the Colour Monster book. Thanks everyone for talking some sense back in to me.

I'd not worries for now. If it becomes often with this child or children in generally I'd worry, but not once. Maybe the child provoked him? "Are you still a baby, because babies wet their pants..." ?

I work in a preschool and I’d definitely say to not get involved.
Staff even the best can at times miss out as to what may have triggered such a response, it could have been that he’d got hurt or reacted to this little ones behaviour or seen others behaving so. Enjoy your time with your son, he clearly has excellent parents for role models.

How was Nursery today @Gray67

OP, he’s three. As much as you centre kindness in your family (which is no bad thing), a three year old isn’t capable of comprehending the concept of kindness as we understand it – you are expecting adult level coherence from an incapable developmental age.

What is developmentally normal for a three year old is centering themselves in their own world, deregulating when overwhelmed with strong emotions and pushing the boundaries of what they can and can’t control.

Being disappointed in him is useless. This is parenting – from now until they enter adult. Each incident is a learning curve for you and for him. Teach appropriately and consistently across time.

He’s 3. You need to relax. Remind him hitting and kicking is wrong. Let nursary deal with it. Stop overthinking. Listen to you DH.

Hi everyone, I followed all your advice. I didn't keep going over and over it, the next morning I just was really cheery and focused on having a good day today and did mention being kind. Thankfully no further incident today and teachers said he was completely normal again. In the bath tonight he told me he cuddled the boy and they are big friends again.

I am really grateful for all the support and great advice. Thank you all so much!

And you are right. The truth is up to now I have really been doing the easy bit haven't I. That really dawned on me. When kids are very small and mostly at home of course they are kind and sweet, and the hard bit is trying to slowly let them off into the world and accept that there are definitely going to be ups and downs along the way.

I feel better prepared for next time ❤

I have twins, which I’d advise anyone observes if they want to see the true horribleness of toddlers 🤣

@Gray67 I would have thought it a bit odd if another dc had cuddled my dc at nursery. I find this “be kind” mantra confusing for dc. Just let them play and be aware upsets happen! These dc are not the finished product. Cuddling is a bit of an act. Playing cooperatively is better in my view.

Thanks. I agree, although just to clarify I did not suggest that he cuddle him! They all seem to cuddle each other a lot - it seems to be a bit of a thing in that class. Although I admit when he said I gave him a cuddle I did also worry for a second that that too could have been the wrong thing. Appreciate your point.

As a rule whatever happens at nursery stays at nursery. They have already dealt with it. I am surprised they told you the child’s name. Normally it is child hit their friend or one of our friends hit us

@Gray67 I didn’t mean to imply you did. Just another point of view really. I do think dc need simplified easy to understand messages and I’m not sure where cuddles come from! Is it new parenting? My dc just had a Teddy bear at night.

I was told the name of who bit DD years ago but agree, maybe I should not have been.