Experiences of having a second baby with around a four-year age gap

[ladybird30]

We're thinking of trying for our second baby and I just wanted some lived experiences of other Mum's with 2 with a similar age gap.

The age gap between the 2 would be 4 years or so. I'm both really excited and slightly terrified!

I don't have a 4 year age gap between mine, but there are 4 years between me and my older sister and we were inseparable growing up. She was older enough than me to be like a guide to me, always teaching me new things, including me in stuff and looking after me.

I think age gaps are really relative to the home, the family and the individual children involved. I made a thread similar to this a while back and what I got from it was that you have to really facilitate the relationship between the two children with an age gap (though I don't think 4 years is really anything to worry about).

Good luck!

It's a great gap. You are usually on mat leave for the reception year of the older one so you get to help settle them in. Your older one can articulate themselves and help you and dress themselves and go to the loo on their own!

@worldshottestmom Yes, me and my brother are 5 years apart and we have been and still are very close, he's like my best friend to be honest! I think that's why we've waited a bit longer to try, me & OH both have loved experience a similar age gap between siblings and it seems to work nicely

@Allswellthatendswelll That was our feeling about it all. I think I'd cope better with our DS being that little bit older

Yeah its a really nice gap tbh! I think you've done the right thing by waiting, I think you'll be able to be more attentive to each of their age-specific needs this way. Less than 2 years between my two and while they have a lovely close bond, I do feel at times I wasnt/am not able to give enough attention to each of them as they need.

For instance, I was always so busy with DD when she was born, that I felt my DS who was 1y 9mo at the time didnt get as much attention as he required. I still played with him loads and gave him plenty of affection, but I think at that tender age having the focus on just them is so much better. And with your older one being 4ish when your second will be born, they'll be at that more independent age where this won't be much of an issue.

Exciting times ahead for you! Enjoy it all x

We have 3.5 years. Not our choice. However, it was easy peasy lemon squeezy and the second born was the more difficult baby/toddler.

They were close from day 1 except the teenage years and ve close now. Far more so than those with smaller gaps

There is 5 years (almost to the day) between mine and I think it’s ideal. I had a much easier time than friends with a smaller age gap. My 2nd got the ‘first baby’ experience as we could go to all the baby groups and go for coffee and do all the things i did with my first without a toddler in tow.

My mat leave corresponded with eldest’s first year of school so it meant I was home to do all the school runs and be really present for her that first year. Including during school holidays so we didn’t have to worry about holiday club or balancing childcare between us. She was also independent enough that she could get her own snack and drink or turn on the tv if I was busy with baby. Also meant we never had to pay for 2 in nursery at the same time.

There really were no downsides. Dh and I were well rested again by then, had a few nights away and some regular date nights, before the baby days returned. They do fight, they’re 8 & 13 now, but probably less than other siblings closer in age. I would plan it all exactly the same if I had to do it again. I think we had a fairly easy time doing it this way.

Perfect age gap imo. One off to school so you can get a kip during the day

Perfect for us. one big plus was that I was on mat leave during reception settling in. Older dd adores younger dd and they’ve always got on (odd bit of fighting as you’d expect!) and still enjoy sleeping over in each others rooms even though eldest is now almost 14.

The perfect age gap is the one you get. You can't completely control it, so you might as well embrace what you get.

We've got a 4 year 5 month gap and I wouldn't say that my two are besties. But I don't think they would be, even if the age gap was smaller. They are just quite different children and both are pretty picky about other people generally.

But instead of them being close, it is a bit more like having two only children. Because there are two parents, it allows for lots of quality one-to-one time. Both are great company for us parents.

I have a 2 year gap between mine which is nice in some ways (they're currently at 3 and 5 very close and play nicely together) but if I could go back and do it again I might go for a 4 year gap. I feel like I couldn't fully soak up my youngest as a baby and also missed out on enjoying my eldest's toddler years fully. Someone who doesn't enjoy the baby / toddler years would feel differently I guess, but I loved them and wish I could have focussed on each one a bit more. I feel like my eldest suffered a bit from the shock of her sibling's arrival at such a formative age and I can see how it's shaped her. I actually had some teacher training from an expert on attachment theory who said 4 years is the best gap for siblings as the eldest has finished their most intense period of neural development / attachment forming by then and isn't as impacted by the arrival of the sibling.

Almost 5 years between my DD and DS (not by choice) and I'm so happy it turned out this way. They are very close and I think a big part of that is the age gap. Currently, they are really enjoying playing Lego together and it's just lovely to watch.

I can comment from the perspective of being the middle of three siblings with a four year gap between each one of us. We are now in our 50s / 60s . We are just as close as everyone else I know is to their brother/ sister and we all get on well.
My mum found it ideal as when my sister came along I was attending nursery and subsequently school . I suppose we didn’t really play quite the same as children who are closer in age but we learnt from each other in a different way and the older one looked after the younger at school.

Mine have a 3.5 year gap and it’s great! I’d wanted a shorter gap but unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. It’s tough being pregnant with a toddler but the newborn stage was much easier than I anticipated, no jealousy, DC1 could go to the toilet independently, help herself to snacks and do stickers/play with toys alone while I was stuck BFing and she loved being helpful if I needed her to grab the baby wipes etc.

They’ve adored each other since day 1, obviously they bicker most days but they will play together really nicely at 9 and 5 still. I worry DC1 will get too cool for her little sister in the near future but for now it’s still lovely.

Four years between my younger sister & me, too.

I more or less ignored her when we were kids but we started getting on better when I left for university, and we’re very close as adults.

4 years and 4 months between my two. They squabble like any siblings but at 8 and 12 they're still friends and will do stuff together. I did worry a little as I have a girl and then younger boy with very different personalities but they have similar sense of humour and it makes me really happy to hear them laughing together. Although they are often plotting against me.
Eldest started reception when baby boy was 6 months old so I had a few months of sleepy baby when I could do stuff with my daughter with bf breaks. Then once she was at school and my son was more active we could do things together and he was always so excited to see her at school pick up time and she used to love giving him an update on her day.

There's 4.5 years between mine, and it was the best age gap for us. I'm really happy with the gap, being able to nap when DC2 was sleeping during the day was the only way I survived the sleepless nights the second time. They are much older now and they have a lovely bond - but this is entirely dependent on personalities in my honest opinion, not the age gap.

Our age gap is 3 years 11 months. I am a much better parent focusing on one child at a time so it's been perfect for us. I'm a sahm so I was able to give one to one attention to each child and they both had a busy schedule of baby and toddler activities where I could interact with them as an individual and not have to split my attention. Eldest was old enough for holiday camps so I could have one to one time with the baby in school holidays.
They play together very well and I love eavesdropping on their conversations!

It seems to be a more popular age gap now - 2 years was more common when I had dc1, but dc2 is 4 now and loads of her classmates are getting baby siblings.

I have 3 years 9 months age gap.
The good points were older DD out of the toddler stage, out of nappies, didn’t need carrying around while I was pregnant, could play independently for short periods and sleeping through at night. Also had older one in part time preschool so got some baby only time each day and she got out of the house and used up some energy. I was also still on maternity when she started reception so was around to support with that transition.

Downsides I guess are at times they have been less interested in playing with eachother, and the baby/toddler stage was longer for us as a family, I worked part time until the youngest was in reception so earnings were reduced for longer. Sometimes we have had to split up one parent to one child for activities like soft play because of different abilities.

They are 11 & 15 now and do get on well most of the time. I am hoping by the time they’re later teens the gap won’t feel like much at all

Forgot another one - we never paid for two sets of nursery fees at the same time

We have a 6 year age gap and it's amazing.
No jealousy, she understands everything and can help look after her brother. She's coming up to 8 and he's nearly 2 and they have he most amazing relationship. I know it wouldn't be that great for everyone, but I wouldn't want it any other way ☺️

5 years almost exactly between my two and whilst I'm only 6 months in it is working well.

I had two miscarriages with hyperemesis the year before my second arrived and my daughter being 4 and 1. being able to understand that I was poorly a needed rest and 2. The concentration for longer form TV and independence for playing by herself. During the first pregnancy we watched lots of the Olympics together and the second was in the run up to Christmas and we watched Christmas films whilst I left repeatedly to throw up.

My eldest is an August born so she was in school during the pregnancy and now baby is here. I have 6h a day where it's just me and baby for naps and feeding in front of the TV. I get to do baby groups without a toddler in tow. I have made some good friendships with the school mum's who are either SAHP or working part time. This has benefitted my eldest as it's easier to arrange play dates outside of school and her social skills have come on.

My 6m gets time just me and him whilst she is at school but the 5yo also gets me and her time as we can do things just the two of us when he's napping. We had a lovely day playing in the snow during the Christmas holiday. It would have been quite different if I had a 2 year old in tow.

I have a 4 year ha with mine.

pros - on may leave for start reception, means you get 1 on 1 time as well with baby. Old enough to trust in the same room for a couple of minutes while you grab something. Thinking ahead another pro is only one in university at a time if they both want to go.

cons - found the cons more as they got older - they were at different stages and the youngest would be annoying to the oldest when friends round, also I became a single parent and it meant keeping the youngest up a bit late sometimes to collect the older one from somewhere.

4.5 years,
Pros: they are 3 and 7 now. From 18months + it's been really brilliant and they have a great relationship. Eldest girl was really excited and engaged in the pregnancy and really loved her baby brother. Eldest was properly potty trained and pretty independent.

Cons: I found it very difficult emotionally to have a second baby, not sure thats an age thing.

Just remembered a con, from when baby was mobile, (5 months!) eldest toys with small parts went away. Lego, hamma beads she loved. She was doing some crafting up on a table though and there was little bits of paper he kept putting in his mouth.