Experiences of having a second baby with around a four-year age gap

[ladybird30]

We're thinking of trying for our second baby and I just wanted some lived experiences of other Mum's with 2 with a similar age gap.

The age gap between the 2 would be 4 years or so. I'm both really excited and slightly terrified!

DS is 4 years, 4 days younger than his older (twin) siblings.

With the eldest now off to uni, selfishly I am glad of the 4 year gap before the nest empties entirely. (also from financial aspect of not having all the kids at uni at once)

4yr 4months in my family between all children so 8yr 8month youngest to oldest.
Girl-boy-girl.

I was deeply resentful I had to start school and leave my Mum at home with the new baby. I still remember this.

Honestly none of us were close as kids.
The age gap meant we were at markedly different life stages. When I went to University/ started going to the pub etc. my brother was just choosing his GCSE equivalents and my sister was still in primary school.

Having three meant there was always two kids ganging up on one. Although who was getting left out did rotate.

As adults we get on really well. The two - one thing continues but is jovial these days and who is in the two really chops and changes with life stage, interests and other things. Generally we banter quite a lot and have shared friends. 4 yrs matters less when you are forty!

We’ve got a nearly 4 year gap between ours. I’d echo some of the upsides - the older one is just that bit more independent and so can help a little bit and it was really nice to be around for the first year of reception as I was on mat leave. They now get on pretty well and definitely laugh a lot together.

Downsides: the eldest remembers a time before their sibling and sometimes resents that they arrived; now one is a teenager the gap can seem bigger at times and the younger one has to hang out with us more as the older one is off exploring a bit of independence; I found everything so hard after the first one (hence the longer gap) but was ready for it for the second - that does mean I feel like the older one got the rougher end of the deal.

I follow someone called elena bridgers and she says 4 year ago gap is the default in hunter gatherer societies - I.e.g how humans have lived for most of our history. Sounds ideal in most ways.

We have a 5.8 year age gap and it’s been great.

Mine are 4years apart (minus two weeks).
planned that way so eldest was at school by the time I had youngest in full time nursery. Couldn’t have afforded two at nursery at same time.

I can’t say they were hugely close growing up. Ds1 had friend who was 3 years older than him and considered ds2 too young to be bothered with.

They fought sometimes, but of the type that when my Mum offered to take one shopping to get away from the other they’d look confused as to why time apart was being offered.

Both sweet lads, although different personalities. They’re now in their 20s and moved on, but stay connected via computer games.

There’s banter when we do all get together, but thought taken eg when buying presents for each other.

For me(and them) I’d say it worked fine.

@twoontheway I listened to an audiobook called sapiens. And he said much the same. How the agricultural Revolution was bad for individual humans, but good for increasing numbers, as babies could be born closer together when you're not on the move. And evolution is just a number game so it happened. I don't remember the 4 years mentioned but just bigger gaps.

I've just had my 2nd baby in November and my son was 4 and just started reception when she arrived. It's brilliant because we won't ever be paying two sets of nursery fees, my son so far is completely accepting of having a sibling, he does on her and is genuinely helpful. He loves being involved in doing her bath for example and gets excited when she learns new skills. Also the eldest has had the benefit of lots of parent time before youngest came along.

Con - 4 yo is very active and so I've ended up doing the majority of the baby care (still breastfeeding) whilst husband takes 4yo on adventures. Currently hard to find activities we can all do but this may improve.

Mine were intentionally five years apart and it was great. I was on mat leave just as the youngest was starting school, plenty of time with the baby when it arrived, they each had my undivided attention when they were small, childcare was manageable. Now they are older they all do stuff together independently of me, the boys go to football together, or they go out for meals. It’s great!

I've got a 4yr gap minus 6 weeks. Agree that when dd2 was born it was easier having a nearly 4 yr old. Dd2 is definitely an easier child and has been from the off. The age gap was mainly down to me just not being ready to do it all again as dd1 was a poor sleeper and it was tricky after her birth.

Now they are 12 and 8. They don't get on brilliantly at the moment as just at such different life stages. Dd2 ends up spending a lot of time with me. We have a lovely relationship and do lots together but dd1 just wants to do her own thing and is spreading her independence wings . I miss them being content to play together but also hope we will come out the other side when they are both older. Practically it's been a great age gap and I think they will be closer in years to come.