Am I doing this right? (Raising a 5yo boy)

[penguin816]

First and only child. I do lions share of parenting during the week as husband works long hours. It can’t be arranged any other way realistically as he earns way more than me in his industry than I could hope for, even though I’m well qualified. So I’ve cut back and do all picks ups and bedtimes etc.

We don’t have any other family so no other role models around apart from school (Year 1), clubs and mum and dad.

Our son is 5.5 summer born. Has struggled with Year 1, not enjoying school. Very energetic and just wants to run around. He can be silly - but he’s 5.

He’s got a bit of male pride going on I’ve noticed, even though my husband is not massively alpha and models talking about feelings and vulnerability etc. It could just be his age. DS struggles to admit if he’s feeling scared, sad etc or to apologise. Not sure how much is to be expected at this age.

We try to model good behaviour and respect and we are polite people but he’s not mastered the art of please and thank you fully yet (only 10% of the time really) and always seems to forget when it’s other people. He can make demands for things- which I’ve started clamping down on. I really worry that because I do majority of parenting, cooking, tidying up all week he will see me as a skivvy and we’re not helping his view of the world / genders to be egalitarian. I do encourage him to help and do tasks but nevertheless it’s me he sees doing all the house and home stuff.

He also doesn’t seem that empathetic yet. He recently said he didn’t want me to miss out on the swimming pool (one day when he went alone with his dad) which I thought was sweet but this was the first ever time I’ve heard him say anything about another persons feelings or point of view. He’s still not able to say sorry if, say, he hurts me by accident or similar.

As he’s my only child I worry that this should be natural by now. I have friends with girls (who all seem more mature) or boys either very different more chilled out or calmer temperaments so it’s hard not to compare. Our son is funny, silly and full of energy and wants to explore everything - exhausting basically! I think he’s got so much potential but I just want to make sure I’m setting him on the right path.

Any tips from mums with older boys?

Does DH do chores, bedtime etc at weekend?

yes he does bedtimes Fri-Sun although I’m trying to get him to be more proactive about it as he often needs reminding to run the bath etc and I end up attending / helping right up until DS is in bed and it’s story time, when DH finally takes over solo. I’d rather he took complete charge of the whole thing iyswim.
At weekends we share chores and obviously try to have down time so majority of things like laundry and tidying happen during the week.

I have a ds13 and a ds6. Alot of what you have said is normal. My 6 yo is wild!! The thing that resonates most is the not apologising if he hurts by accident. This is actually very typical and is because when they have done something by accident, they struggle to understand that they still did wrong even if unintentionally. Keep explaining this and he will get it pretty quickly. Keep going.

He can join Beavers soon (some areas have Squirrels which are 4 - 5), part of scouting group. Mixed sex, so gets to see girls and boys doing the same activities, sometimes crafts, sometimes more active. May have male leaders, so can be good role models

The saying and meaning it I would expect at 5. My 3 year old does this without prompting. Even though I do most of the day to day chores he doesn’t see me as a skivy. He helps, he does age appropriate chores and when DH is here he chips in without me needing to prompt him.
Maybe more age appropriate chores and a chat with your DH would help?

*saying sorry.

My son’s 6.5. He always says sorry when he does something wrong. If anything, I worry he apologises too profusely! He hates upsetting us.

I would be unhappy if please and thank yous were not absolutely down pat by the age my son is now (which, thankfully, they are). We are really quite strict by standards of modern parenting and my husband and I do bed time pretty equally (tho I do all drop offs and pick ups). We also share homework help pretty evenly.

I think it’s really important young boys see their fathers doing a reasonably fair share of household stuff. My husband also pulls our son up immediately if he is cheeky to me (and I do likewise for him).

Thank you for your thoughts. This is what I’m worried about. Why is it not fully down off pat now with please, thank you and basic manners? We do model this. I always remind him say, before a birthday party, to thank the parents for the cake / party bag but he rarely has. At home he almost never says thank you if given food or similar. I always say “thank you mummy” but it’s not happening.

So what’s your view about why your 3 year old says sorry and not my 5 year old?

Thanks this is a really good suggestion.

When you are at home you don't give or take away whatever it is until he says thank you. My ex and I would not respond to a request until there was a please. Sometimes they would ask three times before we would ask "what have you forgotten?" Which then prompted them to say please. We did this EVERY time. Didn't take them long to learn.

I’m not sure - if you model the behaviour and he hasn’t naturally caught it, perhaps a more direct approach? So he has to say please before you hand him his drink for example? Not sure about the sorry, but showing him you are upset if he accidentally hurts you and then Giving him a big hug when he does say sorry?
I'm sure you’re doing all this anyway. Have you had a chat with his teacher? What’s his empathy like in class and with his peers? Maybe it’s worth a chat.

@penguin816 I truly believe this is personality. My DH at 72 still deflects blame away from him. He victim blames too. I truly get the age difference but it makes me wonder if some people are just hard wired to look after no 1. He’s an only child and didn’t need to share or think about anyone else and his parents expected very little. They got very little! I can see you expect more and it will come! You don’t have to model everything. You don’t hand anything over without a please though and always remind a thank you. In the end dc who don’t think about this are a PITA. Other dc don’t seem to care but other parents notice! So just keep going but I live with a failure to parent and at times it’s very self centred. Make his centre other people where reasonable!

@OhDear111oh dear indeed- your post has got me feeling very worried - I absolutely do NOT want him turning out like the man you describe. How sad and awful. 😞 I’m panicking now.

My 2 yo son and 4 yo dd take their plates to bind after meals and put the cutlery and plates in dishwasher.

Both help put clothes into laundry and I put the liquid in the cup then they add it.

When we fold laundry we play a game where they have to use laundry baskets to catch it all. We do matching pairs on socks then I fold the rest while we watch octonauts or whatever

On please and thankyou I hold the item until they say thank you and don't get the item until they say please. If they say PUH LEASE!!!! I say you did not ask nicely so no snack/juice / whatever. You can try asking nicely later.

They tidy their toys (i will sometime help with them but do not do it for them) and are expected to look after their own things.
If they dont tidy when ask the object is removed (sometimes permanently)

Its not a male / female thing its a parenting expectations thing.

My kids live in our house, they so they help keep it nice

If i had reminded my 4 yo to say thank you for a party bag or prompted her when it was given and she didnt I can tell you for free the second we were off the premises it would be removed. And no amount of wailing would change that. Sometime kids need an uncomfortable lesson

@penguin816 don't panic. Model good behaviour. The chef is always thanked in this house! Get him doing small chores.

All because he is an only child does not mean he has to be spoilt

@penguin816 I’m so sorry! I’d not meant to upset you. I’ve often wondered why dh is like this though and your post made me think about it.

He’s not alone either. I know other men who are similar and not all are of the same vintage. That’s why I mused if it’s parenting or what? My nephew never thanked his grandma for Birthday and Christmas presents. His mum thought it was optional. I didn’t think so and his sisters managed it. So why does this happen? A constant dad in the house and not working long hours. Is it just not bothering or was this DS very resistant to doing the right thing? So looking after number one? Doing what he wants? I’m honestly not sure.

However keep trying and don’t give up. Make your expectations very clear and your DH agrees, so you both have reasonable expectations.

Im absolutely convinced not all dc are empathetic. My DD1 can be short on this. She’s got traits from her dad! You could look back into your families and see if other men are out for themselves first. Or do they put others first? I think being all out for yourself, in later life, leads to men having acquaintances and not close friends - they don’t bother to keep them! But, on a positive note, it’s not all men! I am aware of lovely men and believe my DD is marrying one. She’s keenly aware she doesn’t want one like her dad!

I have a 3 year old, I'd love to know what age appropriate chores they do? I struggle to figure out what they can/should help with

@JG24 Not much at 3!!! Probably putting toys away and not spilling food are most helpful!

Remember hes 5. Ime very young children lack empathy in areas you'd really hope to see it, and can also cry over a lonely pea on their plate.

I used to worry about my older DS a bit in a similarish way. He can be an absolute knob at times but emotionally hes very soulful and is such a gentle, mild character and very helpful without being asked. Id have never thought hed turn out like this considering he was a bit of a terror from about 2-7 years old 😂😂

One of the best things I did when my children were small was teach them the BSL sign for thank you.
Then, if they forgot a thank you - like when they leave the classroom at the end of school, I could sign it to them subtly and they would automatically say Thank you. It helped to embed it, and I didn’t have to spend all my time saying ‘say Thank you’ which always seemed to defeat the object!

I just want to add, that very normal from my experience. I have a DD in year 3, a few boys in her class really struggled with the transition into year one but now they're more settled and a lovely class. And, we can't chose her friends but one 'silly' friend has really matured.

Is school also encouraging please and thank you? Our son’s at an all boys prep and they’re extremely hot on this - so we at home and they are a two pronged force, as it were.

@Piglet89 I agree with this. It’s seen as old fashioned by many though and dc should choose whether they say thank you - or not! I’ve met boys from the big name boys boarding schools, and contrary to popular views, all have superb manners. DH - boys grammar school - didn’t read the script.

@OhDear111manners maketh the man. I know so many children who don’t say please and thank you consistently and I think it’s poor.

Now: we are lucky with our son in that he’s really compliant and (unlike how I was as a child) really laid back and not stubborn at all, by nature.

But if he were stubborn, we would have to adapt our style to ensure these things (which we regard as essential) happen. I was so naive before I had a kid: I didn’t realise how much repetitive effort goes into ensuring consistent please and thank yous!

And not apologising for something done wrong is a total hard red line for me. I’d be researching the shit out of that until I fixed it.