Am I doing this right? (Raising a 5yo boy)

[penguin816]

First and only child. I do lions share of parenting during the week as husband works long hours. It can’t be arranged any other way realistically as he earns way more than me in his industry than I could hope for, even though I’m well qualified. So I’ve cut back and do all picks ups and bedtimes etc.

We don’t have any other family so no other role models around apart from school (Year 1), clubs and mum and dad.

Our son is 5.5 summer born. Has struggled with Year 1, not enjoying school. Very energetic and just wants to run around. He can be silly - but he’s 5.

He’s got a bit of male pride going on I’ve noticed, even though my husband is not massively alpha and models talking about feelings and vulnerability etc. It could just be his age. DS struggles to admit if he’s feeling scared, sad etc or to apologise. Not sure how much is to be expected at this age.

We try to model good behaviour and respect and we are polite people but he’s not mastered the art of please and thank you fully yet (only 10% of the time really) and always seems to forget when it’s other people. He can make demands for things- which I’ve started clamping down on. I really worry that because I do majority of parenting, cooking, tidying up all week he will see me as a skivvy and we’re not helping his view of the world / genders to be egalitarian. I do encourage him to help and do tasks but nevertheless it’s me he sees doing all the house and home stuff.

He also doesn’t seem that empathetic yet. He recently said he didn’t want me to miss out on the swimming pool (one day when he went alone with his dad) which I thought was sweet but this was the first ever time I’ve heard him say anything about another persons feelings or point of view. He’s still not able to say sorry if, say, he hurts me by accident or similar.

As he’s my only child I worry that this should be natural by now. I have friends with girls (who all seem more mature) or boys either very different more chilled out or calmer temperaments so it’s hard not to compare. Our son is funny, silly and full of energy and wants to explore everything - exhausting basically! I think he’s got so much potential but I just want to make sure I’m setting him on the right path.

Any tips from mums with older boys?

As a mum of 4 and a preschool worker I just wanted to say the transition to year 1 was difficult for all of mine they go from play based learning in reception to having a lot more demands to sit and focus which doesn’t always suit every child and is a big change. It’s very exhausting for them!

in regards to the manners as previous posters have said it’s just repetition, refusing to hand over items without a please/thank you and correcting them for example if they say I want a snack I always correct with, please may I have a snack and wait for them to repeat before I action their request. You have to be consistent.

In regards to how other people are feeling - some children are just like that or are a bit slower to get their head round empathy and thinking of others but by year one I would have thought they should be showing it. Again good role modelling, talking about feelings, reading books about feelings and what to do in certain scenarios etc. Saying sorry is a big thing, he should be able to do this or at least offer a hug so apologise etc. do you mean you need to prompt him or he refuses even if prompted?

He’s very stubborn indeed and very single minded. So I guess it stops working when / if he feels backed into a corner or if it becomes a battle of wills. So repeating “say sorry” won’t get the desired outcome. I try to find other ways to remind him without it becoming a demand where he feels defensive.

He is also really silly but again I know he’s 5 so is this normal? Yesterday we were at his end of term sharing for his martial arts club and the teacher asked the children questions about the skills they’d learned e.g what do we call this skill? He answered silly nonsense responses and the other children were giggling at him (all girls) but the other children all answered sensibly themselves.

@penguin816this will be unpopular - but I wouldn’t shy from a battle of wills with a stubborn kid. Thankfully I don’t have one - but if a battle of wills was over an issue important enough (and saying please and thank you are, for me) then I would do everything I reasonably could to win that battle of wills.

I am the parent: I’m in charge.

@penguin816 I’ve come across lots of silly boys. They have their own sense of humour that’s often at odds with others but mums usually find it cute. I find it annoying but, to be fair, beyond the age of 5. Not saying that dc should be sensible but I’ve found girls infinitely more sensible! He likes being the centre of attention and making dc laugh, the class clown. Girls rarely take up this position. Of course they can settle down but they like the attention and know how to get it. You might just have to put up with that.

@OhDear111i don’t think that’s accurate actually. It’s a bit of a sweeping judgement based on the few snippets I’ve said. He’s not wanting to be the centre of attention all the time. He can be silly but that doesn’t necessarily mean attention seeking.

Ok. I don’t agree this is a helpful strategy.

@penguin816 Well what you described at the Marshall arts was silly and what else was it but attention seeking? Of course it is. You might not be willing to recognise it as such, but why not answer sensibly? When he’s 10 will you still be defending it? We’ve all seen DSs descend into being the class clown and I don’t think I’d want it. I thought what you said was quite a big deal and not a snippet. It would annoy me but I’m assuming you thought it was cute.

@penguin816- yes, I agree it’ll be very difficult for your to implement now because you haven’t done it from the start.

@OhDear111TBF to the OP, she asked whether we thought her son’s silly answering was “normal”. I think she’s worried about it. Your concluding she thought it was cute is an assumption - but it’s one which what she actually said doesn’t support at all.

@JG24 simple chores like put dirty washing in basket, help fill/empty washer/dryer.
Set the table , anything really; just say come and help me.

I think far more behaviour than we like to admit is learnt, and needs taught, not modelled. You don’t just show them, you have to make them - don’t give them the snack until they’ve said please/use the “what do you say” etc -at this age, you can still do that. I also think this is the case for empathy -you teach them that you say sorry and eventually they realise why they had to do it.

You don’t need to pussyfoot around behaviour, and I think many children find blunt language easier to deal with. Black and white words are easier than expecting them to magically infer it from watching others, or stupid meaningless phrases like “kind hands”.

He sounds exactly like my son. ADHD, ASD and PDA. He’s 8 now and still struggles with please, thank you and even saying goodbye/hello. His social ques aren’t good at all, which we support him with.

I mean apart from the neurodivergent children (and to be fair most of them also still apologise they just might not understand fully) at preschool if a child has hurt or upset another child we always support them to apologise, sometimes it may take them a while to calm down from the situation that provoked it but they always say sorry and check on their friend (we obviously don’t get into a back and forth but it’s always addressed) and I think that’s a huge part of learning empathy and starting to understand how others feel. If you not revisiting or talking about it how will he learn? For example kids argue over a toy, one snatches it, I would intervene, say we don’t snatch from friends, ask them to say sorry and give back the toy, then say instead of snatching next time why don’t we ask when your finished can you have a turn? As snatching has upset them/made them sad etc.