Failing twin mum - help me discipline my wild 6 year olds

[SendMeStrengthAndWine]

As the title says, I have six year old twins and they are absolutely wild. I try very hard to be patient but firm with them and I follow through with consequences. But they just do not GAF!! I am clearly doing something wrong.

Example 1:
I took them swimming, and they would not get out of the pool at the end of the session. We were supposed to be going for ice cream afterwards, and I told them that unless they got out of the water there would be no ice cream. They laughed and said they did not care. They did care - they cried and screamed all the way home when they realised they really wouldn't be getting ice cream. I know the punishment here needed to be more timely, because in the moment they didn't care, but I wasn't sure what else I could do? I can't pick them both up anymore, they're six and I have a bad back! It was all very embarrassing, and in the end a lifeguard had to come and tell them off. Mortifying that I can't control my own children. What can I do, in the moment, to make them listen to me?

Example 2:
One of them was getting frustrated with a game on her tablet and punched it. I tried sympathising - "you seem really frustrated with that, let me help you". I got close to her and she punched me. Physical aggression is fairly unusual, but happens a handful of times each week. There is no tolerance for violence so the tablet was taken away - "okay I'm going to take it away now, to keep everyone safe and make sure the tablet doesn't get broken". But the next day, the behaviour will be repeated - even with a warning that the tablet will be taken away. They just do not seem to learn. It's a constant battle and it's absolutely exhausting. Every single day, multiple times. The top shelf of my wardrobe is basically a quarantine zone for things I confiscate.

Example 3:
The fighting. Oh, God, the fighting! But they will not separate. I say, one of you have some quiet time in your room while the other comes to do some reading with me. But "it's not FAIR" - they insist that they can't be apart for a minute. They have to copy each other and have everything exactly the same, at all times. This is fine when I have another adult to help me, but I often don't (eg. school holidays). I really struggle to handle the fighting.

A few more details:

My husband and I make a great team and he is very supportive. They actually behave much better for him, even though he agrees that our parenting style is virtually the same. I can't work out why this is.

They are, by all accounts, impeccably behaved at school and are doing well with their learning. The teachers have no concerns about them at all. They go to a small school and are in the same class, as there is only one.

Although I used the tablet in an example, their screen time is very regulated!

I have worked with neurodiverse children in the past and am very familiar with SEN, and I have no reason to believe that they have additional needs of any sort. I acknowledge that I could be wrong, but I would be very, very surprised if this were the case!

It's the first type of scenario that bothers me the most. I really can't handle them in public, and we are always "that family" getting dirty looks because I can't control my children. I struggle knowing how to apply consequences in public, when there is not something to immediately remove for example. If there are two adults I can usually cope, but even then, it depends on who the second adult is. It makes me not want to take them anywhere, and I really thought by now that this wouldn't be such an issue.

Sorry this is so long. As you can tell, I needed to vent... and even more, I need some advice if you've got this far!
Thank you x

My Dd loves swimming and when little she also would not get out of the pool. One thing that did help was a countdiwn, we have 15 mins left, we have 10 mins, we have five minutes, etc, that way it didn't comes as a disappointment when time was up. I used this a lot, for soft play, outside play, even for playing in the bath at bath time, it seemed to make things easier by managing expectations, might be worth a try

It’s hard- you’re right to be consistent. A few tips- remove the tablet altogether. It’s unnecessary and causes drama. Don’t frame it as a punishment, it’s for their emotional health.
secondly, have an enforced quiet time EVERY time they’re at home after lunch. They go to bedrooms (if separate) and decompress. I suggest they read for 15 minutes and then play alone to make up the hour. It’s play therapy they don’t realise they need. They’ll learn to be self-starting, self-sufficient and independent. As well as give you 1 hr of peace. AND it’s calms them down and removes stress from their relationship. Hard to stay maybe, so incentivise with a mini Haribo packet or similar.

Regarding the swimming specifically, could be worth shopping around. Our pool has sessions and kicks everyone out after an hour! I mean it's annoying as everyone hits the changing rooms at the same time, but there's no arguing with an empty pool!

Divide and conquer. Whenever your DH is around, split up and take one child each. That will prevent the fighting, the rivalry and egging each other on. It will also give you a chance to develop a strong bond with each child as individuals. I know it’s not going to be practical all the time, but whenever it is, I would try it - at least for a while and see if it makes any difference.

Are they bright OP? Is their intelligence notably higher than other kids?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice because I am in the exact same boat and tearing my hair out most days. I too have 6 year old twins and really relate to the way you described their behaviour and them being lovely and well behaved at school etc. I also have 2 younger children who seem a bit more civilised so that's nice. But the behaviour of the older 2 (especially the fighting, the bloody fighting!) is incredibly infuriating, exhausting, tedious, annoying etc. I really don't think parenting is the problem here. I blame the kids 😂 I hope they grow out of it soon!

As a twin mum myself (mine are about to turn 18), all I can say is that you're doing a fabulous job! You're being consistent and following through with punishments... they will get it... eventually.
I think you're suffering with twin mum embarrassment... everything feels doubly worse, especially when people are staring at their behaviour (or so it feels)... to be honest they probably don't even notice.
Stay strong... keep doing what you're doing... I promise it will improve. Sending big hugs.

I think you’re doing the right thing but as en extra try and focus on rules, reminders of rules, and rewards for following. These could maybe be tokens or points that they save up for big ticket items - every time they are on track you reward them.
eg pool, we’ll be going out in five mins remember the rules and points might be on offer if they’re followed well!
but rewards are intermittent like a slot machine so only reward at random intervals

With discipline the number one thing is consistency, number two is never make threats you can’t carry out

I have grown up twins. We had the Director of child mental health in our twins club.

He told us to have a ladder of five consequences. The first must be something easy to implement multiple times a day - like one minute per year of age on the naughty step. It gives them time to calm down. Enforce it, if they move off early. If they persistently refuse, escalate to the next level. Next step is something enforceable once a day - like no ice cream. Then next, something removed in the week like not going to a birthday party…Obviously a two year old is not going to connect a punishment in a week’s time with a transgression right now. They have to be old enough to understand a week!

Never make an incredible threat, you won’t enforce like “No birthday presents next year!”

Spend half an hour in 1:1 time a day in an activity of their choice. In the evenings and weekends, DH looked after one twin, while I looked after the other. Every few weeks, we’d swap over.

Give three unsolicited hugs a day. If the child goes up to you and says “I love you mummy!” The natural response is to return the hug. That is not an unsolicited hug! Children need to go to the fridge of food (our love) and always know, when they open the fridge, there is food (love) for them. It’s the way to build securely attached and therefore popular children. If they go to the fridge, never knowing if there is going to be food or not, due to inconsistent parenting, children will be insecurely attached and anxious.

I also read “The Explosive Child” and found it very helpful. It’s not written about any specific SEN, although it does help with some SEN children. Basically, if you have to go out, and this is likely to spark off a big strop, give them the choice of the red or blue coat. That little bit of choice gives them some feeling of control, which defuses the real argument about going out. All children want their parents love and praise. Negative attention may be better than nothing but really, they want to succeed.

Yep, I thought this. I too really wouldn’t rule out neurodiversity.

Our youngest are 2 sets of twins at 2 and 5 plus singles in between and older...never had problems like your describing...pretty simple with all clear directions this is what's happening and how.
If we go to a shop none will ask for anything because they know sometimes we get thingsand sometimes we just need foods etc. playtime, swimming they know when mummy or daddy say we go in 5 minutes that's exactly what we do. Tablets,phones none for under 10s the rest up to 17 have limits. Bedtimes again everyone knows when we say you have 10minutes after supper is eaten that's all they have. Tantrums,kicking, screaming doesn't happen because the boundaries are there and makes outings and days pleasant. I guess part was learning from copying older kids and part from learning from us parents very young that this is what we do and how we do it

I have twin boys. I totally sympathise with the fighting aspect: it’s so exhausting! But as my boys grow (they are now 11), they become nicer and nicer. Their worst era was 1.5/2 years old - they used to literally tear chunks out of each others’ faces: it was horrific. I coped with it by setting VERY strong boundaries. They respond very well to that, it makes them know where they stand and to feel safe. They may not be perfect at home still, but whenever they visit friends I invariably am told how well mannered they are. Keep going, it definitely gets easier.

It's tough

And twins, phew

You're doing a great job

I'm aur eyiu do this, but they will need a LIT of exercise

Like 4 hours at the park, daily

It's basically like having a dog

*I'm sure you do this, but they will nee d a LOT of exercise

Etc

Damn android bug that's still not fixed!