At my whits end...

[PenguinLover24]

As the title says 😂😭 I am a mum to an almost two year old (2 in April) and I'm wondering how you honestly get them to listen? I feel like I've tried everything... Speaking calmly, explaining, showing, visuals etc and honestly nothing is working. I will admit I have a short fuse and low patience and I struggle with emotional regulation (I have ADHD) and I am honestly trying my best here. You read how you aren't supposed to shout at them or get angry ... I am doing everything I can not to but sometimes it happens when I'm at the end of my tether. I am so set on being the best mum I can be and will do anything I can to not be a mum who causes their child to have trauma / issues but it's so hard not to react. Today after an hour trying to get her to eat her lunch then an hour to go for a nap with her fighting me the whole way throwing things etc I snapped and shouted. Sometimes a short, loud, harsh snap actually gets her to listen (it's the only thing so far that does) but I know I shouldn't do that so what do I do?! Please be kind, from a burnt out mama 😭

no advice but toddlers are little devils. You have about 4/5 years left of this behaviour so not long to go 😅

do you work? Get your back to work for a nice break

If the toddler doesn’t want to eat, don’t make them. Unless she/he is dangerously underweight, why stress yourself out?

if they won’t nap, go for a drive.

Try not to have rigid rules or expectations, you may find you are not as frustrated

Iv learned the more they can sense that I want them to do something the more they resist

you don’t want to eat , ok I’ll put it away and ask again in 20 mins

sometimes me just saying “you don’t want it, ok” is enough for them to want it 😅

Stop trying to make it go how you perceive it needs to. If she doesn’t want to eat, don’t try and make her, pressure will make it worse. If she’s fighting a nap for that long it’s just not worth it. Take a step back and breathe. I know it’s easier said than done but you have to pick your battles with the little terrors.

Why do you think you will give her trauma??

Yes you're right. I don't know why I stress so much over every little thing.

You're completely right. I've stressed about every little thing from day one because it's different to what I've read etc. The only thing is the nap.. if she doesn't she gets 10x worse about 3pm onwards and I'm on my own until my husband is home at half 5 and I'm over the edge by then 😂

I'm not sure. By being a mum who struggles with emotional regulation? Shouting at her? I had some issues growing up and have had therapy etc because of it.

An hour trying to get her to eat lunch makes no sense? If she doesn’t want to eat then don’t worry, she will eat the next meal and she’s probably not hungry. Equally maybe naps need adjusting. It’s not fair to shout at a two year old. She’s scared,
that’s why she goes quiet. Do you want to parent with fear?

Like can you really not help shouting? If you were being filmed by a camera crew or had a mate round would you act the same way? If not, it is a choice to shout at your child and you have the choice not to do so as well. She’s not even two yet. Barely out of babyhood.

Just putting it out there that if you're ADHD then there's a good chance your DD is too and will be harder to parent than your average child!

I suppose I just panic thinking missing a meal isn't normal and she will be hungry. We've adjusted the nap to death with nothing left to try. Longer, shorter, different times, cutting all together. She doesn't go quiet she just does what I ask finally and is happy as she does it. Of course I don't want to parent out of fear this is exactly why I've posted this thread, I think it's obvious I don't want to parent out of fear. So what do / did you do if your child just would not no matter what do as they were told? This is the advice I'm asking for.

Do you have a car? If so, just strap her in and drive, I did this every day for about a year!

Yes because I have ADHD and struggle a with emotional regulation, and quick knee jerk reactions. I understand she's young, but does that mean you just let them away with everything you ask them to do and they refuse? This is what I'm asking what do you do in this situation so I don't end up shouting.

I know 😭

We did this when she was a baby! Now she just goes mental in the car crying.

I understand. It is so hard when you have an idea in your head of how things are “supposed “ to be.

You may have heard this before, but remember your toddler has not read the same books as you and doesn’t know how they are supposed to behave.

Definitely pick your battles and lower your expectations of how they should be behaving.

Are you able to get some time to yourself? I found this stage challenging and found it hugely beneficial to get myself out for a walk run gym (whatever works for you) in the evenings. It’s not selfish to need a bit of time to yourself.

Some sort of exercise/movement also helps to get things into perspective.

Or pop your toddler in a buggy and pound the streets for a bit.

If it's natural things such as naps and eating don't force it you're only going to stress yourself out. For other things, not listening ask once and if she doesn't listen remove it / her from the situation don't keep repeating yourself and they'll learn.

and if for example not putting shoes on I would say well I can help you put them on and the reason why we need to put them on, very firm confident voice and follow through with it. I've got a 7 and 4 year old and it's always worked well x

OP I found 18 months to 2.5 the hardest as my DD just would not listen either, and the tantrums drained the life out of me. I came from a shouty household and was determined not to parent like that, but out it came anyway and then I’d be flogging myself in misery convinced I’d ruined DD’s life.

She’s 4 in a few days. 3 has been a breeze really. I’ve gone from being convinced she was ND (I have autism on my side of the family, DH is severely dyslexic) to not suspecting it at all anymore. Yes she has her moments where she’s infuriatingly stubborn, and it still takes ages to leave the damn house sometimes, but the tantrums are few and far between and very short lived. I enjoy her company now, we have so much fun together - we’re going on a little city break this weekend just me and her, flying there - if you’d have told me when she was about to turn 2 that I’d be taking her on a flight, to a foreign city, without DH I’d have looked at you like you were stark raving mad.

Hang in there. It is so so hard but brighter days will come ✨

You write a list of things in priority order from 10 out of 10 dangerous (stop her touching a naked flame, stop her running into the road) to 0 out of 10 (wearing odd socks) doesn't matter at all.

You do whatever it takes to ignore everything below a certain level - probably about a 7.

Not eating is 2 out of 10 - it could matter if she becomes undernourished, but probably doesn't and is not urgent enough to warrant shouting.

Shouting is not actually necessary as strict voices work just as well, but it is not uncommon for parents to shout to stop someone doing a 10 out of 10 dangerous activity.

Also practise a low headteacher voice instead of shouting.

I found around the 2 year mark with my youngest really hard. She hated sleep at this point and I felt so burnt out- it gets better.
She’s two and half now and understands when I explain things a lot more and can communicate with me better.
I echo others, don’t make her eat if she doesn’t want to. Just offer it later. Mine are great eaters and I’m sure it’s because I add no emotion (openly) to what and when they eat but I never offer “snack food” always normal healthy food.
For the nap would she go in the pram. I still put my two and half year old in the pram with lullabies on when she needs a nap- otherwise at home she just wants to play.
They do

For meals, when it comes to toddlers, yes, it's completely normal for them to eat nothing or virtually nothing at some meals. Unless there are weight concerns, you really can let that one go. Offer her reasonably healthy, varied food at regular intervals and let her decide what and how much she eats from what's on offer.

For naps, what about the buggy? The weather is improving, and there's lots more to see than in a car seat, so might get less protest. We had stages where every single nap was in the buggy...

Do you do 'toddler's choice'? Basically, a choice of two or three options where both are acceptable to you and get the job done, but give her some element of agency. Apple or banana? Dress or shirt? Coat on first or shoes on first? It doesn't work on all of them, but many toddlers are at least more cooperative with this.

In terms of what I did to manage it, the only thing I can really remember is always trying to imagine: 1) that I was being watched, as I was always better at keeping my tone level in public 2) imagine how I knew I would feel after I shouted 3) remind myself that I am not my parents 4) it is my responsibility to keep her safe, and to make sure she knows she is loved - not to keep her happy all the time. So if she cries with fury because she’s been strapped into the car seat, that isn’t going to damage her more than the consequences of not strapping her in would etc etc.