At my whits end...

[PenguinLover24]

As the title says 😂😭 I am a mum to an almost two year old (2 in April) and I'm wondering how you honestly get them to listen? I feel like I've tried everything... Speaking calmly, explaining, showing, visuals etc and honestly nothing is working. I will admit I have a short fuse and low patience and I struggle with emotional regulation (I have ADHD) and I am honestly trying my best here. You read how you aren't supposed to shout at them or get angry ... I am doing everything I can not to but sometimes it happens when I'm at the end of my tether. I am so set on being the best mum I can be and will do anything I can to not be a mum who causes their child to have trauma / issues but it's so hard not to react. Today after an hour trying to get her to eat her lunch then an hour to go for a nap with her fighting me the whole way throwing things etc I snapped and shouted. Sometimes a short, loud, harsh snap actually gets her to listen (it's the only thing so far that does) but I know I shouldn't do that so what do I do?! Please be kind, from a burnt out mama 😭

Also you might want to investigate what is ADHD and what is learned parenting responses. If you had shouty parents, you may be more prone to shouting.

Guys 😭😭 thank you so much for these comments I honestly really appreciate them. I'm such a literal person I find it hard to sway away from what should be if you get what I mean. She's so intelligent and speaks so well I have to remind myself sometimes she might not understand what I mean as she looks and acts a lot older than what she is. She's never been a buggy sleeper always refused!

I don't get much time to myself at all. When my husband comes in it's all go dinner bath bed and I'm exhausted and exhausted even thinking of the next day 😂

She just kind of looks at me when I do this so I'm not sure if she gets it yet but I will definitely persevere!

Honestly I have the best intentions, I always have my whole life with anything I care about. I practice techniques etc but when the overwhelm comes I just can't seem to put it in place quick enough 😭

Stop telling her to do stuff and instead offer her two choices, e.g. "do you want a nap now or do you want to play with duplo?", "do you want lunch now or just a bit of banana?". The choices may well have natural consequences that you need to explain ("if you choose not to nap now, you will be tired later at the supermarket") but nonetheless she gets to choose.

She will be just as much of a control freak as you are wanting to be, because autism and ADHD are both "fun" like that, so give her some control.

Me too OP, I read all the books and the entire internet before I do anything/commit to anything/make any changes and then I was horrified I managed to go and give birth to someone who doesn’t act like she’s supposed to 😂 and then when I couldn’t read/practice/script my way out of it I would get so overwhelmed and often - eventually - shout.

I have a child who has no interest in food and doesn't like sleep. I do try to stay calm but these are two things that really test my cool.

Missing one meal isn't the end of the world. At that age my daughter was only just eating enough to drop the formula. Children don't regulate their appetite and intake per meal instead you need to look at food consumed over 2-3 days. At her worst my daughter stopped to one meal a weekend. It was excruciating! Give a sensible time frame for meals. If she hasn't touched it in 20 minutes sitting there for a hour is unlikely to change that. Stop do something quiet and make up a snack plate of easy to nibble on foods and keep it somewhere accessible. When she shows interest gets to her to sit and have a nibble. My daughters high chair converts into a small table and chairs. When we were struggling to get her to eat we found this much easier. She had free will over when to sit at the little table. Some times you have to step back and not let food become a battle ground. We did breakfast and evening meal at the table but if we were struggling with lunch we switched that to a more flexible meal at her pace.

Sleep is a more awkward one as the impact of missing is generally more pronounced. Although similar to the food. If there is no sign of sleep after 20 minutes stop and mix it up. Pram was usually the most reliable way of getting my daughter to sleep but also there were times when I didn't want to be walking. I'd try to get her to sleep in the house on those days and if that didn't work then try the pram or the car.

I had a shouty mum and I do try hard not to be that mum. There are times when my frustration gets the better of me. I was always living in fear of tipping my mum over the edge. I try to step away. If I feel I'm losing my cool I take myself away - go to the loo or to put the kettle on anything to give me 3 minutes for some deep breaths and youve got this. I think there has been 2 or 3 times that I have lost it and properly shouted and she is 5. I have felt mortified but made sure I've reflected on what has gone wrong for me to get into that dysregulated space and what I can do for it to not happen again. I really don't want it to become a pattern of behaviour and so far it hasn't.

Something that helps me (DS is 3.5y now) is to remind myself that the goal is to get through the difficult thing without shouting, not to get DS to co-operate with no fuss.

So if we were going to nursery at that age it would be getting shoes and coat on and getting strapped into the buggy with me staying calm.

I used to feel so overwhelmed because he would always end up having a screaming meltdown about something in the morning routine. I would feel on edge trying to avoid it and then like a big failure when it happened anyway.

When I switched my perspective to the goal being me staying (outwardly) calm, I was more able to manage when he lost it.

Also, the follow up to the toddler choice is choosing for them if they don't do it. So:

• Do you want to wear your red shoes or your blue shoes?
• Toddler chooses wellies - ok fine.
• Toddler says no I don't want to - OK, Mummy will choose for you. We'll have the red ones today. Most likely outcome is tantrum and you carry them to the buggy/car screaming. But the goal is to do it calmly.

I think it you address your own anxiety that would help. I don’t panic if my two year old missed a meal, I give her a healthy snack later maybe.

I do this but she just goes "yeah" so I think her understanding isn't quite there yet.

Thank you this is great! I walk away usually into the kitchen, she can still see me but she's very clingy to me just now and cries when I do this then the noise of the crying on top of everything else is just 🤯 I always hold myself accountable and apologise to her I just don't want to do it in the first place.

This is good! I also don't like to fail so me setting this up more for me to achieve might actually work 🤔 you might have cracked my brain 😂

Trust me I've tried. Medication, therapy, CBT you name it I've done it.

I think SayDoWhatNow has it nailed. She will scream sometimes, so let her. For preventing sensory overload caused by loud noises, I swear by Loop Switch earplugs to take the volume down.

I've heard of these! I struggle to keep things in my ear as I have a daith piercing so wondering if these would stay in 🤔

Loops are quite big. Another option is Crescendo musicians' earplugs, which come in all-or-nothing 20dB attenuation, but don't have a big plastic doughnut as a part of the structure.

If she's not quite getting the choices yet, it might help to demonstrate with another adult (or older child, if you have one handy). So hold out a banana and an apple, 'Daddy, apple or banana?' (Keep the language simple for now.) Daddy says 'apple, please' and reaches for or points at the apple, Daddy gets the apple. The gesture is important because she might not have words for all the choices. Then grab another apple and repeat with her.

How's her speech and her communication with gestures, facial expressions, etc. more generally?

Oh this is great thank you so much!! Her speech is amazing, facial expressions and gestures all good too I just don't think she gets it if there's too many words so this idea is fab!

Is this major change a "phase" at this age? "Terrible twos" sort of thing? She used to be so calm, level headed, would happily do as asked etc and for the last few weeks (last couple of days especially have been really bad) she's been whining and crying almost constantly. Every single thing I ask her to do is a complete fight and crying meltdown. Throwing books because she doesn't want that one, hitting me when I say no to something. She usually sleeps through the night but the last three nights she's been up crying multiple times and taking forever to re settle. She's refusing to feed herself and will only eat if we feed her. I'm wondering do I just do what she needs just now and feed her for example rather than fight it by encouraging her to do it herself (meltdown) because it's just temporary and she will go back to feeding herself? because up until now I've been persevering because I think if I do it for her it will create a bad habit and never end? I just feel like if I give in to everything this will create a bigger problem in the long run? So I don't know if I just roll with it because it's a phase and she'll go back to her usual self or I have to persevere with the meltdowns and not back down otherwise she'll think that's how to get out of doing things? Ugh 😭😂

Yeah I would just roll with it and try to keep things as calm, positive and consistent as possible. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Of course terrible twos are a thing!

'Terrible twos' certainly can come a bit early, but with a sudden change and her sleep also going to pieces, it's worth checking if there's something physically wrong. Could she have molars coming in? Or any sign of an ear infection or anything like that?