had an emergency hystorectomy, so can't have anymore children, anyone have any positive things to say about only children

[feelingalittleblue]

had to have an emergency hystrectomy when i had dd 1yo.

feel quite sad i won't be having anymore children, could do with hearing a few good things about only children, oh i hate the term only

thankyou so much, feeling less blue today, im going to book us a holiday. that will be something good to look forward to.

cat thanks so much for the link, im going to keep that on watch. and look at it when i feel sad.

thanks everyone

I just have the one DS - I've never had a problem with the term "only child" to be honest, though I guess I tend to say "we've just got the one". I suspect he'd find "solo flyer" a bit patronising, but then he's 14 which makes a big diference.

I do think it makes for a different relationship - I was one of 3 and a lot of the time "the children" were doing one thing, or had one set of rules, and "the adults" did things differently. That's never been the case with DS, though we are still the adults and get the final say on rules etc. But we tend to all do things together, or else do things independently, and we don't have that same distinction into separate groups, which makes us more like 3 individuals with relationships between us IYSWIM.

It has also meant that we can make choices on the basis of what suits DS (and me and DH) without having to worry about being "fair" - if there is money and time to do something, then we can make that choice without worrying about how anyone else will react.

We're certainly all very happy with this set-up, and I don't think DS has missed out on anything particularly by not having siblings - he has always been very involved with groups where he had to get on with different personalities, share, take turns etc, so he didn't miss out socially.

It may feel very different when it's not your own positive choice though - you maybe need to go through a grieving process for the children you thought you would have but now can't. Obviously that's not like losing a child or a pregnancy, as they were only "theoretical" children, but coming to terms with not having something which was part of how you saw your life progressing is a similar process. Once you've dealt with those feelings, I'm sure you'll be able to feel positive about the new pattern your life is taking.

DS is flying solo (sort of by choice, we only intended to have one child, but recurrent miscarriages before him mean that theres no way we would try again anyway), and I feel very positive about it.

Although DH and I both have siblings, neither of us had close relationships with them as children, and I have virtually no contact with my sib now, so I never get the companionship or support for parents arguement.

As a working parent, I also think that we have plenty of time in the evenings/weekends/holidays for DS that would be very limited if he had a sib. His cousins are not close in age at all (youngest is 9 years older), but I'm sure he'll have plenty of friends in the future.

Feelingalittleblue - I had a hysterectomy six weeks ago for early cancer. I have three children and feel very lucky for that but I still feel sad that I can't have any more even though I definitely wasn't planning on having any more. There was a tiny baby leaving the hospital just as they wheeled me in for the op and I was sobbing.

I think the emotional aspects of this surgery and the fact that the choice is taken away from you is enough to make anyone feel down, and it takes a long time to recover.

I second what everyone else has said on here that having one can be really postive. I know quite a few friends and family members that are only having one child, sometimes through choice, sometimes not, and they are all lovely positive vibrant well-rounded children. One of them goes on holiday with other families every year and they all do lots of stuff with other children and seem very happy.

Enjoy planning your holiday, I hope you feel better soon.

guad, your spot on if i had decided to have one it would be different, and easier to accept, however the choice has been taken from me.
how are you feeling now?
i was sore for quite sometime.
im feeling alot happier today, and am definatley going to book a holiday to give us something to look forward to.

although where? thats my question?

thanks you amis and cmo.
you probably do not realise just how much hearing everyones positive experiences has helped me

My niece is a singleton for reasons similar to yours. She is the most beautiful, sociable, well rounded little girl I have ever met.

My SIL has made sure that she has gone to toddler groups, play groups etc and she has tonnes of friends.

From a practical point of view it is cheaper to have one child. Very jealous of some of the amazing holidays they have gone on.

I'm feeling ok, thanks, I've been back to normal for a few weeks now. My youngest is 16 months so you can't exactly lie around, he is very lively!

Where would you like to go on holiday, somewhere hot?

Feelingalittleblue, agree with all the flying solo comments. We have DS and now that he is almost 4 we are getting loads of comments. He is enough for us is my usual response. I LOVE that I only have 1 child to look after (plus DH of course and that we can afford nice things for him, nice holidays, and run 2 cars. Good friend is an only child and the only thing she reckons she missed out on was playing board games (which we covered while at uni and still enjoy a game of monopoly and a vat of wine now and again). Re the sharing and taking turns - recommend a good playgroup/nursery to help with the socialisation - my DS is better than his cousins (age 5 and 3) who fight constantly over their toys!

feelingalittleblue - I am trying to begin to face the idea that dd might be an only child. I had always wanted 3 but at the moment having a number 2 is becoming increasingly unlikely. I have had a bad week of feeling it (my most ridiculous moment being sobbing in church because dh only got one yorkie bar and other fathers got more than 1 ).

I have read a few threads on MN about only children and they are always so positive (both from parents of those flying solo and those who fly solo themselves). I think if dd does remain flying solo it will always be a sadness in my life but MN does make me realise there are lots of positive factors. I guess its just coming to terms with that though and as someone else as said you need to take time to grieve for the child(ren) you won't have.

guad, im so glad your feeling ok.

just somewhere me dh and dd, nice sandy beach hot and nice food. ive started a thread on chat, but i might get more luck on hoildays i suppose.

Sicily - Giardini Naxos, Cefalu or Letojanni.

I am an only child and I would not swap it for the world. I have a very close relationship with my mother and never had to fight for attention as a child. I was also never really lonely as I learned to entertain myself. I have 2 children and watching them, I am not convinced that they are better off than I was.

I don't know what your budget is but last year we went to Periyali in Zakynthos Greece. It was fantastic - they have a lovely creche too if you fancy lazing by the pool in peace dd getting some socialisation . www.simpsontravel.com/Greece/accommodation.asp?ID=563

I'm an only child, my daughter will be an only child (almost certainly) my dad is an only child. I never wanted siblings, I enjoyed the company of other children, I also enjoyed being on my own. My daughter is sociable, loves nursery, has never been clingy, is independant, fiercely self sufficient.....Unless you have another child fairly quickly after your first one, let's face it, particularly during the childhood years and the huge difference in development and interests that even 1 yr can bring, they aren't really going to best friends anyway. I have cousins I never see and have diddley squat in common with. Where is it written that we have better relationships with people because of a bit of shared dna?? Your child will be fine flying solo, as they would have been fine with siblings......I'm sorry that your choices were taken away, but rest assured, your child won't suffer.xx

thanks so much everyone.

thanks for the link wb.
i was hoping to spend less than 1500 for all 3 of us. the less the better but i could go a bit higher for something really nice.
i do deserve a treat.

sorry i ahven;t read the rest of the thread only the op.

my nephew is an only chld and he is a lovely kind thoughtful 16 year old now, whteher that ahs to do with the fact his parents have bene able to devote tiem and atetntion to only the one child and be able to be around to take care of whatever he wants or not i'm not sure.

i knwo they ahve never spolied him, he appreciates what he ahs and he knows his parents work hard to provide for him. i have to say he is proabbly the nicest teenager i ahve ever met.

hes certianly far betetr behaved than my three!

he is an only child through lack of choice as well, they were told they could enver have children but he came along and they did try for a long time after but no other child has ever been conceived.

I'd love to go to Sicily, I've never been there or Greece or much of the Med at all really.

I bookmarked a gorgeous looking hotel that someone recommended on mnet in the Aeolian Islands near Sicily. Hang on, here

I don't know the exchange rate to work out much those rooms are, or if they'd be in your budget with flights but it looks lovely doesn't it? The photos along the top look amazing.

We are staying in a house near the sea in Cornwall this summer. I'm really lokking forward to it, I need a holiday too I think.

that looks lovely, wonder how much the flights would cost?

I have an only child too, and not through choice.

Although I would have loved to have another one, I see people with their two children, and note how much harder it is and think that maybe it's not so bad having just the one after all.

And while I obviously know you must be able to love all children equally I'm not sure you can love them all the same, iyswim?

I have a sister and she is clearly the favourite. At least my ds will never grow up thinking that we have a favourite, as he is the only.

I'm an only child and wouldn'd have had it any other way.

Not a problem honestly....

Just make sure baby doesnt miss out on seeing friends when they can, parties, school, after school activities and they'll be pleased to come home to their own room, their own toys, parents who only have eyes for them!!!

haven't read whole thread but i have been ttc a second forever and it is sinking in that it might not happen. on the plus side dd is 4.5 and really good company i have got my life back. we are all getting alot more sleep. i feel i have a lovely relationship with dd and am glad i managed to have her.

take care.

DS is an 'enfant unique' as they say in france....but as we only ever intended to have one, I don't feel that my experience is of much help to anyone who is coming to terms with wanting more - to me that seems much more of an issue than anything associated with a one-child family.

People spout the most ridiculous nonsense and generalisations about 'only children' - that's an ongoing bug bear, but if you are concerned about the stereotypes bandied thoughtlessly about, take heart that in RL things will be as nature and nurture decree. DS was actuallt much better, at an earlier age, at sharing and taking turns than most of his friends - I simply taught him how to take turns and that waiting a few seconds or minutes wouldn't be the end of the world. As someone else said, all eldest children are lone children at toddler stage, anyway!! People put all sorts of things down to only-child status...but nver do the reverse.

IMO and so far IME experience there are no actual issues around a child having no siblings that wouldn't have a flip side in a bigger family. It's just a different family - though i do feel for people who cannot choose to have the family they thought they would.

You are just as much a mother for having had your dd and no more, you are just as much a woman for having had an operation that saved your health as a Mummy.

both my parents were only children and I think they both rather enjoyed that fact. Just having their family to themselves. Although my mum ended up living with her cousins, I do think they both felt rather special.

If another child is a choice you would have liked, would adoption be a route you could go down.

I have a few friends with only childen, I think only children can get bad press (because they are spoilt or whatever) but that it is a historical tag they are labeled with much like middle child syndrome/baby of the family.

One thing to say though is that if you realy do want another child then there are options like adoption and fostering to consider.