How to set kind boundaries on son's girlfriend visiting our home

[user365241987]

Adult child recently returned home from travelling across Europe. Been away 6 months.
Has a longterm g/f who studies in the same town and lives in student house nearby. Both 20. We have a couple of younger kids and work.
G/f adores being at our house. I feel like now son back she will be here every day. I just need a bit of space sometimes and not constant company. How can I set a kind boundary of perhaps a couple of nights each week without her visiting. I worry I will damage relationship with our son but really want some family time with the younger ones without g/f here every single day.
DH is very laid back and doesn't need family time in the same way. Obviously don't want to alienate anyone but usually put my needs last to avoid upsetting anyone.

Tell your son exactly this...

You need to be clear. Say one or two nights a week or whatever your ideal is and stick to it

Can your son not stay around hers a couple of nights a week?

Agree with others. Say you need your own space. I will be venturing into this territory soon with my 18yo who recently has started a relationship with a girl around his age but they live in different regions so she's not local. I don't want her to be showing up lots though. I love my own company to relax at home with younger DC.

Echoing this. Easy breezy, calm conversation - son needs to tell her that you’ve said she can’t stay over everyday because of younger children and other commitments. Your son is the one inviting her so he will be the one to change the frequency.

Also he can stay at hers too during the week. So far DS has stayed last few weekends with his gf.

Of course you are entitled to set limits on house guests.
In practice you may find that DS spends the other nights at his GF’s place rather than having family time with you. Are you ok with that?

Son: Can Jess come round to stay please?
OP: Yeah of course, it would be lovely to see her, no more than 2 nights a week though please.

Or however many nights you’d like.

If he questions it, you’d just like there to be a boundary in place, its healthy for both of them and your whole household.

She does not sleep at ours but stays until 11ish. I just need a bit of down time.
She drives.

Do they have to be with the rest of the family when she comes round can't they just go in his room that's what my DS did. They didn't want to sit around with us all the time

You can absolutely set boundaries, everyday sounds like a lot.
I met my DH at that age and my welcome at the time meant I’ve always been happy to welcome my MIL into my space. Her tolerance over a few years has led to many decades of tolerance from me.
You need to be comfortable in your home but you are likely to only get back the welcome that you give.
It’s a balancing act.

11 is late, what time is she coming round at?

I have suggested that she comes for tea later in the week. I guess I am happy her to pop here and have dinner and stay for the evening until 10/11ish four evenings a week. It just entirely changes the dynamic having her here and I really love quality time with our younger ones who are growing up very quickly.

Four evenings a week is too much IMO

I couldn't have coped with Dds boyfriends being here 4 times a week till 11, you need to tell him he can go round to hers some nights and stick to it .

When you say you don't want to damage your relationship with your son. What you mean is you don't want to tell him no, it is your house you don't have to be uncomfortable in it because your son is selfish,

At what time does she become family tho?

He needs his own place.

Do they not just go off to his room together? DS first GF was here loads when she was a student. I used to do dinner, then they would clear up and DH and I would go off to the sitting room and they would go to his room. Sometimes we did play a board game it watch a film but was not often.

But it didn’t bother me and we were always very much open house. DH and I both grew up in houses where our parents hardly ever allowed friends over though.

4 evenings a week is way too much...

Just tell your son he cant be here under your feet all the time dinner 2 times a week occasionally 3 is what's appropriate.

If they just want a place to chill let them hang out at the weekend when you are out and about or tell him to spend time up in room with her.

Surely your adult son can have guests whenever he wants without asking for your permission? I'd be leaving home if my partner wasn't allowed around freely (including staying over) at that age. Maybe that's what OP wants?

I don't really understand "family time" that excludes one child and their partner.

This.

I thought it was just me!

At 20 years old?!?!

I do understand this. However I am finding the intensity of DSG here all the time a lot. During the day if she is not studying as I WFH. If there is a 'guest' for tea, I do feel pressure to do things a little nicer. Which is becoming everyday. I feel like I cannot be myself all the time as I'm making DSG welcome, taking an interest in her life/day (which she needs). And she does like to involve herself in everything.
I guess I am in the transition of having an adult child who I don't want to damage relationship with. So was just asking for advice on how to navigate. It might become clearer once DS is into a rhythm of work or whatever he does next.

I do want her to feel welcome and for my son to know she is. However I guess even as a teen/young adult, I would also be mindful of not intruding into someone else's space and understand people need their own time sometimes.

But equally why is he not spending time at her place? It is always at OP's house.

Having one person in a relationship does change the dynamic for the younger children who probably would like to spend time with their older sibling without their girlfriend also being there. Why is it weird to want to spend time as the original family together?

As for having anyone they want over, yes but it is common courtesy to ask and understand that constantly having your parent provide a dinner every night for another person is a bit fucking rude. I think 3 nights a week would be fine, agreed in advance so the OP can make sure there is enough food.

My sister has 2 adult children in their mid twenties still living at home. Both of them are in long term relationships. They spend a lot of time together as a group of 6 but also carve out time for the original 4. The eldest has been with the same girlfriend since secondary school. Having her round, and she is beloved by all of us, changed the dynamic for the younger sibling. It just isn't the same. What the OP is asking for isn't extreme.

This is a helpful perspective for me. I remember the intensity of being deeply in love. For the DSG though, her family situation is different to ours, so there is also a deep desire to be part of every aspect of our family life.
As a parent to the others, I just sometimes need the space to parent without her feeding in to every discussion such as the kids getting homework done or whether they should be going up for their bath etc. She is often trying to be supportive, but I end up feeling like there is no space for me to just parent the little ones.