How to set kind boundaries on son's girlfriend visiting our home

[user365241987]

Adult child recently returned home from travelling across Europe. Been away 6 months.
Has a longterm g/f who studies in the same town and lives in student house nearby. Both 20. We have a couple of younger kids and work.
G/f adores being at our house. I feel like now son back she will be here every day. I just need a bit of space sometimes and not constant company. How can I set a kind boundary of perhaps a couple of nights each week without her visiting. I worry I will damage relationship with our son but really want some family time with the younger ones without g/f here every single day.
DH is very laid back and doesn't need family time in the same way. Obviously don't want to alienate anyone but usually put my needs last to avoid upsetting anyone.

Maybe stop with the guest stuff?

You're mixing messages, being all welcoming to her face, but resenting her presence.

I would stay somewhere I felt welcomed. I'd also think I was family if I was a serious girlfriend.

Stop involving her in those conversations.

If she's from an abusive family, she won't have good boundaries. Teach her some?

This is the thing that I am struggling most with. If I ask son or another child a question she kind of answers for them. I don't really know how to make this adjustment without causing hurt or seeming very rude.

I think this is something to convey to your son. That it is just a bit too much and the commenting on what the younger children are doing is overstepping. She needs to understand boundaries.

I would write it down so you know exactly what you are going to say. My nephew's girlfriend knows she is loved but that family time is important to her boyfriend's family. Her home life dynamic is loving but very sedate whereas my sister's house is more lively so she likes that. She isn't being shunned or snubbed, she gets it. She can imagine how this will play out in later years when she has her own family, she would want to spend time with her husband and children without anyone else being there.

I've started writing this message and couple of times, trying to be sensitive but actually I'm just going to say it as I see it - STOP being 'KIND' ! You're not being kind you're being soft and allowing another person to invade your family and in the short, medium and long term getting yourself enmeshed.Just stop

Coming around when your DS is there of an evening, staying in his room, or another room away fom the rest of the family, sharing the occasional meal is fine. But from the sound of it - she's moved in bar sleeping there overnight. Inserting herself into your family - this is not on.
So my suggestions

Head your DH off at the pass - explain to him you want her there less and also want his backup even if it just to say when questioned by your DS "It's what your Mum wants and so that's what will happen"

Explain to DS that she seems to becoming a permanant fixture in the home and this isn't on. She's welcome 2 evenings a week and she leaves by 9pm. And not at all during the day - you're WFH and you need time with your other children when they come home from school, alone, just immediate family.

Next time she butts in when you're talking to anyone else - say "I wasn't talking to you". Yes it's abrupt but she is being rude and breaking commonplace politeness boundaries.

This is all going to put you on edge but you need to do this work to get your home back. As I say she's moved in bar the toothbrush, which will be the next step I wager good money on. She's already established a pattern of behaviour so there will be discomfort in breaking that cycle. Pain for you, your DS and her. But it needs to happen to defend yous home, your safe place.

Time to put on those big girl knickers User

When/if she signs a marriage certificate? Girlfriends and boyfriends aren't family, and certainly not to each others relatives.

No one is obligated to have guests in their house.

Seem very rude- do it - -once or twice should be enough -I was a person who always chipped in thinking I had helpful comments to make -I would have been embarrassed at being ticked off but otherwise I wouldn’t have twigged it was annoying. You need to be firm.
its teaching the young ones disrespect for your views

What would you say?
Eg 'I was just asking X'?
I have been brought up to always be polite and put others needs above own, so I find this kind of thing quite difficult. I struggle with the uncomfortableness of it, but otherwise would be feeling uncomfortable that none of my kids can answer 🫣.

If there is a 'guest' for tea, I do feel pressure to do things a little nicer.
You don't need to be doing dinner for her.

I completely understand your point, it is different having her there as she is 'guest' rather than your family. You should speak to your son, and agree a maximum amount of time per week. Surely they want to go out and have fun anyway, and he can go to her student house.

Absolutely this, and I would add a caution because it’s possible she’s a covert narcissist who do tend to get themselves well in with the family when they realise there might be something in there for them, ie money! They tend to play the long game and they might seem very nice and polite and friendly and that’s how they insert themselves in your family, and then later their real side comes out, but their victim, your son in this case, is in too deep to realise what’s happened and the victim ends up defending the narc against his family. You need to be firm with your husband so you are both singing from the same hymn sheet, put in the boundaries now.

Definitely not a narcissist, just incredibly keen to be part of a more stable family unit. I also don't want her to become too dependent on me or DH and the security of our family, in case they don't stay together. So trying to tread a line of being friendly and kind. Definitely not seeking money from us as has no need for that. Will try some of these suggestions. Thank you.

My ds met his gf when he was away at uni. She often comes to stay. I like her but she is very ‘in your face’ a few days is fine but after a week I felt overwhelmed. On one visit I had to ask him when gf would be going home and said “I just want my home back”. He understood perfectly and she went a couple of days later. Recent visits have been fine (and shorter).
Sometimes honesty is the best medicine.

"Anna, I know you mean to be helpful, but I actually asked Chris what he wanted for tea. Please can you give Chris the time to answer?"

"Chris, I know you're excited to be back and to be able to see more of Anna and we all like her company. I'm just finding it a bit much having a visitor 4 nights a week. I'm tired after work and sometimes I just need to relax without a guest here. Do you think you could spend an evening or two at Anna's, or go out on a date if you still want to see her on those nights?"

Clear boundaries are not unkind. They actually help people feel more, not less secure when they understand where they are with you. There's nothing worse than finding out that someone who was always nice to you actually didn't like you at all. Or you transgressed in some way that made them dislike you, but didn't realise because they never said anything.

She sounds like bad news and should not be sticking herself into your family.

• Comes from a problematic family
• Has no sense of boundaries or appropriateness
• Acting like an equal adult in the family

You absolutely need stronger boundaries particularly as you have younger children at home.

Tell her evenings are for family time. Stop having her at dinner.

I think you can be welcoming but also not want her there much. OP could say something like “Lovely to see you today dear, why don’t you come over for lunch on Sunday”. (Ie not dinner every day!)

Many people would not consider a girlfriend let alone your child’s girlfriend as family.

Yes that’s what my friend (a parent of a 19 year old) thought too, and by the time they were married (2 years later) the now wife tried to cut his parents out, they now only have low contact with son (monthly), just be cautious is all I’m advising. I hope for your sake that I’m wrong. Friend didn’t put in boundaries at the start, and when she tried to put in boundaries, 6 months later, sons girlfriend had already got her feet under the table and even had friends DH backing up the gf when friend tried to put in boundaries! I know both sides as my son is best friends with friends son, and even my son thought something was off from the beginning, but didn’t say anything even after friends son was married, because he didn’t want to be cut out like friends son had done with other friends that spoke up. Just be on your guard, please.

Thanks everyone, some very helpful advice from you all. I put in a couple of very gentle boundaries such as:
On saying goodbye, at this point saying she should come for tea later in the week/at the weekend.

Left it a little, then my son checked when she could next come for dinner. This led to a fantastic conversation where I shared how lovely it is to see her and that she's very welcome, but at his age his Dad and I did not see one another every day. He then shared how much pressure he feels and that he sometimes wants to do other things. We talked about how he might be able to put in some time with his mates for relaxing. He shared that he likes having time just with siblings sometimes too. So we agreed he will think about two evenings which we keep as family time. Then the other evenings she may come or he may pop out with her or he might do social stuff with friends. This felt positive all round. Was good to be able to listen to him.