How can I stop ex getting child if I die or become ill?

[W0rstfear]

My ex is not a safe person for my toddler to be around. Dc hasn't seen their dad in a couple of years and there's been no contact or requests for contact. Dc lives with me full time. Police and social services were involved initially due to my ex's criminal behaviour. Social services closed very quickly because I'd refused contact between dc and ex so there was no safeguarding role for them as I'd acted appropriately immediately. Police have investigated my ex but had to let him off on a technicality even though they and I know he's guilty of safeguarding offences involving children. Now this has concluded he's been in touch to say he'll be taking me to court to seek contact

I will obviously fight contact in family court etc and have sought legal advice but I'm wondering if anyone has been able to put something in place meaning their child wouldn't go to their ex if they became suddenly unwell or passed away?

I've been told I can make an expression of wishes in my will which would help the person I want to care for dc to argue it in court but this still feels very ... flimsy? I heard today about a lady who became suddenly unwell and her child was put into the care of her abusive ex by the trust as next of kin who then refused to give the child back when she was better. I'm terrified this could happen as my ex is a direct risk to my child and the thought of being kept from him like that is unbearable.

Is there anything I can do to strengthen my position to ensure dc continues to be protected from his dad in the event of something happening to me?

Hopeful bump

@W0rstfear I guess the first step in to see what is decided in court so you know where the land lies. Is he likely to get contact?

You would need to get his name taken off birth certificate via court and his legal rights to be absolved

which due to his behaviour might be possible

you need to put your wishes in your will and also who you want to look after your child

it would then go to court and your friend to prove that he was an unfit dad

He hasn't actually sought contact yet, just said he was "doing me a favour" by letting me know directly that he planned to.

I honestly have no idea, I was so sure he was going to be convicted that the fact he got off with it came very left field. I have little faith in family courts so I'm worried they'll look at supervised contact and my toddler often parrots out his address and where he goes to nursery which I do not want my ex knowing. There's no way I can see that anyone could stop my child from doing that randomly.

@Blondeshavemorefun I was told I'm not able to seek this out proactively and even if I did it was highly likely it would be declined as apparently this is reserved for the most extreme circumstances (don't really want to think about what those are). I've contacted a solicitor to draft a will so can make an expression in that but what if I'm just sick or unconscious in hospital? What then?

The fact there is safe guarding and offences (sexual I presume) involving kids , I’m sure would go a long way to make sure child wouldn’t live with him

I get your fear. I’m the same as I hope that I won’t die before mini blondes is 18

Is he on your child’s birth certificate?

Line up your alternatives, make sure they know all about the ex, and make sure they have a prove-able consistent relationship with your son. His needs will be put first, and someone he has a bond and a routine with will be in a strong position in comparison with someone he hasn’t met. Not guaranteed, but it’s a start.

Obviously along with the concerns about the ex being lodged along with the expression of wishes in your will.

@W0rstfear As someone who has unfortunately has had a great deal of experience with the family courts I also strongly share your lack of trust.
I would wait to see if he actually does take your to court re contact as he could well be just saying he will with no real intent.
Is he named on the birth certificate?

Yes he's named on the birth certificate. It was all happy families before police landed at our door and I had absolutely no idea he was capable of having this side to him. I can honestly say I will never be able to trust another man again, he had just compartmentalised it all so completely it still blows my mind. He finished off what he was doing and headed to his work like it was nothing when the police left. It actually really scared me how easy that seemed to be for him.

This is why my solicitor advised against not trying to get a prohibited steps order in place proactively incase it wasn't granted and then opened up an application for contact through that process. I'm a total worrier though and I'm really struggling with the idea that there's so little I can do to secure my child's welfare if something out of my control happened to me.

I also just keep thinking that if he'd been convicted he'd have to do therapeutic rehabilitative work and be monitored closely around the offending as it was particularly serious for an offence of that nature and was sustained and (I feel) very planned. So the fact none of that is in place is so scary, for my child but also for other kids he might come into contact with. So I feel like the risk of reoffending is actually higher than it would be if he'd been caught and convicted. I just don't know how I'm supposed to reconcile that.

It feels like an awful pressure to have to carry. It's bloody heavy.

@W0rstfear I suppose if the worst were to happen you'd have to trust the courts to make the right decision. Especially if it's clear cut that his offending makes him unsuitable for contact - then in that case he'd never get custody were something to happen to you.

I understand but he's got off without a conviction. So I guess my worry is whether the offending can be given the weight it should be given as he wasn't convicted?

Would he know if something happened to you?

I have drafted an expression of wishes that goes with my will to make it clear what I want and don’t want. And my executors are clear about it too.

He needs to have parental responsibility removed and you need a will stating who you would like to care for your child, I’d include a summary of why not her father so it’s to hand in emergency.

@W0rstfear That's where you need to firmly state your case in court. Having said that, I am aware that family courts do look to offer contact to both parents more often than they should, and unfortunately create situations in which ultimately a child is left vulnerable; we only have to look at cases in the media to lnow that to be the truth. I strongly feel there is a "father's rights at all costs" bias.
Can you offer evidence in court of police involvement at least?

@tutugogo Removing PR is by no means a simple process. That's why I would encourage unmarried mothers to think incredibly carefully before granting it to the child's father.

Removing parental responsibility (PR) from a father in the UK is an extremely rare legal step that requires a court order, as PR is considered a right of the child rather than just a right of the parent. The court will only terminate PR in exceptional circumstances, such as severe, proven, long-term abuse or neglect.
Evolve Family Law

It is important to understand that absence, lack of contact, or failure to pay child support are generally not sufficient grounds for a court to remove a father's parental responsibility.
Co-op Legal Services

Is he currently paying child maintenance? Would he be relieved to have that end with a step-parent adoption?

grasping at straws.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-moves-to-protect-children-from-abusive-parents-through-new-courts-and-tribunals-bill

The 'presumption' of parental contact has just ended, which might help with your worry. It's not a guarantee but does mean the court is not starting from that position.

I panicked about this for years so i understand where you're coming from. Make sure you put your wishes in your will and your DC have a good relationship with those people.
It also meant I've been incredibly healthy all these years to try and prevent anything happening to me.

I can say what police told me but I don't have any hard evidence of that.

I wrote down his admission but again I feel like that could be looked at as hearsay because its just coming from me. I don't think he cares about paying maintenance tbh I think he'll see it as proof he's a 'good' father and use it in his favour.

He wouldn't necessarily know if anything happened to me if, say I was ill or if something was foreseen. I think my main worry was if social services had to identify someone to look after my son in a crisis situation where i couldn't advocate and he was essentially unaccompanied who would they pick, if that makes sense. Because I'm guessing that usually in those cases it would be their other parent once the incapacitated parent and the child is identified? But obviously in my situation that's the worst person to contact.

It’s not a pleasant thought no - best I can do is have a good will and my wishes written down

thankfully I don’t have the same sexual safeguarding issues as you - but ex isn’t capable of looking after dd and neither would I want him to - and more to the point neither would dd like to live with ex

I think courts do take the wishes of the children in account as well but doesn’t help you as a toddler - where mini blondes is almost 9 so has a voice and an opinion

but let’s hope we both live till our children are adults

Tho Surely any safe guarding issues would be taken into consideration

I would be doubtful there's enough here to remove parental rights, especially as he was not convicted of anything. IME concerns have to be extreme for this to happen.

You can never have 100% guarantee about what would happen if something happened to you, as the court will decide that based on the circumstances then and there - there's no way to get a decision in advance.

The best thing you can do aside from expression of wishes is, as someone said up thread, to foster a close relationship with the person you want him to go to. In an ideal world that would be regular, consistent contact, possibly with overnights. Make sure he has a closer relationship to that person than his dad.

Something to think about is geographic location as courts may seek to minimise disruption to school, family relationships and friendships especially as your child gets older. You may want to consider moving close to your nominated person of you don't already live nearby.

Also you don't say how old your child is but bear in mind their views will be taken into account from quite a young age and will carry significant weight by the time they are 10ish.