How can I stop ex getting child if I die or become ill?

[W0rstfear]

My ex is not a safe person for my toddler to be around. Dc hasn't seen their dad in a couple of years and there's been no contact or requests for contact. Dc lives with me full time. Police and social services were involved initially due to my ex's criminal behaviour. Social services closed very quickly because I'd refused contact between dc and ex so there was no safeguarding role for them as I'd acted appropriately immediately. Police have investigated my ex but had to let him off on a technicality even though they and I know he's guilty of safeguarding offences involving children. Now this has concluded he's been in touch to say he'll be taking me to court to seek contact

I will obviously fight contact in family court etc and have sought legal advice but I'm wondering if anyone has been able to put something in place meaning their child wouldn't go to their ex if they became suddenly unwell or passed away?

I've been told I can make an expression of wishes in my will which would help the person I want to care for dc to argue it in court but this still feels very ... flimsy? I heard today about a lady who became suddenly unwell and her child was put into the care of her abusive ex by the trust as next of kin who then refused to give the child back when she was better. I'm terrified this could happen as my ex is a direct risk to my child and the thought of being kept from him like that is unbearable.

Is there anything I can do to strengthen my position to ensure dc continues to be protected from his dad in the event of something happening to me?

He wouldn’t have had to be convicted to be held unsuitable to look after a child. And SW obviously know about the allegation(s). And the dc don't see him. So, honestly, I’d stop worrying.

@Blondeshavemorefun But if your ex went to court and asked for contact you'd need very strong evidence as to why this should be denied.

@Ophir The biggest problem would be that allegations are just that - allegations. They have to be proved. As obviously allegations can be false.
I am not saying that is necessarily reasonable, but that's how the family courts work.

Just reiterating building a relationship with the person you would want your DC to go to. Put them on the pick up list from nursery/school, so you have an evidence trail. Who's your next of kin/ICE contact, make sure they know.

A good family lawyer should guide you?, I would encourage you to do as much as you can to safeguard DC and then try and let go and stop worrying about it, easier said than done I know but remember it's very unlikely to happen.

For sickness you need to have the person you want to have your child as next of kin. They need to be contacted before social services/instead of.

there was a woman in my DV survivors support group who was in hiding from her ex, think they actually had a court order for only supervised contact although I may be misremembering that. He found her and beat her so bad she was hospitalised. Social services put the child who had witnessed this with the dad.

I feel the same as you op. We just have to make sure we make it to our child’s 18th. I hear a judge will listen to a 10/11 year old child so possibly if we make it that long the family court will protect the kids. I’ve also left all my assists to the person I want to have my kids for them to use fighting for kids if they have to. Nothing left in trust for kids so no financial gain in ex winning them- which in my case I think will be what decides my ex

But they would trigger social work involvement, and it would be unlikely they’d place a child there.

and the standard of proof is lower in civil proceedings

@Ophir Even if SS were/are nvolved, and/or the police, allegations still must be substantiated if they are to be considered the family courts.
Have you had any experience of CAFCASS at all?

The only 'trigger' would be whilst criminal proceedings were ongoing. When he was found to be not guilty, social services would no longer be involved.

Innocent until proven guilty. Not because mum has a bad feeling, or even because the police 'know he did it'.

Sorry to say, if you die or suffer serious illness your child will almost certainly go to their dad. And quite rightly too as he's not been convicted of anything.

This just isn’t correct

Not all concerns about child welfare require to be supported by a criminal conviction

I used to work in child protection

Well I currently work in social services, and if we stopped all kids seeing a parent when the other parent has made an unproven allegations, hardly anyone would have 2 parents anymore.

We don’t even know who made the accusation

My friend was worried about this (no where near as serious tho). And luckily her DC is now 18.

I agree that it’s helpful to will all your assets to the person you want to have your DC - leave nothing for the DC. If the dad knows all they’ll have is the costs of the kids and no money then hopefully that might focus their mind.

Also make sure your person is listed as next of kin with the GP or any hospital you attend so that they call them if they ever have to. And outside of an emergency situation you’d obviously hand over you DC to them first. Best thing would be to make sure the Dad doesn’t find out you’re ill/ in hospital. In case of emergency it could be handy to have their details on your fridge in the situation where an ambulance came to take you (if you were unconscious). Ambulance people are trained to look for a DNR on the fridge so hopefully they’d see your info about your next of kin.

It's not exactly an unfounded accusation. The police came to me because they had been tracking my exes interactions online with a group of paedophiles. But they couldn't get enough hard evidence off the technology they had a warrant for to be able to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt outside of just the network usage. Therefore he wasn't convicted. I made a statement when he admitted it was all true but obviously that could be looked at as he said she said if he lied about it later. Which he now has every motivation to.

I totally understand needing to ensure parental alienation isn't happening maliciously but this can't just go into the ether because he is absolutely guilty.

It wasn't an accusation it was police monitoring illegal images online and tracking it via networks to our home.

Contact yes

living And caring for them 24/7 no

Unlike criminal courts where allegations have to be proven beyond reasonable doubt, the family courts work on the basis of balance of probability. Here it sounds like the concerns were more than just op's say-so as the police were seriously exploring a conviction, suggesting might be enough to make a judgement that he committed the acts on balance of probability, which is enough for family courts to remove access despite no criminal conviction (but not necessarily terminate parental rights, that's a separate issue). But obviously it's a big "it depends".

Yes, I was just meaning that this isn’t a case where it’s just allegations between parents.

I feel for you, must be horrible

I really think you do not need to worry about sw putting your dc to live with him in these circumstances