When to have second baby

[stripe25]

My LO is 5 months old and my DH and I are in our mid 30s. We purposely waited until now to be able to do things child free and to get a bit more set up in life before having kids. I know we aren’t ‘old’ parents but I am aware the older I get the harder it will be to conceive, and pregnancy/ postpartum can be hard on my body.

We’d love to have a second child if we are able to, I’m not sure we’d have a third but three would be the maximum we’d ever try for. With all of this I have been thinking about when would be the best time to start trying for a baby. I know some people who have a 3/4 year age gap and absolutely love it. I think the earliest we’d try would be around 18 months after LO was born. My thought process was if you have them closer together do you get through the really rough sleepless phase quicker with the both of them, or do you get through that phase by the time they’re 3/4 and then start all over again with the newborn phase.. I’m aware every age will bring new challenges!!

What is your experience on age gaps and the pros/cons? Would love to hear all of your advice!

My age gap is 3 years. I see pros and cons to both. You're right that you are used to the being up. Our logic was that we didnt want two that are completely reliant on us, but not to much of a gap. My son was potty trained, feeding himself etc which was the most important thing for me. But I see your logic. One of my best friends is due twins in June, just as her son turns 1....I think she is crazy. But she won't know any different I suppose.

I think 3 is the best age gap. They are so little (and extremely unreasonable) at 2. By 3, they're potty trained, at nursery full time etc etc.

But life is funny, it doesn't work the way we want it. I'd say start trying when you feel up to it.

There is just over 4 years between my DC. Pros are that you’ve gotten all of the tough stuff out the way like sleepless nights, potty training, weaning etc. The older one also understands a lot more about what is happening and (I found) that jealously as a result was a little less than some of my friends who had a smaller age gap. Cons are that you are just at the point of genuinely getting your life back and then your catapulted into the baby (and toddler!!) stage again which can feel like whiplash! As they get older it can also be harder to find activities that both kids mutually want to do.

I wouldn’t change the age gap for my DC, but I’ve seen friends experiences and I guess if I was to offer an opinion I’d probably say that around a 3 year age gap is the best.

I had mine at 36 and 40. There’s no denying it’s hard going back to the baby days, but I honestly don’t think I’d have had the energy for two toddlers together. I really enjoy the age gap. I went back to work for a good chunk and re established myself. You can reason with a four year old and they understand to be gentle with a baby, and can communicate their needs and wants. It was also lovely to be able to be around in that first year of school for all pick ups and drop offs. It comes down to what feels right for you and your family though. Good luck!

DH and I have 3 DC. They are aged 31, 21 and 19. B,B,G. Growing up DC1 was like an only child. I think 2&3 were too close in age. They didn't get on at all as children and I hated the comparison at school (DS2 was an average pupil but has ADHD, DD is academically gifted).
As adults, surprisingly, they're all very close. DC1&2 work together and completed the same apprenticeship. DC2&3 have a great relationship, socialise and visit each other regularly.
My point is, you can plan these things all you want, but life can have other ideas. The large age gap has, as adults, made far less of a difference than I'd have thought. The two close in age actively seemed to dislike each other (despite my best efforts), until they were well into their teens. I had imagined they'd be ready made friends.

I have 2 years 2 months between mine. Bloody hard work for the first 4-12 months. Now an absolute dream!

I have a 5y gap between my two, I had them at 32 and 37. We were aiming for a 4y gap but mother nature had other ideas and I had two miscarriages TTC the second time.
Waiting has worked for us, I had hyperemesis with both of my miscarriages and I got acutely unwell towards the end of my pregnancy with my son. We were able to explain about me being poorly and needing rest.
She's in school for 6h a day and I get to spend time in a baby bubble but baby is portable and we still get to do activities with my 5 yo.
I know a few people who had twins with their seconds. I had severe pnd with my first and she didn't sleep through the night reliably until 4 so we didn't want to go ahead until we felt we could cope with twins if needed.
Second time around the baby has been so much easier, my first had reflux and allergies and screamed for months. My second is much more of a chilled baby. I could have coped with two babies close together if they were like him but no way with two of my daughter.

I've got 2 years and a half years between my two. Had them when I was 33 and a couple months before 36.

It was the absolute minimum age gap I wanted to have. I wanted my first to ideally be potty trained and have a better understanding of what was going on and to be reasoned with. In the end she wasn't potty trained, but when we went on to attempt it a couple months later she instantly got it.
As for how only that 2 1/2 years, when in reality I wanted longer? Blasted baby rabies struck when my first was 17 months. All I could think about was having another. I have PCOS and it had taken a few years, a lot of weight loss, and then finally some Clomid to conceive her. I thought I would need the same again, but as it turns out, add a little Inositol to the mix helped me out more than I anticipated.

I knew 2 under 2 would kill me. Definitely wanted a bigger age gap. I think my ideal age gap would have been around 3-4 years, with the elder child going to school in that time. I won't lie though, an age gap of 2 1/2 years has been very nice. They get along great. They're mostly into the same things, and entertain each other. Neither of them know a life without the other.

I agree 2 year gap is hard at first but they get on so well after that.

We have 2.5 years and I’m glad our second was born before our eldest was 3! She’s become much more headstrong and awkward about things since turning 3 whereas at 2.5 she was still more flexible and listened better. She was potty trained as soon as she turned 2 though so we didn’t have to contend with that at the same time which I agree would have been hard. I wouldn’t have wanted too much less of a gap so I think for
us we lucked out and got the best gap for us.

I had mine at 37 and 39. A two year gap. There was one very tough year but all plain sailing once DC2 was about a year.
Two year gap was perfect imo and I would do it again. Close enough in age to entertain each other and enjoy the same things right up to teenagers.

I knew that if I left it too long I wouldn’t have a second. I really didn’t want to get used to sleeping again and then go back to the newborn stage.

I think there are pros and cons with short and long age gaps but havibg had DC in my late 30s I really would advise against ex taking too long to start trying again

2 years 2 months for us. DD1 was a dream as a two year old so I didn’t find her at a difficult age either. We were very fortunate she potty trained in 1 weekend with no bother and having DD2 around for this made no difference.
DD2 is only 9 months now but I’m very pleased with the gap so far.
I think it also really depends on personalities of the children too, and how the youngest is as a baby

Thanks so much for all of your advice and for sharing your experiences, so many things I hadn’t thought about so really helpful! I take my hat off to the friend who’ll be having twins when her DC is 1!!

How did all of you find it physically after having your second child? Was your recovery easier, harder or the same as with your first?

Oh gosh I have a friend who had twins when her eldest was 2 and I honestly don’t know how she did it. Nor your friend, superwomen!

I found recovery fine second time but had a straightforward birth with no interventions and no tearing so was set up for it to be super smooth really. Pregnancy was absolutely exhausting second time round though, I got bad PGP second time and also had severe sickness which meant my husband had to do most of the care for my eldest. But you just get on with it all really, motherhood toughens you up for sure!

There’s 2 years 2 months between my 2. They are best friends now they are adults. It’s lovely to see.

I have a 4 year gap. It meant dc1 went into school and had their thing while I was at home with dc2 and they each got solo time with me in the early years.

I can go slightly one better with my nan. For 2 whole weeks she had 3 under 1. It was quite the shock to her, as she was only expecting the one baby and got twins. It was the early 60s, and if Call the Midwife has taught me anything twins could, and did go undiagnosed back then. She knows it happened because the evidence was there, but she could not remember the first couple of years.

I can't compare the my two recoveries as my first was a regular vaginal birth, while my second turned into an emergency C-section. Though I will say that the C-section recovery was easier than expected. I was a lot more chilled about caring for a baby, and had to relax in other ways with my toddler.

My eldest DD was 8 when my second was born, so big age gap.
My second is 7 months old and I’m 12 weeks pregnant with number 3 🥲 there’ll be just under 14 months between them.
I’m 33, will be 34 by the time baby arrives.
3 was our absolute maximum so this is my last.

Bounced back after DC2 as it was a very easy birth in contrast to DC1's birth (which was hellish). Did a walk to the shops half an hour away when DC2 was 3 days old with baby in a wrap sling, felt fine. Three years and two months between my DC. It was the right gap for us.

Two years apart and I was almost 40 when the second was born. Physically I recovered quickly after a very easy birth, mentally so, so much easier than first time around.

If I could do it all again a six year age gap was amazing with my last two
I thoroughly recommend get them settled in at school then go again

Mine are just over 18 months apart. I found the 2nd harder to recover from but that was for other reasons I think. It was quite hard sleep wise, but good nap wise when the baby got to regular napping stage, as they coincided, which was lucky. I got time with the oldest for 18mo and with the youngest, as he and I were together when the oldest was ready for nursery. I really loved doing things with them both together too, and I think
it would have been harder with a bigger age gap.

We have 3.5 years between ours and for us it’s perfect. Like others have said - older one much more established as a little person and independent, can communicate really well so you can have proper conversations re the huge life change that’s coming, out of nappies, can do lots for themself, and is genuinely helpful when baby comes along. Our two have the most gorgeous relationship. She totally dotes on him. Also it was nice being off while she settled in school and good to not be doubling up on nursery fees.

Re recovery - totally dependent on birth experience. My second was loads easier but I lost 3 litres of blood through a PPH first time round, so they’re incomparable. I have found it a bit harder to shift the last few lbs of baby weight this time but as a plus have found BF easier. Good luck with your decision.

I have just over a three year gap and youngest is almost 6 months now. Pros are eldest was toilet trained, good communication, sleeping reasonably well, had some understanding of what's going on, and the big one for us, eligible for funded childcare from 3 (we're not in England). Cons... 3 has been a whirlwind emotionally. We did not have terrible 2s, but we definitely have had a threenager. Touch wood, starting to come out of it now. The first 3 months of DC2's life were tough to meet both their needs. Recovery wise, second was easier overall, but I'm more tired generally, my core strength is non existent and the baby weight is very difficult to shift this time. I'm hoping this changes as DC2 gets a bit bigger.