Is it okay for the mother to leave the home without the children?

[PeachViewer]

In need of some advice!!
little backstory:
Was with the kids dad for 7 years. Kids age are 3 and 1.
We split in December 25 and have been living together ever since but he’s mentally draining me. Constantly making nasty little comments about when I go out and see my friends especially males! He doesn’t want to become a weekend parent so Ive been thinking about becoming the weekend parent. He’s a brilliant dad just not a very good partner. I always have been the stay at home mum until recently before we split I had to go to work as he didn’t want to change his job and didn’t see the pit we was in. I was doing part time but have recently taken on full time, I absolutely love work! Right now it’s the only thing that getting me up in the morning. I have something called emotional unstable personality disorder. Which I’m having a lot of bad days where I can’t deal with the kids and I know I’d struggle and crumble like hell.
So I’m stuck on whether I should move out and leave the kids with him, see them every other week and weekend? Or, Do I quit work and become the stay at home mum again and kick him out for good?
Any advice would be appreciated!!

You need to both agree how to split childcare between you, or go to court if you can’t. 50/50 is a general starting point these days, would this not be an option? The best option is if both of you can work.

I think you have to think about what is best for your kids, how their needs will best be met. You can be the ‘weekend parent’ if you both think that is best for your kids, it’s less common for women to do that but no reason not to if it works for your family.

You don’t say why you can’t live separately, is it financial?

I have eupd and I know how damaging it can be to others. You need to be a significant part of your children's life but only you know what that looks like and what is realistic and best for them. If dad being the primary carer is whats best then thats ok. Ignore social norms and do whats in your children's best interests. But do maintain regular contact its important

How would you be able to be a SAHM and afford to buy your husband out of the house and afford a mortgage if you gave up work?

I think your proposal of moving out sounds sensible, would you both be able to afford keeping the house and getting another property to live in?

We have split childcare up. Currently we just rotate the weekends but both help out in the week. I try to leave the house on my weekends and he goes away for his weekend.

We are in a rented property and he’s currently on uc so he would get his rent paid.

I’d definitely still try and be a significant part, I was looking into somewhere close by so I can still come and visit easier.

I think ideally parents in this situation should do whatever is best for the kids.

Honestly, I love my DDs, but if DH and I were ever to divorce, they would benefit from him being the resident parent rather than me. I don’t think I’m a bad parent, but he is definitely better. He’s a better parent than most people I know. And I hope that if it were to happen, I’d have the sense to recognise it (it’s easy to say it now when we aren’t splitting up!)

There's a whole lot if options between being a SAHM and seeing your kids every other weekend. Presumably, if you both work now, the kids are in some kind of childcare, so there's no reason this couldn't continue when you live separately.

What's the current split in childcare now? Are there days when you pick up from nursery after work and do tea/bed, and days when he does? I'd start with as close as you can to what the kids are use to.

Why are your two options to be a stay at home mum or seeing your kids every other weekend?
there’s so much in between you could work towards.
you’ve been such a big part of your children’s lives and you’re ready to reduce it to every other weekend? That could be so very damaging for your children.

Could you aim for 50/50?
Your EUPD will be more manageable when you're not in a relationship where you feel criticised and put down, but then isolation and loneliness might exacerbate it too. It's a tricky situation for you to know what's right. If you could manage a flexible coparenting relationship that would be ideal.

There's a whole lot if options between being a SAHM and seeing your kids every other weekend.

this.

I strongly believe that parents need to do what’s best for their children. That might be the father being the primary carer, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But that still doesn’t mean that OP has to become the „weekend parent“ / a parent who exclusively sees their children every other weekend.

OP could do a weekly of bi-weekly dinner with their children (if co-parenting is good she could do that at the children‘s primary residence / the father’s house). Do school pickup, dinner, bring them to bed etc.
Gives the father a free evening and OP some extra time with her children.

weekends can also be extended. Friday evening (or afternoon / whenever school ends) to Sunday evening or even Monday morning.

I agree. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You could have them on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. UC would help with the childcare costs for the two days. Or maybe Sunday, Monday and Tuesday?

Working PT might be another option but if you’re enjoying work you might want to stay FT?

You do need to live separately and soon though, your relationship sounds quite toxic and can’t be doing you or the DC any good.

He doesn’t work. He’s currently taken on role of being the stay at home parent while I work.

currently I just help out in the evenings as I’m at work until 5 everyday. Dinners and bedtimes aren’t split on who does what or who does what night.

What else would you suggest. I’m out of the house in the week from 7/5 everyday. He does everything, the nursery runs, the doctors etc.

This is exactly why I’m thinking of staying close, so I can keep regular contact.

How would he cover the costs for him to be a SAHP once you’ve split?

I know, I don’t want the kids in this environment anymore. My family aren’t helping or wanting to understand my reasoning’s. So I’ve turnt to strangers to try and help me cus I physically feel stuck and don’t know what to do. I have nobody who would give a honest opinion.

He’s on uc and has applied for pip.

Have you considered that you would need to pay him child maintenance?

Also, how much support are you getting for your EUPD? Have you been offered therapy via GP?

It sounds sensible for you to rent somewhere nearby where you can have them to stay every other weekend and if he is agreeable you could go over there after work a couple of days a week to do dinner and bedtime with them. You will need to pay maintenance.

I’m not getting much support with my eupd. And yes I’ve considered that.

He’s is being reasonable, we have both said we don’t want the toxic co parenting.

my family are very much against it. Making me feel like I’m giving up on them and abandoning them when I just want them to have the best and happiest mum possible and right now I’m not that.