Am I too soft?

[BeCosyMauveCrab]

We were driving home from visiting my parents. My husband was already a bit overwhelmed, the kids were being plums, his mum had been nagging him. Mid journey (5 hours) our eldest (13 b) starts moaning, being mean to his bother. He gets warned, doesn’t listen, gets warned, doesn’t listen, looses his iPad. He then proceeds to blow his nose into his hand and wipe it on the back on my seat.

my husband got very angry. He pulled off the motor way, got son out of the car and shouted at him. Nothing abusive, just how it was unacceptable behaviour, he expected better, his attitude is not acceptable and it he wants to continue being driven places he needs to respect other people’s property (it’s also a new car!). Lots of finger wagging and gesturing, loud shouting for about 30 seconds.

I felt like my husband was over the top, but I’m in the middle of dealing with severe anxiety and I don’t know if it’s more that his shouting triggered me.

once back in the car, after 10 minutes husband reached back and squeezed sons hand, told him he loved him and asked if he was ready to behave. Son said yes and got his tablet back. My husband does tend to fly off the handle, but he connects after and repairs. Am I being too soft? Did he actually handle it pretty well?

DH handled it well. Sorry you were triggered but it’s called parenting 🙄

Wiping snot on the back of a seat. My 6 year old wouldn’t do that.

That is absolutely fucking disgusting.

It’s not that I think the punishment was wrong, it was the way he lost his temper and shouted at his son. I’m down for making him clean the car, loosing his device. That doesn’t bother me. It was the level of anger that didn’t feel controlled I think that I had the issue with. And for the record he is usually a great kid, helpful, polite, does chores without being asked. It was a poor choice.

No one is perfect and we all lose our cool sometimes. What your son did was disgusting and at his age he knew exactly what he was doing so I don’t blame your husband for his reaction.

The real green flag in this situation is that your husband was able to turn to your son after the incident and show him affection and not hold a grudge and carry it on.

Your son did very wrong, your husband reacted and then they both put it aside.

I think many people would lose their cool at that though.

And sometimes you do need to 'raise your voice' at your children when they do something as gross and as unacceptable as that. And he HAD received warnings and was refusing to listen.

You say yourself in your OP that your DH wasn't abusive.

TBH I don't think your DH did anything wrong.

I am pretty sure there are many parents who have 'lost their shit' while under pressure and raised their voice at their kids. Me included. We are only human after all.

Losing his rag will have had more impact and taught your DS that he can only push so far. You shouldn't end up reasoning with someone spitting. Teenagers, particulary boys need to know and respect boundaries - for their own sake as much as everyone elses.

Team husband. He handled it well. At 13 your DS knows what he did was disgusting, and your DH made it clear he is still loved.

Presumably you think it's never ok to lose your temper at someone, then? I don't agree that it's never ok to be angry and let a child know that you are angry.

Your husband is a star.
He taught your son a valuable life lesson . People get really pissed off if you disrespect them and their property.
What I really liked though is the way he reset things after doing the shouting. That's saying OK , you messed up. Take the shame, but we moved on. I disagree with posters who said take the I- pad off him. For me this would be the next step if he disrespects you by repeating the behaviour again.
Hats off to your husband. You are too soft and could learn a lot from him

You warned him twice, he then lost his device and still played up so your soft approach clearly didn’t work. Your DH did ok, so what if he shouted maybe your DS will listen from now on. It would of been far more dangerous for DH to carry on driving whilst someone is distracting him with their behaviour so he was right to pull over off the motorway and correct his behaviour

That is disgraceful behaviour.

Team husband here.

I think your husband was right. I would have been furious too. At 13yrs your son is old enough to know better, that is a disgusting thing to do and shows a lack of respect for your surroundings and I would have made him wash it off. It’s being too soft that produces bratty behaviour, your husband handled it well.

So basically, you’re team ‘gentle parenting’ 🙄 .. which means your dc will grow up thinking they can get away with any behaviour, will get a huge shock when they encounter anger in the real world, but more importantly will have no clue how to deal with anger or emotions when it happens. Your dh was absolutely spot on - and the most important thing he did, was reach out after a short time to ensure all was well, told ds he loved him, and gave him back his iPad, therefore showing there’s no grudge, anger has gone, and the punishment was over and done with. That is a very valuable life lesson right there. You need to learn to be more like your dh - gentle parenting is not teaching children anything.

Honestly i think it’s ok to lose temper with bloody awful behaviour like that.

It also needs to be highlighted to your kids as a safety issue. Them misbehaving in the car increases the risk of driver distraction and causing a crash. So your DH was absolutely right to pull over and deal with the situation there and then.

I've just googled Superior class parenting, nothing. Have you got a link? Is it a TikTok thing, or something you've coined to describe losing your temper and not being able to control your behaviour, yet expecting your child to be able to do just that.

I don’t think this is over the top for that sort of behaviour from a 13 year old. Honestly I think there’s been a lot of slack parenting up until now for a 13 year old to think purposely blowing his nose into his hand and wiping it on the car is remotely acceptable.