Am I too soft?

[BeCosyMauveCrab]

We were driving home from visiting my parents. My husband was already a bit overwhelmed, the kids were being plums, his mum had been nagging him. Mid journey (5 hours) our eldest (13 b) starts moaning, being mean to his bother. He gets warned, doesn’t listen, gets warned, doesn’t listen, looses his iPad. He then proceeds to blow his nose into his hand and wipe it on the back on my seat.

my husband got very angry. He pulled off the motor way, got son out of the car and shouted at him. Nothing abusive, just how it was unacceptable behaviour, he expected better, his attitude is not acceptable and it he wants to continue being driven places he needs to respect other people’s property (it’s also a new car!). Lots of finger wagging and gesturing, loud shouting for about 30 seconds.

I felt like my husband was over the top, but I’m in the middle of dealing with severe anxiety and I don’t know if it’s more that his shouting triggered me.

once back in the car, after 10 minutes husband reached back and squeezed sons hand, told him he loved him and asked if he was ready to behave. Son said yes and got his tablet back. My husband does tend to fly off the handle, but he connects after and repairs. Am I being too soft? Did he actually handle it pretty well?

Definitely think your husband dealt with it well. What he did was gross and he should know better at 13. Sometimes especially at this age they need a bollocking.

It was nice that he showed your son he was willing to move on afterwards, but I wouldn’t have given the iPad back so quickly.

I know how you feel though, anxiety can really cloud your judgement sometimes and I can be especially sensitive when mine is bad, especially with people shouting (even if it’s justified like this was). I hope feel better soon.

Teen kid can shampoo the entire upholstery for a stunt like that. Absolutely revolting.

yes you are way too soft - the behaviour you described for a 13 year old is so OTT that it needed an extreme response. I wonder if your husband has to do this because you dont discipline enough?

Your DH handled it perfectly.

That's absolutely gross what your son did and clearly some boundaries and behaviours haven't been taught in early childhood.

Yabu

He then proceeds to blow his nose into his hand and wipe it on the back on my seat.

This is OUTRAGEOUS behaviour.
Totally disrespectful amd purposefully vile.

My 4 Yr old knows not to do this / its unacceptable.

Your husband was far more restrained than I would be.

I am shocked you think his response was anything other than appropriate...
your husband handled it very well while driving....
The lack of actual consequence would be my only criticism.

where were you in all this?
When we drive, driver drives and passanger manages the kids.

Disgusting behaviour from a child of that age!
I’m with your husband on this.
Do you really think that blowing your nose and wiping it on a car seat is acceptable behaviour??

Disgusting behaviour from your son . Of course he had to be reprimanded. What would you have done about it ? Hope you made him clean it !

op, you are soft! Don’t worry I am too!!! :)

I'm team husband, and in fact I've pulled off to the side of the road to do exactly what he did.

Your son was behaving like an entitled jackass, and at thirteen it's important to show him exactly who is in charge and who he answers to or you'll have a world of pain over the next few years.

Your husband seems to understand this, but importantly he also understands the importance of reconnecting.

I agree with those saying son needs to clean the car and shouldn't have got the iPad back. Still team husband all the way though.

You need to develop a backbone.

Your son will be taller and stronger than you in no time. He needs to develop the habit of respect before that happens.

Out of interest, OP, what would you have done if you had been driving alone?

Yes and so is your DP if he gave the tablet back after ten minutes. Mine wouldn’t have got theirs back and would have been cleaning the whole car out when we got home.

i mean I am a fairly soft parent and I think he was actually on the fairly soft side himself

yiu are soft you are permissive and passive

He’s 13??? Sounds like something my DS would have done at about 3 and then yes I would have taken ipad away as a consequence but probably would have relented and given it back preschoolers are a pain on long journeys.

Nothing your DH did was wrong or OTT. If 13 isn’t a typo then I would have also added on cleaning the car inside and out when you get back and then and only then will the ipad be returned.

I wouldn't just have been saying it was unacceptable behaviour; I would have told him it was absolutely fucking disgusting behaviour and that I couldn't believe he would even think of doing that. My children are adults, but I can't ever imagine them doing something so vile because they were in a strop.

OP you don't actually sound that shocked that your child did it, whereas I think most people reading what you have written were thinking WTF!

This^

my 9 yo would have had an almighty bollocking and loss of iPad for this!

I hope having the car valeted comes from dc's picket money
. And be grateful your dh pulled over before he crashed the car.

Team DH. One of my 10 year old DD's threw a tissue at me earlier in a strop so I took her tablet off her. She'd been told to put it in the bin and didn't so she learned actions have consequences aka FAFO

@BeCosyMauveCrab and when you got home I hope you made him clean his snot off your seat. That's just repulsive behaviour and your husband dealt with it the way it needed to be dealt with.

That’s DISGUSTING. Team DH.

Yes, you are too soft. I'd have done the same as your husband.

Team DH.

What you.describe is called Superior class parenting. Look it up.

He handled it perfectly. Totally unacceptable behaviour.