4 month old baby - can’t cope anymore

[OverwhelmedMum967]

I’m so ashamed to be writing this, but I feel like I’ve reached breaking point with looking after my 4 month old baby. Every evening I get a sense of dread because I don’t know whether we’re going to have a good night or a night where baby refuses to sleep. I cope well with responding to his needs during the day but something about being up in the middle of the night just leaves me feeling totally overwhelmed. I follow the advice to put him down in a safe space and walk away if I need to, but I feel like that’s supposed to be an extreme circumstance not something I need to do 4 times a night.

I’m deeply ashamed to admit it, but if I’d realised how hard this was going to be and how little support I’d have I never would have considered having a baby. I come from a huge family, who have all been nowhere to be seen since the first 2 weeks of babies life. They were full of false promises when I was pregnant. I can’t even reach out to them about how I’m feeling because they’re full of advice that I’ve tried and didn’t work. My baby will not be put down for even 10 seconds without screaming. He won’t go in any kind of baby carrier. He won’t accept me holding him while sitting down. I spend my life standing up holding him on my shoulder and trying to ignore how much my arms and back ache. I’m fielding endless requests from family members to bring baby to visit them. My house is an absolute health hazard because I can’t get anything done, I’m so exhausted I almost crashed my car driving 5 minutes to the shops. But I’m supposed to pack up me and my baby and drive 1-2 hours to visit them because they can’t be bothered getting in their own cars and coming to me? And all the chores and dirty bottles and unwashed baby clothes would be waiting for me when I got back.

I’ve tried going to baby groups but they just make me feel like more of a failure when I see other mums and their settled babies. Trying to get anywhere on any kind of schedule feels like an extra stress I don’t need. I have a very supportive partner but he works long shifts, and he’s struggling with the lack of external support too. If I try and ask for support from the GP or health visitor I’m just going to be diagnosed with PND and offered antidepressants. I don’t think I’m depressed. I think I’m unsupported and in over my head. A pill can’t fix that.

I deeply love my son, but I just can’t do this anymore. I’m a total failure

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. It's really tough when they don't stop crying and night times are the hardest.

Have you spelled out to your family how much you are struggling? They might not know that you are sinking.

It's always worth going to the GP and speaking to HV. Have you asked for advice about the crying - there could be an underlying reason such as reflux or CMPA?

Also you are not a failure. Many, many of us have been where you are. You've not failed one bit.

Some babies are hard hard work and it sounds like you are (quite reasonably) struggling and need some help.

I don't just want to offer advice as I'm sure you have tried lots of things but what jumped out at me most was:

1. If you can get baby to tolerate a carrier you would feel more comfortable in the day. Do you have a local sling library where you can try different types of carriers, maybe there is one your baby will like more and my own personal tip is try to put it on while walking round and keep walking for 5 mins to see if you can lull baby into it.

1. Do you have a mum etc. or someone other than your partner you are close to who you can directly tell you are struggling and ask for help?

4 months is a really hard age and you may be surprised what another 8 weeks does!

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, OP. That sounds horrendous.

Have been to the GP for your baby? The level of crying you describe does sound unusual. I'm not surprised you're struggling to cope with it.

I'm sorry if I have missed this but where is babies Dad? My DH would step in on bad nights to give us both abit of sleep and DH did his fair share of cleaning/cooking/looking after DC so things ticked over.

Edited as I can see he works long shifts. Could this change temporarily?

Hello! If I could call you, I would, as lots to unpick, reassure and advice to help you. You’re not the first mother to feel the way you feel. You are not a failure, you’ve reached out for support, that’s good parenting. These feelings will not last forever, doesn’t mean they are set feelings that can’t change (they will), and yes, things get easier as baby grows (annoying advice from strangers ;)). There are strategies and routines that can help, however need a little more of a breakdown of your nighttime routine. What time do you settle baby? Where does baby sleep? What’s night time feeding routine? Is it just the 4 times baby wakes? Are you a single parent?

I would also call your HV. You’d be surprised by all the nuggets of info that can help you, it might just be 1 or 2 things that can help that make a difference. HV can also go through MH assessment (if you wish) so referrals for support.

and ignore the house. Long as you and baby are eating, clean and clean clothes, the rest can wait.

You’re not alone OP, though I’m sorry your family are being so useless!
Just wanted to check if you have tried sitting on a pregnancy/exercise ball while you hold the baby? I also wasn’t allowed to sit down with DC1, but being on a bouncy ball was acceptable apparently. It’s not particularly restful, but it uses slightly different muscles to standing up, so can be a break in that regard.

I also understand how a bad night feels 100x worse than a bad day. My DC2 was an easier baby than DC1 but I still had some nights that were so bad I actually felt scared. I was lucky I had DH around so sometimes I’d be in tears and beg him to take the baby for an hour or two.
It gets better, but please see if anyone can help you right now x

How often is baby waking at night?

1-3 times normal
4 more is a tricky baby but still quite normal
8/9 + sounds like something medical like reflux?

it’s so though OP if you have a challenging baby my first was. I was so envious of my mum friends with other calm babies.
my dc2 and 3 were better sleepers and nothing I did diffently.

i would speak to HV and GP you sound at breaking point

I completely get what your saying. I'm in a very similar position right now although my baby is a little younger. She won't be put down for a moment either and i just have to carry her around all day. Things feel like such hard work right now. I have to keep telling myself 'it won't last forever'(I hope!) I dread the evenings too and can't wait for her to be able to sleep through the night. Getting sleep makes everything much more bearable I think.
Just wanted you to know your not on your own. It makes me feel better knowing someone else is feeling like me too.

You need to be more assertive with your family.

Instead of saying the baby won't sleep, you need to tell them what you need of them.

"Hi mum/sister/brother/dad, I need someone to have the baby for 8 hours this week, when works for you?"

"Hi family, can I come to yours for lunch today as I'm exhausted."

"Hi guys, can someone come for a cuppa and watch the baby while I have a bath/shower?"

It is ok for you to be demanding right now. In the words of my grandmother, if you don't ask you don't get.

To them their suggestions might make sense in their heads as to why they would work, but if you know something else will work more, tell them.

agree with this, ask for what you need and try and drop the shame

can they come and watch baby while you sort the house for a bit

take baby out in his pram while you sleep?

i also agree with suggestions of reflux (also look up silent reflux) as that was my first thought. Milk thickener, raising head of cot and keeping baby upright etc are game changers and after a while will help a load, won’t be instant as baby’s throat etc will likely still be tender from the acid refluxed so far.
this post reminds me of when I had my first, my friends with babies had things like a clean kitchen and blow dried hair while I just felt and exhausted mess

youre not doing anything wrong at all, things will get better xx

I was exactly the same at 4 months. My back seized up one day after months of holding and bouncing the baby and DH had to take time off work as I couldn't move and baby was screaming.

Your story, exhaustion, everything, is more common than you think.

We hired a part time helper after that, someone to come round twice a week to do some cleaning and hold the baby for a few hours. Best money i ever spent.

I'm sorry op. I think the 12-16ish mark was the point where I sat in the dark crying that the they fried because they didn't love me and wanted to punish me. I think this is a really really hard period and I'm sorry you feel so alone

Long shifts or not, DH needs to step up. If he's doing long days is he doing fewer days? If he's doing long days and full weeks is there any money to pay for help?

If he lived alone he'd have to come in and cook and clean so therrs no reason he can't now

Sympathies, OP. The lack of sleep is really horrendous. It feels taboo to admit it, but I actually do understand how someone can snap and shake their baby, which is something I never thought I'd say before I had my crap sleeper. (For clarity - I have never hurt my baby and obviously it's not the baby's fault if they're distressed at night. But sleep deprivation literally drives you insane.)

Baby steps. Work on sitting down. My baby was the same - I spent endless hours pacing with her on my shoulder. But she got too heavy and I had to sit. She adapted. Your baby might grizzle and then settle quickly...or she might've escalate until you stand up again. Try again the next time she wakes. If it's too stressful, wait a couple of weeks then try again. This is what I did with mine. We've inched forwards in tiny increments.

I agree with splitting the nights so that you each take a "shift" or at least sharing them so that you get a couple of nights a week with a longer stretch. It makes it psychologically easier too, imo, because you sort of know what to expect. You can tell yourself, 'this is going to be a shit night', rather than desperately hoping for sleep and then being disappointed.

Also, find a fellow crap sleeper at playgroup!! This helped me so much. I hated talking about sleep with most mums, but it was kind of fun with my bad-sleep buddy.

Also: turn on the light!! Or have a little night light in the room, if you don't already. I've found it easy to lose my temper in the dark, but basically impossible once I can see my baby's face.

You are so not a failure. You’re just knackered and browbeaten by a baby who wants 24 hour attention.
God, I had one like this. Desperate and done in, I used to put him in the pram and walk solidly for eight hours to have some peace. Others around me drove round during the night with troublesome babies or strapped them on the top of washing machines on full spin. I hope that’s made you laugh.
Convince yourself it’s going to be a disturbed night so when it isn’t it’s such a bonus.
If up in the night listen to a podcast/ radio station so his frustrating demands appear minimised.
Ignore chores and the state of your house. Only clean the loo, hob and sinks until you have had a run of sleep-filled nights and recovered some energy. All else can wait. Everybody, trust me, has experienced this and understands it is part and parcel of parenthood.
Simplify meals to reduce prep and washing up - tray bakes and slow cooker recipes.
Put yourself first. You’re not unique or alone. You’re a normal mum who is being honest. You are not a failure and you WILL come out the other side.

You are not a failure OP. It is so so so fucking hard. I felt every word of your post in my soul because I felt exactly the same. The dread I had when it started to get dark and nighttime was approaching - I will never forget it. I can’t have any more children but even if I could I wouldn’t because I absolutely could not do that baby stage again. I wasn’t depressed either - I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed, full of guilt and anger and remorse, not enjoying being a mum to a small baby and mourning my old life. If you’d asked me back then if I wanted a “do-over” where I could go back in time and not get pregnant I would have bitten your hand off. I basically got through it by telling myself I will never have to do this again, e.g this will be the last time I have to deal with a 8 week old baby/10 week old baby/16 week old baby, this will be the last January I have a tiny baby etc etc over and over. I wouldn’t try to go to bed because doing that made me so anxious, I just stayed downstairs and dozed on the sofa here and there, not ideal but I got more sleep overall than I did when I was trying to go to bed!

It does get easier as they get older, I promise. Ignore the “just you wait” brigade who say babies are the easiest stage of parenting - I have never hated my life and everything in it more than I did when I had a newborn to slightly less newborn baby. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

My DD is about to turn 4. She and I are going on a “girls weekend” just the two of us in a few weekends time, flying to Amsterdam and staying in the Miffy hotel. I can’t wait. Yes she has her moments 😂 but mainly she’s a wonderful little person and I love her to bits. I’d go through that hell on earth again to have her - but only her. No more babies for me.

The evenings are getting lighter and the weather won’t be this gloomy and grey and wet forever. That will make it easier and with each day that passes your baby will be less of a baby and you are closer to things being better. ❤️

Don't be ashamed, lack of sleep is used as torture because it is. I can remember despairing in the early hours and considering putting my baby in the wardrobe to cry so I wouldn't have to hear her. I didn't and we somehow got through it. No suggestions but give yourself a break your feelings are completely understandable. Tell your family and friends no sorry the baby doesn't sleep and I'm not coping so well. They should understand as they are someone else they know will of been through what you are going through. It won't last forever. Can you co sleep and sleep when he sleeps?

I think that might be the nicest,most encouraging message I've ever read. Really lovely of you ❤️

Sorry no practical help but you are not alone.

I am just another poster who can commiserate and tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel.

again, ignore anyone saying ‘just you wait’. The baby part when you have a high needs baby is pure hell. I struggle to have anything positive to say about it. I am 2.8 years out the other side now and still frequently try to share how terrible it was.

unfortunately it seems that there are a lot out there who do not have the same experience. All my friends at the time, had babies they could walk out in a carrier or pram or put in a car etc.

Mine would not sleep in a car (only scream), never ever have they napped in a pram or pushchair, didn’t tolerate a carrier. No cot naps until much, much later. It was draining. I was so alone, no one I knew understood as their babies were all wonderful.

I also echo the bouncy ball for night waking instead of standing. We also had a baby who knew when you were sat down (unacceptable) but the ball did work.

My almost 3 year old is driving me insane today for very different reasons (full on longing, over tired tantrums, refusing to do things, wants me to watch everything they do, wants me to sit on the floor, ordering me about). I would take this 1000 times over having a screaming, miserable baby again!

Some babies are just trickier than others. It’s temperament, nothing you can change. You’re not doing anything wrong. It will get better. 4 months was the absolute hardest time for me!

Do you have a good sling? Baby wearing saved me. He wouldn’t go in a pram or baby seat. We got a Tula Explore and love it. We still use it now and he’s nearly 1. You can’t do everything with a baby in a sling but you can do a lot more than with a baby in your arms.

If baby isn’t sleeping well then try co sleeping. Best thing we ever did. My DH went in the spare room and baby and I coslept safely. DH would wake up early and take him from 5/6am before work to give me a few hours stretch of sleep alone. We also contact napped so I didn’t have any sleep battles in the day. I would just make a cuppa, stick on a series and rest.

Can you afford a cleaner once a week to help with the house? Can your partner do more house work?

It’s hard, OP. You are not alone. All of those mums at baby groups will be experiencing their own challenges and putting on a brave face.

Also, the sundown scaries are a common thing. Look it up. It helped me to know that so I didn’t feel alone.

I'm so sorry, one of mine was the same and he had multiple food allergies and silent reflux. I exclusively breast fed coz he didn't accept dairy free formula nor bottles or dummies. I felt insane!

So sorry to be annoying and say things you've tried again.

I would go to the Dr's and have them check for silent reflux and prescribe meds for it, not just gaviscon. Swap to formula for a break if you're not already formula feeding, put comfort milk/thickener in
See if you think it could be food allergies, can try cutting out dairy from your diet if you're bf or pay attention to any eczema or sore bottom if formula fed
Try calpol in case it's pain ?
Chat to HV or consider weaning early if he does have reflux. It saved me but HV and GPs weren't hysterical about waiting until 6mo back then

You could try and embrace an insomnia sleep schedule, if he is screaming the whole night then perhaps he can have a bath or you can both have one, go downstairs, make some food etc. Desperate measures

If finances allow scrimp and save for a mothers help or a cleaner
Or hello fresh meals
Have dh take the baby and you go and get your hair shampooed and styled

Some babies hate being babies :( xx

You are not the first woman to think they would not have had the baby had they known / nothing to be ashamed of - you have a hard baby and some are just like that

Ours was like this. It was undiagnosed cows milk protein allergy. Once I cut dairy and soya out of my diet, as I breastfed, she became a new and very chilled person almost overnight. I would suggest a trial even if it means eating beans on toast for two days to keep it simple. There’s nothing to lose.
we didn’t realise until she was 1. In the meantime we found things like Infacol helped a bit and at 4 months I could put her slightly upright in pushchair and she could just manage to sleep while it was moving so I got huckleberry app with the sleep window calculator and pushed her out every time it said nap to try and reduce her overtiredness which was making the crying worse. Also feeding to sleep on a travel cot mattress on the floor and then rolling away once she slept so I could kip on sofa without waking her. If you don’t have pets that is!
I always suggest people post on local mums Facebook groups in situations like this. M I’m not the only mum who would be willing to poor round and help out with a screamer, having been through it. Things will be easier to cope with once you get some sleep so I hope you can get some help with that. Thinking of you.