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Original poster

Social services / alcohol recovery

42 replies

Booksandsea · 21/02/2026 21:39

Hello. I have my big girls pants on and this is going to be long sorry; but will try to condense.

ive always struggled with alcohol. Low self esteem, very wealthy family but super high expectations / traditional roles (ie me serving my dad and brothers since I could walk). They drank every single day. Mum used to say “dad had a hard day; let’s get more wine today”.

uni / working in hospitality. It’s always been a crutch.

now I’m 40 and my daughters father has just taken her off me. Like took her out the house because he accused me of drinking; many times; and many referrals; some true some not. Social services involved and they said she can come home. Because I am involved in lengthly amount of agencies to support me (and have been for a while). He’s not conforming. He’s almost 50 and lived with me paying no bills. And I think he’s about to lose his job. So I think he’s cottoned onto taking her off me. He’s lived with his ex for a bit and she’s vile. What I’m asking is ; how do I proceed? If Ss are saying she can be with me; but he’s refusing to bring her - or does but it’s at random times. She’s never had a nap. She’s always starving and quite dirty. I breastfeed and she can’t get enough of me. I’m rambling. Ask for clarification. I just need advice please

OP posts:
FlowersInPots · 21/02/2026 22:01

How old is your DD? I would have thought you need to speak to a solicitor. Ask SS to document their findings (not sure on process for this but you need something that says they’ve assessed you as safe to have custody of your DD).
Ensure your home is calm, stable and set up for DD to come back to.
Give up drinking if you haven’t already (engage with any help offered for this).

It’s hard but try not to focus on your ex’s motivations for taking her. The courts won’t be overly interested in looking backwards - they will want to look forward and focus on where is the best place for your DD to be.

Original poster
Booksandsea · 21/02/2026 22:06

She’s 15 months. Never really been looked after by anyone but me. I have lots of alcohol help in place, drs, local services and I’m engaging and going well. Ss say that concerns are there but as long as I’m actioning everything and proving. They will be alongside. He’s although decided everything’s in his court and if he’s got her he is primary parent. Even though she’s missing her mum, her groups, her friends, her nursery.

CAB and free hour of law advice are my calls on Monday.

however I’m a little worried. She’s not herself. She’s never been with so many people and not at home. She had an hour with me and alternating hit me, kissed me, cried and laughed. She spent last night here and she snuggled in like normal; but then cried and looked at me like she didn’t know me. It’s been less than a week but he’s not supporting an ongoing relationship.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 21/02/2026 22:06

I'd speak again to your social worker. If you're breastfeeding then it's not appropriate for him to be removing her if you've been deemed as safe.

I would contact womens aid as he is sounding a bit abusive like he is playing on your vulnerabilities to meet his own needs and keep a written record of any concerns you have regarding your dd and how she is being returned.

Speak to a solicitor about a formal contact agreement and chase it if he breaches this. Engage with all support relating to alcohol on offer to you and surround yourself with people who build you up and cut anyone out who is a negative influence.

Make sure your home is in a reasonable condition and if you need to outsource a cleaner and have the means then just do that if it helps you. Healthy, consistent routines will be important here but take advice from your sw. If they feel like you are really working with them, taking their advice on board and really doing your best then that will stand you in good stead..

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
HowardTJMoon · 21/02/2026 22:12

I haven't been in your shoes. But I have been in a (somewhat) similar position to your daughter's father.

Is your child on a Child Protection Plan? If so, what does that say? If not, has Social Services made any recommendations about how contact between you and your daughter should happen? Eg supervised/unsupervised, overnights or daytime only, if there are any requirements on you to do alcohol tests before contact etc?

If there's a Child Protection Plan in place then there's possibly not a lot you can do right now to change things other than to make sure that you follow exactly what they are requiring you to do. If not, or when the Protection Plan is deemed to have run its course, then probably the best course of action for you is to pursue this through court to get a Child Arrangement Order that will stipulate how much time your daughter should have with both her parents. You'll probably be required to do mediation first.

For what it's worth my children were on what is now termed a Child Protection Plan although back then it was called being on the At-Risk Register. The social workers made it abundantly clear to me that as much as they were watching my ex to see what she did about her alcohol problem, they were also watching me to see if I could be relied upon to protect my children from her drinking. Because if they didn't think they could trust either of us then the next step would be my children being taken in to care. If that meant I had to cancel contact at short notice because I suspected she wasn't sober then that was what I was required to do. I didn't like having to be the booze police and on the occasions when I did have to cancel contact my ex absolutely HATED me.

I'm not saying that this is necessarily what's happening with you and your ex. If you are keeping reliably sober and doing what social services ask of you then I genuinely applaud your efforts. I know it's not easy. But if that is the case, and there's no Child Protection Plan in force, then I think mediation then court would be your best next step.

Original poster
Booksandsea · 21/02/2026 22:20

HowardTJMoon · 21/02/2026 22:12

I haven't been in your shoes. But I have been in a (somewhat) similar position to your daughter's father.

Is your child on a Child Protection Plan? If so, what does that say? If not, has Social Services made any recommendations about how contact between you and your daughter should happen? Eg supervised/unsupervised, overnights or daytime only, if there are any requirements on you to do alcohol tests before contact etc?

If there's a Child Protection Plan in place then there's possibly not a lot you can do right now to change things other than to make sure that you follow exactly what they are requiring you to do. If not, or when the Protection Plan is deemed to have run its course, then probably the best course of action for you is to pursue this through court to get a Child Arrangement Order that will stipulate how much time your daughter should have with both her parents. You'll probably be required to do mediation first.

For what it's worth my children were on what is now termed a Child Protection Plan although back then it was called being on the At-Risk Register. The social workers made it abundantly clear to me that as much as they were watching my ex to see what she did about her alcohol problem, they were also watching me to see if I could be relied upon to protect my children from her drinking. Because if they didn't think they could trust either of us then the next step would be my children being taken in to care. If that meant I had to cancel contact at short notice because I suspected she wasn't sober then that was what I was required to do. I didn't like having to be the booze police and on the occasions when I did have to cancel contact my ex absolutely HATED me.

I'm not saying that this is necessarily what's happening with you and your ex. If you are keeping reliably sober and doing what social services ask of you then I genuinely applaud your efforts. I know it's not easy. But if that is the case, and there's no Child Protection Plan in force, then I think mediation then court would be your best next step.

No she isn’t on any form of plan … at the moment. He’s just keeping her from me (I think) so he can claim UC. I have engaged with all services; and have offered to take a breathalyser everyday. He did hit me and he did get arrested late last year. I was convinced to retract statement. Since then his family have hated me and have been in his ear. I have never stopped her seeing them and actively encourage it; to my own detriment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booksandsea · 21/02/2026 22:22

Lavender14 · 21/02/2026 22:06

I'd speak again to your social worker. If you're breastfeeding then it's not appropriate for him to be removing her if you've been deemed as safe.

I would contact womens aid as he is sounding a bit abusive like he is playing on your vulnerabilities to meet his own needs and keep a written record of any concerns you have regarding your dd and how she is being returned.

Speak to a solicitor about a formal contact agreement and chase it if he breaches this. Engage with all support relating to alcohol on offer to you and surround yourself with people who build you up and cut anyone out who is a negative influence.

Make sure your home is in a reasonable condition and if you need to outsource a cleaner and have the means then just do that if it helps you. Healthy, consistent routines will be important here but take advice from your sw. If they feel like you are really working with them, taking their advice on board and really doing your best then that will stand you in good stead..

House has already been inspected, and passed easily. She commented on the frozen meals I’d made for daughter, how much fruit etc we had and my baking cupboard. She said she loved how many books we have and clearly read as everywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booksandsea · 21/02/2026 23:31

HowardTJMoon · 21/02/2026 22:12

I haven't been in your shoes. But I have been in a (somewhat) similar position to your daughter's father.

Is your child on a Child Protection Plan? If so, what does that say? If not, has Social Services made any recommendations about how contact between you and your daughter should happen? Eg supervised/unsupervised, overnights or daytime only, if there are any requirements on you to do alcohol tests before contact etc?

If there's a Child Protection Plan in place then there's possibly not a lot you can do right now to change things other than to make sure that you follow exactly what they are requiring you to do. If not, or when the Protection Plan is deemed to have run its course, then probably the best course of action for you is to pursue this through court to get a Child Arrangement Order that will stipulate how much time your daughter should have with both her parents. You'll probably be required to do mediation first.

For what it's worth my children were on what is now termed a Child Protection Plan although back then it was called being on the At-Risk Register. The social workers made it abundantly clear to me that as much as they were watching my ex to see what she did about her alcohol problem, they were also watching me to see if I could be relied upon to protect my children from her drinking. Because if they didn't think they could trust either of us then the next step would be my children being taken in to care. If that meant I had to cancel contact at short notice because I suspected she wasn't sober then that was what I was required to do. I didn't like having to be the booze police and on the occasions when I did have to cancel contact my ex absolutely HATED me.

I'm not saying that this is necessarily what's happening with you and your ex. If you are keeping reliably sober and doing what social services ask of you then I genuinely applaud your efforts. I know it's not easy. But if that is the case, and there's no Child Protection Plan in force, then I think mediation then court would be your best next step.

Thank you for this perspective. I’ve offered a breathalyser test every contact and have offered to speak to nursery, and all the other groups / classes we go to for a “personal reference” if you like? I do get you can’t leave your child with an alcoholic who
os actively abusing drink. But you can trust all the support systems involved; and child’s clear need for mum. At this point he just wants to not work. He’s been “rehomed” in a place he attacked someone and it’s come to head. He is being moved on. It’s not ok for baby to constantly be on the move.

OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 21/02/2026 23:39

Do you drink and breast feed your child?

Original poster
Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 00:08

Hohofortherobbers · 21/02/2026 23:39

Do you drink and breast feed your child?

Yes I have. According to what I read “if you can find your baby; you can feed your baby”

my baby is beautiful and advanced and no she doesn’t sleep but we get lots of cuddles. She’s secure; and everyone comments on her social skills. I am aware it’s not ideal.

OP posts:
AmberLime · 22/02/2026 00:12

Does baby cosleep in your bed? Or do you nap together on the sofa?

EvangelineTheNightStar · 22/02/2026 00:13

Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 00:08

Yes I have. According to what I read “if you can find your baby; you can feed your baby”

my baby is beautiful and advanced and no she doesn’t sleep but we get lots of cuddles. She’s secure; and everyone comments on her social skills. I am aware it’s not ideal.

Show quote history

No it’s not “ideal” you’re seeking support but still not stopping drinking for her?

Original poster
Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 00:36

She sleeps with me in our bed. Cushions to stop her rolling. Sometimes she’s in her cot. I wake up at the slightest noise. Her dad you could drive a digger over and he wouldn’t wake up. Guess which of us she’s with tonight. In same bed

OP posts:
Original poster
Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 00:38

EvangelineTheNightStar · 22/02/2026 00:13

No it’s not “ideal” you’re seeking support but still not stopping drinking for her?

Show quote history

I go weeks / months without drinking until he either hits me, sleeps with his ex or just is cruel.

OP posts:
EvangelineTheNightStar · 22/02/2026 08:33

Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 00:36

She sleeps with me in our bed. Cushions to stop her rolling. Sometimes she’s in her cot. I wake up at the slightest noise. Her dad you could drive a digger over and he wouldn’t wake up. Guess which of us she’s with tonight. In same bed

Sorry but are you co sleeping while drunk? That’s old wives tale nonsense “if you can find your baby, you can feed your baby”…. 🙄 yes you can have a glass of wine say as bf but Alcohol can actually inhibit the "let-down" reflex by suppressing oxytocin. So, even if you "find" your baby, your body might not effectively "feed" her leading to her being frustrated and hungry.

ShawnaMacallister · 22/02/2026 08:42

You need to apply to court for an urgent hearing. The forms are online and the fee is under £300. You will get a court date next week and will hopefully have her returned to you.
You're still making excuses for your drinking however and that is something you need to address properly. Are you in treatment?

Nutmuncher · 22/02/2026 08:50

The child’s father has removed his daughter from her alcoholic mother for her safety because he deems you a risk. Focus on your recovery for now.

Original poster
Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 09:15

I am in recovery. Working with all the services for a while now.
he has been biding his time on this and pushing me.
im an amazing mum; and she deserves to see me. The only reason he gives for not allowing it; is he wants to get a house so he needs to keep her. He’s never changed a nappy before this week, and yesterday when I saw her she was saw; had poo in her vulva; up all over her body; despite a nappy with only wee in. She has flea bites on her face and scratches on hands. His idea of parenting is putting a dvd on. He can’t cook so she’ll only have microwave meals. He won’t take her to baby groups / swimming classes / park / beach.

I do take on that my drinking has been a problem. I have been trying to help myself and there are multiple agencies involved and helping me. Acute loneliness and overwhelming, combined with a lot of cohesive control and domestic abuse haven’t helped

OP posts:
EvangelineTheNightStar · 22/02/2026 09:27

have you reported your concerns to the agencies supporting you?

ShawnaMacallister · 22/02/2026 09:30

Nutmuncher · 22/02/2026 08:50

The child’s father has removed his daughter from her alcoholic mother for her safety because he deems you a risk. Focus on your recovery for now.

Both parents are concerning here. The status quo should be in place whilst the father pursues the correct channels, not just remove the baby from the mother.

ShawnaMacallister · 22/02/2026 09:30

Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 09:15

I am in recovery. Working with all the services for a while now.
he has been biding his time on this and pushing me.
im an amazing mum; and she deserves to see me. The only reason he gives for not allowing it; is he wants to get a house so he needs to keep her. He’s never changed a nappy before this week, and yesterday when I saw her she was saw; had poo in her vulva; up all over her body; despite a nappy with only wee in. She has flea bites on her face and scratches on hands. His idea of parenting is putting a dvd on. He can’t cook so she’ll only have microwave meals. He won’t take her to baby groups / swimming classes / park / beach.

I do take on that my drinking has been a problem. I have been trying to help myself and there are multiple agencies involved and helping me. Acute loneliness and overwhelming, combined with a lot of cohesive control and domestic abuse haven’t helped

Ok, so have you applied for an emergency court hearing?

Original poster
Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 10:08

ShawnaMacallister · 22/02/2026 09:30

Ok, so have you applied for an emergency court hearing?

Show quote history

No. I have a meeting tomorrow with alcohol support and family worker and will be asking about this.

I’ve agreed to breathiliser, blood tests and in 3 months hair strand test to prove I’ve stopped drinking. It’s going to be easier now he’s gone. He’s just homeless now and grasping.

OP posts:
EvangelineTheNightStar · 22/02/2026 10:22

How often will you be breathalysed? Do you drive?

Original poster
Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 11:06

I don’t drive
im happy for anyone to brealiyse me anytime they want.

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 22/02/2026 11:06

Booksandsea · 22/02/2026 10:08

No. I have a meeting tomorrow with alcohol support and family worker and will be asking about this.

I’ve agreed to breathiliser, blood tests and in 3 months hair strand test to prove I’ve stopped drinking. It’s going to be easier now he’s gone. He’s just homeless now and grasping.

Show quote history

Don't need to ask family worker or adult support about this. You need to do it yourself, now, today, online. Stop being passive and expecting services to sort this out for you.

TheGrimSmile · 22/02/2026 12:04

If he has PR, which he will if you're married or hes named on the BC, then you need to get to a solicitor ASAP and make an application in the private court. If he doesn't have PR then just go to fetch her and bring her home; call the police if necessary.