Social services / alcohol recovery

[Booksandsea]

Hello. I have my big girls pants on and this is going to be long sorry; but will try to condense.

ive always struggled with alcohol. Low self esteem, very wealthy family but super high expectations / traditional roles (ie me serving my dad and brothers since I could walk). They drank every single day. Mum used to say “dad had a hard day; let’s get more wine today”.

uni / working in hospitality. It’s always been a crutch.

now I’m 40 and my daughters father has just taken her off me. Like took her out the house because he accused me of drinking; many times; and many referrals; some true some not. Social services involved and they said she can come home. Because I am involved in lengthly amount of agencies to support me (and have been for a while). He’s not conforming. He’s almost 50 and lived with me paying no bills. And I think he’s about to lose his job. So I think he’s cottoned onto taking her off me. He’s lived with his ex for a bit and she’s vile. What I’m asking is ; how do I proceed? If Ss are saying she can be with me; but he’s refusing to bring her - or does but it’s at random times. She’s never had a nap. She’s always starving and quite dirty. I breastfeed and she can’t get enough of me. I’m rambling. Ask for clarification. I just need advice please

But you need to be honest with yourself about how much you drink and how this impacts yoir child. Try to look objectively at where your child is best placed because this is what the court will do.

If she's with you now and she's always been with you and there is no agreement with SS that she stays with her dad then dont send her back to him.

How much are you drinking max 2 small glasses or a bottle plus?

It’s all very complicated. He has her and it’s basically so he can get a house. (He has said this to me, I haven’t managed to get this on record) Social services have completely cleared me to be with her - on his say so. She’s with my family for the next two nights.
hes left her with everyone he possibly can, he’s not cared for her alone during day the entire time, he’s has her in evenings / overnight but think that’s where his parenting runs out. Today he sent me a picture of her in his siblings car - and the infant seat was buckled in forward facing,
without even the lap belt through the clips. His sibling has children, how on earth would anyone let a baby be forward facing without even a lap belt?

im collating everything;
he is saying no to
family court - presumably because he know I’d win. I’m using the time I’m not with her for therapy, reaching out to friends, sorting my baseline out and will be better when she comes home for good.

She's with your family? He's said no to family court??
If she's with your family then go and get her! And he doesn't get to 'say no' to court. Did you make the application yesterday?

I’m just going with it for now. My family are awful and fully on his side. If I tried to take her they’d ring police, it would all just escalate. My mum came with me today to a meeting with my alcohol support worker I’ve been seeing for a couple of months; they know my history with partner and what’s gone on. My worker asked my mum about messages that were sent to my ex by mum and my
mum blew up - my mum wouldn’t listen to the abuse history and how rock bottom I’ve been for a while. She accused me of being the root of everything. I can’t fight everyone so until I’m weeks sober and it can be tested and proved; I’m jumping through their hoops and collating evidence.

Oh ffs come on !! Some of these replies! Stop fucking drinking !

So you haven't applied to court?
You're on the way to losing your daughter here.

You need a good family solicitor to help sort this asap. If you delay it will get much more difficult and expensive to deal with - you should prioritise this and then pull out all the stops to be a great mum and stop drinking and get therapy etc

If you’re so confident you would ‘win’ at family court, why aren’t you making the application?

Social services (who have no parental responsibility for your child) saying they are satisfied with your parenting is not the same as your child’s other parent (who has equal rights and responsibilities as you) being confident that you can safely care for your child.

I’ve worked with parents with amazing parenting skills in all other areas (immaculate homes, lots of books, health meals etc etc) but if the child is not consistently safe in the context of alcohol use it sadly sometimes isn’t enough.

If your child’s father is using your daughter as a weapon/ abusive himself etc etc then let the family court adjudicate on that, trying to sort this between yourselves in this context (and I usually advise people to avoid the family court if possible) isn’t going to end well.

I can’t afford court
he has stopped me working and I still pay all bills. All my savings are gone
i I have been drinking previously and I need to let it all out my system before do a hair strand test of similar
ive Not been sober for long enough to count on sobriety to help me through.
i am building a case.
in a couple of weeks he’ll be fed up of being a parent and give up. In her whole life he’s done nothing. I’ve posted previously and I am
curating a diary of stuff. Im
not going to win by going on the attack now. At the minute she is safe, loved. And happy. If that changes, believe me I’m going all out. This time is giving me chance to help myself, I’ve found friends who Will stand with me, I’ve got chance for therapy. Obviously I want her back now. But I’m making this time count

I have.

You are making too many excuses here.
Go and collect your child from the family members and if they call the police so be it.

Stop making excuses for your crap behaviour and his crap behaviour. Put your child first and stop this chaotic mess.

Op, you need to take stock of the people in your life. Some people are radiators and they build you up and bring warmth and support, others are drains and they affect your confidence, bring negativity and bring you down.

If your family are awful why is your mum going to meetings with you? You need to speak very openly to your support worker and social worker and express the concerns you have with your family and ask them to help you build a better support network that doesn't include them if they don't have your back. Trying to keep people around you who don't believe in you and who only support you on the surface but not any deeper than that really affects resilience so it sounds like you need a cull, but with support so you're filling that gap with more supportive people.

Focusing on your dd is important but op that starts with you. You need to focus on getting yourself to a safer, better place first and that will automatically make it easier for you to focus on her. It's great you've stopped drinking and are taking support. Have you identified triggers and coping mechanisms to replace the alcohol?

Lots of women end up relying on alcohol when affected by domestic abuse. And you can absolutely come back from that. But you need to have very, very clear boundaries for yourself and other people. Do you need to go through a 3rd party app or similar to navigate contact if he's abusive? Have you reported the abuse to social services?

I just read a thread where a 60 yr old woman is still suffering from the childhood trauma of having an alcoholic parent. You should not get your dc back till you've been reliably sober for a decent length of time.
Did you also drink when pregnant?

Whether or not op drank in pregnancy is irrelevant as that's done now and cannot be undone.. if op is newly sober the last thing needed is a pile on and judgement.

Yes op needs to get to a place of being reliably sober, especially because parenting is bloody hard work and takes a lot of resilience especially as a single parent, so it's important to be in a good place in yourself. However, let's not forget that op has been abused and controlled and is navigating her own trauma and none of us know the circumstances around her alcohol dependency. She's taking good steps to get herself on the right track now and maintaining that is ultimately what matters.

How much were you drinking?

If your child is presenting dirty, flea bites, in unsafe car seat etc, then go collect her.