I'm worried DS (aged 3) is causing an eating disorder in DD (aged 2)

[StrictMachine]

Don't flame me, I am not an over protective parent and have never stressed myself over their diets but recently I have gotten really worried.

They have always shared really nicely but since starting preschool DS has been really possessive over toys. This has now led to him doing it with food.

At first it was small things, such as him eating his dinner faster, then swapping plates with DD. I then noticed if we gave them each a banana he'd wolf most of his down and then swap it with her mostly uneaten one. It got to the point where I had to closely supervise their snacks, for fear he'd be taking. I have seen him do it (spying through the crack in the playroom door) especially say a bowl of raisins, he will move to a corner and has even pulled food from her mouth on occasion. He's also hit her and once threw water on her because she wouldn't give him her bread roll.

I'm now worried as DD will not eat her food around him, even when at the table with us all. Not only that she seems to eat very little now, I've tried taking her out alone for a lunch, I have even tried leaving her alone in the playroom with bowls of food and no joy.

When I give her food now she offers it to us, as though she's scared to eat it herself.
What can I do to stop this? I can't help but get angry with DS, yes he is young but he should know better and our punishments don't work.

Surely now, these times are key for forming eating habits and I hate to think DD may be getting these horrid negative vibes.

Nobody said it was easy noone ever said it would be this hard.

Can you try all eating meals together and praising heavily if she eats something - maybe better than peeping round a door? I'm not sure I like the sound of children being left alone to eat anyway - meals should be social affairs. And I would have an absolute zero-tolerance on DS if he steals food off her - down from the table and on the naughty step/spot immediately! And if you are there at the table with your DD she is getting rewards and praise for eating nicely and he is getting no attention at all.

I am a strict mummy though!

No no I meant with peeping around the door that was my own experiment on how he is with her, with a banana each or raisins etc,

We eat around the table for all meals, but it's the same thing, he grabs handfuls from her plate when he thinks we won't see, or takes it from her hand saying sweetly 'thankyou' so she concedes

As its a food version of most older sibs' behaviour when feeling insecure (dd1 would have moments of snatching toys off dd2, much the same thing though less worrying in its impact, I suppose) I would also find ways of giving yoru DS some one-on-one time if possible.

Starting pre-school can be very stressful, if he's learning to cope with other kids taking things from him/sharing there, he's bound to act out more at home, IYSWIM. So as well as having firm limits with him, I'd try and give him masses of positive attention and praise when he doesn't take food off his sister.

I think ultimately, DS feeling more secure might have more impact on your DD's feelings than anything you can do/show her directly...not sure I've put taht well, am rushing, but hope it makes somse sense!

Plus of course give her time/space around food, don't focus on her too much when she's eating, etc...

And btw, I felt taht you thought you might be flamed for this post....

This is probably a bit obvious, but have you tried sitting them further apart so he cant do this?
If I was in this situation I would have zero tolerance for this kind of behaviour.

We have repeatedly told him it is unacceptable, even made him sit on the 'naughty step' (in sight of the table) as we finish diner but it doesn't work.

It means I can't even give them a biscuit each without having to supervise.

And, sit them apart from each other at meal times - my dd's sit each side of the table 'so dd2 can see how well you eat, dd1, and learn from you' but really so they can't distract/grab etc from each other

If he grabs food from anyone's plate move him so far away that he can't reach, if necessary make him leave the table.

Your dd needs to know that it's his behaviour that's the problem, not hers.

Is you ds still hungry when he's finished his meal/snack or just taking the food to wind her up? If he is taking it because he is still hungry, why not give him seconds, then he hopefully will stop trying to take your dd's - and if she sees him enjoying his food, maybe she'll eat better too...

''I have even tried leaving her alone in the playroom with bowls of food and no joy''

By that I mean a bowl of chopped fruit, pasta salad or some such, and I always watch her, just to see if she ACTUALLY will eat anything.

zero tolerance is all very well, but HAS to be combined with support/new ways to behave, IMO.

I give an example: when dd1 started snatching/shouting/hitting dd2 (when dd2 started crawling) we sat down and talked. I asked her how she felt when she did those things, why she was angry, and suggested that instead of hitting etc (and getting sent to her room) she could tell me or her Dad that she felt like hitting her sister, and that she needed some space or attention.

I know this sounds sort of OTT with a then 3.5 yr old, but it worked. She just started saying 'I need some SPACE' or 'please get M out of my room, I feel like hitting her'.

He won't eat unless he is next to her, rod own back springs to mind, but we have tried many otherways believe me.

He won't eat if not next to her?

I wouuld shrug and say 'thats up to you, darling' but not sit them next to each other. If you do, yo'ure giving dd the message that what ds needs is more important than her own protection, IYSWIM.

He is only 3y1m and not very verbal, DD (2y1m ) is almost on level with him, especially in non verbal communication.

He is all about action. DH has suggested some radical ideas but they don't fit comfortably with me.

How can you reason with someone who doesn't understand reason?

you need to sit them apart, it doesnt matter if he is verbal or not. if he doesnt eat dont make a fuss but dont give him anything til next meal time. he will not starve himself, i promise

Firstly I would separate them at the table. Then make sure they get enough to eat.
No pressure on anyone to eat, no snacks in between meals.

Get them involved in setting the table - tablecloth, small pot of flowers, decorating their own placemat.

Reiterate rules of no taking food from others' plates/eating with mouth open etc.

Thanks, we have tried all this, she just seems to not like food anymore which is heartbreaking.

I think I'll try to do more fun cooking and food shopping at the market etc with her when Ds is at preschool.

I just hope it's a phase.

Ah I understand a bit better now. I think he is trying to control you tbh, by not eating unless he is sat next to her, he wants to have it all his own way. It will get easier I suppose when your little girl is more able to say no to him and stand up for herself.

Also meant to say that her appetite is probably slowing down as well, it happened to my eldest at 2. She is starting to enjoy more food again though recently (she is 2.5 now)

Dittany I have done just that too, but he does it again and again. It's the only regular bad behaviour I've ever had from him and it gets very frustrating.

It happened when I was staying with my mum last week and she gave him a sort tap on the hand and ordered him to sit on a chair in the other room until he said sorry, it worked, but that's not everyday and certainly not what I would do as a parent (but that's another thread I'm going to ask for advice on)

Just to second what milknosugar says, he will not starve himself if you separate them (as you need to) at the table. FWIW, my dsis had some (different) issues with her ds's behaviour at the table, and she removed him from the table if he would not behave - it only took 2 nights without any tea before he realised she meant business, and began to improve. Hope it's as successful for you!