Anyone else struggling to bond with their teenage daughter?

[Loobyloo93]

Hi, basically I am a single mother to 2 beautiful girls. One is nearly 13 😢 and one nearly 3. The father to my eldest has only just came in her life and has basically slowed down talking to her and and eventually stopped like I knew it would! Then I have my very crazy ADHD suspected 3 year old girl 😅 I am really struggling to find the balance between them both as my 3 year old is very jealous and wants me all to get self 24/7 which has caused my eldest to feel left out. And I hate to say it but my eldest has started to become abit of rebal when she’s out with her friends, I’m assuming it’s lack of attention 🙁 I am struggling to bond with her completely as all she wants to do is sit in her bedroom on her phone constantly if she’s not out with her friends. Literally just last night I said let’s all sit down stairs and put something on tv. She lasted all of an hour and wanted to go back to her room. I know it’s just the teenage stage but I’m worried we are going to clash in the future and I have already changed a lot because I am struggling with my mental health really bad I’ve had a adjust ALOT just to try to be in her side and feel like I’m not getting on at her all the time! She has also start self harming and I’ve tried everything from hospitals to schools to police to grounding her! I’m really struggling 🙁 And my youngest daughter goes to her dads every Friday so that is a blessing just to have 1 nights peace (she’s is a Velcro child) 😅but is anyone in the same situation?? Or have been through this and could give me any type of advice please 🙏

I am sorry- I have no experience of the self harming which I can imagine is awful to watch.
Through the teenage years it’s hard isn’t it- you feel like you’re losing them. They do come back!
But- I just tried to find a thing that we both liked to do- ours happened to be a little drive in the countryside, usually via a coffee shop/ drive through.
Just time to chat or just listen to music.
The car was good, like a walk would be, as they can open up to you if they want, but silence is ok too.
Hope tat you find a way to connect.

Fridays nights are treat nights for you and your eldest - cinemas/ meal outs / face masks and foot spas / film and popcorn at home / baking / scrap booking - whatever you can get her to agree to. Make it all about her and trying to reconnect.

I agree with urgent therapy. Very worrying about the self harm - do you know what she is looking at on her phone? How is she doing at school?

I’d turn your description of the Friday around - she spent an hour with you downstairs. That’s great! Make it a positive thing - you really enjoyed that time with her.

I think a lot of teens need more than "let's watch TV together" to convince them to spend time with a parent! What does she enjoy - shopping or going out for a milkshake or taking her to get her nails done?

Also, yes, I would try to get her therapy for the self harm.

She’s been through a lot - absent/present/absent dad, a new baby in the family which is inevitably disruptive to the home and will take your attention from her after many years enjoying all of your focus. Add to that the inevitable hormones, peer pressures, school work ramping up and you have a perfect storm. Given the self harm you need to organise some professional help. And on Friday nights you need to make it special for you and your big girl (although I get the need to decompress) - a regular activity, cinema, takeaway, box set whatever.

Do anything you can to make a connection with her. Anything. If your 3 year old gets jealous she needs to learn she can't have your sole attention 24/7 (I realise that might be difficult if you don't have help) and I would make a point of saying this to dd13. So yes TV with a takeaway. Take her out for her favourite tea. Ask her what she wants on your Friday together. Karaoke. Cinema. Swimming together. Offer to do it until you feel like a needy suitor even if she says no. Stick with the plan even if the constant rejection hurts your feelings. Eventually she will cave and it is when you do things together that they talk to you (usually just as you're finishing and late to pick up the 3 yr old I expect).

Therapy is good but difficult to find for teenagers. I assume you're on the camhs waiting list but you need to try to get her to talk to you in the meantime. It is very hard, you have my sympathies.

She has had so much disruption in her life and it must weigh on her to feel rejected by her dad - again.

Watching tv together isn’t going to create a bond that isn’t there in the first place. What she needs right now is someone to listen to her non judgementally and just be a friend to her. She’s finding that on her phone and not in your house.

You need to make time for her. Just the two of you. Just to hang out and chat and get to know her. That sounds silly because you think you know her but she will have a whole interior life you know nothing about. Know who her friends are, get involved with the daily school news (if she’s willing to share), let her be angry about her fuck up dad and just listen, let her lament but also try and laugh together, enjoy her company. This may take time but it won’t ever happen if you don’t make space for it.

Thank you everyone for your feedback I really appreciate it, she is getting help from all angles and does have therapy being set up for her. Luckily she hasn’t self harmed for a good few months as I keep checking in and she seems to be doing a lot better. The things is with taking her out and treating her etc comes down to the money issues that I have no spare money to treat my kids most the time. She has said she would love to go shopping and get a cuppa together so I am going to plan something and try my best to sort some money out for that. But other than that I find it really hard to find something else that doesn’t cost money. Yes she is connected with CAMHS but I still feel like there isn’t enough help out there for children UNLESS it is private and who has the money for that now days 😭 yes I am going to try and save some money together but it won’t be for a while off 😢 like you guys said I’m just going to try my best to get the little time with her that I can! Thank you!

Yeah I get that I gave you a long list of things you have to pay for. Ideas:
teach yourselves a card game like poker (nothing cooler than a girl who can play poker) or gin rummy. With snacks etc if you can.
If karaoke would work you can do it using you tube videos and just singing along.
When it's warmer you can have a picnic tea in the park or take a ball to a local basketball court (that one really worked for my daughter).
Find a jigsaw or board game from a charity shop. It doesn't even have to be cool it just has to be you showing that you are serious about wanting to hang out with her tbh. As she's 13 you still have time to build your relationship. I know you're tired, but it's crucial. Good luck!

Mines not a teenager yet but we do love going shopping together. We don't always buy stuff but we have fun picking out outfits for each other to try on and take pictures etc. We also go to a coffee shop afterwards.

@Poppingbythat is really helpful 🙏 thank you. As I am also struggling with mental illness sometimes thinking of things of the top of my head i find difficult but that really helped thank you

Agree with all this. Without the 3 year old. Take her out somewhere she'd like. Maybe she'd like to pick out a nail varnish from superdrug or a drink and cake from Costa. See the GP about self harm

Thank You. Of course I am getting her help for her self harm and was the first thing I did when I found out she was doing it.

And as for the watchin tv together, my idea was to put her favourite show on but because we had the 3 year old running around it wasn’t really possible! By the time it is my 3 year olds bedtime both me and my eldest are about ready for bed so doing anything at this time just wouldn’t work. It’s cold it’s wet I barely have money or the help from others! But because I have cried out for help my mum has offered to start having my eldest once a week which I think will help but the only day she can have her is Friday nights like my youngest! So now I’m like what do I do because she said she would like to stay at my mums.
so now I am planning on trying to get the childcare for my youngest for a few hours one night after school so me and my eldest can figure out what we want to do!
as I said in my previous post, I am keeping on top of her mental health and self harm, she is having help from all angles and is doing a lot better. It was more on advice on ways to bond with her as I have lost myself on mothering my youngest which I forgot to add might also have autism, she’s a difficult child at best of times, shouts screams and cry’s a lot which is another reason I think my eldest is in her room a lot because she can’t handle my youngest.

But I really do appreciate everyone’s post and feedback I feel 100 times better moving forward! ❤️

If you have mental illness, are you surprised this is a struggle. It’s not a stable family life for her is it? You need to address your issues fully too. Sorry say that but it’s a perfect storm of nome of you being easy to manage.

So since she is 10 she has had to deal with a baby who has taken up all your time. And you wonder why problems are starting.

You didn't seriously call the police about her self harming, did you? Or ground her?

My god you are punshing a child for having mental health issues whilst your 3 yo is attached to you day and night getting all the attention.

Would you like to be punished for your mental health issues?

That's not helpful is it.

You've got a lot on your plate. Are you on any meds for your mental health? I've used some after dh died when my dds were 11 and 13 and it helped me cope. Good idea to focus on childcare for youngest to give the eldest attention.

@AzureRose listen here, you know nothing about my life I was asking for advice not your shitty post.

OP, you've got a lot on and have realised your older DD is struggling.
A ND younger sister makes for an intensely challenging home.
Could her Dad have her more than one night perhaps?
You do need some time with your oldest girl. I think you're right to be scared that she will need you during the next few years but your current set up makes it hard to give her that attention..
Teens do peel off and want to spend time with friends, but they also need to know that you're there for them too.

I think a solution that would help everyone would be for your 3 year old to go to bed earlier. Say 7pm bedtime, followed by time for just elder daughter and you until her bedtime. Doesn't need to be doing exciting stuff, but consistent time daily is likely to make a big difference.

Come on here for advice and I feel in the wrong. I’m trying my best. As an adult who had a rough childhood and seen nothing but violence and had to protect my mum since I was 12, leave school, and then try and raise my babies on my own. Do you want me to tell you how I first got pregnant???? Coz I really don’t want to go into that!! Not only am I on the path to being diagnosed with ADHD, BPD and other mental illnesses but I have 2 daughters that are the same because my youngest daughters dad has ADHD but I am a single mum struggling and you want to come on here and make me feel worse! Jesus Christ

Early bedtime with ADHD is not going to be easy - often they're very low needs for sleep!