Playdates. Feeling left out.

[Noconfidenceleft]

I know I will sound helpless and pathetic on this but I have this as a constant anxiety. DS is 8 and generally happy at school. He has good friends and a couple of good friends he plays with a lot. I work full time and for 2 evenings per week he spends with his dad so time after school is usually limited with clubs and the like. He does get invited to birthdays but playdates are few and far between.

DS has a couple of friends outside of school through my friends which is all good. I occasionally have organised soft play or trips to the park with some of his school friends but one mum in particular always seems to be busy. Another mum has brushed off invites too. I have on a few occasions heard kids telling my DS that they had a playdate after school - most recently it sounded like one of the mums has had a whole series of playdates with a small group of boys that my son also plays with but on at least 3 occasions that I know of, my son has been excluded. I know I shouldn't get upset over this but it's hard not to be. He has been to few of these boys houses but we never reciprocated I'm ashamed to say. I know I could try and do the same but I am very anxious about the state of our home being in a perpetual mess and it's finding the time as well.

I know this is rambling and just want to do better for my DS. Any tips please.

I think you're over thinking. Your son has been excluded from play dates he just wasnt invited. They may have been on nights he was known to be at his dad's. Its hard to make connections with parents you don't regularly see at drop offs (and I say that as a full time working mum with long commute who NEVER does drop offs).

Does your child have friends at school? Are they happy at school? Do they engage well at clubs?

It seems this is your issue and not actually a worry for your child?

Well, host play dates? I also worked FT when DS was that age, but I would arrange my hours periodically so that we could have children over after school. Maybe once a month or six weeks. To our unimpressive rental.

Honestly, the most obvious advise is to reciprocate.

You want to better for your son so you need to find a way to have his friends round or take them out somewhere - even if it's just for a trip to MacDonalds or the cinema something.

If you don’t reciprocate your child is less likely to be invited again.

you need to host if you want to sort this.

or just let it go.

Sounds like you dont do any pick ups at school finish. can you compress your hours at all so that you can be there eg on a Friday to pick up and reciprocate play dates? Maybe book one for a couple of weeks time at a weekend if only option and use that as the motivation to tidy up a bit. I’m not sure how much kids notice but if it helps motivate you go with that, it’s what I do! I also tell myself im going to spend 10 minutes tidying up and then I sometimes do longer but it gets me started. I do think it’s good to host play dates, support friendships at this age if you can, but hard when working full time.

'He has been to few of these boys houses but we never reciprocated I'm ashamed to say.'

You need to reciprocate play dates in order to recieve more. Many times I have hosted playdates and never recieved any invites back, so I stopped inviting those children. Did have a few parents upset but i am not a free childminder! The only one I don’t mind is ds best friend as it’s easier for his mum as her other children have significant sen needs.

Exactly. I never personally bothered whether other parents reciprocated or not, but sometimes some kids are much more excited to go to another child’s house for the novelty factor, and say ‘I want to go to Jack’s house, I’m tired of him coming here all the time.’

Don't conflate 'excluded' with 'not invited', it will only be escalate something beyond what it is.

Your son, who has limited availability after school, hasn't been invited to a couple of after school get-togethers. These were arranged by a parent who's invited him previously and you haven't invited back.

It's honestly not a big deal. Not everything can include everyone.

You’ve answered your own question. You have to sort your house out and make the time. Or don’t and spend a lot of time and energy feeling guilty because you haven’t done those things

I'd imagine what the other parents want is an invitation for their kids for tea after school. They don't want to have to sit in the park or pay for soft play, or have to make conversation, they probably just want you to take their kid for a bit, like they did for your kid.

Also kids don't care about the state of your house as long as it's not filthy with rats running amok. My son around that age went to a friend's for a playdate for the first time and they lived in a mansion, we do not. He barely noticed, he did know they had a trampoline in their garden which we didn't. When I asked if the house was nice, he said 'it was alright' kids don't care

Well its up to you!!!

My son has a lot of friends and play dates. For years I have pushed myself to be welcoming and have hosted countless day time hang outs and sleepovers. Not what I particularly wanted to do but it has paid off and as a result he sees friends most weekend either here or at their houses.

you need to make more of an effort to host.

The earlier playdates were not drop off ones. But I take your point as others have said around need to reciprocate.
One of the mums brushed my invites aside and we met in the park a few times instead.

Firstly I'd say by the age of 8 there aren't a lot of party invites as the age of whole class parties has largely passed and kids mostly have smaller more individualised ones. It dropped dramatically for us at this age too.

Similarly at this age I'd be less keen on a trip to soft play or the park because at this age playdates are actually a break for me even if I'm hosting, as they entertain themselves. A joint trip out is much more effort and time consuming and again feels like something we used to do when the kids were younger. The exception is if it's a mum I'm friends with and want to see independently.

So yes, as others have said you need to bite the bullet and start hosting.

Thanks for the replies, helpful for me to get some perspective. I know it is up to me and I need to take control of my dump of a house and do the best for my DC. I just feel very stuck and helpless about it.

I understand most mums won't want to socialise and may see playdates as a convenience after school. I feel they would say no and decline my offer.

Well, it’s possible you just believe that because it lets you off the hook, isn’t it? You won’t know until, or unless, you try.

Yes I get I get that a trip out to soft play or wherever is more shared leisure time with friends.

"He has been to few of these boys houses but we never reciprocated I'm ashamed to say."

This is why op.

At 8 I'd give parents the option to stay with the kids or not, most kids at 8 would be happy to come without mum or dad.

And everyone's homes are so so different! Your worry over your home is affecting your child's friendships. 😔

Maybe we could support you in getting you feeling comfortable with your home? Is it clutter or dirty or both? Is it you think it needs decorating? Even just 15-30 minutes a day can help get on top of things.

My son has a few school friends and we take turns to host them all together, usually once every 4-6 weeks. The kids love it and we've always kept it fair in terms of hosting on a rota and around people's work/schedules.

Is the house really that bad? Because if it is, why do you think it's OK for your son to live like that?

Thank you this is helpful as I know it's my own anxiety creating this.

It's my worry about my home and that it is not up to standard. It's so cluttered and messy.

I guess it's normal levels of household mess and clutter - I am not a hoarder in anyway, and I keep the place clean but there is a lot of stuff and toys etc. Our house is much smaller than where his friends live too. I'm not looking for kicking when I'm already down thanks.

You seem to be framing it as personal snub against you, rather than the fact your child doesn't have friends.

He sounds like he's perfectly happy and busy. Your family is busy, so are others.

And it's not really worth the effort to start totting up playdates that may or may not have occurred amongst other people's children.