Playdates. Feeling left out.

[Noconfidenceleft]

I know I will sound helpless and pathetic on this but I have this as a constant anxiety. DS is 8 and generally happy at school. He has good friends and a couple of good friends he plays with a lot. I work full time and for 2 evenings per week he spends with his dad so time after school is usually limited with clubs and the like. He does get invited to birthdays but playdates are few and far between.

DS has a couple of friends outside of school through my friends which is all good. I occasionally have organised soft play or trips to the park with some of his school friends but one mum in particular always seems to be busy. Another mum has brushed off invites too. I have on a few occasions heard kids telling my DS that they had a playdate after school - most recently it sounded like one of the mums has had a whole series of playdates with a small group of boys that my son also plays with but on at least 3 occasions that I know of, my son has been excluded. I know I shouldn't get upset over this but it's hard not to be. He has been to few of these boys houses but we never reciprocated I'm ashamed to say. I know I could try and do the same but I am very anxious about the state of our home being in a perpetual mess and it's finding the time as well.

I know this is rambling and just want to do better for my DS. Any tips please.

Playdates at softplay/the park are for when you are actual friends with the parents. If you are not then I wouldn't accept them either at the age of 8.

Also if you never reciprocated a playdate at your home, I would also stop inviting your child over. He is being left out because you dont want to do any housework ad declutter.

My point wasn't to kick you when you are down, it was more to say that surely your house isn't that messy if you are happy for your child to live in it. You can definitely invite other children around, they generally don't care about a bit of mess. Maybe it's more the fear of rejection that worries you than the state of your house?

Well, it’s your mentality that’s getting in the way of your child’s social life, if it’s normal household mess. You can’t magic a bigger house. You say he’s happy and busy, but also that him not being invited on play dates is causing you constant anxiety.

So I suppose you just choose which discomfort to go with. Either you host play dates and manage your discomfort about your house, or you don’t host play dates and manage the discomfort that goes with that.

You need to reciprocate. At this age, no one wants to go meet at soft play or have a day out together. The days of hanging out with other parents just because you have children are over. Play dates are childcare at this point. If a few friends have had him over, now you invite them over. On a weekend or a school holiday if you can’t do immediately after school. Parents don’t come in your house. Mostly I don’t even get out of the car. Just wave and say thanks.

Really though, I don’t think most children are having loads of play dates at this age. There is some going over to a neighbour to play in the garden. Otherwise, I’d say my youngest (who’s 8) has maybe 4-5 play dates a year. That’s more than normal because one of his friends is going through cancer treatment so isn’t in school, so the only way he sees friends is if they come over to his. Where others see each other more, it’s because one parent is doing childcare for another.

Think of playdating like tennis, if you don’t knock the ball back, people assume you don't want to play. Tidy your house up, put your big girl pants on and invite some kids for play dates. Encourage your DS to play with everyone not just a small group, they can be cliquey.

You need to host and reciprocate.

I think you need to invite back if you want the children to have playdates! I always thought our house was scruffier than most of the friends houses but they always enjoyed coming, probably because it was so 'lived in'.

Not everyone can arrange their hours xx

I assume you got some time off. Weekend play dates.

Host some flippin’ play dates!!!

He was not ' excluded ' he just was not included.

Who picks him up from school ?
or does he go to after school club

if so how could he be invited ?

What is wrong with Saturdays ? I often did play dates then, and with a couple of children Sundays were acceptable too.

Of course but working 12 hour nightshifts, often on a weekend, so no weekends aren't always guaranteed.

I would however endeavour to ensure this wasn't the norm as extra job to my main one.

So yes I would do my best and take DC to play dates always but also arrange a lot to compensate for the times I can't take them. Xx

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself op. I've never walked into a new friends house and thought badly of them for a bit of clutter or mess, to be honest I've actually appreciated the honesty because it takes pressure off me to have my house sitting like pins on paper when they come round.

If it would make you feel more confident about it then pick a room a week and do a bit of a declutter so it feels manageable but what people tend to look for is that you're a good person who their kid will be safe around. And who they will feel safe around and not judged. And I'm sure you're ticking all those boxes already.

I'd start to try and lose track of the other play dates that are happening and remember that those parents might have a different connection with each other such as living close by or work or friends in common etc. I haven't really broached the idea of play dates because I'm a bit shy so in our house my son has those with my friends kids and we tend to spend the rest of our time being quite busy so it's not something we could do regularly especially as I'm a lone parent and I work a lot. I think there's more people in that boat than you'd think.

I host lots of play dates and they’re rarely reciprocated. As long as your son has fun it doesn’t matter. I have a small messy home!

It won't be on the radar of an 8 year old boy whst your house is like!

Tips? Host playdates and stop with the dramtic words like 'excluded' not being invited means not being invited it is not a thing

If you want a village, be a villager.

we host a lot of play dates, and yes, we are more likely to re-invite people who have reciprocated.

YABVU. Parents who never reciprocate playdates are just awful. Sorry.

You need to host some play dates

If you are worried about about a play date being at the house organise a trip out somewhere.
My two youngest were shy so sometimes felt overwhelmed without an activity. So we’d go somewhere.
Go Ape
Big swimming pool with slides
Theatre
Cinema & McDs

Get him to talk to his friends about it in school first so when you text the Mum there’s already been some chat about it with the boys.

“Hi Bev, Freddie and Angus were chatting about going to Go Ape, Would Angus like to go on Saturday 14th? Our treat”

It's the lack of reciprocity that's the problem here. You don't have to do like for like though - have you offered to take DS plus a friend out for a Saturday for example to the park or something like that? What I mean is that the location doesn't have to be at your house.

@Pernicketywishes has written the same as me! I'm just slower at typing my thoughts out!

I really don’t remember play dates being that deep. My DDs had bday party’s and got invited back. They played with local friends after school and occasionally invited friends to ours or went to others houses. I don’t really remember organising other than say yes or no when kids asked.

We are a family who live in a large house with a large garden. I’ve hosted bazillion of playdates throughout their primary school years. DS1 hardly ever got invites back so I periodically stopped inviting certain kids because it got me down. But there was one mum who invited DS1 for a sleepover occasionally. She was clearly socially quite akward and lived in a small HA house but she still did it and I wouldn’t dream to sneer at her circumstances.

You need to reciprocate. Try not to worry about the state of the house, but if you really can't get past that, then tidy the areas that will be used. If it's toys that make the most clutter, buy some stackable boxes that your son can help fill when clearing up his toys at the end of the day. Encourage him to play only with what's in one box rather then open up every box/get out all the toys. Alternatively, take them to the park, a soft play centre, the movies or somewhere age appropriate for them to enjoy. The other mums don't need to be present for you to take one or even two additional children out. I did it all the time.