How do you cope without family support?

[Neurodiversemom]

We have no family nearby and I’m finding the mental load relentless. I don’t expect help, but sometimes it feels very isolating. If you’re in the same boat, what made things feel more manageable?

We have an 11 year old and an 8 year old and have never had any family support. We make it work by making sure my husband and I work together. We make sure we know each other’s schedules and run any changes past each other. We have both had to consider childcare with jobs we’ve gone for and flexible jobs are essential. I made local friends when on maternity leave and luckily some have stuck and they support where needed but we do tend to manage most of it ourselves.

Prayer as the overwhelm , sadness and burn out is real. I have 2 autistic kids that need be home educated. Im home alone all day with them. Then they dont sleep early so cant even rely on bedtime peace.

Yes my brain is spinning constantly with all the logistics!! Even once it’s sorted it still takes up tons of mental energy. I work flexibly and term time now which helps a lot. We have supportive neighbours but there’s only so many times I can ask for help from other people - obviously I try to repay but that is exhausting too as means when I am off work, I have to look after extra kids!!!

That’s great it’s worked for you, but honestly we’ve found it really hard. Without any family support it often feels like we’re constantly firefighting, and flexibility isn’t always possible with work or childcare. I’m glad some people make it work smoothly, but for us it’s been a real struggle and doesn’t feel sustainable most days.

I am a single parent with only my dad left (more like a large child than the child tbh). I found making friends with people who were also single mum's very helpful. We used to get together and have the kids play at a different house each week, do stuff on weekends use each other for babysitting etc. Often one of us can do something the others can't - changing tyres/DIY/carpentry stuff etc - so we also skill swap. It has been invaluable tbh. It's still a bit annoying seeing other people moan about how tough it is when they have a husband and both sets of parents coming in with shopping/mowing lawns/childcare but it is so much better with a group.

It sucks and it’s why we’re moving home after 15 years of living abroad. I want my parents around, and I want my DC to grow up with their cousins.

I really feel this. The overwhelm, sadness and burnout are very real. It can feel incredibly lonely and relentless, especially doing it largely on your own. You’re not weak for feeling this way, it’s genuinely hard.

That honestly sounds like such a lifeline. Building a little community with people who truly get it makes such a difference, especially when you’re doing this without real family backup. It’s really encouraging to hear that finding “your people” can make things feel so much more manageable.

No support whatsoever here, it’s just Me and DH with our 3 DCs. We cope but occasionally I just feel sad they have no other family input (despite DHs entire large family living just 5 minutes away - but that’s a whole different thread).
We absolutely adore our DCs and our world truly revolves around them, but I do get pangs of jealousy when friends mention going away without DCs or even a date night. What’s a date night! (It’s been that long).

For us I think it's by being very realistic with what we can do. We never considered having more than 2 and I expect to be part time for a while. There's only so much we are willing to commit to with extra curriculars.

The main thing I've had to learn is not to compare myself to people that do have family support. The fact that I can't do many of the things they can is not a personal failing, just different circumstances.

But to answer your question, we’ve only been able to make it work because DH has a very flexible job, and we live in a country with (relatively) cheap childcare.
e.g. If there is a sick child, you can book a nurse to come to your house for 3€ per hour (subsidised by Govt of course!) to take care of them. Daycare is not awful, approx 1/6 of our combined take home pay. Cheap cleaners (govt subsidised) for 9€/hour and they will also do laundry and ironing. We’re obviously not in the UK, and pay extremely high income tax for all this.

I cut my hours to very part time. We were drowning both working full time and trying to keep on top of house, kids and pets. Our DCs have additional needs and just in the past 2 weeks we've had 3 hospital appointments, 2 sick days and 2 meetings during the day at school. It was impossible to manage it all when we were both full time.

We aren’t in this position but have a few friends who are and I know they would say that having a good village of friends can be just as good as family. We as a friendship group really do all help each other as much as we can and are happy to do so! One of the families with no family support we do one weekend a month where their kids stay with us, gives the parents some time to themselves each month. We are all always happy to do nursery/school pick ups/cover sick days, between all of us, all with different jobs and different shifts there is basically always someone available to swoop in if needed. It is so true that it takes a village but that village does not have to be family x

That’s a really good point about not comparing. I’ve had trouble finding the time to exercise regularly since having DC#3. My friend back home who also has 3 DC seems to manage frequent 10km runs, Pilates classes, weight sessions at the gym… I know she works full time so I just couldn’t figure out how she managed? It’s always before dinner and her DH isn’t home yet.
Turns out her mum comes over every afternoon/evening to take the kids while she does her workout. It was very hard to keep a straight face when she was telling me that it’s ’just about priorities’ and motivation.
Very easy when your mum is around to do childcare every day!

I love her and I try not to be bitter or jealous, but it’s very hard no to compare when others have seemingly unlimited family support whenever they want.

I have another friend who didn’t even know how much daycare cost because her parents have taken care of her two DC, 5 days per week 7:30-6pm until they both reached school age. Now they do all the school drop offs and pick ups 😱 I don’t want to think about the money we could have saved if we had that level of support. However, I would never expect that if my parents, they have their own lives to lead.

There's only me, no grandparents on either side, no other family in this country. I don't know where my daughter's father is, he left whilst I was still pregnant. I don't know where his family is, the ones who aren't dead, any way.

I can only do it by working in a school and having no time to myself, basically. Illness and accidents fuck it up somewhat.

We don't have family support at all but I'm a sahm and DH's work is flexible enough to help with the juggling. I feel like I always have a long list of things to do but things mostly get done (sometimes they don't and moostly have found a way to sort themselves out anyway). It helps that school and DH's work is very local so we aren't spending ages commuting and DH is around in the mornings for getting the dcs ready and back in time for a family dinner. For us that was an important reason not to move out to the suburbs when we had kids. A lot of mums I know are doing it solo through the week as the dad only just gets home for bedtime.

We aren't really friendly enough with other parents to do childcare swaps but I'm not sure I'd want the burden of looking after even more kids anyway. We do pay for things like holiday camps and some after school activities so that gives me a bit more child-free time.

I think not comparing yourself to others is the key.
I was envious of those whos parents could drop by and offer real help and support.
We did have some help but not as much or as good a quality as that of a lot of my friends. By that I mean everyone was always wanting to visit but not offer real, practical help. My ex fil and mil have only ever once in their entire lives taken one of our dcs out. That was just the one child and think along the lines of B&Q so hardly a treat for dc.
It is very hard.
I had to take a career break then go part time in a low paid job which fitted in with childcare.
My ‘career’ ended quite frankly.
I also think it added to the break down of my marriage, both of us said this.
At least when your DCs are adult they will be close to you and you can be proud of what you have achieved.

Single (lone) mom here to 3 including a set of twins one with complex medical needs. I don’t have a village. Nearest family is 4 hours away and ex husband left when twins were barely out of newborn stage.

there is no “we” there is just “me” and I work full time in a demanding job involving long commutes.
how do I make it manageable?! I have a very good before/after school childminder who is worth more than any ex husband. I lowered standards a long time ago. I batch cook, small short bursts of life admin like washing cleaning tidying etc. keep on top of things a little bit each day then they don’t become big overwhelming jobs

My parents are dead and we manage the same as everyone else does 🤷‍♀️ the kids are ours and our responsibility and when you have kids that’s what you take on. Why would anyone else be helping you do your job?

Tbh, the only thing that is getting me through the final few years over here is the knowledge it isn’t forever. (13 and 17, both diagnosed ND). It hasn’t got easier, it’s actually become more challenging the older they got in our case, but one is almost officially an adult now and I know we’ve done our absolute best all the way through. It’s really tough though, I used to feel so envious when observing others who had multiple childcare options, and whose families clearly loved and valued them.

I wouldn’t consider the honour of spending quality time with grandchildren a “job” that I was doing for my adult children, more a pleasure and privilege. Maybe it comes down to perspective.

My MIL used to go on at me that other people managed - making me feel awful at times. However it always turned out they had extensive family support facilitaling what ever it was. Even if we'd lived closer IL didn't want to help with childcare - fair enough they were both working full time and MIl not keen on kids so wouldn't be our first choice but to then pick faults that I couldn't do more was irritating.

I also had argument with friend who managed to get back to work with kids but while she paid her mother she didn't pay market rates - and when I pointed out cost to us - she insited it was wrong as if I had done the reseach and asked another mother to be told I was right.

It was hardest when we lived in an area where everyone had extenisve famly support - so HCP often refused to understand we didn't have that.

Dsis was single parent with first which was really hard on her but she had extensive family support could even leave her eldest and get away on weekends and hoildays and evening courses - which I was envious of at times - she ended up second time single parent and due to age ill health and an indifferent ex family it's been so much harder second time due to lack of support - honestly don't know how she does it.

Im a single mum of ND DC and toddler. As my username implies, we're all poorly rn. I've no family or friends that could or would help. I am exhausted and basically running on fumes, coffee and hope. It's super hard, it has it's great moments too but it is relentless!

Its the same as everything else now having your parents or family support makes a huge difference these days to if you can afford to buy a house, get an education, get started in a career, extra financial support, support with childcare it makes a huge difference to your financial circumstances, your ability to work, the stress and mental load you have and even to your marriage if there is someone who will take the kids for a night or a weekend now and then.

If you don't have that life is a lot harder.

A lot of my peers have admitted that they wouldn't have continued in their jobs if it wasn't for grandparents providing some childcare help. Sadly it does make a real difference.

I was also upset with my MIL who kept lecturing me about how she "just got on with it" only to learn later that she'd had some help from her in laws. Some people do take this help for granted if you ask me.