How do you cope without family support?

[Neurodiversemom]

We have no family nearby and I’m finding the mental load relentless. I don’t expect help, but sometimes it feels very isolating. If you’re in the same boat, what made things feel more manageable?

Reading the original post and comments, I am in awe of those without support and working hard in and outside the home, raising children, maintaining relationships etc. Times have definately changed. Just reading what you do, confirms to me that I couldn't have done it. You are a tough generation.

I'm sat here reflecting on my experiences as a mother to young children 30 years ago. I was the first of my siblings to go move away from family to go to university and get a professional job. So no family help when we had our 2 DC. I took a career break when they were little then retrained as a teacher when they started secondary school. I spent years longing to go back to my previous career in the City but accepted this wasn't something I could manage with 2 x young children and all that comes with them; sickness, homework, school events etc. DH, a higher earner carried on working. Now here's the thing, we could afford to do this as houses were much cheaper as was the cost of living. Our situation was not unusual within our group of friends.

Going back a generation to my parents and grandparents. It was usually the Mums who stayed at home and did all the housework, childcare etc. I remember my Mum going out as soon as Dad came home from work. She took on a cleaning job for several offices in the town. Speaking to her years later, she would have loved a job as a Secretary but it wasn't to be.

Every woman deserves to have a family and pursue a career if that's what they want but the expectation to do it all worries me. My 2 x DC have professional careers with antisocial hours (Drs) and they freely admit they couldn't do it without grandparent help. Both sets are on hand for regular weekly childcare and support during on-call and night shifts. Our DC are incredibly grateful.

We are on the other side of this now. Getting through it was tough and the envy of people who had support was corrosive.
We made sacrifices, a lot. I worked part time. Both of us had a periods at work were we didnt make great career progress because there was no " staying on and being a team player" the team that mattered was our family.
Sometimes I took the kids on holiday on my own, and also they learned allsorts of skills because there were no opportunities to get on with things without them being around.
We are now as a result a close family with a lot of time for each other and our kids are very secure and confident individuals. They are the capable ones in their friendship groups and great organisers. I strongly believe this is because they were never sidelined and what we did necessitated their active involvement.

Wow where can I find this village? It is not like this where I live. I suspect though it is the type of place where people grow and up stay so most I know have their own family networks.

With great difficulty tbh, single mum here, we're all neuro diverse as well.

It's hard.

Not necessarily at all.

Our 'village' came from the fact we knew lots of people and were both people who volunteered and joined things, and always offered to help others. We therefore had no qualms about accepting help from other people when we needed it. Of course we didn't have the hang ups of so many MNer who spout the ridiculous phrase about "I wouldn't leave my child with a random stranger" and other similar nonsense. Nor did we ever count how many lifts we gave to people or kept score or and kind any tallies of who had invited our child somewhere or who hadn't given our child a lift even though we gave their child a lift. "Villagers" don't come knocking on your door, you create the relationships and you just believe in the idea of 'trying to make the world a slightly better place' by offering what you can, when you can. You then find the world actually is quite a nice place.

Another sole parent here with a preschooler and a job and very limited family support. It's so hard! Everyone thinks you are fine but I feel like my insides are a ball of chaos and anxiety some days as well as guilt. I feel like I don't even have time to build up a village as work hours mean I don't meet other parents.

So in answer to the OPs question, I just about cope because I have to!

I try to focus on what we do have, rather than what we lack. We have flexible jobs, great supportive friends, and a brilliant DC. We live in a place that we love and enjoy our lives. There are loads of things we don’t have that others do, including but not limited to family around who help us, but why waste time bemoaning that?

I have a teen and have been a lone mum since he was 2, no support from ex or anyone else.

I prioritise. Basics come first. Food, warmth, security, money, time to focus on ds every day. That means working full time, early mornings, involving ds in everyday choices, chores, cooking, never having a day off etc.

We work as a team now he is older, and have done since he was about 10. Before that I shrunk my world down to cover the basics, and then added in whatever else I could manage.

My house has never been a show home - cooking a hot healthy meal has always come before hoovering, and my social life didn't exist for the first 10 years because ds couldn't be left. I went running in lunchtimes. Didn't waste a moment of the day.

It's hard work, but it can be done. I'm just coming out of it now. Ds finished school yesterday. I'll never do a schoolrun again. Or a parent's evening. It feels slightly odd, knowing all those rules no longer apply. 😊

@JustGiveMeReason my village/friends are like that too 😊

We met when our first babies were 6-8 weeks old, meeting up regularly at baby groups. We then moved onto coffee and nights out then babysitting and sleepovers. They were the ones I asked to babysit at the drop of a hat and vice versa.

None of us have lived here all our lives and although some had family support available, we all wanted to have people we could ask to pick the kids up from nursery/school in an emergency so made a real effort to get to know each other from the start.

A few dropped away over the years but some of us still meet up regularly (although at 22-23 those babies now no longer need babysitting!) 😁

I've probably said it before but I think people in our situation should try to deliberately cultivate friendships with others that don't have family nearby.

I must admit that I'm looking at those cooing "Well it's just me.....and DH" a bit askance!

Try being a single mum who's NC with her family- oh, and also ND and perimenopausal! And despite the fact that I have friends, I really really don't have a "village". Having ND DC tends to mean that they don't effortlessly pal up with other kids, so there are less swapped playdates/ sleepovers. Bar the odd liftshare setup for extracurriculars , I do it ALL on my own.

For me, the answer was childcare. Alllll the childcare. And also, honestly, being on benefits and working part time. I've just upped my workload as DS2 is coming to the end of primary school, but it's been a tricky transition- I've just got another P/T job which I love and which is well paid, but it's long hours and does mean he's on his own at home for longer than I'd like. And I'm exhausted and the house is filthy.

Also, ignore any non essential demands from primary school. They seem to rely on the unpaid labour of mothers a lot, but I refuse to play that game.

I was a single mum to five, with all family 350 miles away (moved for my XHs job, more fool me!). All I can say was that I endured. I leaned on friends a lot, not for childcare but for company - we'd buddy up and do housework or laundry at one person's house, then go to another's and do theirs.Nights were horrible, none of my children were good sleepers and we were too broke to hire in help. I used to go to bed very very early and read books for escape!

We moved 4 hours away from family when our children were 10,7,4,2 and a newborn. We moved so our son could go to a specialist school for autism. DH worked away all week and I was a SAHM. It's scary moving to a place where you don't know a soul - I realised quickly that if I was going to survive I had to make some friends and build a network. Luckily, people are friendly here in Wales and I soon made some good friends which was a lifesaver!

What helped was being very organised and having a good routine. Because DH was away all week, I got used to relying on myself. I made sure I got out of the house to baby groups, storytime at the library, met other mums at the park & got involved in my children's school. A few years in I had a whole bunch of friends and we would help each other out when necessary. There were some tough times when the children were ill etc and I felt stretched too thin - but on the whole I look back on those days as an enjoyable and simpler time. I did make sure mine were in bed at a reasonable time so I had a few hours to myself in the evening!

Sounds like I’ve found my people 👏🏼👋🏼

Just me, DH and 1DC. DH works at sea for 50% of the year. Our family all live within our town but choose not to be involved with DC.

We made the choice that I would go PT at work and put DC into nursery 3 days. Since starting school I’ve had to drop hours again as unfortunately the out of school care isn’t an option currently.

I can’t lie, it’s very lonely. We live in a small town and don’t know a single other family in real life with no family support.

I had DC during lockdown and was the first of my friends to have DC. When we came out of lockdown they all understandably wanted to get back to normal - always out, always on group holidays etc - and my life was suddenly very different so we naturally just grew apart. They couldn’t understand not being able to (or wanting to) just leave DC at the drop of a hat for a long weekend to go away with friends etc.

I struggle with joining groups etc as I can commit while DH is here, but while he’s away I have no childcare unless we were to use babysitters etc but to be honest, I would feel guilty leaving DC with someone else to do something for myself.

I have a few mum friends that I’ve met through DCs nursery/school and the amount of family support they have does make me feel jealous sometimes. They have family that want to help and want to put time into their DCs which is lovely. And I do find that they really to struggle to understand our situation and the lack of support we actually have.

How old are your children OP? There are some relentless years at the start having no support around. I've found it's gotten easier as the children started school though and could do more for themselves. It's hard when you see others having support too but comparison is the thief of joy as they say.

DH works away about 50% of the time. For me what helped was:

• strong communication with my partner and making sure we shared the load, even when he was away he could help out in many ways. Reading the bedtime story on a video call for example! My wider family have also been known to chat to the kids on the phone whilst I have a coffee. Even when they're far away they can support in some ways.
• bringing up our family as a team. The children are expected to help out around the house, clear up after themselves and basically contribute to both the mental and physical load (if your littles are little I recommend a song called 'notice and do' by mama nous.) So we do things like 20 minutes of after dinner jobs where laundry is put on or away, the dining area is cleaned and vacuumed, the dishwasher emptied and reloaded etc. Often means there's little to nothing left after bedtime and the adults actually get time in the evening
• on the same note, I'm pretty strict on bedtimes. - we've always had a quiet hour in the afternoon even after they dropped naps.
• batch cooking is great. Kids are 7&5 now and once a week after school they help me prep something that'll fill the freezer like bolognese or chili or fajita mix or something.
• dramatically lower expectations about the state of the house, how much you can achieve in a day/week etc
• don't try and keep up with the Jones's. Might work for other families to be doing multiple clubs/activities per week but doesn't work for us. The children can choose one thing per week each, and then I take them swimming. That's it.
• building a village of friends so we could do babysitting swaps (hit and miss, but certainly was grateful when it worked!)
• making the schedule work for us. Going out for dinner or finding time to spend with DH was tough sometimes, so we'd meet for lunch when the kids were at school/childcare/it was a working day instead of an evening date night
• organising our finances so we could take the full whack of parental (unpaid) leave each year to help cover the school holidays. Means we're a bit more broke every month but takes the stress off finding/funding holiday clubs and we enjoy the time together tbh
• DH and I have a solo weekend each year where we can go off alone, the other stays home with the kids. Totally up to you what you do. Helpful mental reset to have a friday-sunday where you're not beholden to anyone but yourself

The thing I'd love is a weekend with my husband. We really weren't married long before the first baby arrived and haven't had much time as a couple rather than as a family. But it'll come. Not the season for that right now.

Mainly I've found that mindset really helps. So many people tell me I'll look back on these years fondly and wish I could return to them that I try and focus on the positives more than the exhaustion. Some days are tougher than others though 🤪😅

I’ve been in the same situation, no support network whatsoever. We just had to take it day by day. There’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel as my eldest is 18 soon, but it’s been rough. The cost has been my health, in every respect. I’m not well physically or mentally and we’ve been in survival mode as a family for years. I’m very, very proud of us for doing it in isolation. It takes more grit and determination than you know you have within you. I expect the next chapter of my life will be about trying to recover. I realise this sounds quite dramatic, but it’s true nonetheless. You will make it through.

Edit to add: I also agree with what others have shared about acceptance. It’s so much harder if you stay upset about what you wish you had. I found that reminding myself, “This is what we have to work with, these are our resources and limitations”, helped so much in finding the way forward.