Parents to older kids, please enlighten me

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I have a 2 year old and it goes without saying, I love him to bits, but it's motherhood I don't like. I struggled so much with PND and anxiety when he was born (we had a lot of infertility trauma, 5 rounds of IVF and a miscarriage) so when he entered the world, I had a lot to process.
I now feel like I'm suffocating with the responsibility of parenthood. I feel like there's always something going on which causes anxiety (separation anxiety, sleep regressions, tantrums, teething, being ill all the time, bedtime battles) just as you get over one hurdle, you're onto the next. My nervous system is shot!
I keep hearing people say "it's a phase and then you move onto the next" - that unsettles me, I hate the relentlessness of it all. I know the baby and toddler years are intense! They're developing, they have so much to learn, you have to teach them everything, so I guess I'm wondering what life is like when they're 4+. Do things start to settle?

Surely there must be more enjoyment? I imagine communication really helps. I just want my son to be my best buddy, at the moment I don't know if he'll enjoy our activity or have an absolute meltdown, making me question all my life choices.
I'm almost scared of him 🫣 I try my best to keep him happy and that's probably where I'm going wrong. I know I need to lower my expectations.

It's even like the idea of going on holiday doesn't sound fun. The sleep is all over the place when we're away, my husband doesn't want to go abroad until he's older. Will we be able to go on holiday one day and actually have fun?
Sorry, I know this all sounds ridiculous 😞 there's so much I have to accept as just being motherhood, but I guess I'm looking for some reassurance x

Mine are 11 and 8 now. Lots of logistics are much easier - no push chairs/nappies/naps to factor into days out. Much less of the unpredictable sick days disrupting work and if they are off school they can watch a film while I check emails.
Life can still be challenging, loud and expensive though.
I am not best friends with either of them - that is because they are children and I am an adult. Wanting to be best friends with your child sounds like a lot of pressure on you both, I can understand where it's coming from but I think it's just not realistic. Two year olds and adults enjoy different things and that's completely normal

We can do more things together than when they were two though. I've taken my older one to the theatre and cinema to see things I want to see that I think he will enjoy too. He can stay at home by himself if I need to pop out for a bit.
It's ok to find your child's behaviour difficult and to need a break. My children are very loud, especially together, and I'm a quiet person so it's normal for me to find that difficult.

Do you get much of a break from your child or have any hobbies/interests that don't involve him?
I find I'm a much better parent when I have other people to talk to/other activities to do. This was especially true when they were toddlers.

I recommend the book 'why mummy drinks' as an antidote to social media 'mummy's best friend/mini me' etc. although it's about older children.

I could have written your post. My DS is also 2. We are already having better days. Lower your expectations. Yes he will have melt downs etc and it's nothing you are doing, it's just he is 2. Let go of the control. Set boundaries stick to them and go from there.

Haven’t rtft however the early years are so, so hard. Things do get more and more easier as they get older, although emotionally they still tax you for longer.

Be careful striving for a best buddy. You need to be seen as a parent by them first and foremost, then you can relax and enjoy them more. If you don’t get that initial respect as a parent, then they will be harder work all round.

Oh and there is no such thing as a perfect parent so forgive yourself for mistakes. We can only try our best and we don’t always get it right.

As mum to a 20yo Ds ^ this post is bang on.

youre not friends, you’re his mum. You have a responsibility to give him the tools to be successful

it gets easier in some ways, ie you don’t have to be physically involved in every second of their lives, but with that freedom they get, when they’re ready to take it, comes great responsibility and it’s our job to help them learn to shoulder it

you never stop worrying/thinking of them, but seeing the man he’s become is one of my biggest achievements in life. I’m so proud of my boy

you do the best you can, you keep yourself accountable and honest and you love him. Just loving him and making sure he knows this will go a huge way to help him grow and mature into a successful person

My DS just turned 5. Yes it gets much, much easier. I’d say the turning point was 4 and a half. Tantrums stopped, I was able to have conversations with him and actually started enjoying his company. It started to feel like we were doing things together rather than just me looking after him all the time. We even went abroad on holiday last summer just the two of us and had a great time. I’ve been a single parent since he was 1.5 and yeah 2 and 3 were tough. He really is my best buddy now though. Things that helped were going to lots of toddler groups, making mum friends, creating firm boundaries, not putting to much pressure on myself to “do things right”, you just have to try your best and that is enough. Bedtime used to be a nightmare if I’d try and put him to bed at 7, he was never tired enough so I’d put him to bed at 9 instead and he went straight to sleep then slept in til 9 the morning. Just do whatever makes things easiest for both of you

My son looks back with fondness on the days we had ‘bips and bobs’ for tea, the times he texted me to ask me to pick him up a meal deal or a random treat from Tescos Bargain Corner (reduced section) 🤣

My DS is an adult now but yes they continue to go through phases and some of it is rough but in the main there was a lot of fun (as well as rows and crying).

It got a lot easier once he was 4. I think the toddler years are hard because they are trying to exercise their agency and independence and they can't

My DS is an only (I have a DSD but they weren't raised together) and he's still my favourite and most fun person!

Exercise. The teen years will go so much better if you make sure they have physical exercise to help them cope with hormones

my Ds was 15 in the pandemic, that was tough. 15-17 was tricky as he wanted more freedom than I felt was reasonable for him to have.

of course NOW he gets it, but at the time it wasn’t easy. My Ds started to learn to box, that’s what transformed his life/body/mindset.

me and my oh now go to the same gym as ds with the same trainer and we’re all the better for it.

Like you, I had a hard journey to motherhood, with loss along the way. It leaves a long legacy that shouldn't be discounted.

Mine are now 7 and 5 and honestly, it's like being on a constant holiday compared to having toddlers. I know lots of people who say 'it never gets any easier!' about parenting and obviously if that's their experience it's their experience, but I can't relate to it at all.

For me the huge turning points were when everyone was out of nappies and when everyone slept through (sadly in our case it was in that order!). The other, less obvious thing is that they've just got more interesting over time. We can play a card game as a family now, or watch a film. The 7 year old, in particular, can sit and have genuinely interesting chats with you. But also they can do things on their own for much longer. I can actually sit and read a book while being the only adult in the house, or chat to my husband when we're both in. I remember the days when that felt completely impossible. We went on holiday to Rome with them last year and it was honestly one of the best holidays I've ever had - their wonder and amazement enhanced everything.

I occasionally look at pictures of when they were tiny and feel a pang of longing for those chubby little cheeks. Then I remind myself of the reality of tiny ones, and count my current blessings instead!

It depends on the child. My first was very easy to parent at 2 except a difficult few weeks potty training. My younger one continues to be challenging at school age but she can do much more herself now and they don't get ill as much the older they get. There are different challenges as they get older but they aren't so physically exhausting and they sleep better.

I'm sure things will get better for you.

I'm not sure "enjoyment" is the best way to think about parenting.

Some people are enjoyable to be around. Some...aren't...

No kid is perfect but I found it gets a lot easier once youngest DC is about 5. You can go on holiday without having to take everything except kitchen sink. They seem to listen a bit more to what you say and the explanation you give. They are a bit more independent with dressing, toileting etc. They play more with others instead of always wanting Mum to play. They develop more personality so more interesting.

I have 2 adult children , I’ve enjoyed it all but the baby years were definitely to me the easiest part . WRT holidays we always enjoyed holidays with ours but then we simply changed our habits and did holidays that they enjoyed , even from being babies like Disney , other theme parks and when they were a bit older added in city breaks , neither of ours ever wanted to spend more than about an hour on the beach or by a swimming pool .

My DC are late 20s now. A tip for you, don't try and be their 'best buddy'. You are a parent so be loving, guide them. They are your child/ren, not your friend.

I honestly went through hell with my son from 0-3, I genuinely just thought I must not be cut out for motherhood, that I was failing etc. He’s 5 and a half now and life has genuinely been a dream since he was closer to turning 4. I absolutely love life with him - we’ve been on so many lovely travels, we have genuine fun together, we have shared interests/hobbies that we enjoy. He has his moments (usually more getting in trouble at school!) but it really does get better 🩵

Ps I’m now due a baby girl next week and about to enter the trenches all over again, so wish me luck

I felt like this OP. Absolutely exhausted and my nervous system was on high alert all the time. Even going out for a simple activity felt like a huge achievement and then onto the next task.
I now know it was linked to my pnd, traumatic birth, and lack of understanding from those around me about how I really felt. It took until he was 3 for me to start exhaling and begin to unwind all the tension in my body and mind.
Don't underestimate the impact and trauma a tricky journey to motherhood can have on your nervous system. And don't beat yourself up for not loving every minute either. It's really hard, and if you're feeling fragile it's hard to see an end in sight.
When I had my 2nd I was much better prepared for it all and was much much gentler on myself. Be kind to yourself OP, you're doing a brilliant job, and you need to give yourself a bit of time and grace.

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned I can't tell you how much I appreciate your post. Just the idea of being able to chat with my son and play cards together, that's what makes me happy 🥰 at the moment, I'm just trying to find any activity that keeps him entertained but obviously for me, it's so dull... And I'm so glad to hear that you could go on holiday and it was actually enjoyable! That gives me hope too 🙏🏼

@WanderlustMom , your post just resonated so much to me. I tell my husband on a weekly basis that I'm obviously just not cut out to be a mum 😔 even though my son has the best life possible and I give him everything I can. I feel like I'm failing because I struggle with the relentlessness of it all. It's so reassuring to hear that you felt as low as I did, but you have now come out the other side. And the fact that you do things together that you both enjoy, sounds like a dream to me 🥰 I can't wait to have this. That takes a lot of weight off my shoulders 🙏🏼so thank you ❤️

@SE20schools this is exactly it, my nervous system is shot! I feel like everything is a trigger, I feel so on edge. But with everyone's kind words of support, I feel like I will breath again 🙏🏼 I feel a lot better! so thank you ❤️