Parents to older kids, please enlighten me

[SendHelpandSnacks]

I have a 2 year old and it goes without saying, I love him to bits, but it's motherhood I don't like. I struggled so much with PND and anxiety when he was born (we had a lot of infertility trauma, 5 rounds of IVF and a miscarriage) so when he entered the world, I had a lot to process.
I now feel like I'm suffocating with the responsibility of parenthood. I feel like there's always something going on which causes anxiety (separation anxiety, sleep regressions, tantrums, teething, being ill all the time, bedtime battles) just as you get over one hurdle, you're onto the next. My nervous system is shot!
I keep hearing people say "it's a phase and then you move onto the next" - that unsettles me, I hate the relentlessness of it all. I know the baby and toddler years are intense! They're developing, they have so much to learn, you have to teach them everything, so I guess I'm wondering what life is like when they're 4+. Do things start to settle?

Surely there must be more enjoyment? I imagine communication really helps. I just want my son to be my best buddy, at the moment I don't know if he'll enjoy our activity or have an absolute meltdown, making me question all my life choices.
I'm almost scared of him 🫣 I try my best to keep him happy and that's probably where I'm going wrong. I know I need to lower my expectations.

It's even like the idea of going on holiday doesn't sound fun. The sleep is all over the place when we're away, my husband doesn't want to go abroad until he's older. Will we be able to go on holiday one day and actually have fun?
Sorry, I know this all sounds ridiculous 😞 there's so much I have to accept as just being motherhood, but I guess I'm looking for some reassurance x

This is probably the best bit of advice on parenting ive ever heard, and feel totally the same way since having my second

Agree with others here. Things significantly improve from 4 when you can really have a chat with them and they are a bit less of a liability around the house (and more likely to be sleeping!). Then immeasurably better from 8 (holidays, going for walks, more self regulating and a lot more fun) and then again from 11 even more fun (days out, watching telly, listening to music and having a laugh together). Plus at home you just are not their slave so much, and can do your own thing if you want. So, the hardest work is now and you have much to look forward to!

Its hard, then a bit easier, then you relax and then they turn into teenagers where its a different kind of hard again. Its a long haul, so enjoy the little things like a peaceful cuddle or when they fall asleep on your lap.

I’ve got older kids. I had the idea beforehand that parenthood would and should be very worthy and well done, but got to probably the second month of my son’s life before thinking I’ve just got to be myself and not live up to any made up standard. So I was then doing it my way and it was far easier.

There’s such a huge pressure on parents to be everything now. Seventies parents would literally lob their offspring out of the door each day to go and play whatever and wherever they wanted. Now it’s thinking about never saying no in case you ruin their psyche because X book says that will happen. Or playing a musical instrument in the early years to make them a quantum physicist when they’re older. You get the picture. It’s tough. Parenting advice is literally an industry, remember that when you’re made to feel inadequate.

When your kids are young you’re in the trenches, but it does get easier I promise. Just relax and be yourself, don’t expect kids to be thrilled by everything because they won’t be, the more you want something to be amazing the more pressure there will be and they definitely have a paddy then! I recall those days! It does end.

Once they get to the point where they can have a reasonable conversation about something that is beyond their immediate needs/interests, kids are great. IIRC, ds was about 5, dd was 4.

Mine are now 15 and 17. They are growing into wonderful young adults. The golden years were between 6 and 12. So much fun before the pressures of exams etc.

@SendHelpandSnacksyou are in the trenches right now. 2 is hard, hard work. But trust me, you have so much to look forward to.

And to all the parents of little ones…hold their little hands. My teen dc are wonderful but, by goodness, I miss the feeling of a little hand in mine.

It's all really individual. Mine were both really easy 2 year olds, but obviously that isn't universal. Other people found the newborn bit much easier than we did with DD1 and social media seemed to be flooded with people who looked happy with their babies, which only made it worse.

I chose not to look into teething and sleep regressions, maybe we were just lucky, but I think that not looking for these things is protective in itself. And mine weren't ill much.

In contrast, I've got a challenging 11 year old, 2 was a piece of cake in comparison. I think it's probably payback for the easier early years.

Things get better !! Mine are 17, 13 and 8. We have the minor ups and downs of school life/ sibling bickering but overall it's a breeze compared to the toddler years. You definitely do need more emotional resilience with teens though, I will say that 🥲

Surely there must be more enjoyment?

True story. This very evening.

Son 16 asked if he could cook steak for tea. Son 19 says "Dad, if you get us sirloin me and [his girlfriend] will cook". DH goes to shop and buys sirloin steaks and peripheral ingredients.

Son 16 then pipes up that he cooks a better steak than his brother. Their follows 30 minutes of good-natured and heartening to watch competition around cooking steak two different ways by the two brothers.

In this time Daughter 20 and her boyfriend arrive in the kitchen for 'advice'. And Daughter 11 is called when the dishes were served, for tasting. In all, 8 of us sit around the table all tasting from the different plates and praising both boys.

I felt like I was in a dream. All four of my children encouraging each other, a house full that included their partners and evidence of developing healthy relationships. And to top it all not only did DH and I not have to cook, but the children actively wanted to cook for us and their siblings.

Makes me want to gloat.

I used to have three children under 4yo. I know how hard it is. It does get easier.

Swings and roundabouts.

They become more gobby and less cute... but then at least they develop some sense of self-preservation so you're not constantly on edge anticipating disaster.

They also develop a sense of humour... which is great until what they find funny is their toddler sibling's tantrum. So you have one child lying on the ground shrieking with rage and the other shrieking with laughter.

I’m also the mother of an only child boy. I too found the early stages very hard. I hated all the parts of my life that motherhood had stopped and had an interesting mixture of duty, love and secret resentment towards my little boy.

My lad is now 14 and I love him more than anyone ever. He’s got more & more wonderful as he’s grown. He does outdoorsy stuff with his dad, and cultural stuff with me, and his own stuff with his lovely friends. Talking helps, school helps, being toilet trained helps. And holidays are ‘same shit, different location’ for a while, but they get better too.

Agree that you don’t need to aim for him to be your best buddy - I do plenty of nagging - but having said that, we’ve had an evening of total giggles over something hilarious he said earlier, just like you would with your best mate, so it’s a balance!

Hang in there. It gets so much easier- eventually

You have been through a lot, have you spoken to anyone about it? I've also found parenting hard after IVF etc, recently started speaking to a therapist for something unrelated but its all started coming out. And I feel a lot better for it.

4 is definitely easier than 2 btw, we had months of summer without any illnesses. The last sick day they had from school I could still work while they slept or watched a film. They can wipe their own bum!

@SendHelpandSnacks it may come sooner than you think, my 6 year old old DD absolutely loves Traitors and we save them up and watch them with her on the weekend. She is weirdly spot on with all her predictions.

to be honest there is always something to worry about but I find as they get older the problems aren’t always yours to fix. For example I always worry about things going on with her friendships in school but they are things that I just have to step back and let her learn to navigate. Definitely feels less relentless as they get older.

Take note of the comment: "You are not supposed to be Best Buddies with your kids". Never treat your teen DD as your sister or your mate to go to gigs with. You are a Parent.
You are not required to be perfect. They are not failing if they don't score on the Development sheets.
They are tougher in many ways than we think. They will surprise you especially if you give them space.

I too found 4 easier and better than 2, but the very best years with both my DSs was their teens.

You need a life and identity outside motherhood. Don't lose yourself.

A few things that help me:

• You don't need to be your child's friend, you need to be their parent
• Your child doesn't need to be happy all the time

It helps to remove some of the guilt and emotion when they have meltdowns, taking that "fear" out of the situation. Also, I find that when I have firm boundaries in place, my child is actually happier, she just needs to test where they are.

I'd forget about the 'best buddy' business, and also about making him happy. Your husband should be your best buddy, and you don't have to lay on entertainment for a baby or toddler.

All they want is your company and your attention. They love you to bits, and they love everything about you - your voice, your face, your hands, your eyes, your hair, your arms around them... and the safe feeling they get when you're there. That's why you get the full force of the tantrums.

Just do ordinary things with him in tow - supermarket trips, playing in the park or the garden, 'helping' you around the house (wiping wainscoting with a baby wipe, stirring something you're baking, putting away plastic kitchen stuff, etc). Reading, singing, watching kids' TV together are all fun for toddlers.

Yes, they get to the point where they're independent - talking, reading, playing independently, using the loo, able to really help in the house, inviting friends for tea, fun to travel with, etc. Then they turn into tweens and then teens, and one day they're gone.

"The days go slowly and the years go quickly" is a phrase whose poignancy you'll one day appreciate.

Mine are 5 and 3 and it’s not much better for me so far - still stressful most of the time. My 5yr old DD’s every waking moment is consumed by thoughts of babies and dolls and we have absolutely nothing in common yet, despite her looking like my clone 😄. Some of her comments and observations on life crack me up though, she’s pretty funny.

My 3yr old DS is the most argumentative kid on the planet. He drives me nuts and spending any time with him is draining. When he’s not being an argumentative arse, he’s lovely (approx 5% of the time).

Im looking forward to 8+ when they might be more interested in learning and actually appreciate the places we take them, rather than complaining constantly.

I does get more enjoyable, yes. But I also think you need to make sure you’re having time to yourself and also that you’re adjusting your expectations.

Do you get a break? When mine were that age, I was back to work 3-4 days a week and often doing 6am-7pm on 3 of those days. So Dh and I both got a solid break from parenting on our working days (we worked long days while the other did shorter days around nursery). Do you get to go out with friends? Go for weekends away? Get a day at the weekend a couple times a month that’s totally for you while your husband gets quality time solo parenting? All this is crucial. You can’t just slog through every day with no breaks.

And then yes, travel and holidays are totally possible, but it won’t be lying on the beach or by the pool. I started taking mine away at 8 months. It’s easier from about 4/5 though. We do city breaks and try new foods, go to playgrounds, go to museums, ride trams and buses and boats. It’s about family time though, not getting the kids to bed so we can stay up drinking. We go wander around at night, go for gelato, out to dinner, they love it, but it’s a different sort of holiday to pre-kids.

The baby years were very tough. The lack of sleep, the worry about how much they were eating, whether they were hitting milestones etc. It was exhausting. I think with hindsight I shouldn’t have worried so much, but that’s the benefit of looking back.

I agree with this. I was so very stressed and uptight I couldn't enjoy the baby stage with DS1. It was a revelation to me when I had my second two years later that it could be different. That was largely because I had climbed that steep learning curve with the first. Also very soon the amount of input required fell off a cliff because they played together and were coconspirators from the time DS2 was a year old.

Just be careful with the "best friends" thing. Part of parenting is to make unpopular decisions and set boundaries. They will push back and you can't always please them.
Getting that part right while they are under 5 makes it much easier when they get older.

@Twattergy I absolutely love this! Thank you so much. I think what hit me the most was when you said you're not their slave so much , this!! I feel like a total slave from the moment I wake up. So this response has really helped lift my spirits. Also hearing that it gets progressively more fun 🙏🏼 I can't wait for all that!!

Have you had any support with your mental health? I think the bit in our head which can go a bit haywire and cause the anxious thoughts etc to go on overdrive is already a bit activated simply by the hormonal and biological changes of having DC, probably to make us a bit more risk aware perhaps but I think it can overcompensate and that causes the restrictive anxious thoughts. So I would encourage seeking out some help with this if you haven't but would like to.

I would also encourage more time spent IRL with other parents and less time consuming parenting content on the internet. That's not intended to be a judgement or assumption BTW, I actually find MN can be quite good and sane on most topics - I just know that for myself, when I'm spending more time consuming parenting content online than encountering a range of different children/parenting approaches IRL, I start to get very anxious and feel as though I should have more control over things than I really do/is healthy. And when I tip the balance the other way, and spend more time with a variety of children and/or parents IRL, I feel much better and more relaxed and more like even my most worrisome child is going to be fine and find their own way. I had just one DC for 10+ years and now have 3 altogether and I do think it is harder to get this perspective when you have one child, so seeking it out in terms of connection with other parents IRL (especially a range of ages) is almost more important.

And yes, it does get easier. It gets easier IME once you have a bit of space from each other. Parenting can be incredibly intense and it's not helped if you have nothing else to focus on.

I feel you OP.
DD is 5 yo now and I would take 10 of her over 1 baby/toddler.
I have also found the first 2-3 years very difficult (and also a little bit boring sometimes if I am fully honest). I started to have much more fun when she was around 4 and now I would say it’s mostly fun (of course parenting is still hard work etc but nothing compared to a few years ago)!
Hang in there, it does get better x

@Homeiswherethedogsare thank you so so much for that 🙏🏼 it really helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way 😔 and to know that you felt the same, but now have a lot of fun with your DD, that makes me feel so much better 🥰 thank you x

3 was when something major shifted for me. I think it was my hormones as well as their developmental stage because I started feeling like a fog was clearing and I wasn’t constantly in survival mode.

5-8 were golden years. That stage of childhood was lovely. They didn’t need constant physical labour from me - no carrying, no nappies obviously, they were great company. My absolute favourite stage in terms of how easy it was for me.

Tweens were a challenge in that they shift away from us a bit, and can be a bit stroppy now and then, but nothing major.

Teens is the stage everyone talks about but I’ve really enjoyed it. They’re so interesting and it’s amazing to see them becoming entirely independent and separate. There’s a natural tension because they need more freedom than they can have in this day and age, and from a parenting perspective they keep me on my toes, but in a good way.

1-3 was relentless, and I used to carry a lot of guilt and actually wish I could do it over again and get it right. I think everyone gets a hard patch. That was mine but it got so much better than I could have imagined.