Parents to older kids, please enlighten me

[SendHelpandSnacks]

I have a 2 year old and it goes without saying, I love him to bits, but it's motherhood I don't like. I struggled so much with PND and anxiety when he was born (we had a lot of infertility trauma, 5 rounds of IVF and a miscarriage) so when he entered the world, I had a lot to process.
I now feel like I'm suffocating with the responsibility of parenthood. I feel like there's always something going on which causes anxiety (separation anxiety, sleep regressions, tantrums, teething, being ill all the time, bedtime battles) just as you get over one hurdle, you're onto the next. My nervous system is shot!
I keep hearing people say "it's a phase and then you move onto the next" - that unsettles me, I hate the relentlessness of it all. I know the baby and toddler years are intense! They're developing, they have so much to learn, you have to teach them everything, so I guess I'm wondering what life is like when they're 4+. Do things start to settle?

Surely there must be more enjoyment? I imagine communication really helps. I just want my son to be my best buddy, at the moment I don't know if he'll enjoy our activity or have an absolute meltdown, making me question all my life choices.
I'm almost scared of him 🫣 I try my best to keep him happy and that's probably where I'm going wrong. I know I need to lower my expectations.

It's even like the idea of going on holiday doesn't sound fun. The sleep is all over the place when we're away, my husband doesn't want to go abroad until he's older. Will we be able to go on holiday one day and actually have fun?
Sorry, I know this all sounds ridiculous 😞 there's so much I have to accept as just being motherhood, but I guess I'm looking for some reassurance x

One day at a time. x

My kids are 2 and 3/4 so not much further

I do think the journey to parenthood you skated over is a big factor here. The pressure to LOVE it must be immense... my friend in a simialr boat to you has found it high pressure and there was a lot of expectation vs reality happening.

I was 50/50 about being a mother and the first year was still rough/ what have I done

I'd say

1. lower your bar a bit and just try and enjoy the fun moments.
2. Unclench

I think it was just before my 2nd so oldest was 19m or so when I had a geniune epiphany moment.
She was being stubborn and I could feel we were heading into meltdown (both of us) and i just laughed and went along with whatever bullocks she was up to . I think it was putting balls from the ball pit in the laundry bin. The laundry bin became a monster and she fed it...

Now i ask myself "ultimately what harm is it doing?" And if nothing instead of "you must listen to mummy its naughty to do x. blah blah blah" I am boring myself to fucking death.... i unclench my butt for 5 mins and just enjoy my kid(s) 😅

Similarly with the are they developmentally behind? Is she.not sleeping enough? Why wont they gain fucking weight... cue Hang wringing
Now i just say to myself " does my child look healthy and happy? Yes? Cool. Job done."

I'm wondering what life is like when they're 4+. Do things start to settle?

Yes in my case. I struggled with the baby stages. Once younger child was four it was much easier. From then on it became easier every year, including the teens.
Of course not all children are the same and the number of children, sex and age gaps all make a difference.

4+ is definitely better. DS is 6 now and is a delight, and has been for the last few years (other than being a disgusting child who thinks poos and farts are the most hilarious thing ever). Of course, there are more stressful bits but I find every day more fun.

Different people enjoy different stages to greater or lesser extents. So far, the older my DSs get the more I enjoy them. DS1 waking every 45 minutes for nine months is probably the low point of my entire life. He’s now a quirky teen who makes me howl with laughter regularly. DS2 was a much easier baby but do I find him even more fun at 9 now that we can play games I actually enjoy, well yes, 100%. Hang in there.

Let go of “perfect” take the pressure of yourself, your partner and your child of ANYTHING needing to be perfect.

It doesn’t.

Once they can talk very clearly and communicate that they are ok/not ok, it definitely gets easier

The aim isn't for your child to be your best buddy or for you to be trying to make him happy all the time. It's to parent him and train him in the right ways. If you have a faith, that gives you suggestions as to what the right ways are. If not you need to look at what morals you want him to be developing from whatever your world view is. Do you want him to be hard working, resilient, kind, honest, etc. Then model these things. If getting rich is important to you, then model that. If caring for the environment is your focus, show him that. Show him how to cope with sadness, disappointment, boredom. He will be happier and healthier ( not necessarily physically but mentally). Also, cut yourself some slack, shove a freezer meal in the microwave sometimes and let them watch cartoons. It gets easier. Then harder again.

Thank you @SalmonOnFinnCrisp , that's very helpful advice 🙏🏼

@Flicktick this gives me a lot of hope 🙏🏼 thank you so much. I very much intend on keeping my son as an only child, as I definitely wouldn't be able to cope with doing this all over again 😂 I want to give him all of my love and attention, which is also why I'm wishing away the early years... As I want us to do lots together and actually have a lot of fun

Thank you @DelurkingAJ I absolutely love this!! I cannot wait to laugh with my son, I can't wait to play games with him and have lots of chats. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being naive in thinking this was a possibility (I'm in the thick of bad anxiety at the moment, I don't know what to believe anymore)
So thank you, I really appreciate that

Talking does help an awful lot, then you begin to see things improve little by little. I found kids still fairly intensive work until about 8 (although much less than pre 5) because there is a never-ending round of getting snacks and drinks, but potentially from about 6+ they can make a sandwich or pour a juice and just that kind of thing made life much easier because it wasn't like coming home from work and someone always wants something.

Holidays with under 5s, yes, they are work, but they can still be good. After they get to school age I'd say it gets easier, and then once they can stay awake with you for dinner that's a whole lot better. We always self catered so we wouldn't be stuck sitting on a bed in a room once it was bedtime with little ones - we could at least sit on a patio with a bottle of wine and enjoy time together somewhere different from usual (caveat, our kids did and still do, as teens, like their sleep, so we did get the night off once they were in bed).

You only need to be good enough as a parent and the vast majority of people are - we'd all be headcases if we couldn't cope with the things that were not ideal about our parents, kids are resilient enough to cope with that.

2 is hard work. You can't leave them alone. It's easier once they need less supervision and you get more time to yourself. I have always loved holidays with my DC - the first one takes a bit of time getting used to how different it is to pre-child holidays though. There is lots enjoyment, especially 4-11 when you can do lots of things together but they don't need you with them constantly.

The worry and weight of responsibility never goes away though, I'm afraid. IME it is actually worse as they get older and things are less in your control. It's part and parcel of parenthood.

My kids are 11 and 8. Of course they’re hard work at times- all kids are but it’s so much better. I travel a lot with my older child for her sport and we have loads of fun chatting on road trips. My younger child got obsessed with the latest series of Traitors and we watched every episode together and talked for hours about what was going to happen etc, You can go to plays, shows and sports events that you all like and can enjoy and most importantly you can have a wee in peace.

It definitely gets easier and more fun over time. Yes there are still problems and worries but parenting under 4s is hard work and stressful a lot of the time. Mine are 21 and 19 now. Primary school was much more fun and I loved the teen years. Young adults are a bit tricky as you have to watch them make so many mistakes and there isn't much you can do but the front line hard work is way behind you and you have so much time back to yourself.

You sound absolutely fine but a bit worried you’re not good enough. You are.
You don’t need to maximise every minute of his life.
Two year olds can be hard work. Taking him to a playgroup where you can observe and
chat to other parents and their children might help you.
Be a bit more blasé, try to laugh rather than be distraught (e.g. balls into the laundry bin) and don’t aim to be perfect.
He’ll survive and thrive.

Thank you @Echobelly that is really good advice. I need to take some pressure off myself to be the perfect parent and have the perfect day... And thank you for the reassurance of holidays 😂 You're right, when they can stay up long enough, you can all enjoy the evening together, rather than struggling to get them to sleep in a new place 🙏🏼

@NerrSnerr Oh my god I absolutely love this!!! I've just finished watching traitors and the idea of one day sitting and enjoying a series with my son brings me a lot of joy 🥰 I can't wait to be able to go out and do loads of things with him. This has given me a lot of hope 🙏🏼 thank you

@Titsywoo I love the sound of getting some time back to myself 🙏🏼and having more fun with him. Thank you

Yes there is always a new phase to handle but when they are sleeping the night and no more nappies and can get up and watch tv without you at the antisocial hour they wake of a weekend you can handle it MUCH better.

Thank you @MixturesForDolly , I really appreciate that 🙏🏼

@Burntt I love this! I will hold onto that on hard days 😂 thank you

My children are now 21 and 19. The baby years were very tough. The lack of sleep, the worry about how much they were eating, whether they were hitting milestones etc. It was exhausting. I think with hindsight I shouldn’t have worried so much, but that’s the benefit of looking back.
Obviously I’m well past that phase. I genuinely enjoy spending time with my children and thankfully they both seem to enjoy spending time with me.
I thought of my role as a parent as raising a kind, confident person who has integrity and to be honest who isn’t a dick.
They are both at University studying the courses they chose: Vet Med and Biological Sciences. They work really hard, have made great friends and are resilient considering the hurdles they’ve had to overcome. I couldn’t be more proud of them.
That’s not to say that there were challenging times, particularly memorable was when my son went through his moody phase when he was 15, but we’ve all come through it.
The OP is in the trenches during the hardest phase, it does get easier.

They go to school. That makes it easier - well it did in my case anyway.

This. Well sais @HushTheNoise

I hear you!! We’re 2.5 and we’re just getting to the point where we can have fun and I’m not stressing!

Just started potty training and I’m actually enjoying it rather than stressing and questioning everything and everyone!!

I do actually think this is don’t her having far more words and being to actually tell me what she wants/needs!