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Original poster

Don't blame me for my privileges

26 replies

LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 14:56

I have a friend who is driving me mad.

Bit of background:
I have 2 kids, she has 1 (and is going through IVF for the second).
I work part-time and she works full-time.
I have a big family and lots of grandparent support, she doesn't.
I enjoy my job, she doesn't.

She's constantly saying things like "It's ok for you as you only work part-time" OR "It's ok for you, you got your second baby for free and I'm having to pay mine" OR "I can't come out for dinner / go to that gym class / go to the cinema etc because unlike you, I don't have free childcare...

I realise I'm lucky and I don't take anything for granted but I've found myself engaging with her less recently because I've had enough of listening to it.

Am I being unreasonable? How can I say to her gently that I'm sorry for all my privileges but I'm done with feeling guilty about it?

OP posts:
Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 14:58

Is this a close friend? How often do you even get together with her if she’s working full time and no family support?

blooooooor · 26/01/2026 15:01

Don’t feel bad. You just need a new friend who is at the same level as you…

Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:06

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 14:58

Is this a close friend? How often do you even get together with her if she’s working full time and no family support?

She's an old friend and I see her at least once a week, at school dropoff / at the gym / at a friend's house (we have a lot of friends in common). She does have a husband so she does leave the house but sometimes he works evenings

OP posts:

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Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:07

blooooooor · 26/01/2026 15:01

Don’t feel bad. You just need a new friend who is at the same level as you…

Happy? 😂 I've felt guilty about so many things for so long. Guilty that I have a relatively easy and happy life. I'm just done with the guilt now!

OP posts:
Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:08

I’m sure some of her other friends have more than one child and work part time? Have they mentioned her whinging to you?

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:09

LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:07

Happy? 😂 I've felt guilty about so many things for so long. Guilty that I have a relatively easy and happy life. I'm just done with the guilt now!

Show quote history

Why the heck would you feel guilty?

I have two happy health children and work very part time and bloomin love life. Guilty? Nope. Never.

Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:12

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:08

I’m sure some of her other friends have more than one child and work part time? Have they mentioned her whinging to you?

Our other friends either have it worse so it's like bad news top trumps when they're together or don't have kids / a partner. I think I'm the only one that ticks all the boxes (the number of kids I want, the job I want with the hours I want, family support). So mostly other people can sympathise with certain areas whereas I can't as I'm "the lucky one" (her words). I get it and I'm grateful every single day but I'm just so done with feeling guilty about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:15

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:09

Why the heck would you feel guilty?

I have two happy health children and work very part time and bloomin love life. Guilty? Nope. Never.

Show quote history

Love this. I don't know why I feel guilty. Potentially because others keep reminding me of what I have that they don't. I definitely need to drop the guilt. Maybe this is a me problem rather than a her problem... 🤔

OP posts:
13RidgmontRoad · 26/01/2026 15:16

She's constantly saying things like "It's ok for you as you only work part-time" OR "It's ok for you, you got your second baby for free and I'm having to pay mine" OR "I can't come out for dinner / go to that gym class / go to the cinema etc because unlike you, I don't have free childcare...

Is there context for this, like you inviting her to do something that she plainly won't be able to do because of work, cost etc? If yes, perhaps you could be a little more sensitive. If not and she is endlessly comparing and coming out with things, I think it'd be fine to say that while you understand how difficult things are for her at the moment and want nothing more than for her to have a 2nd, you're really uncomfortable with the barbed comments directed your way.

muggart · 26/01/2026 15:23

you shouldn’t feel guilty and her comments are annoying.

however, if she is unable to afford the social activities that you do then it would be nice to suggest things like a walk in a park, or a coffee at yours, because it’s really sad to lose friends because they only want to socialise in expensive inaccessible ways. (that’s if you care about maintaining the friendship of course).

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:24

LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:15

Love this. I don't know why I feel guilty. Potentially because others keep reminding me of what I have that they don't. I definitely need to drop the guilt. Maybe this is a me problem rather than a her problem... 🤔

Show quote history

Who? You mean to say more people than just this friend???

Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:26

13RidgmontRoad · 26/01/2026 15:16

She's constantly saying things like "It's ok for you as you only work part-time" OR "It's ok for you, you got your second baby for free and I'm having to pay mine" OR "I can't come out for dinner / go to that gym class / go to the cinema etc because unlike you, I don't have free childcare...

Is there context for this, like you inviting her to do something that she plainly won't be able to do because of work, cost etc? If yes, perhaps you could be a little more sensitive. If not and she is endlessly comparing and coming out with things, I think it'd be fine to say that while you understand how difficult things are for her at the moment and want nothing more than for her to have a 2nd, you're really uncomfortable with the barbed comments directed your way.

It's not just me inviting her to things, sometimes it's just a lot of complaining about how hard it is to work full-time and still not be able to afford to do something because of the IVF costs (and how lucky I am to be able to pick the kids up from school and also do my expensive yoga class)...

I get where she's coming from, but it has just made me start avoiding her a little bit because I'm happier when I don't see her. For a while I found myself exaggerating a bad day just to try and join in a little. I can't really listen to how hard her day was then follow up a "but anyway how are you?" with a "Great actually! Nothing to complain about"! 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:27

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:24

Who? You mean to say more people than just this friend???

Show quote history

Sorry no, just the one friend. I worded that badly

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 26/01/2026 15:29

I wouldn't bother with people like that.
Get some other friends.
Or just enjoy your life and your family without reference to peripherals.
All the best.

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:32

Are you the only one in this large friendship group with more than one child who works part time?

RedStars · 26/01/2026 15:32

Why don't you just tell her that it's not your fault she's paying for IVF and that she could have opted to stick at one child, and then dance off to whichever restaurant she can't afford, waving? You're sounding a bit wet here. If this entire friendship operates via competitive moaning, don't you get bored and fantasise about friends with more than once topic of conversation?

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:33

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:43

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:32

Are you the only one in this large friendship group with more than one child who works part time?

It's not that large a friendship group. But I am the only one that works part-time, has the number of children they want, has a partner and also has grandparent support. I'm the only one that has all the things.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:45

RedStars · 26/01/2026 15:32

Why don't you just tell her that it's not your fault she's paying for IVF and that she could have opted to stick at one child, and then dance off to whichever restaurant she can't afford, waving? You're sounding a bit wet here. If this entire friendship operates via competitive moaning, don't you get bored and fantasise about friends with more than once topic of conversation?

It didn't used to. It used to be fun!

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacHedgehog123 · 26/01/2026 15:46

RedStars · 26/01/2026 15:32

Why don't you just tell her that it's not your fault she's paying for IVF and that she could have opted to stick at one child, and then dance off to whichever restaurant she can't afford, waving? You're sounding a bit wet here. If this entire friendship operates via competitive moaning, don't you get bored and fantasise about friends with more than once topic of conversation?

Funnily enough I do have another thread about wanting to spend more time with new friends and less with my old ones! I'll work on this 😅

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 26/01/2026 15:46

She is jealous, which I completely understand but she doesn't need to be bitter about it!!

I have family/ friends who have a lot more support than I do. But while I am jealous I don't tell them, and I am genuinely glad they have the help.

Mix56 · 26/01/2026 15:53

Ask her what you should do about it?
Go full time, run over Granny? Put one child up first adoption ? Would it put a halt to her jealousy? Because this isnt a competition, She may have “less” but her attitude makes it even worse

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 26/01/2026 15:56

I had a friend like this. I spoke to her, but she just kept telling me
I couldn’t understand what it was like. She’d get so angry and make comments non-stop. In the end, she’s one of the two people I’ve ever fully cut out. It was too much.

Butonlyjust · 26/01/2026 15:59

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Happyjoe · 26/01/2026 16:02

True friends are happy for you.

That's it. The end.