Who provides clothes for this trip?

[YourZippyLion]

My child is 13 and going skiing for almost a week with her father next month. Via our child, he has asked if her bag can be packed and with him a week before.
we’ve been separated 8 years. Should I be providing these clothes for their trip?

I kinda think he’s a very high earner, I get lumbered with all the dirty washing on return, should he not provide what she needs for a 5 day trip?

I’d provide normal clothes and underwear but anything that’s required specially like ski clothes I would get DD to let him know he needs to get them

I would pack all his regular clothes, and tell Dad that he needs to buy whatever is needed for the skiing.

You both should be finding a more effective way to communicate than via your daughter. This puts her in a very awkward position.
Does dd live with you the majority of the time, meaning her majority of clothing belongs with you? I think it would be reasonable to expect her basics be covered by you if that is the case.
I would be contacting father in whatever way we have agreed to let him know that I am happy to cover the general day to day basics. However, any specialist clothing and equipment must be provided by him so he can quality assure it and make sure she has all necessary stuff.

Do you have a parenting plan? Perhaps that would be useful in this instance.

I don’t really think it’d be that much to do a couple of loads of washing upon return but I’d only be willing to provide existing clothes so if new thermals, gloves, salopettes, snow boots type stuff are needed I’d let him know in advance so he’s got the chance to purchase. I wonder if this is what he had in mind by adking for a week so he could go through and fill in the gaps.

If you were taking your child away on holiday would he be doing the packing?

This makes no sense - he needs the bag packed and provided a week before? Why? I assume he's a controlling manipulative ass. And this is just another example in what I imagine is years and years of him saying and doing things to make your life more difficult and tha tmake you question yoruself.

If you routinely provide all her clothing, then yes, I'd expect that the basics of her clothes for the week would be provided as usual from her wardrobe at home. But certainly, there is no expectation that you should buy her anything she needs extra - so anything to do with actual skiing is on him, ditto if she needs special clothing for events or other activities, that's on him.

Surely he should be doing the packing.

He should be doing all the packing! And the washing after, it’s his holiday why should you get extra work to do

Help DD pack what she has, and write a list of what she needs, she can send the list to dad to get any extras.
Its for DD not her dad, tell her you hope she has fun and are looking forward to hearing about it, and treat it with the same attitude you would a school trip.
Dont make it into an issue or emotionally stressful for her when it doesnt need to be.

Reminds me of when my h's ex sent his child to us with a bag of dirty clothes less than 12 hours before we were due to fly.

Indeed!

You're her mum not his wife and he's had 8 bloody years to get to grips with parenting alone.

I wouldn't be packing anything he can take her shopping. If he's capable of booking and taking her on holiday then he can sort out her clothing and bag for the trip.

Is he expecting you to buy ski wear or does your DC have it already?

Aside from that - she’s 13, she can pack her own bag. Help her make a list (right number of pants, sensible clothes etc) and leave her to it. My 13 yr old has been doing her own packing for years now, and/or she uses her list to grab what she wants to bring and helps me pack. Our packing list is shared so either of us can edit/add things to our own section. Then a list of “on the day stuff is made the night before.

As for the dirty laundry - not surprised, my DD’s useless father does the same 🙄 Under no circumstances would I be buying anything special that’s needed for the trip tho. A week ahead is too far, he can jog on. But of course she can take her own clothes she already has, you’re not providing them they are hers, she can take responsibility for them herself.

At 13 they can pack her own bag. He should be providing the ski clothing and equipment unless you already have it in which case it’s better to use what you have than buy new. No idea why he needs it a week in advance though unless that’s the last time it can be passed over

He’s taking her away, it’s his job to provide what she needs for the trip and to pack it or help her to pack it. Literally nothing to do with you, I wouldn’t even entertain it.

Why did she need to send any clothes? Does he not have clothes for his children?

Just pack normal clothes and coat. He can buy everything else that’s required there. When my DS when on a school ski trip he didn’t notice the ski jacket I’d bought him at the bottom of his suitcase and as it turned out his normal winter padded water resistant coat was more than adequate.

Other than a few things no. She was a teenager with her preferred clothes. She was actually old enough to get her own clothes ready but was a bit slow and spoiled.

Do you live in the Mumsnet bubble where parents have duplicates of everything that a teenager needs in two houses? Who can afford that?

Pack together with her, get her to make a list
Pack normal clothes, undies and socks, passport, travel adaptors, a book etc. All in suitcase ready and a small backpack with snacks, water bottle and what not.

However he needs to take her to mountain warehouse, tk max or trespass etc and buy her ski wear. (Actually Vinted is way better and marketplace but that's his problem to solve)

How on earth would you know what she needs and how much she'll be able to take once ski clothes are taken into consideration for luggage space/baggage allowance? I'm taking my children this winter and am planning on packing minimal normal clothes for them but on my head be it if it turns out I don't have enough/they spill stuff all down them. I won't pack lots of jumpers for the evening as they have fleeces to wear when skiing which will double up for that etc. I wouldn't want anyone else packing and deciding what they need! I can only presume he is buying ski gear as it's a bit rubbish without the right things - thermals, socks, fleeces, gloves, goggles, snood etc. It certainly adds up before you even buy the ski jacket and pants.

On the face of it is agree with you however my daughter is a little younger then yours and is very particular about her clothes, she would HATE if her dad chose her clothes for a week and would much rather have her usual clothing.
Do you talk at all to your ex? It's rude that he's made this request through the child and not just asked politely. Also he needs to provide any ski gear or special clothing she needs and that needs to be made very clear to him.
I hate that I have to pack a bag every time my kids go to their dads (even nappies when they were younger and hair and toothbrushes now) but if I don't then they go without. They hardly ever go overnight now so it's not so bad in that respect

Also if there's anything you don't have that she will need I think it's reasonable to send him a list of things she needs for him to buy

She can pack her own stuff surely

but I’d be making it clear to him that you’re not buying ski wear

Stop communicating though your child and speak to him directly.

No you shouldn’t have to provide ski specific clothes as you’re not the one taking her on a ski holiday.

Tell him you’re happy to sort her casual clothes, underwear etc but you don’t have ski specific stuff and he’ll have to sort that.

If they never sleep over his, or only rarely, I'd assume there's no clothes there so yes I'd pack a bag. But I sure as hell wouldn't buy anything. Do they have enough clothes to have a weeks worth taken out of circulation?