Step Grandad wanting to stroke my child’s hair/face/neck

[Thepumpkinpatch85]

Hi.
Can you please help?
my husbands step dad keeps wanting my DD to sit on his knee. He then strokes her hair, face and neck. He makes comments like “I love stroking hair”
This makes me really uncomfortable but my husband says it’s just innocent.
The step grandad does it to the other grandchild. She’s 17 now and he still brushes her hair. A few years ago we were sat around the table and he said something along the lines of “you’re such a beautiful girl. Actually. No. You’re a woman now”
It horrified me.
He showed no interest in my DD until this year.
Am I being silly? Is it weird?
HELP.

Listen to your doubts, they're trying to protect your daughter. Whether it's innocent or not, she needs you to protect her.

Indeed.

Who knows if it’s weird or innocent the point is she is your daughter, if you have told him to stop and he won’t he doesn’t get to be in her life. YANBU I’d hate it too.

I always find it creepy when people, both men and women, say things like 'you're a woman now'. It's cringeworthy and icky. He's probably just cringeworthy, that's all, but your radar is up, so make sure you are always in the room.

If its making you feel uncomfortable that's a sign that it shouldn't happening, even if it is innocent.

I haven’t told him to stop. I’m not very good at confrontation and I’m not very close to him. I don’t particularly like the guy if I’m honest. I worry if I say something and make it a thing then my husband won’t be pleased.
Thats why I reached out on here to see if it’s just me over reacting.
Maybe I now have the courage to say something :)

I’m new to this.
what on earth is a YANBU 😳😛

Really fucking weird. I wouldn’t allow that and would avoid him as much as humanly possible.

YANBU - You are not being unreasonable.

Is your husband your daughter's father? He should be wanting to protect her rather than worrying about upsetting his step father's 'feelings'.

He wants a 17 year old to sit on his knee ?
That is very weird and surely she thinks so as well .

I worry if I say something and make it a thing then my husband won’t be pleased

So many people have got away with so much because of this.

Yes. He is my daughter’s father. He thought it was weird when the step grandad was doing it to the other grandchild but now that he’s doing it to ours he’s changed his tune. Perhaps doesn’t want to cause a scene. Wants to avoid confrontation.
Says if it was anything weird then he wouldn’t be doing it infront of people 😬

Utter bullshit. Has he never heard of hiding in plain sight? You need to take the lead on this and keep your precious wee girl away from that man.

Your DD needs to learn about boundaries.

Step grandad needs to learn about accepting other people’s boundaries

Never ever leave her alone with him. Also as she gets older explain to her about boundaries. Trust your gut.

@Wayk she is 17, when do you start teaching about boundaries?

Your DH is centering grandad. It's not about what the Stepgrandad wants and his p.o.v., it's completely about your DD.

It's weird and uncomfortable even if it is innocent. Gives me the ick just reading this, distant memories of gross men when I was a teen.

I get you don't like confrontation but you need to get over yourself and next time say, 'DD is far to big to sit on a lap and she doesn't like that'. If he is mortally offended, fuck him. Honestly you've got nothing to lose he sounds like a creep. And never leave them alone.

It is utter nonsense to say he wouldn’t do it in front of others if there was something weird about it. It’s actually a common grooming tactic in inter family sexual abuse - it lowers the boundaries and confuses the child because they think the rest of the family thinks it’s normal and it absolutely can be the way to lead to sexual abuse.

I’m confused by your OP, though, is your daughter 17? If so, surely she doesn’t want to sit in his lap and have him stroke her hair? If she is agreeing because it’s seen as normal but is actually uncomfortable then you must talk to her about asserting her boundaries too.

It is the niece who is 17 not the OP’s daughter

Urgh George you sound like Jimmy Saville..
And remove your dd...

Hiding in plain sight. Hasn't your DH ever heard of Jimmy Saville? Tell him to start protecting his young daughter unstead of a fully grown adult male.

I totally understand why you don’t want to confront him. It’s awkward and could cause a major family conflict. However I agree with other posters- a mother’s intuition is everything and should be listened to. If it makes you uncomfortable it needs to stop. I do think some men of that generation just have no awareness of how creepy their behaviour comes off and there’s no actual bad intent behind it but you’ll never know that for sure. I’d get your DH to have a word with him or ask him to ask his mum (who I’m assuming is married to him?) to have a word. He’ll likely be offended but if he’s a decent human being he’ll understand and stop behaving like that. Until then I wouldn’t leave her alone with him.

No one here knows if it’s innocent or not but when children’s safety is at stake the rule is to err on the side of caution and trust your instincts. I would absolutely never allow unsupervised contact. And I would pull him up publicly on the comments.

If he loves stroking hair, does he do it to the boys as well? Thought not.....