just been to the darkest place in my time as a mother.

[deanychip]

it has been very bad.
told that i am rubbish, my son has no boundries, i allow him to run me, walk all over me and have no rules for him.

since bieng told this, he has been unmanagable and his behaviour has been off the scale.

i have been looking at jobs abroad, 1-2 year contracts with very good money. to get away.
dh and ds are better off without me, dh can do a much better job than me.
cant even bring myself to look at my son.

i am a let down, weak and pathetic.i cannot cope with him i cannot do this any longer.

it sounds like you don't have the best relationship with your sister, so I'd try to ignore what she is saying and get on with being the best parent you can be.

My DS fwiw was awful when he was four, but through a combination of staying calm and having consistent boundaries we are slowly wearing him down into a sensible young man.

If his behaviour is getting out of control, children's centres and sure start centres often run parenting/behaviour management classes which might be helpful? have a look at what's available in your area or ask your HV for advice.

I have questioned my own parenting skills a lot and have often felt like I just need to leave, escape, get away from it all, but I have been suffering from pretty bad depression. A few weeks on suitable meds and the future didn't seem quite so bleak. I still have my off days where I find it all a challenge, but with the help of my HCPs and some good advice from school about DSs behaviour and how to manage him better things are certainly a vast improvement.

One thing I have learned though, is that things are never as bad as you think they are

your sister sounds like a nasty piece of work if this is how she speaks to you.

give yourself a break. You sound like you are going to embark on a guilt trip for not really liking DS's behaviour.

Hey, we love our kids to bits but don't like them all the time. That's OK

ok deany everything is going to be fine. please don't move to another country!

your little boy needs you. he loves you. you are the person who loves him most in the whole world. he needs to see you laughing and having fun. you are his role model. some kids are naughtier than others; some parents are more liberal than others. don't listen to a word anyone else says.

have confidence in yourself & your ability as a parent. please keep posting here, there are people here who can help you get out of this frame of mind and think positively. lots of love & good luck xx

I'm not sure he sounds autistic (have one of those myself - ds1 ) but if he's avoiding kisses and cuddles and is difficult he could have some sensory processing problems.

I'd recommend this book He has my ds3 down to a tee. And he gives solutions and ways to help so life isn't quite so difficult for them (and challenging for you). He's big into ways to develop emotional connection as well.

oh and your sister is quote insane and your ds sounds better behaved than mine often are!

No no no deany, don't go. Who will love him like you do. 4 yr old boys can be such a struggle but I guarantee he wants you around. Parenting was never easy.

Perhaps you need a break. Perhap you all need a break together.

Deany, there is only one type of bad mother and that's one who doesn't care. From your message it's clear to see that you care very much and you've got your sons best intentions at heart. I'm sure this is why you're thinking of leaving - because you love him. Leaving is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - you'll ruin both your life and your son's life if you leave so don't go.
It sounds like you've had a pretty difficult time with him and it sounds like you can't think what more to do so I agree with OrmIrian - take a break and gather your thoughts. But don't leave your son...he needs you. In order to be a good mum you've got to remember to fill your own cup too so take a few days to feed your soul and come back to him with a new energy. You deserve a break and he deserves a mother....

He's a lovely little baby of only four. You are his loving, protective mum and you love him and you need each other. Your sister sounds like poison and you don't need her. Cut her out of your life. How dare she make you feel this bad.
I do tend to think it's worth getting a diagnosis ruled out or in with a child who is particularly difficult. That's one thing a lot of parents of kids with special needs say - that their children are resistant to normal discipline etc and are hard work. Talk to the school, talk to your gp. Also give yourself a break! be nice to yourself. You can't leave him. that would be incredibly destructive to him and to you.
How do you feel generally? Is this depression speaking?

The only important thing is that you are his mother and he loves you, you can work at all the rest, I would take people's advice and talk to the school and talk to your GP.

If you are really worried about his behaviour, go to your GP and see if, as others have suggested, he is on the autistic spectrum. Get him tested. It may be ADHD and then you can see a way forward. Like also to add that a child of 4 can change so much in the next couple of years.

BTW I understand how you feel. I had a very challenging DD who did grow out of it. It wasn't fashionable at that time to get tested and I felt like the worst mum in the world. Her paternal Granmum used to point it out to me all the time. I knew deep down that she was just challenging.

A few years later it was her who couldn't cope with her and I could, as I'd realised that she needed handling differently to your average child. Hope this makes sense. She is lovely now as a teen an absolute angel, if there ever was one.

Good luck.

Hope these posts help you get some perspective.

Most of us experience what you are going through at some point or another.

Just hang in there and do get help if you need to.

xxx

had a long talk with dh.
He had no idea that i felt like running away so badly.
my life is miserable, i go to work, come home, pick up after them both, wash clean, fight with ds, go to work......

i make ds miserable.
we have made a plan.

1. dh has taken over the reigns with ds.
2. dh agreed to pull his finger out around the house.
3. we have booked aholiday, all inclusive, short flight. we go in 3 weeks.

dh has spoken to ds's teacher, he is difficult at school.
one comment she made was that he refuses to join in with any activity that involves "group" work, this can include singing, skipping, assembly etc.
also in every school picture ever taken, he is always looking the opposite way to all of the other kids...without exception.
with his avoidance of all kinds of affection, what can this mean?

btw, we are very loving and cuddly to him and always have been. ( his chubby cheeks are FANTASTIC to plant huge kisses on)
im feeling a bit better today after chat with dh and putting every thing down on here to you all.

glad to hear DH being supportive.
Don't beat yourself up, I can tell you feel that your constant bickering with ds might be responsible for what you describe as his avoidance of affection.
Some kids are like that. You might want to have a chat with a family counselor to rule out any condition.
I know nothing about autistic spectrum conditions as suggested on some posts.
As a matter of fact, I think we are sometimes just too quick to label a child with a "condition".
Up to you.
I think patience and more involvement from a father is often enough to help a little boy feel more secure in expressing his feelings.
Good luck.

just to say, in your OP you basically reinforced everything you had been told - you agreed that you are weak and crappy etc.

Step 1 has to be this - everyone feels that way from time to time but you cant allow others in indoctrinate stuff like that into you to the point where you repeat it yourself. That is harmful to you and your ds.

You dont mention how you feel you make your ds miserable but I imagine if you feel that way about yourself those vibes are affecting him on a subconscious level too.

Start by deciding that tomorrow will be different. You will realise your full potential as a mum. Loving and cuddly on one hand as you already are but strong and consistent on the other - a perfect balance - and even if tomorrow ISNT different - your perception of it can be, you can make that choice. You can focus on what went well - however insignificant it may seem and build on it. Invest time and energy into the process and never, ever focus and believe the negative - only believe your 'good press' as it were.

Good Luck!!

Oh I went from being so sad for you to so happy - it seems like you have realised that talking to DH about how you feel has really helped you.

You need to work with DH with DSs bahviour though as it will get to the point that he only listens to DH and not you if you are not working together to discipline him.

Anod honey he is 5 - you can turn this around - you can get some help to see if there is some sort of autistic spectrum disorder in the mix here and then get it sorted - or not sorted but you will find ways to understand and deal with it better. And if there is no problem you and DH work together and make your DS relearn boundaries etc.

I would stay away from your sister though - she sounds like a nasty cow and someone you don't need around you right now. Maybe get DH to ring her and tell her you are going through a bad time and her comments are unhelpful and you need space as a family right now to get yourself back on track.

Good Luck You sound like a lovely mum and person - you just sound as though you have let yourself get to this place because you haven't asked for help and as I am sure most of our DHs are - yours is almost blind to the shit we go through unless we stand and shout it into their faces. XXX

I am reading the book Playful Parenting which has a lot to say about connecting with your child through play - why adults often find it hard to play with kids and how to change this. Might be worth a read if you think there are problems connecting for you both?

It is great that your Dh is being supportive. I know that I am going to sound like a cow now but have you thought about cutting yor sis out of your life. How dare she say that about you?

do you want me to punch yer sister in the gob ......glad that you have spoken to DH about the way you're feeling, and to be honest it is none of your sisters business how you parent your child so tell her to fuck off

Deanychip.
I am a Dr. Not a psych or a GP, but nonetheless I think you sound significantly depressed and you should see your GP ASAP and get some help.
Please go and do this, it could really change your life for the better.

re the son, at the very least you need a second, or maybe third opinion. Ask dh to talk with school in the first instance, perhaps get him assessed by an ed.psych if they agree that he has problems. Quite possibly your son needs help too, and if you all got some you would have a much more fulfilling family life.
Hoping you can sort it out. Don't run away until you have tried the above.
Best wishes.

Sorry, I'd missed the second page of posts!
I still think you should consider both of the things I've mentioned: school sound a bit nonplussed, ask for further assessment.

keep looking at the ad for Saudi.
i suppose that depression could be a possibility, i have been of ads for about 12 months now. (was on them for pnd)
dont feel at all like i did with the pnd though.

i suppose that i have taken her comments as confirmation of the knowledge that i carry that i am not good at this job.

But putting it all into prspective (and i am certain that 99% of you will agree and relate to this) that we do the job of probably about 4 people bieng a mum and wife.
why should it all be on my shoulders?
I dont have support from family. 1) they cant cope with my son & 2)they never offer.
I get the distinct impression that no one actually likes him very much.

there have been loads of threads about how gps are not interested in our children, well this is true of our families.
it is dh and me alone.

i jsut felt like i went over the edge, and she pushed me then threw bloody great bricks at me.

I told her that i would feel less agrieved if a stranger in the street showed ds agression....but not her, not my own sister.
She feels totally justified bieng agressive towards him, because she is teaching him how not to be a brat.

obviously over my dead body will i expose him to this.

you know though, we dont know where we have got this child from!
Me and dh are very quiet and laid back people. we have a very happy life usually and wanted and waited for our son for years.
we are older parents, and he has coloured our life imeasurably.

some one once described what becoming a parent was.....
you know that scene in the wizard of oz where Dorothy steps out of the black and white and into the colour?
Well that is what becoming a parent is.

i suppose that i struggle big time with the bad times which are just continuous some days.

why does he have to throw and kick his scooter into the road?
Why did he pick up that stone and throw it at the bus full of people coming towards us?
why does he have to kick his book bag across the play ground?
why does he have to walk into a room and kick the pile of toys as hard as he can?
why does he have to dig the pen into my coffee table as hard as he can, scribbling and denting it?

i have reinstated the naughty step today which actually worked very well. i had forgotton what a handy tool the naughty step was.
what ever he threw or kicked has been taken off him.
i have got down on my knees and looked in his eyes to tell him why we dont throw/kick/scream etc. calmly.

can see some light!
i have made the decision to not contact my sister from here on in. she has caused me too much upset and she is adamant that she is right. there is no talking to her.so im not gonna.

Deany,have briefly skimmed your thread.

Firstly it is bloody hard work being a mum some days.

I have a four nearly five year old and recently he has become more difficult.Some of the saggressive stuff you have mentioned.I am at my wits end at mealtimes as he is deliberately messing with food.I lost it tody was like a banshee yellign at him and at myself.Then felt bad as the poor kid has had a lot to put up with in his little life in last few months_- Dad very poorly,sister newly dx with learning disabilities.I have recently restarted work which coincided with behaviour probs.I have also recently re instigated naughty step and tried not to yell which I'm prone to do when stressed and tired.I guess at this age they are becoming more aware of the workld and constantly retesting the boundaries.

I think your sis needs to step back he is not HER child.Also PND can be truly terrible and cloud your worldview.(I know this believe me)

I am sure you are a lovely mum and trying your hardest.xxxxxDoes your dsis have kids?hANG ON IN THERE,HUGS WRINKLY XXX