When did 'gentle parenting' start meaning 'never show frustration'?

[Neurodiversemom]

I thought gentle parenting was about not shaming or scaring children, not about being endlessly calm and emotionally neutral. Somewhere it feels like it’s turned into “never show frustration”, which seems unrealistic.

Children are frustrating sometimes. Surely modelling appropriate frustration (“I’m overwhelmed”, firmer tone, taking space) is healthier than pretending we don’t have normal human emotions?

Has gentle parenting been redefined online into something impossible, or am I missing something?

Christ knows. It's not a good thing either. Kids thrive when they know where the boundaries are. Even if it's to push them. Showing endless patience isn't good for them.

It's setting them up to fail when the real world happens.

Parenting standards in general these days seem better suited to some sort of robot than a real human. I do believe this is a big part of what is behind the massive MH epidemic. Lack of access to mental health treatment is clearly only part of the puzzle because we’ve never had so many people trying to get access to mental health treatment.

I think that a part of the problem is that 'gentle parenting' is really badly named. It should be called respectful parenting.

I have always parented my kids respectfully. I give value to their views, even when that view is 'I don't want to wear my shoes to school today'. That doesn't mean I'm scared to give my own point of view, that I strongly feel they should wear shoes to school. It just means that I don't belittle them and win by force.

And I expect to be treated with respect too. In this family, we treat each other with respect.

True gentle parenting isn't that, in the same way gentle parenting doesn't let children just do what they want without boundaries. It's about not being a dick to your child, modelling good behaviour and apologising when you get it wrong. However, like so many things, it gets distorted in social media and the press.

No idea no one seems to agree on what GP is

We hear lots of ''well GP is not this and it is not that" if it is that complicated a concept why on earth would anyone want to do it

The baby has not read the manual so how can parent 100% follow it anyway

This post blames imaginary parents for an imaginary style of parenting and imaginary consequences.

The reasons for the increase in MH concerns are known - just read the research.

Having read 'the anxious generation,' part of the problem is that parents clear obstacles and fight the corner of their child to give them the smoothest ride possible. Children are not being given the opportunity to risk -take, problem - solve or develop skills needed to cope with life's challenges. They are micro-managed by their parents.

I don’t think it is but i’s about respectful communication. You wpuld avoid snapping at the dentist receptionist so you should do the same with your child. If you get frustrated and then start behaving in a inappropriate way you’re modelling a behviour you don’t want them to copy. People, especially kids will match you’re energy and you of start snapping at people then the whole situation will just esculated.

Haidt advocates for a play-based childhood - this has been removed in schools too. There's little space or time to play - this is not something parents can fix on their own.
Another issue is it is very impactful when a young person makes bigger errors now - resits/retraining options are much less available, failing university carries a huge debt burden, the cost of everything makes people more risk-averse.

Exactly. Boundaries are part of feeling safe. Kids need to see frustration handled appropriately, not erased altogether.

Who started gentle parenting? Where can I read about the theory?

Exactly. The expectations feel inhuman. Kids need real, imperfect adults – not constant emotional perfection, and that pressure on parents can’t be helping anyone’s mental health.

I do see this. Like some parent seem reluctant to let their child feel any discomfort. For example letting them quit any activity they aren't always happy with, not bringing out vegetables that may upset them, constantly bringing the car so kids never get wet.

This isn't to be conflated with gentle parenting though.

I agree with this - I've always (well, since they understood the words) said that as long as everyone is reasonable, we'll all be fine.

So I am reasonable about DS1 refusing to eat half the foods I cook, he is reasonable about cooking himself some chicken to substitute.

I am reasonable about tucking them in, they are reasonable about just going to bed with no fuss - and when my 11 year old argued (at an appropriate time - not just as I was tucking him in) that he should be allowed to stay up later because it was the school holidays, I agreed, but in return reminded him that as I had work tomorrow I would still be going to bed at the same (early) time, so he'd have to tuck himself in.

Works for us. Kids are generally good kids, I rarely get to the point of frustration (with them at least. Work colleagues are another subject entirely)

There is definitely a ‘no true Scotsman’ thing with gentle parenting: every time it’s criticised there’s a cry of ‘well that’s not gentle parenting’ so if gentle parenting always works and the only time it doesn’t is when it isn’t gentle parenting it is a bit silly!

Theres nothing wrong with it as rough sort of guide but I take it with a massive pinch of salt, especially the explanations and the validation of feelings.

God only knows - with the number of distortions of GP and parents basically being as permissive as you like there will be an interesting generation of young adults coming round the corner.
i would say, be responsive to a child’s needs and feelings, don’t let them take the piss, and let them experience natural consequences including letting them see the impact of their behaviour (within reason).

"Somewhere it feels like it’s turned into “never show frustration”, "

Where is "somewhere"? If it's social media then just avoid reading it. There's always someone getting the wrong end of the stick there.
If it's in your head, then work to change your mind.
To be honest if you or your children are ND then suddenly parenting techniques have a lot more layers than just being respectful and talking to your children nicely, and expecting the same in return. In my case I have a whole framework of techniques with the goal of getting things done/everyone's needs met ,keeping everyone calm enough, maintaining communication and relationships and ideally having a bit of fun on the way. Don't compare yourself with non ND families (or other families in general) and assume you're doing something wrong

I've parented my DC along the lines of what is commonly referred to as attachment parenting / gentle parenting. I'm also a primary school teacher, and operate professionally according to a similar philosophy. I work in a challenging school but maintain excellent behaviour management, largely -I believe- due to this model of engagement.

AP / GP absolutely includes clear boundary setting and appropriate challenge to problematic behaviour.

It also gives space to whatever feelings and behaviours arise as a result of everyday life, but as a PP explained, a core value is respect. I definitely experience frustration when parenting my DC: I also definitely express it. It's not about the 'whether to express' but rather 'how to express', because what I'm modelling is nervous system regulation. A PP's analogy of the dentist's receptionist is good: I might express frustration but I'd try to make sure it remained within the realm of what was contextually and age-appropriate, while preserving the receptionist' dignity -I'd not lose my shit, basically.

When parenting my DC, I express frustration or impatience or irritation in the same way: I narrate it briefly using 'I' statements and suggest what would make the situation better for me / us both, alternatively assert a clear boundary. We've got rules and 'ways'; some co-created, some made by me, some boundaries put in place by my DC (and respected by me). If we find ourselves at odds with eachother, or one of the ways in which we've agreed to do stuff, I address it with an expectation that it gets sorted, but with the core operational value that my child's / teen's integrity is respected, dignity is preserved and that there is a clear, constructive route forward. So I reflect on what I've observed, say why it's not OK and either suggest a constructive resolution and / or invite their ideas for a fix. It's a basic 'rupture and repair' model.

Things like a parent 'taking space' are potentially tricky, and need to be carefully narrated as a parent, as it's easy for a situation where a parent articulating that they need to take space from their DC can be construed by a dysregulated child or young person as if the child themselves represent a problem from which the adult is required to step away.

But what you are describing requires either well-behaved children or a supreme level of self-control.

No, I wouldn't snap at the dentist's receptionist, but then the dentist's receptionist wouldn't start throwing shoes at her sister's head despite being told 5 times to put them on. The dentist's receptionist would also not have done several similar things already within two hours of waking up.

I very much aspire to always be polite to my kids, even when I'm very frustrated. Ideally, you don't get to the point when you have to ask 5 times for something to be done because you would already have put in boundaries etc etc. But it's not always realistic to behave like this and I think it's completely normal to snap occasionally and helpful for children to see that if you throw shoes, people will be pissed off.

The reason you step away is because the alternative is that you're going to shout. For many people, the alternative is not that they have a calm, constructive discussion about what went wrong.

Permissive parenting is nothing new.
When I was at school many were allowed to roam and do as they pleased so long as their parents were not bothered.

Exactly! I think @ACommonTreasuryForAll has an unusual level of self control and regulation that most humans simply don't have. I also think, perhaps controversially, that behaviours and traits are often genetic so it is likely that her children are probably more regulated and calm than the average children too. Also if they're a teacher then the chances are that they are well suited to working with kids and have had lots of professional training and experience. This could make a huge difference compared to your common garden variety of parent.

Most parents can't parent like this. We try to be respectful but at times frustration of course breaks through alongside potentially anger and upset. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with this. They are all normal human emotions and can even expressed in an appropriate way to show the impact of behaviours. For example, I remember as a child doing some really awful things and my parents getting very angry and cross. It frightened me a bit but also let me know that I had crossed an important line and that my actions were impacting others in an unacceptable way. I also remember making my mum cry and feeling dreadful and knowing I never wanted to do that again. I realised that my parents were human and had feelings and emotions just like me. It made me more respectful of them as whole people as opposed to just parents.

Most of those trying to get mental health access as adults are older, raised by previous generations. Much of this is because mental health in children was never considered in any way important. Whether it’s “gentle parenting” or whatever else you want to call it, parents today are way more aware of not fucking up their kids’ mental health. That’s a good thing. Shame the mental health services which could help those kids are woefully under resourced and then we hear people whining about how many kids with SEN are struggling in schools (which also don’t provide for them)

I lost my temper with my kids quite a bit when they were young (they are all in their thirties now). I shouted, I yelled, I even slammed the odd door. As far as I was concerned it was my job to turn out children who were acceptable in society, not who were my best friends. I am sure they resented and hated me at times, but when you've got five small people who seem to think it's acceptable to throw food or let themselves out of the house whenever they feel like it, sometimes you have to lay down the law and show them that there are lines they DO NOT CROSS, and it's not up for discussion or negotiation.

They are all lovely people now and don't bear me any ill will or resentment. Their mental health is pretty good and they are all robust members of society.

Yup. Lawnmower parenting. A step up from helicopter parenting. This is what I think is causing the massive rise in anxiety