When did 'gentle parenting' start meaning 'never show frustration'?

[Neurodiversemom]

I thought gentle parenting was about not shaming or scaring children, not about being endlessly calm and emotionally neutral. Somewhere it feels like it’s turned into “never show frustration”, which seems unrealistic.

Children are frustrating sometimes. Surely modelling appropriate frustration (“I’m overwhelmed”, firmer tone, taking space) is healthier than pretending we don’t have normal human emotions?

Has gentle parenting been redefined online into something impossible, or am I missing something?

I totally agree OP. I used something similar to Gentle Parenting when my DC were small but considered it an essential part of parenting to teach them that how they behave affects other people. This helps them develop Theory of Mind - that other people are not them and have different needs from them.

I used to say: If you shout at me, I get very unhappy. I don't want to be with someone who shouts at me so I am going to have a cup of tea in the kitchen until you calm down and say sorry.

I also used to mirror their behaviour. My God, I've had really severe criticism on here for that. But how else can they learn how they come across. I'd never just mirror - that would come across as mocking. But I'd get down to their level and say calmly: That voice you are using is really painful to my ears and it doesn;t make me want to do what you ask. how would you like it if I spoke to you like this? Then I'd mimick the piercing whiney voice while saying mum things like: It's time for dinner or please put your toys away.

The other thing I;d do is never let questions be rhetorical. Make them think about it and answer. So I'd ask again: How would you like it if that was the voice I used. If they said, they wouldn't like it, I'd ask what sort of voice they did like. Then I'd ask them to talk to me in that nice voice they'd chosen.

It was bloody time consuming, But it worked.

True that.

Why can’t it just be called ‘parenting’?

@Bargepole45 @MyGreyQuoter My DC are a mixed bag and worlds apart in terms of personality and behaviour, so whatever I've done hasn't produced replicable 'results'. Both have experienced periods of greater need which has at times manifested as challenging behaviour. But respect-always, and autonomy where possible.

People decided that showing frustration was going to scare or shame their children, and scar them forever.

Hence a generation of children with no idea how annoying they are, or how unacceptable or inappropriate their behaviour is, and the despair of teachers.

Because there's a generation of parents out there who want to differentiate themselves from (a) their parents, whom they deeply resent, and (b) all other parents of their generation, whom they like to sneer at. A lot of them have their heads a long way up their own backsides, and believe they're raising a generation that will be a beacon for humanity.

Agree. It's like countries 'getting communism wrong'.

I think part of the problem with every parenting style is it's rarely appropriate for every scenario and in the real world you need a variety of approaches.

I try to start with gentle parenting, I mostly do what I term compassionate parenting and sometimes I need to be an authoritive parent too.

Take getting up and ready for school.
Step 1 - gentle parenting. Good morning, it's time to get up for school. What would you like for breakfast and would you like breakfast first or get dressed first.
Step 2 - compassionate parenting. I know you are tired and want to stay in bed, it's cold and grey outside. I would rather stay in bed too but we have to get ready for school. Let's go down stairs and get some warm porridge for breakfast to warm us up.
Step 3 - authoritive parenting. We must get ready for school, going to school is not a negotiation and you need food to learn. You need to be out of bed now. I'm going downstairs to start breakfast you need to be sat at the table in 3 minutes time no if buts or maybes.

For the most part gentle parenting is the day to day and when there are issues it's a mix of compassionate and authoritive. Compassion for the emotions and feelings but some things in life need to be done anyway.

We had a disagreement yesterday about something and we explored what was driving it and she said she was frustrated by us repeatedly asking the same thing. I said well we are getting frustrated with having to keep asking the same thing but it really needs doing so how about we save all of ourselves the frustration

Absolutely — this isn’t just managing behaviour, it’s teaching empathy and perspective. It’s clear, intentional, and models how actions affect others. Time-consuming, yes, but real skill-building, not just compliance.