Dreading bedtimes as they are such hard work

[Poolgirl66]

i know I’m going to get a lot of stick for this post however I need some solidarity

LO is 2 and a half. Bedtimes are just taking their toll on me. She won’t go down unless I sit in the room next to her, this was fine until recently where it’s been taking her hour, hour and a half, sometimes even two hours to go down.

the problem is, when I’m sat next to her, she just messes around. Telling me there’s a spider on her, singing, flicking her teeth with her nails to make a sound etc etc. this wouldn’t bother me at all if I could get up and leave the room and let her do her thing until she falls asleep but I can’t - the second I leave she is screaming crying hysterically calling my name. When I go back in, she stops and starts messing around again.

I have tried everything. I’ve looked at nap times - is she napping too much, maybe too little, earlier bed time, later bed time. Saying one phrase and not engaging, tapping, hold hands,
Tonies box, night light, white noise, lullabies, moving the chair close to the door - pretty much whatever you can think I’ve tried. This has been months in the making trying things.

we have had the same routine since she was very very little, dinner, little bit of a play with low stimulation so things like puzzle, colouring etc while dinner goes down, bath & bottle, brush teeth, story time & cuddles, into bed. Bedtime is always around the same time every night - half gour earlier on nursery days which is 2 x a week.

I’ve been at work since 7am today - and I am only now just getting to sit down and write this. I’m a single mum and sitting in a dark quiet room for hours whilst my toddler rolls around making noises is taking its toll. Having to then potter around the house at 9pm and shower, as I’ve spent over 2 hours sat in a room on a chair. I very very rarely moan about parenthood but this is one thing that gets to me - so much so that I ended up walking out tonight and listening to her cry for about 30 mins and when I finally shouted upstairs go to sleep, she did. And now I’m crying in my tea for being horrible to my poor toddler.

health visitor told me at her review to just walk out and leave her and shelllget the drift after a few days but most MN posts advise against… I am definitely confused and struggling with where to turn on this one.

I know it sounds mean but I would probably try what your health visitor said...although she is old enough now that she can understand so you could explain it to her first? And then do a very short, predictable routine (e.g 2 or 3 short books), tell her you love her and will see her in the morning and then leave. I have done this with my daughter when trying to break the breastfeeding to sleep issue and it did work but took 2 or 3 horrible nights. She now goes to sleep happily within 5 minutes or so and it has made such a difference to our evenings. I know it's really hard when they cry but I think they are often more protesting the change in routine, especially when they are a bit older. Good luck!

I think your dc is behaving normally for her age. I've been through / still going through same. Mine are 4 & 2.
I often go to bed at the same time or let them go to be when I do (late). Everyone survives and it's less stressful.

I really feel for you OP, this is so tough. We went through a similar faze when ours was about 2. It’s just exhausting. Ours dropped her nap at 2, and I do think getting the right level of tired helped. There were two things that helped us break out of the sitting in her room for hours phase. First one was getting a sleep clock - it has a cat on it and you set the time to sleep or wake. She could visualise that it was sleep time because the cat was sleeping. Second one was the ‘kissing game’ where we’d give her a kiss goodnight and then say ‘I’ll be back in 5 seconds for another kiss’ and we’d do it. Then 10, then 20, then 30 seconds. It took bloody ages the first few nights but then it improved and it got down to less and less time.

We still have nights where she’ll mess about and wants ‘just one more thing’ but she understands that it’s bedtime, quiet time in her room etc.

It was awful that phase though so I don’t envy you. It will get better but it does take some time unfortunately. You may just be in that awkward phase between not needing a nap but not quite making it properly to bedtime before getting really overtired.

Oh also we do the ‘I need you to help mummy now by staying in your bed and looking at your books/ singing songs while I go and fold washing’ or whatever. They love to feel like they’re helping and we find that taking the pressure off the actual going to sleep bit goes down better than telling her to go to sleep.

She’s 3 now and will look at her books (we have a few of the ‘finding’ books which she loves and can do by herself) or chatter to her toys for a bit and then settles herself down.

@Janeykat thank you - when I left the room today I did do the you are safe and loved, mummy is going to leave now and see you in the morning. But that only made matters worse!! Will keep trying..

@Mumtobabyhavoc thanks for your comment - unfortunately I prefer routine and couldn’t think of anything worse than going to bed when my LO does or having her awake with me until 10pm when I can finally go to bed! But I do have friends that do this and it works well for them!

No advice but so much sympathy as definitely in the same situation with my 2 year old! I have a 6 year old too so getting them
both down is near impossible when I’m by myself and I also shouted at them both from downstairs last night and felt guilty - it’s a horrible feeling. The only thing that is working for us is heavily capping or stopping
naps - ours still naps at nursery and these nights are the hardest in the evening. Might be worth looking at?

I couldn’t just leave my toddler to cry herself to sleep either, it’s just not right. It’s really rough and I’ve been there. Are you sure it’s not nap needing to be cut now altogether?

@Nomnomnew thank you for your kind words. I will try some of what you have mentioned and see how it goes. I do feel awful for having to be firmer tonight

I say "I need a [wee/drink/answer the door/whatever] I'll go do that and then come back. See you in 3 minutes."

And always make sure I do go back. Sometimes little one is awake, sometimes asleep. Then I'll say t again with a different excuse and however many more minutes.

Does your little one still nap? Mine stopped napping at 2y on the dot. We have very active days so I know little one is absolutely tired by bedtime.

@Asurpriseawaits @chateauneufdupapa Thanks both - I think nap might still be needed as if she doesn’t nap she is falling asleep at dinner time! I do cap nap at 20-30 mins max. Agreed regarding nursery nights these are the absolute worst, I try to make evenings even more low stimulating and a lot of cuddles and quality time to reassure as I know she’s probably missed me
all day. Just such a knock on affect at the moment - I have been late to work 2 weeks in a row as she’s taking too long to nod off that she’s waking up late and I don’t have the heart to wake her. Luckily manager is understanding but still..

@Makingpeace yes! Have tried this.. didnt go well lol. I say I’ll be back and then after a few minutes she’s calling my name - I’ll go back in and try it again but we go round and round in circles for ages. I feel it’s all just a mess!! Seems no matter what I try I can’t get it right for her

I think that’s the point of the kissing game thing, you could do it with your ‘I need to X I’ll be back in a minute’ but make the intervals so short at first that she doesn’t have time to be calling you. And then heaps of praise for managing to wait. And then stretch out the intervals. It’s annoying but that’s the only way we got it to work. Good luck!

@Nomnomnew Thanks so much I’ll defo give it a go as I’d prefer a gentler approach

My niece had problems getting her toddlers off
to bed and I advised her to inform LOs what
was going to happen next -

“Ok, LO, when we get home we are going to
-take off our shoes
-hang up our coats and watch Bluey or do some colouring or whatever while I get dinner ready
-after that we are going to tidy our toys away
-have a bath, what toys will you have in the bath?
-Call Grandma/grandpa say good night
-What story book shall we read tonight?
-…. and so on and on.

At each stage you repeat the next sequence. So that LO knows what the next stage is and there are no surprises like suddenly - shock, horror, its bed time, because it was always on the agenda because “I said this earlier, didn’t I?” Any objections can be discussed in real time rather than at bedtime.

It worked! I do feel sorry for LOs, they are in their element of play and suddenly out of the blue, it’s bedtime.

I was a single parent with my DD and worked
long hours. You need your rest, so you have
to keep it tight, all roads lead to bed time. You have, what - 2 hours and despite her energy, as
you know she is tired. Good luck!

I sit with my DS and wait for him to go to sleep every night too. He's 3.5. He likes to chat for a few minutes then will fall asleep, the only time he messes around like you're describing is when he's just not tired enough. I'd suggest a later bedtime or possibly even an earlier one as it could also be a second wind if she's gone hyper after missing the ideal bedtime. What time does she get up, nap and go to bed?

You've had good advice already on different ways to manage leaving the room and coming back. Does she have anything to listen to, music, white noise? My two fall asleep to music on the Yoto player most nights. I think it can help if a child has difficulty slowing their brain down enough to fall asleep. I know some people do calm, sleepy stories on the Yoto/Toniebox for the same reason.

You’re stuck in a vicious cycle. If she’s not actually getting to sleep till 9pm then of course she will be tired and need a nap… but if she has a nap then she won’t sleep till 9pm.

I would try cutting the nap even further- 10min - maybe pop her in buggy and walk around the block?

What time is she in bed for?

Do what you’ve done tonight. That worked. Ignore any ‘faux’ guilt.
You’re not leaving her in a bath full of crocodiles, she is safe and warm in her own bed.
Don’t overthink it; she’s not going to grow up any differently because you imposed a bedtime.

Honestly, sitting with my child just winds him up. I quickly learnt leaving him was much better for everyone as if I am there he thinks it's playtime!

I am quite strict with bed. I just say it's bedtime now and we will play tomorrow. I love you goodnight. And that's the end of it to be honest....
He has the odd night of phase of calling out for a few minutes , but he wakes up in the morning happy as Larry!

I know kids do differ though.

Hello, I’m a first-time mum so I do not have a clue what I’m doing but can tell you what worked for me.

I used to stand over my son around this age whilst he was lying down in the cot drinking a bottle of milk, when he finished the milk he would probably cry, but I would hold my hand lightly on his chest leaning on/over the cot and I would shush and hold him there and I wouldn’t let go so I wouldn’t let him sit up or stand up.
after crying/resisting He would suck his thumb and eventually relax. It started out 35 to 40 minutes, and in the end I would do this for about five minutes.

It took 6 to 8 weeks doing this every night. I’d say things like mummy is here mummy loves you in a really soft whispering voice. At the start he would scream for ages but I persevered and it worked a treat. In the end I’d do it for max 2 mi utes then he’d settle.

I wouldn’t wait till he was totally asleep. I would wait till he was really relaxed sucking his thumb I’d do a really painfully slow reverse out of the room which took me about five minutes to leave. It wasn’t easy for three weeks getting screamed at for half an hour, but it went down to 10 minutes after a month or so, and it worked for me.

At 2 1/2 and taking 2 hours to get to sleep then I think it’s time for the nap to go. For 2 weeks it will be a nightmare but then it will be fine. Or don’t drop the nap and put her to bed much later.

I her to bed and stay in the room for now but say Mummy isn’t going to listen to you because it’s time to go to sleep and pop some head phones in and listen to a podcast.

what time is she going to bed and waking up?
My son is 2.5 too but if he has a nap these days going to bed is a nightmare. he needed to drop it at just over 2 and we just had to deal with very early dinner (or often no diner) if he was too tired and went to sleep early at 6pm for a while, until we were gradually able to move it back to 7.

what time is she going to bed and waking up?
My son is 2.5 too but if he has a nap these days going to bed is a nightmare. he needed to drop it at just over 2 and we just had to deal with very early dinner (or often no diner) if he was too tired and went to sleep early at 6pm for a while, until we were gradually able to move it back to 7.

The way we did it at this age is by putting on a guided sleep meditation and lying down with her. If she was messing about, then I'd just say, "I can see you're not ready to go to sleep so I'm going to leave and I'll come back when you're ready." Usually by the time I got to the door she was lying down and promising she was ready now. If that's not working you might have to actually leave for a few minutes and when you come back ask if she's ready to lie down and close her eyes.

My son was like this and I gradually moved where I sat. On the floor by his bed, in the doorway, on the landing, on the stairs etc. I remember saying loudly “ yes I’m still sitting in the stairs” while I was actually watching eastenders in the lounge. Luckily I have quite a loud voice. It took a couple of weeks from sitting by his bed to being able to leave him to go to sleep on his own.